.... But then again, I always seem to find them if I find myself on this page.
It is usually like that. I feel so full, so ready to empty my soul of whatever lurks in there...... no matter what it looks like, and tonight, so much is there. I don't know how to name it, nor do I want to, I just know there is something there and it needs to surface in one way or the other.
I have not been logging things on a regular basis. I just decided that when the moment strikes, write! After all, the thing that I love the most about writing is that there is no rhyme or reason, you just write what you want, when you want, and there isn't any right or wrong about it. No one can tell me that what I wrote was wrong, because it is my own individual experience and I share it with no response required.
My time here, alone, and sharing it with individuals who I meet up with have been nothing other than exquisite. Even if it has been a situation where it hasn't seemed "perfect", although we all know there is no situation that is "perfect", I have managed to see things in a better way. A way that will turn the seemingly chaotic and dysfunctional to a lesson and a way to get me to kneel to my funny bone, to see the absurdity of a situation, and to move on with a lightness that makes for a much better road to walk on, rather than an uncertain cobblestone road that we think we can't tread upon.
My life teaches me so much! I do get to see my life in an objective way most times, and sometimes not, and then I love to hear my friend tell me how she sees things and I laugh, and say, "Reallllllllllyyy?"
I always take in certain peoples opinions of how they see things. My friends that have known me forever. It's not to say that everything they see is right on, because often, my ways are taken for a "gabriela thing".
Not so.
I'm pretty straight up.
I like this, I don't like that, and let me try to be fluid in the meantime.
I'm stubborn yes, I like things a certain way, but will never be so stuck as to not budge, ya know?
It's taken me years upon years to come to the place I am now.
I don't want to compromise who I am for anyone or thing.
If I do, I begin to die a slow death.
I want to live a certain lifestyle that I think is worthwhile. It may not be that way for everyone.
That doesn't mean my way is the way. I just see things a certain way for me, just me. That doesn't mean that I think everyone should live that way. That is just for my little evolution here.
I have lived a life from how my mom thought I should live it because she is a mother who has certain values. I always respected them. I have not always agreed with them. We always agreed to disagree, but when it came to seeing things from a Mother's perspective I had to give way. I have never been a mother, at least never having a child. I feel like a mother in every other aspect of my life, leave a child behind.
Come time for me to make my own decisions, I retreated to nature, to animals, to writing.
This is still the place I find myself complete.
When I was 4 I retreated to the woods with my notebook. I stared at the trees, the beautiful autumn leaves, and the dirt that I rode upon with my little Honda 50 motorcycle..... riding to find a comfortable spot outside of the norm....at 4 and 5. I kid you not.
I knew something then. Life spoke to me in big ways and I didn't know what to do with it. All I knew was that I needed to cultivate it. Back then it was more like, " I gotta get back on my mini bike and into the woods.......that was cool as shit!!!"
It wasn't like I literally thought I was on to some spiritual revelation, but I tell you now, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that something inside of me was extraordinary and it was going to be a mission of sorts, for me to discover what this "thing" was. I didn't feel special, but I certainly felt different in my alone way. I considered it sacred beyond belief!!!
Early on, I separated myself from the "norm" and was on a self discovery path that I wasn't quite privy to, in a literal sense, but inwardly knew exactly what I was doing with a great sense of purpose.
That certainly wasn't to say that what my peers were doing was wrong. I just felt like a huge observer and laughed quite often at how we, as humans, acted so robotically. It truly wigged me out to see these things early on, and too, to go ahead, with small steps to discover myself within the "norm" and then to step out of the norm. To experience the difference was mind blowing to me and wound up being a sort of quest for me as a young child and adult. I was captivated by life, human nature, and especially the workings of the mind and how it related to me and the world around me.
I hear my brother saying, " It is a BLOG" and it should be one paragraph, and I look at that for a second, and then I say to myself, " Who the F...cares?" Who is to say that a blog equals this or that? Oh, it just goes on and on, with the should and shouldn'ts.
I have always been about who you are and what that looks like, no matter how it "should" look like.
I embrace everyone and how they want to "show up" here. It's intricate guys. We are all here with crazy emotions, a past that more than likely decides half of our future, weather we like it or not, unless we take the bull by the horns and actually MOLD our next half of our lives.
ARE WE?
