STILLNESS

When I am around chaos, or life situations, or just daily life that takes me to a place of unrest, I have to reel myself in. I do that in a way that I know is good for me to stay balanced and settled and in a solid foundation that will allow me to cope with anything that is thrown my way.
I realize everyone has their own way, and no one way is THE WAY.
For me though, in general, I need quiet, quiet, quiet.
From the time I wake up, my mind is already telling me if I need to be depressed, excited, angry, anxiety ridden........ you name it. It is right there to tell me that my day should not be settled because of this that or the other thing. It takes everything for me to sit up to ward off unwanted negative thoughts that want to make their way in.
I have devoted my life  to changing that tune.
My life has dwindled down to a very few simple things that make me happy and what I know to work for me in this crazy little life.
Things aren't easy. We get dealt things that we aren't prepared for, that we have to deal with no matter what. Our bodies do a dance that we don't recognize and we have to act accordingly. Life situations come at us out of the blue and we wonder, how on earth will we ever deal with these things?
Are we truly equipped for this sort of thing?
I would not have said that years ago when my mother was passing.
I thought that was the end of my world and that I didn't have it in me to deal with whatever my body was taking on in result of her illness/death.
I went through it, came out of it, and still, 6 years later, am digesting that time, formulating my thoughts, my existence with her, my brothers and sisters, and my whole entire up bringing for that matter.
If you are any kind of a thinker, this will come upon you. Things need to be sorted out.
It is a bitter sweet ride, one that I have embraced and have loved, actually.
Throughout this time, and as a young child, it all remains the same. I devote my life to understanding my existence here and with all who are in my life.
My parents are another story, and a story WILL BE told.
I have been taught grand things. Too much for a blog. May I save it for the long awaited book that my mother so wanted from me before she passed.
Life is painful. That is just a reality I have come to embrace.
My mother said to me when she passed, "Honey, this is no easy ride". Be brave!
I get it more and more everyday.
The key for me is STILLNESS.
If I cannot hear beyond the noise, than life is watered down to an idea.
A mere thought of what is supposed to be.
I am so very grateful for my moments.
The daily moments that are kept sacred, and away from the chaos of the world, the "norm", and what is "supposed to be".
There IS a voice inside.
When I give myself that time, that solitude, no question arises. It just is, and I feel complete.~

WE DON'T REALLY KNOW........DO WE?

For a long time I have lived my life as if the next moment could change and I wouldn't know from one moment to the next what would happen.
I STILL live my life this way.
It is my solid reality and so that dictates how I maneuver in the world.
I have my own solid "plans" on how I would like for things to look, but I know damn well that as soon as those words are let off of my tongue, that "it" is subject to change.
I wake up knowing that it is a great possibility that leaving the house........ "I WILL GET A FLAT TIRE", no matter how that shows up. It could be that my phone dies, or that I truly DO get a flat tire, or my friend is in need when my schedule is booked. You know, you have all of your plans and your day is scheduled, yet life happens and you either acquiesce or you fight life and feel miserable along the way.
Things lately seem to be showing the impermanence of our existence.
Friends and family are either passing or going through major medical situations and this IS IT!
We have had our time here, and have done what we wanted, but the "tail end" for some of us is facing us in the mirror and it can be an altering state, at least for me it is.
I look at my childhood, my teens, my early 20's and on, and see the picture, what I have chosen and how it is all being played out, and I am finding myself at a stand still.
It is mind boggling how we get this ONE life.
We don't get it as kids, yet my awareness as a kid and teen were too evolved for my liking. I knew too much for my age, wisdom wise, and found it extremely difficult to just "be". I felt like an old woman, looking back on her life. Very difficult to explain.
Everyday, I do realize that my time could be up.
I am not afraid to say so.
I have lived a very full life, with no regrets.
I'm not saying that times weren't hard or difficult, but they molded me, transformed me, and taught me things. Simple as that.
My goal is to always try to help, but in that is a very complex way of living.
Taking responsibility for WHY.
No matter what it looks like, my life is cut out to serve. In what capacity, well......... I can say, people, animals, kids.......... feed the hungry......... I don't know........... everyday is a surprise to me. If I am able to do something for someone it brightens my heart, my soul. I feel this bubbling sensation from my gut. It's so organic, I can barely stand it.
I have so many passions, so many goals, but if it were all to end tomorrow, I truly would know that I gave my heart to the things that I thought were important. I guess if I missed something it would find me and I would be able to finish "it" at some point and time, whether here now, or next time.
The fact of the matter is......... I DO NOT KNOW................. when my little time is up.
I have been graced with a pretty stellar existence.
If I were to spell that out now I'd be in tears.
My simple life has been amazing, so telling, and wow, so grandiose!
I know everyone has their own story, and I love hearing those stories.
When I think of mine, I smile, I cry, I contemplate, and know in my heart that this is just my own personal journey, and I take what I can from it and learn, and grow and look at life as the best possible teaching there could be!
I don't know. There has been a big learning curve this past year and it has catapulted me into a different arena. I'm still making sense of it and sharing along the way.
Stay with me and share as you will.
Just sharing a slice of my life with you.
~