WELCOME TO YOUR LIFE.. THERE'S NO TURNING BACK!

I'm not really the person that "regrets" things from the past because given the good, bad and the ugly, I have learned incredible lessons and have transformed myself in ways that I would have never imagined. Not by trying, by any means, but by trial and error. Messing up, making "wrong" decisions", and I put that in quotes because I am human. I learn from my past but I never really think in terms of making "bad, or wrong decisions". It's my call in moments, and I am a human learning the tricks and the trade of this world. No one is perfect. This I know, and too, I am not looking to be some perfect person. In fact, to me, "the game is not about becoming "somebody", it's about becoming"nobody".

I have been tremendously humbled by my own life, what transpires, and how everyday, I feel like I am looking through a microscope at a life, as if it is not my own, and feeling propelled and perplexed at the same time. 

I walk as if there was a strobe light hanging over top of me. 

I want to be so awake and aware, and still, still.......... am captivated by the mystery of it all. 

The reasons behind everything. 

There is not one moment in my day that I don't question why I am calling certain things in, or not calling certain things in. I'm not OCD in the least. I have always questioned my existence and the happenings in my world. I know I will never understand it all psychologically, but what comforts me is the unknown and how it speaks to me and calms me. THIS, I cannot articulate to you. It is just a knowing, and it is what keeps me sane, and real in a world that makes no sense to me for a myriad of reasons.

A friend emailed me from Tuscany today. What she described as her experience there, and too, knowing what we love and are drawn to, completely shook me. 

I'm not even sure I can describe in words what this all means, but when I read what she wrote, I cried.

I truly have lived a BIG life. Adventurous, risky, open, edgy, willing and humbled. 

I crave nothing but simplicity.

My life isn't always simple, but on my trek I try to accomplish my desires. Let it be having a farm with beautiful animals, or simply doing what I am doing now, writing, with crickets in the back round, the moon shining through the window, and classical music playing. That's pretty simple and beautiful to me.

My friend described her time in Tuscany as if was my perfect love making. 

I cannot describe in words. If she would allow me to quote her, I would in a split second but she is shy with her expressions and dare me to quote that sacredness. 

I know for me that in my life now, it is chiseled down to the very basics and it makes me smile and  I feel so whole inside. 

I have my stuff just like everyone, but my meditation, my animals and my devotion to love supersede anything. It's what keeps things in line, real, and palpable. My friends and lovers know my heart and know that these things are why they love this little soul called "Gabriela".

There's no turning back. 

It's been quite the ride here. 

Of course, it's not over but I don't know that for sure. 

My time could be up tomorrow. I really don't know. 

I am present with my breath, with people, with my animals, and nature.............NATURE, what you have given this soul will never be able to described with words.

I thank meditation for allowing me not to have to describe every last thing that I experience, and that is BIG for this little person who needs to express herself in all ways. 

I am so damned humbled by life, my circumstances and the love that shows up in my world.

Thank you to all of the people in my world who make it special and worth waking up to greet my day with all that it offers. I love you so much and am so grateful for you in my world! ~

I AM ALWAYS LEARNING.............

Life is happening at a fast pace. I have to tell you, I do not like it. But can I fight reality? Can I go against the current? NO! For me, I really can't. Bills are there, situations occur and you need to tend to...... stuff shows up and you really want to just say..........." OK, what gives", but you just move forward and do the best you can with what is handed to you and also, know that you are the captain of your own ship, so that takes a ton of thought about how you create your reality without feeling like the victim. I know I am not a victim of circumstance, but to be honest, sometimes it truly feels like WTF!

I am in constant mode of seeking the deeper purpose. The why's and how's, but sometimes I need a break from the psychological.

My life is in constant flux. 

I have lived my life, for the most part, prepared for instant change. That is good, and also it can be unnerving. Either which way, I have to stay prepared so that nothing is a shock.

I meditate deeply and question this existence to the enth degree. I have since I was a child.

I know that my life isn't about toiling in chores. Even if it was or is, I have amazing tools to put to use,to be able to make those "chores" into something higher, to be of some good use for this soul.

I can take the bad and make it beautiful, make it useful.

I want to learn from each instance of my life.

Current. Change is happening and the mystery of life is revealing itself.

I feel open and grateful!

This is so risky but yet comforting.

As long as I am true to myself, honest and willing........... I feel great.

I honor selflessness.~ 

GOING WITH THE TIDE

Life seems to be one continuous stream of events. I'm finding if I am not fluid in and amongst it all,      I become the "fighter against life" trying to ward off "what is", avoiding change, and also some things that are beyond our control. It is a life lesson in so many ways. I try to learn from the past, and move forward with new ideas, passing up old ideas, or learned habits from early childhood. It's no easy thing. I mean I'm headed towards 50 and I STILL have those remnants of the past that try to trip me up. Who's to say what the time frame is for finally "getting it?" We all have our own journey and everyone's list of things to conquer are different. There is no right way, wrong way, or should or shouldn'ts. It is  your life, your lessons, and up to you to find your way. It's not for anyone to judge or comment on. 

I'm finding that I completely enjoy listening to people, their stories and what their triumphs are and too, their hardships. It deepens my sense of compassion and allows me to soften inside, more and more to the fragile life that is before us. I love sitting with my friends and listening to how they work with each other, how we all support each other in the ways that we can. I have beautiful, deep conversations everyday with a friend and we love how we constantly question this existence, question all of the why's and how's and dig so deep in that it opens up new doorways, new ideas, out of the box ways to make it all good when things may not seem so good. Many people are out of work, dealing with breast cancer, death, injuries, financials, you name it.......... and I just love seeing how people make it good for them. They laugh, they cry, they move through it with love and strength from friends and family, they meditate, they dig for the higher purpose and make that their focus. The results of that show. When it's dark, there still remains that light, that spark of knowing that all will be well, and even if it's not, for one reason or the other, it will be dealt with from a consciousness that only reveals a love that will heal all things.

Today I celebrate the fact that I have been shown how to love and receive love. How to give and receive. I celebrate my friends who get me, my love and passion for nature and animals, and the ability to connect to what makes it all real and tolerable, inside. Without all of these elements it would not be worth a dime. I am utterly grateful for my life. 

Today is good. It's the great outdoors, it's my animals, the amazing birds that keep me wondering and in awe, and a great book that I can't seem to put down. Aside from all of that, I made shrimp taco's and it pretty much put a cap on this gorgeous day. 

Writing it all down ..........another part of the onion peeled. ~