MY TIME AWAY FROM WORK

I have to say, that I have been in a continuous state of question, on how it is that my time away from work, and what it is that I experience, and then going to work, and how "outward" I have to be, translates to the way I think my life should be. Key word, "should"...... always a red light.

I feel as if my time off, and away, takes me to exactly where I feel I want to be,  yet when people at work get wind of how alone I do love to be, they say, amongst almost everyone, YOU CANNOT BE WITHOUT PEOPLE.

In my own time, I revel in something that will  never have a name. More and more, I am disappearing into a place that is calling me.............calling me............ and I don't want to for fit my time doing anything else, but what makes me go straight there.

I even laugh at myself on my days off, thinking I should do this or that, and I wind up gravitating toward the same little things that I love doing, because I know how they will make me feel, yet there is a certain amount of detachment that happens, and I do feel like the person who has been living amongst the wild, and has just made her way back to regular life.

Honestly, that is how it is, and it amazes me that I can even come back so quickly, ready for work, to engage  myself, hours upon hours, with people, employees, fellow workers, and make it through one night. That is how I feel.

Everyday, at a certain  hour, at my house, when I know I have to be at work, I have to use my time efficiently, and so I have the dogs, working out, cooking, running the dogs, trying to stay balanced upstairs, doing general house stuff, if not more, and so the list goes on.

Time is such a big deal because if I go to work without that time for me, and for my animals, and just settling into something real, before the rat race begins, I will be so uncomfortable.

At a certain hour, I can feel myself starting to mentally prepare, and physically, I will always be OK. This morning I went for a 5 mile run, and man.......... the ecstasy of that.......... I have time to wonder, time to experience nature, time to think and time to get my thoughts into a perspective that gives me goals, and things to look forward to.

I get to wallow in my animals innocence, running them. I seriously laugh out loud, and wow, really, they give me so much life!!!

My rides to work are always contemplative, no matter what. I could be playing Carlos Santana, or listening to the Symphony.......... mentally, I go to the same place, and that 15-20  minute drives gets me to good, to know that I will have to be in mode for people, to allow them in, for me to embrace all people, with a smile, not because that is part of my job, but because I want to. I love people and in my life, no matter where I am, I want people to have a great experience of their stay, whether it be at my restaurant, or walking down the road. After all, really, we only get one life. If I can be a part of someones "good" experience here, I stand up and sing......... That makes me feel whole, and that in there somewhere, I have some small purpose, and if that is to just make one customer smile, or feel welcomed, than so be it........... I did a little somethin'.

I have this little saying, and it is funny..........well, to me anyway. After my drive to work and coming off of my morning that is usually laden in deep thought, or meditation, or just deep appreciation, it definitely sets the tone inside and out, for standing strong in who you are. I drive to work, and take lots of deep breaths, honestly, trying to grasp how this all is, why I am here, at this job, or doing anything else, really, other than what my heart is aching for.

I pull up at work, sit for a moment in the parking lot and go.............."OK...... Let the games begin".
I say that because that is what this all is. Any and everything that is happening on the outside, is just a plain ol' game that we are all playing, some sort of character that is just doing it's thing.

If I didn't have my mornings in solitude, or in some sort of contemplation, I don't know that I could withstand the noise of how it is out there, and probably I could, but my body would probably take it all on as some sort of disease, and it would be affected greatly,  more than what it takes on a small scale now.
When something is happening with my body, like my neck or back being out, it is clearly a solid knowing that I have allowed whatever is happening on the outside, to take affect on the inside. It is constant homework for me to balance my time, my energy and efforts, and to make sure that this sacred little body doesn't have "melt downs" like it likes to under any kind of stress.

My back and neck always, always take the brunt, and most times, I am in control of it, and sometimes, it rears it's ugly head and lays  me flat out. My friends who have known me for years crack up at it. Not that they think it is funny, but that it is so obvious how THOUGHTS and where we are in our heads, make or break our energy in our days, how it forms so many things, inwardly, and out.

I truly don't know how  people have families. It takes everything for me to balance me, my animals, my house, and time at work. That isn't even including any kind of social life, which is OK for me, right now, or any kind of passion outside of work.....any kind of hobby or art.

Everyday I say, "OK, even though I won't get to sleep till 2 am, I am going to force myself into getting up at 8 just so I can have the day and squeeze into it what I want............

I don't do good with no sleep.

Balance, I sure do love you...........

I am so grateful for my work, the customers I meet, how they make sense on my journey, and how it is, utterly important, where I am now, even if it seems crazy at times, for one reason or the other.

When I think of the customers that I have met just in these last 4 years, it makes me cry, just because of the deep connections, the family like feeling we share, and for just meeting some good souls that are just traveling through........and I get the fine opportunity to meet up with them, even if it is just for a second at the cafe counter. I acknowledge the importance, and the relevance.

Maybe I am not meant to be a recluse..........like everyone says, but I do have to say, it appeals to me more than you know.

As long as I have my music that I love, nature, my animals and a pad and pen, I am good.

I laugh because God always has different plans for me, and my friends too, laugh and say, "There is NO WAY YOU could be a recluse. People need you for so many different reasons. Hearing that so much, I feel selfish in a way. I am not quite sure how to take that sometimes.

Tonight I had a friend and his mother come in. He has been away in the Navy for awhile and each time he comes home he tries to visit. I adore him. He used to make my coffee at Starbucks everyday and we meshed. He is an old soul and  one that I love whole hearted.
He always said, "you need to meet my mother". You two would hit it off.

Well long story short, I went to see her at her house so she could read my cards. I thought, well, this is up my alley, and since it had been thrown in my face so much that she was someone I "needed" to see, I thought, I'd better go......not for any other reason but to listen to my own inner call.

I went. I met, yet another amazing woman on my journey, and she is the "light of my life"............ just a beautiful soul, so real, so true, and genuine.
Not only that she and her whole entire family come to see me, and keep in contact with me. They continue to shine a very pure light and an essence that is so incredibly valuable to me, and I am pretty sure, visa verse.

It is apparent that when I make moves that I don't normally make, that it is for a reason. I said to her tonight, "You know I don't do things just because". Inside, I know there is a higher reason.

She gave me a bag and said she had gone to "Philly" and thought of me, and brought me something.

FYI she always comes bearing gifts. Last time she came, she brought me earrings and a necklace that she made. She makes amazing jewelry. And she and her daughter brought me a porcelain angel.
I went in the back room and cried that night, at work, for the astounding gifts that I am given everyday.

Tonight, inside of that little brown baggie, was a bottle of Holy Water, a prayer card from the Shrine of St. John Nuemann, and a metal of Saint Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Cases. I thought to myself, "Uhhh, is this a sign?? Am I some hopeless case, hahahah, no really, it was funny to see that, it made me laugh to think of it in that way for a second, but all in all, in  my heart of hearts, THIS IS WHAT MAKES MY WORK WORTHWHILE.......... to forget all of the  BS that happens, and to know that things are happening for a reason, and sometimes I am stupid to think that I know more than what the Universe wants to impart, in it's time.

I am ever so grateful for any and everything in my life, and for the timing, the essence, the passion, the mystery, the uncertainty, the beauty, the ugly, the every, every, everything that is bestowed upon me right now, and I just want to give a big fat freakin hug to someone............. for allowing me this great opportunity to be a receiver, (which I am not that great at), and to be able to relish in such greatness that is happening here for me, on every level.

I continue to take away labels, to allow me to forge forward into a neutral existence that won't allow me very many opinions.

I bow, greatly tonight, in sheer, sheer gratitude, for what seems not right, for what seems right, and for all things unknown.

I am forever a student, of this love.

Thank you so much for this life.

~