DYING JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE...EVERYDAY!

This is not a somber statement, by any means! You have no idea how fortunate I feel to even make that statement, and get it!! Really get it!!
I've done all kinds of seeking since I was a child. Seeking to find out who I am, what this life is about, and to discover what the "answer" to "IT" really is. You know, the REAL purpose to this life.
I have been in many spiritual settings, followed spiritual teachers, took vows of silence, curled up for months and months with no communication with the outside world, just reading, and being quiet, contemplating life, studying nature, listening closely to my intuition, to that ever so small voice inside that gets neglected amongst daily life, unless we carve out specific time to let it be known, the great teacher that it is.
I study the art of relationship. I love the beauty of relationship, and too, can see why we all falter and want to run for the hills, with the knowing of our past, our boxes of crap that we have lugged along the way, not knowing what to do with it all except to say, "This has been my life", It is what it is.

Yes, you are right. It is what it is!! But how do we use this information? It is integral, to me. I have never been one to close my eyes on life, what it offers and what it means to me specifically.

The thing is, there is no "right way". You take from life what means most, what feels right, and rings true in your soul.
Just because Buddhism sounds great, and is almost a hip thing these days, doesn't mean it is for you. Just because you grew up a Christian, doesn't mean you are a "Christian".
You are YOU!!
A person with a mind of his or her own who can pick and choose what feels right, what makes your heart sing and what makes you come alive in your days. This to me, has NO label. Call it what you want, IF you NEED to have a label for it, or yourself.

I have no label for myself.
I am me, who loves!
I love people, I love nature beyond belief, I love animals like crazy, I love silence, I love questioning my existence, I love helping people.
Doesn't it sound silly to put a religious label on that?
Seriously!!!???
I am me.
Label-less!!

Today I went to my sacred spot at the lake. At times I say I am not going to go because there is this and that to do, but I am compelled to go and I put my back pack on and go.

Sometimes I go by myself and I swim for hours. Quietly, methodically, aware of my breath, my exquisite surroundings, and the awareness that this truly IS A GIFT that has been given to me.
I stay there for hours. I do my work out, I do a bit of yoga, and sometimes just sit there in awe of what is before me. I mean it just takes me away. The suppleness of the water, the birds flying overhead, the bird calls, the sound of the rippling waves against the rocks, the turtles bobbing their little heads above water, my dogs, if they are with me, being the innocent creatures that they are, jumping in the lake, fetching sticks, following me on my swim, wondering when, oh when, will I head to shore. It is beyond precious to me, I have to tell you!
Usually when I go I swim out to this dock that is quite a ways out there. It has been my guide post for a lap. Mind you, I have never been much of a swimmer, but for the last few years I have taken on swimming in such a way that has enraptured me. It has taken on a new meaning in my life and has given me a different perspective on my breath, my aliveness, my presence or non presence in my life, and the ability to stay crystal clear with every breath so that, literally, I do not "sink".
For the last two weeks I have gone out there and have had several experiences, all in which had the same nuance.
One day, it was quite windy, and part of me knew I shouldn't have gone in for my long swim. I went anyway. Half way in, the waves were coming up to my face, I was swallowing water, and fear set in. I was in the middle of the lake and I was terrified. I literally saw my whole life before me. I swam so hard and fast and called out to the heavens above to not make this my last go round'. It really was if this was my last moment in time.
I can't hardly articulate what had transpired in those moments, but for that short period, until I made it to the dock, I was transformed in ways I will not be able to explain.
Since then, I  have been just a little bit afraid to go the full length of the swim I normally take on. Even when I took my client on her normal routine, I asked if she only wanted to go half way and back and the we would just double up the laps.
One day she said, "Naaa, let's just go". I said, "OK".
The whole way I said prayers that I would not hyperventilate and lose it in the middle of the lake.
I concentrated on my breath, and made it fine. I still had epiphany after epiphany.
My life is moment to moment, and this is a huge reality to me.


Once you are faced with that fear, it becomes a crucial reality. Our lives are like this!
We can die at any moment!!!
I so wish I could articulate the things that I saw and experienced swimming toward that dock, thinking that I was going to die!
 Obviously I made it to shore. I cried when I got back and sat there looking around me. Looking at everything..... as if I saw it for the very first time.
This equals meditation for me, which is why I actually felt OK at one point, if this were to be my last time, my last moments here.
I thought of my love, how I have given it, if it was/is pure, how I live my daily life, if it is parallel to my way of thinking, how I see life, in all of my individual ways, if I am actually living those beliefs against the "norm" of society, if I have mended things where mending is due.
Life! Compartmentalized! Now! Right here! Face to face!
I sat for a bit and tried to digest the enormity of what had transpired.
No words.
I walked home, and ever since then, I have carried that reality with me, and everyday that I go to the lake, with every stroke I take, I still feel the fear, but also feel the gratitude of my moments, more so than ever, embrace the simplicity of what I love and carry out in my days, with no guilt for what that looks like, and move on in a newborn consciousness that I just cannot deny.

We are truly dying every moment here in our lives. Dying to ideas, dying to time, dying to what we think needs to be.
I am so grateful to die to ideas, of  how I think my life should go or not go.
I do have to tell  you though. These moments of clarity do not come with going out to dinners, watching TV, having a bunch of noise on 24/7, keeping busy and up with the Joneses.
As much time as I have alone, it takes me being razor, razor sharp, to hear, to understand, and to apply the things that I think are imperative to living a whole and honest life that will help to heal, to give, and to embrace the integrity of my being here, for whatever that means for me and for you.
All I know is that time is of the essence, I have things that are good and sweet, to give and to share. I also know that the depths of  my soul are constantly crying out  to find the deeper meaning, no matter how that shows up.
It may show up through the birds, through the sunset, through the morning dew....through you reading this blog. I don't know. The simple fact is, I will never know.

What I do know is that it WILL always show up. It HAS TO in my world. It's what I crave, what I need and what is so necessary for us to FEEL ALIVE!!

I say, "Dare to die just a little bit everyday". Die to ideas, die to how you think things should go, die to labels, die to anything outside of this very moment that pulls you away from the most organic experience you could ever experience in this lifetime.
Dare to not be anyone but the one who is reading this in this moment, and no one after that.
Die.... right now.......... and live in a blazing consciousness that will reveal itself as you let it.
You will not be disappointed, I promise you that!
I have no reason to want to "sway your thoughts" one way or the other.
I am just a passionate soul who will always express her thoughts.
Never a right or wrong.
Thank you for reading and listening.
I am ever so grateful!
Gabriela ~

WHY OH WHY.. IS IT SO HARD TO STOP?

Wake up. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Make coffee. Feed the animals. Turn on the news, or not, go for a walk, go to work, toil, toil, toil. eat lunch.... toil, toil, toil.... the hour hits. We are "free". Drive home. Anticipating what is next. Get home. Toil, toil, toil. Make dinner, clean up, watch the news, visit with a friend, do laundry, get ready for the next day... toil, toil..... until.........
brush your teeth, look at yourself..... wonder for a second, if THIS is REALLY ......IT!!!
Toil, toil... crawl into bed.....maybe read.....maybe not........ dream...... or not......... toss and turn......... who knows really...... it changes from time to time, doesn't it?
Who REALLY knows what the next moment, hour, day, or week will bring???
Life is fickle. It really is. It's nature is to be fickle. I can't change it, so I have to swing with it.
It's like someone who is moody. You can't change it, but find ways in which to swing with it.
In today's world, if you cannot get creative in your outlook on life, and things, I think you will either be consciously dead, or you will die of anxiety or a heart attack, acting as if you are surprised at life, and what it offers, much to your dismay, and be the one who has been stricken with something.
Please don't misread my writings.
Some things happen and are out of our hands. I get that. I honestly do. I do think though, that we have a huge responsibility in our evolvement and healing. Not many of us are privy to this, or even have any kind of resource to connect to. When we have an issue or when we are ill, we fret and head immediately to the doctor.
I don't find it often that when one finds out a certain piece of information, that they head straight for their meditation chair, to take personal inventory on what may or may not be happening for them, or in their tiny little nuclease of a world. I think it is an immediate fight or flight situation. Understandable!
There is another way, I promise you that!
God, it is so difficult to say that there are things that will help us along without making it sound like there is one way, and one way only. I do not believe in that.
I believe in self discovery, and however that shows up for you, wonderful. If it feels right and conducive, than yeahhh, cool. Another outlet and piece to the puzzle on your journey in this little intricate life.
Self discovery is different for everyone.
I don't care if you are in this program or that program, the list certainly goes on. Atheist, pagan, christian, Buddhist, non believer, this that or the other thing. I DO NOT JUDGE YOU.  I have been across the board.
We are all trying to get to the same place. If you want to do a thousand hail Mary's, go ahead...... if you want to chant the word of God, please do...... if you want to let the whisper of the wind guide you, bless your heart..... whatever it is........... if it brings you peace of heart and mind....... there you go!!!!
That is for you, and I am there.
I realized this as I was in the ICU unit with my mother, as it was her last days.
She couldn't move really. Lucky we got her to a chair when my sister and the woman who came to do communion and prayer sat there to receive.
It was a blazing moment for me in my own evolution.
I was there for my mom, and knowing she wanted this for her, and so did my sister.
I have had my own spiritual beliefs for many years. It was never really talked about.
I sat there and watched the woman say her prayers to my mother and my sister, give them communion, and then she looked at me, and waited to see what I wanted to do. I quietly said thank you, and acknowledged her being, her way, and her way in which she imparted beauty and reality into my sister and my mother.
I realized in that moment that it was OK to have a different belief system, but to send healing and love and forgiveness and so many other words that would take me all night to describe,to my mother, that would equal, to me, the same message, the same  prayer, and the same healing properties as if I had held those beads, and said the same prayer that was shared while I was quiet.
It was a definite moment in time in my life, as an adult woman, a daughter, a disciple of life, and as a sister/friend who had shared a lifetime of wonders and contemplations.

There it was. A stopping!
A real, true, STOPPING.
Had I never stopped before?
Had I always been this sort of robot in my life where things come up and you just quickly deal with them to get past the emotion and once you hurdled over that, you were good, until the next situation presented itself?
It has been 4 years since my mother has passed and I don't think I have digested the enormity of the teachings. The magnitude of love, of how to surrender to the present moments in my life. To be able to consciously make a cut off point from insanity to an insane kind of reality where you embrace the obscure, the indefinite, and make it all a part of a reality that IS REAL, and is part of what is happening, and make good with it all.

IT IS IMPERATIVE that you take time for yourself. Time to reflect, time to get a grip on where you are, and with whom, and to make good where good needs to be met.
Life is seductive!!
It WILL entrance you!


I know we are all human, in all of our frailties, and god bless us all, really... on this crazy trek, but know one thing. If we act honestly, give freely, with no expectations, and risk everything for a free way of living and thinking, we will be given everything.
It may not show up how you wish it to show up, but I will guarantee you that if you step your little toe out there with somewhat of a trust, you will be hit hard with a reality that is so honestly amazing that you WILL NOT KNOW what to do with it.
It is more unspoken, than spoken.
I am completely humbled.
My life is exquisite beyond belief!
I don't care where I work or for who.
The details are just a funny summary of what I am doing here.
It surely has nothing to do with who I am!
I love you all so much and thank you for listening to me ramble on about what I think is most important.
It may not mean a lick to you and that, to me, would honestly be OK.

Goodnight.
Gabriela

WHAT ARE WE RUNNING FROM?

I picked this subject because it seems to be the main topic in so many people's lives. It isn't the type of thing that actually looks like, or seems like we are running, but YES, WE ARE RUNNING from ourselves.

How does this look?

I am busy 24/7, I have no time for myself, I cannot do this anymore, there is not enough time in the day, I am running ragged, I'm stressed, I am anxiety ridden, I need to take something for my heart, I cannot sleep at night, I am overweight, I hate myself, I never look like this..........

Do any of these things sound familiar?

I don't think it is anything to get freaked out about. I think it is just the simple fact that we are human, going through life, and shit comes up.... really!! Anyone would want to run for the hills. I know I would.
It takes everything for me everyday to stay good with myself. Sometimes it is easy, easy. I wake up, I feel grateful, I go to work, I share some good stuff with clients, they change, their bodies respond, they feel taken care of, I get to think outside of the box, I spend time in nature, I love on my dogs, I spend time with the birds, I am quiet, I cook lovely food for my soul, and cap it there. I read a little, fuel my soul with some inspiration, and call it a beautiful evening, really!
Some days, I wake up and my chest is pounding. Why, WHY........... I do have to ask. Why the heck is my chest pounding? What is happening that my body is responding in such a crucial manner?
What were my thoughts before bed? What am I believing to be true? What feels unfinished?
9 times out of 10 I can name it, and don't always necessarily want to own it.
I want to...............RUN!
I mean really, who wants to feel all of this body stuff because of some batch of emotions that we decided to take on?
Why did we decide to take it on? Because we are lazy!! We don't feel like thinking anymore so we just say, "I feel like crap today". "I'm not up to par today". "I don't know what is wrong with me".
YES YOU DO! Just say it!
You are unhappy! You are bored! You are dissatisfied with your progress, or lack of progress at this point and time in your life.
Please don't blame it on someone or a situation that has occurred in your life. Boy, do I know that one all too well.
No one is to blame. Not even  yourself.
IT IS WHAT IT IS!
You made choices, or things occurred and you either have dealt with it or you have decided to not deal with it just yet, and want to milk the cow just a teeny bit more. I get all angles. I have been the "victim" and have also copped to my own short comings and have prayed for guidance on a better way, next time, to deal with things.
All I know, is that it is truly NOT in my nature to RUN!
Sometimes I see myself as an old woman. I visualize what that will look like. I wonder if old ideas about things and my own self will sculpt me and age or not age me. I wonder if I will be humble enough to say "Sayanara" to ideas that are just .........ideas, and that I will hurdle over a huge clump of what life is "supposed" to be and hang tight with my simple little genuine self that doesn't give a living crap what people say about me, or how they think this little person should be living, or who I am supposed to be with, or not be with, and what profession I am supposed to have, because god knows, I should be making millions right now, right?
After all, I am in my mid forties and things should look like...........THIS!!!
You know the picture, I know you do.

Half the time I say to myself, "OK, if I just had someone to help me with........... and things would be easier if........and life would be more fun if........ so and so were here............
the bottom line is, if I cannot find a balance, a harmony, a neutral ground here, in this NOW, with myself, than it ain't never gonna happen.
I am truly OK with myself.
I like me.
I like my take on life and think it is good for me, at least. I can cinch up a few things but for the most part, I wing it for loves sake. I don't want to be beholden to what should be to be SAFE.
I have to make sure I am soulfully happy, and then paste together all other ends.
Not one of us is perfect!
We try to do our best to stay good, on target, and all of that, but the truth is, stuff comes up. Our age, illness, doctor scares, wrinkles, hurts, self sabotage, image issues, self worth, should and shouldn'ts.
It's all part of it.
Embrace it and let yourself be OK with all of the crappy thoughts. I think once we embrace the crappy stuff, it takes a load off and we can actually laugh about our absurdities.
Hay, this year, I have tons more grey hair, and oh, forgive the crazy new lines on my nose and eyes from worshipping the sun.

My choice. Always my choice, right? So...... in that.....why complain. I want to accept my choices and get on with it already. Enough talk about how I shoulda coulda woulda. Yawn, yawn!!

Jeezzusss!
Be easy on yourself.
Take intermittent looks at yourself, objectively, check out what looks good and compliment yourself, or see what it is that you may want to change up, and make a plan, don't beat yourself to a pulp. Just change it for god's sake. Quit all the talking.
Hay, I say this to myself. I go on my own rants and I laugh and say, what an ass!! Be quiet and just DO IT!!
So, there it is.
Don't make mountains out of mole hills.
I'm not.
It's all going to come to an end quicker than we realize and then we are REALLY going to feel like heels. You know, we'll be there, lying pathetically, doing the proverbial, "I wish I just would have, or I should have just...... or I should have listened to......."

Let's be a little bit smarter. Check out your life right now. What do you want to get rid of? How do you want to live? What needs to happen for you to feel closest to your soul, the person that is elated, like a child opening Christmas gifts in the morning? Seriously, this isn't a joke.
HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?
Think about it.
I do. Everyday. I do the things that make me smile huge.
It may seem boring, or redundant, or pretty plain.
I don't care.
Half the time I laugh out loud knowing it is just not what is "supposed" to be but it works for me and makes me feel alive.
The only time it doesn't make me feel alive, is if I have adopted some idea that I should be doing something different, just because........ and the list goes on.
Don't run from yourself.
Take whatever seems amazing and great, and joyful to you and expound on it. Make it more real than what it is in your life now, and praise yourself for taking the risk.
Who cares what  people say. Who are those people anyway?
JUMP! HURRY, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
~

SEEING THINGS A BIT DIFFERENT SOMETIMES

You know the one........ we all have it!! BLAH... BLAH..BLAH!!!
"You can't do that, you are too old", "You can't do that, after all, who else is doing that?" "You can't do that,  because THIS is what you are SUPPOSED to be doing".

Today I took a client/friend to the lake for her workout. We usually bike for 30 minutes, ride to the lake, swim laps, and then do a "rock" workout on the shore. We pick rocks that equal what we think is 10 pounds, 20 pounds, or even 5. It's funny, but man, what a work out. We do a ton of resistance training in the water, and talk about life. Pretty sweet!!
So, we get to the water, strip down to our suits, and feel the nip in the air. We both look at each other like, "Holy Moses". One foot in and it's freezing cold. I usually stand there longer than she does like a baby not wanting to be cold.
The mind always formulates a feeling with a scenario, gloms onto that, and there it is. THIS IS THE WAY I FEEL NOW. End of story!
We both just said, "Let's go"........... as in..........NO MORE THINKING ABOUT IT!! 1-2-3.........DIVE IN!
It was so exhilarating, cold as hell, but in seconds, I realized and acknowledged how incredibly limited my thoughts can be when I think too much! Sounds so "Book People-ish", but it's so true!
When I am so precise in the moment, no thoughts can really attach themselves to me because there is no room. I  mean absolutely NO ROOM. The only thing in that moment is what is happening, what I am doing, or not doing, and it is just.....THAT.
I won't even say that because I am in that precise moment, that it will all be heavenly, godly, so therefore I will be sniffing on a bed of roses. No!
I can be in the moment experiencing complete hell, but at least I am present with that emotion, and not glomming on to some unpredicted future, how uncertain life is, and how messed up it is because "someone" out there isn't watching out for me, you know, giving me the answers to every next moment in my life. I mean, come on, isn't that what life is really about........PREDICTABILITY? BEING COMFORTABLE AND ALWAYS KNOWING WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?

Well, I must have been born on planet X, because as far as I know, life IS NOT THAT WAY, AND NEVER WILL BE! At least to me anyway. And that is devoid of any kind of science.

I know when I wake up in the morning I could trip over my dog, brake my leg and my day will not be the same.
I know when I drive away each day, there is a possibility that it could very well be my last drive, last view from a car, last experience down a beautiful road where I see horses, goats, chickens, and amazing landscape.
I mean, seriously, I think this way. It's really not unique, I think it is just sadly forgotten these days and it makes me sad, for me, when I am not in this reality, and for the other people too, whom I see in great sadness, not knowing that they actually have an alternative. They remain my teachers.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NEXT MINUTE WILL BRING, so in all of our moments, even if we are crazy in our little brains, wouldn't it be nice to adopt a new kind of attitude that life is delicate, life is chaotic, and never makes a lick of sense, so it would behoove us ( my mom would turn in her grave if she knew I used this word publicly). I loathed it as a child and look at me........... big wink to you mom....
yes, it would behoove us to adopt a new way of thinking and being.

Everyone I talk to and meet with are stressed. They can't grasp what it is like to NOT be stressed. Anxiety is high, the economy is ridiculous, and yeah, grabbing a back pack and high tailing it to a very cool camp site sounds glorious, rather than the sick rat race, but......... life is happening pretty fast paced, and if we don't get a hold FIRST, on our mind sets, within it all, we will be "had".
The so called "ruler", the brain, the limited intellect will win it's short run race.

There are ways to get around it all, but it takes BOLD CHOICES, individual choices, a gentle look at ourselves, where we have been, and not be so hard on ourselves for all of that. Our past, how things may or may not have looked, and stand sturdy in the NOW. Now doesn't involve your upbringing, your crazy father, your friends that made fun of you, your abandonment, your "lack" of.... nor does it involve positive future events. Just because it is positive doesn't mean it is NOW. You can still be positive, hold those thoughts in high regard, but if you are attached to them in the least, you've lost the name of the game.
Hay, I say, "Dream HUGE", but if that dream doesn't happen, hopefully you won't consider yourself a failure. To me, there is never failure, only a great learning curve and a chance for us to do it differently next time.
When I hear people say, "YOU HAVE FAILED", I think, "Right on". I get to be challenged again to see what will work instead".
Opportunities are given 24/7. TAKE THEM!!

So......... my rant about the water being cold and all of that??
My swim, seemingly quick and for a workout, enlightened me with each stroke. My breathing became easier, I looked up and around at the sky, the rocks, the gorgeous ripples in the water that I was eye to eye with, and I don't really remember thinking about some kinda cold water. Mind you when I stopped my friend said my chin was blue, hahaha, but........... you get what I'm saying right??

To me, it's a literal, DIP IN, DIP OUT. Go ahead dip in to the dark thoughts, or dip right out into this second where there is no tomorrow, and no yesterday.


So good to catch up and to reach out again.

So wild when expression is limited. Not writing for awhile felt like an old friend dying.
What a catharsis.

Thanks for listening and for always wanting to read about my little stories.

It makes me giggle and feel totally humbled at the same time.

I love you all and thank you so much for you!

Goodnight.
Gabriela

WELCOME BACK........ TO OURSELVES.

This has been the longest time since I haven't written on my blog. It actually was good since I had to take pen to paper. I have to be honest. I love pen to paper.
I love mailing cards, hand written letters, and such.
The computer is a beautiful tool. I still prefer pen to paper. It's just organic to me. Feeling your fingers to the pen and then to the paper. Folding it all up and sealing it in a nice envelope. Ahhhh!!!

I didn't plan on writing tonight since the day was amazingly full since early am. To spell it all out would be extremely interesting if I were to dissect my interactions, the people, the situations and how I quietly view them. I will. But tonight I guess will just be short.
I was compelled to write.
I am always compelled to write.
It's what I thrive on.
What is in me.

As I started my day, I thought, "What is most important to me"?
I usually wake up and meditate, or read something that is spiritually inspiring.

Today I focused on walking meditation and how being present in every one of my moments can lead me to a crazy wild experience. One that is so revealing that sometimes I have no idea what to do with it.
Every moment that I choose to be aware will take me to such a beautiful place, something that is so true, outside of any kind of ideas.

It's hard, you know. You know you have to work. You know you have obligations, bills, debts, and the "norm" of every day living. But then again, you know, so whole hearted, that those things are not the essence of who you are. They just aren't.
Well what is then?
What is the essence of who you are?

Is it your job? Your hobbies? Your love interest? Your identity to your family? Community of friends?

What if you were to just stand alone? Without all of those things?

Would you be comfortable?

How would you feel?

Times are tough right now.

That is a whole other story, which I will expound on.

I said this would be short.

I'm dying to dig deep into what is happening for us, individually, globally and collectively, as community, as lovers, as friends, as family.

What is it that we can do to elevate this consciousness?

It doesn't have to be big.

It's as little as this  small little blog that will go out to how many people?

But those people share with other people. And that is the way.

Simple.

No frills.

Tonight.... I will say...

Our territory is really very vast, but we are not responsible kings or queens. We always try to dodge away and we do not keep up a real surveillance of our territory. We have the feeling that there are immense conflicts there, too much suffering, too much pain- that is the reason we are very hesitant to get back to our territory.
Our daily practice consists of running away.
We are afraid of the suffering that is inside of us, afraid of war and conflict.

The practice of meditation consists of coming back to ourselves in order to restore peace and harmony.
To be mindful is to carry on concentration, understanding, and love. If we come back to ourselves to restore peace and harmony, then helping another person will be a much easier thing.

I try not to go on tangents. Love is like having a thousand tentacles. They all swarm at once.

My love swarms continuously, in every direction.

It's warm. It is defenseless. It is open armed.

It is true.

Thank you for allowing me in, and for letting me be myself.

Agree or disagree. Any which way is OK.

I am grateful for expression, that is all.

Goodnight.

Until tomorrow.

Gabriela