This is not a somber statement, by any means! You have no idea how fortunate I feel to even make that statement, and get it!! Really get it!!
I've done all kinds of seeking since I was a child. Seeking to find out who I am, what this life is about, and to discover what the "answer" to "IT" really is. You know, the REAL purpose to this life.
I have been in many spiritual settings, followed spiritual teachers, took vows of silence, curled up for months and months with no communication with the outside world, just reading, and being quiet, contemplating life, studying nature, listening closely to my intuition, to that ever so small voice inside that gets neglected amongst daily life, unless we carve out specific time to let it be known, the great teacher that it is.
I study the art of relationship. I love the beauty of relationship, and too, can see why we all falter and want to run for the hills, with the knowing of our past, our boxes of crap that we have lugged along the way, not knowing what to do with it all except to say, "This has been my life", It is what it is.
Yes, you are right. It is what it is!! But how do we use this information? It is integral, to me. I have never been one to close my eyes on life, what it offers and what it means to me specifically.
The thing is, there is no "right way". You take from life what means most, what feels right, and rings true in your soul.
Just because Buddhism sounds great, and is almost a hip thing these days, doesn't mean it is for you. Just because you grew up a Christian, doesn't mean you are a "Christian".
You are YOU!!
A person with a mind of his or her own who can pick and choose what feels right, what makes your heart sing and what makes you come alive in your days. This to me, has NO label. Call it what you want, IF you NEED to have a label for it, or yourself.
I have no label for myself.
I am me, who loves!
I love people, I love nature beyond belief, I love animals like crazy, I love silence, I love questioning my existence, I love helping people.
Doesn't it sound silly to put a religious label on that?
Seriously!!!???
I am me.
Label-less!!
Today I went to my sacred spot at the lake. At times I say I am not going to go because there is this and that to do, but I am compelled to go and I put my back pack on and go.
Sometimes I go by myself and I swim for hours. Quietly, methodically, aware of my breath, my exquisite surroundings, and the awareness that this truly IS A GIFT that has been given to me.
I stay there for hours. I do my work out, I do a bit of yoga, and sometimes just sit there in awe of what is before me. I mean it just takes me away. The suppleness of the water, the birds flying overhead, the bird calls, the sound of the rippling waves against the rocks, the turtles bobbing their little heads above water, my dogs, if they are with me, being the innocent creatures that they are, jumping in the lake, fetching sticks, following me on my swim, wondering when, oh when, will I head to shore. It is beyond precious to me, I have to tell you!
Usually when I go I swim out to this dock that is quite a ways out there. It has been my guide post for a lap. Mind you, I have never been much of a swimmer, but for the last few years I have taken on swimming in such a way that has enraptured me. It has taken on a new meaning in my life and has given me a different perspective on my breath, my aliveness, my presence or non presence in my life, and the ability to stay crystal clear with every breath so that, literally, I do not "sink".
For the last two weeks I have gone out there and have had several experiences, all in which had the same nuance.
One day, it was quite windy, and part of me knew I shouldn't have gone in for my long swim. I went anyway. Half way in, the waves were coming up to my face, I was swallowing water, and fear set in. I was in the middle of the lake and I was terrified. I literally saw my whole life before me. I swam so hard and fast and called out to the heavens above to not make this my last go round'. It really was if this was my last moment in time.
I can't hardly articulate what had transpired in those moments, but for that short period, until I made it to the dock, I was transformed in ways I will not be able to explain.
Since then, I have been just a little bit afraid to go the full length of the swim I normally take on. Even when I took my client on her normal routine, I asked if she only wanted to go half way and back and the we would just double up the laps.
One day she said, "Naaa, let's just go". I said, "OK".
The whole way I said prayers that I would not hyperventilate and lose it in the middle of the lake.
I concentrated on my breath, and made it fine. I still had epiphany after epiphany.
My life is moment to moment, and this is a huge reality to me.
Once you are faced with that fear, it becomes a crucial reality. Our lives are like this!
We can die at any moment!!!
I so wish I could articulate the things that I saw and experienced swimming toward that dock, thinking that I was going to die!
Obviously I made it to shore. I cried when I got back and sat there looking around me. Looking at everything..... as if I saw it for the very first time.
This equals meditation for me, which is why I actually felt OK at one point, if this were to be my last time, my last moments here.
I thought of my love, how I have given it, if it was/is pure, how I live my daily life, if it is parallel to my way of thinking, how I see life, in all of my individual ways, if I am actually living those beliefs against the "norm" of society, if I have mended things where mending is due.
Life! Compartmentalized! Now! Right here! Face to face!
I sat for a bit and tried to digest the enormity of what had transpired.
No words.
I walked home, and ever since then, I have carried that reality with me, and everyday that I go to the lake, with every stroke I take, I still feel the fear, but also feel the gratitude of my moments, more so than ever, embrace the simplicity of what I love and carry out in my days, with no guilt for what that looks like, and move on in a newborn consciousness that I just cannot deny.
We are truly dying every moment here in our lives. Dying to ideas, dying to time, dying to what we think needs to be.
I am so grateful to die to ideas, of how I think my life should go or not go.
I do have to tell you though. These moments of clarity do not come with going out to dinners, watching TV, having a bunch of noise on 24/7, keeping busy and up with the Joneses.
As much time as I have alone, it takes me being razor, razor sharp, to hear, to understand, and to apply the things that I think are imperative to living a whole and honest life that will help to heal, to give, and to embrace the integrity of my being here, for whatever that means for me and for you.
All I know is that time is of the essence, I have things that are good and sweet, to give and to share. I also know that the depths of my soul are constantly crying out to find the deeper meaning, no matter how that shows up.
It may show up through the birds, through the sunset, through the morning dew....through you reading this blog. I don't know. The simple fact is, I will never know.
What I do know is that it WILL always show up. It HAS TO in my world. It's what I crave, what I need and what is so necessary for us to FEEL ALIVE!!
I say, "Dare to die just a little bit everyday". Die to ideas, die to how you think things should go, die to labels, die to anything outside of this very moment that pulls you away from the most organic experience you could ever experience in this lifetime.
Dare to not be anyone but the one who is reading this in this moment, and no one after that.
Die.... right now.......... and live in a blazing consciousness that will reveal itself as you let it.
You will not be disappointed, I promise you that!
I have no reason to want to "sway your thoughts" one way or the other.
I am just a passionate soul who will always express her thoughts.
Never a right or wrong.
Thank you for reading and listening.
I am ever so grateful!
Gabriela ~
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