THE COURAGE TO LIVE AS OURSELVES

.......NO MATTER WHAT THAT MAY BE!

I can only tell you that my entire life has been living as the "black sheep". Certainly not because I wanted to make some sort of statement about myself, but since I can remember, I always seemed to be busting out of my seems, wanting to be anything other than what was the "norm" as a kid, and since a very, very young age, it seemed as if it was like climbing the highest mountain top, barefoot, to be able to be accepted, or at least seen as just as "normal" as the next kid.

I didn't listen to the same music my friends did. Of course I listened to the top 40 and all of that stuff, 70's galore.....yada, yada. None of my friends listened to classical music, read and wrote poetry, felt deep, deep emotions, dressed to their own liking, for the most part, and thought outside of the lines.

Everyone was planning college in the 10th grade. Me, I knew college wasn't for me, so I chose not to go. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew for sure that I wasn't going to go JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS, and so traipsing down to my guidance counselors office, I'd roll my eyes thinking, they are going to try to persuade me to do something I honestly knew I did not want to do. I let them talk, because that is what they were there to do, to guide me, and then I politely told them, thank you, but this is the road I am going to take, very confident. Funny, those guidance counselors, years later told me that they trusted my judgement, and knew I'd be OK because I seemed confident in my own planning. I was. I was happy in a weird way to hear that they said that. You look at them as if they are the end all of knowing things, and really, they admired my courage to do something different.

I did exactly what I wanted. I waited until high school ended, to rid myself of certain qualities of that whole experience that, really, I just wanted to settle into my own being, without any noise or obligations around.

I moved out into my own apartment at 18, found a new life in many ways that equaled myself inside, and started to explore just who I was every step of the way.

Always, always, my train ride seems to be a very alone ride, just because the things that I am attracted to are not so main stream, or should I say, not so public. They are more enclosed, introverted, and individual.

The things that I am attracted to, or the things that I have wanted to bring to life have taken a lot of alone time, trying to map out ways to achieve them, especially against all odds, support, and no one, really, never anyone who would just say........wow, how great Gabriela, you want to paint buildings? Why would you want to be on a scaffold 14 stories high? That is a mans job! (My mother hated that job. I made 17 dollars an hour at 17, loved it, loved wearing painters pants, a baseball cap, and picking colors for someones building. Wow, they trusted me.
I mean why do that when I could have worked at the nearest Travel agency, or Realistate agency, behind a desk, with skirts, heals, and hose? Answering phones, and filing. That job lasted a week. Of course I did it because my mom and my sister wanted me to, but after one week, I went back to painting and smiled my ass off everyday. I had 14 floors of people passing me everyday, talking, greeting, making people smile, gifts exchanged, just for the sake of being. My tenacity to stick to my guns started to reflect and evoke different things in people who were, shoot, 20 and 30 years older than myself.

I had people at my ladder in the morning asking me questions about my life, very deep, and very introspective, and soon, for being a "painter" in a building that really, was a "man's job," brought the most amazing interactions with people who really didn't even know who the heck they were outside of their small cubicles that they had been at for 10, 20, some 30 years. All of a sudden, people were contemplating their own lives and what the heck they were doing.

I'm not saying anything about myself, only in the way that there was a bold reflection, and I think it said volumes without words.

Look, I am a wild free spirit, and it is usually hard to contain this little soul, in any small environment, but, nonetheless, wherever I am, there is always an amazing teaching. I always, without a doubt, take every little thing that I have learned, and have used it time and time again, in my evolution.

At that painting job I learned how to build rooms, how to actually put up walls, put together showers, bathrooms, put down tile, Spackle, do tons of different applications on walls, designed rooms, then floors, strip floors, oh god, you name it. It's funny. I loved every minute of it, and yet, there I was among 15 guys, in my painters uniform, (it was kinda cute, I loved painters pants, and any chance I get to wear work boots, I'm there), and so, to see someone in that light, looking from others perspectives, was so obvious that people thought I was a lost soul, and really, it wasn't ME who was actually lost. I felt so fine inside with what I was doing. It is a magnificent story of a young woman trying to adhere to her passions inside, and back then, I had ideas, but they weren't anything concrete. I knew I loved design, and wanted to be an architect, but had so many other loves too, so.......... this job, amongst the many more to come in my life, were like that.
People looked at me like, hmmmm, (these were people's comments)......"Why would such a pretty girl want to do THIS OR THAT?" What the hell does your physical appearance have to do with liking to run a bed and breakfast? Is it that you saw me changing sheets on a bed? Taking garbage out of rooms? Doing physical work? That was another one......... I always wind up doing physical work. Why would such a pretty girl want to lift that, move that, or do such physical labor? Hmmmm........ when people apply for these jobs, should they look in the section in the newspaper called JUST THE UNATTRACTIVE APPLY WITHIN? C'mon guys!

Doesn't anyone know who Katherine Hepburn was? She is one of the most inspiring people in my life, thus far, amongst the Joan Of Arcs, and the Mother Theresas. As far as the Katherine Hepburns........... that goes back awhile now, and even then, because she wore pants and ties, jackets and loafers, and told men where the f........to go if they put her in the category of a typical woman, hay, she'd have something' to say! She was an amazingly intelligent woman who ran her own show and didn't need a man, she was cast as several things.......... a lesbian, a man hater, arrogant, selfish.............. Selfish because she wanted to put her own tile on her roof because SHE COULD........ Had a mind of her own to think and do, and be different than any of the other women that were so called, "women". What is.............. a woman? And what is she to be? Oh, this could get long................ ANYWAY.......... for another great blog......... maybe a book. Too long for blogs, so my brother says.

BEING OURSELVES.

IT IS A TREK BUT HAS TO BE INDIVIDUAL IF WE ARE TO STAY TRUE TO WHO WE REALLY ARE INSIDE.

I tell you, ever since I was a kid, it has been very difficult at times to tread upon regular life, and trying to fit in.

The fact of the matter is............I DON'T FIT IN. There is a difference. I CAN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE ABLE TO FIT IN, because I can play any role you give me. It's not even playing a role, but it's easy to mesh with things if you need to, ya know what I mean? I genuinely get along with people, I love people, actually, and if I am happy inside with who I am, do my little work that I do, with that as my base, than life can be easy, BUT, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS.......... to live as we are, inside, and have that match the outside, is some heavy duty sketching with pencil on paper, erasing a few times here and there, and trying to figure out what best fits us in order to feel parallel to our throbbing, passionate hearts that are dying to just do, and be and meld into what it is that makes us feel whole, sturdy, and complete, within.

What is that?

It is a multitude of things for me, but I will tell you, in my own eclectic way, and the things that I dare to accomplish, in what I think is important to me, and no one else, it is like walking a tight rope.

Everyone wants you to BE SOMEONE, OR SOMETHING FOR THEM. I've gotten this now, and actually, am intrigued still, at this process, both being the "wanter", and the observer.

It makes people feel more comfortable with themselves to know that you are living life that is more to their liking or what is close to their morals or beliefs. They can say that they accept you, but the truth is, there is a lot of hidden angst, jealousy, and plainly, just a severe perplexity, in that there isn't really a rope of understanding that they can grab a hold of, outside of their "box".

This has been my experience, in trying to adhere to my own little vortex of what I consider a life.

I have dabbled in all of life, really, from one spectrum to another, and I have chosen a very simple life, devoid of the things that people think I should be doing.

My life is filled now with the most incredible joy, and too, sadness, still, trying to plug away at being 100% me. My 100% me, scares me, to be honest, at times, but I am so drawn to the life I want, and yet, no one, NOT ONE PERSON GETS IT.............. how wild.............NOT ONE PERSON!!

It's too "way out there"........ "not level headed", "not mainstream enough", "I'm not utilizing my personality enough"........ "Someone like me SHOULDN'T want to be ALONE, secluded away in the woods", after all that is SCARY!!! Not grounded enough!

For who? For you! Well, than don't be alone in the woods, but be happy for me you silly shit! It is what I love. You may not understand it, but try, just for another perspective.

What ? You haven't watched TV in a year, you weird thing! You haven't this, you haven't that...........

How about we just say we are different and call it a night?

I am at a point where it is fun sketching out what is next, and sometimes, honestly not fun, because in my life, it is a gamble. But I always wind up doing what I want, gambling it, against all odds, and I am always happy.

It too, is kind of sad because ya know, you traipse along in life, you meet incredible people, stay awhile with them, experience life with them in so many eclectic ways, and then suddenly you see yourself leaving a life behind that once meant so much.

Life seems to be one big shedding of the skin. In order to stay THAT CLOSE to who we are, we must move.........continuously move with what feels good, what seems to be most accurate and parallel to who we are and what we are wanting, AGAINST ALL ODDS.

It may seem so incredibly ludicrous to move in directions that seem so uncharted, so unpaved, but to me, those are the most phenomenal roads to take. You clear the weeds away, walk confidently, knowing that you feel strong inside where you are going, yet, life DOES give you constant notions that things just won't be OK in that risky kind of living, but such is the dichotomy between right and left brain, fear and trust, and all of the other things that tell us yes, no, yes, no............... IF WE NEVER SAY YES, IN ALL OF OUR FEAR, THAN WE WILL NEVER FEEL SATIATED IN OUR SOUL, JUST FEARFUL THAT WE NEVER MADE THE JUMP.

WHO ARE YOU OUT THERE? BE YOU!
Boys? Same thing..............

BE YOU, BE YOU............WHATEVER THE HECK IT IS..............sculpt your life to you own liking.

Heck my life isn't anything to talk about. It is SIMPLE, FUN, SERIOUS, PASSIONATE, and really, so no nonsense..............AND I LOVE IT.................

I don't feel any need to be anyone else, but I will say, it is interesting to watch the world and how they all want you to be.

It is always like watching a sad movie on how people struggle to swim to the shore of peace within themselves.

Hay, if your peace is smoking hemp on a deserted island, go right ahead. Me? I'd probably laugh and say, Right on........... so be it, if that is your choice. Who, really, am I to judge?

Ride the wave of INDIVIDUALITY!!

Scrape away all of the stuff that you are doing that just doesn't seem to fit, and mold your life to what you want.

It may take a bit of planning, but that's OK, everything does these days.

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THAT YOU COULD WANT, THAT CANNOT COME TRUE! NOTHING IS THAT HARD TO GRASP.

TELL ME.....WHAT IS IT? I CHALLENGE YOU.................

I'M WORKIN MY MAGIC IN MY WORLD............... AND IT IS TAKING A LOT BUT IT WILL HAPPEN........... WHY?

I DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

I WANT WHAT I WANT.

I MAY FUMBLE..............BUT WHO CARES.............. AS LONG AS I LAUGH ALONG THE WAY.

I am here for you, as I am here for myself.

It takes a lot of self acceptance, courage and loving the little kid inside that is not very trusting and not willing to embark on new territory.

Jump over the line and have a ball!

It's work, but we might as well do something while we have all of this time here right?

I'm skipping inside................. I'm light, and know, too, that I have a ton of work to do.

I love myself enough to go the extra mile.

We are loved.

And, we are safe.

I love learning to know that, more and more.

G'nite guys,

I love you so much......... God........I really do!!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

NAKED

The most vital necessity
in this life
is that
I shall love
completely
and
implicitly
and in
entire
nakedness
of
body
and
spirit!

~

LOVE

Even as love ascends to your height
and caresses your tenderest
branches
that quiver
in the sun,
so shall love descend
to your
roots
and shake them
in their clinging
to
the
earth.
~

THE JOY OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY

Those who are courageous, they go headlong. They search all opportunities of danger. Their life philosophy is not that of insurance companies. Their life philosophy is that of a mountain climber, a glider, a surfer. And, not only in the outside seas they surf; they surf in their innermost seas. And not only on the outside they climb Alps and Himalayas; they seek inner peaks.

~

OUR DEEP HUMAN SEXUALITY...........

....... in my small opinion, will only be fulfilled when we discover that the lover we TRULY seek is divine, and beyond finding anywhere outside of ourselves.

I know so many people who often get frustrated when they discover that their deepest longing, never, really goes away, IF.............IF.......... they are truly honest!

They get married, and eventually fantasize about another partner. They move to a lovely place and soon wish they were closer to the ideal children they once hoped for.

They have the money, the career, and the home they always wanted, and yet, this isn't enough to quell the motor of desire that hums incessantly somewhere beneath the heart. The proverbial "eye over the shoulder" syndrome. One in which I have, over the years, have grown to dislike/embrace as a human reality, and pattern of the mind that I don't really think will get squelched anytime soon.

Desire is the proper atmosphere of the sexual "kingdom". It keeps people "alive" and moving along.

It keeps us in touch with memories, warm , joyful and sad, and it allows us entry into the world of imagination when all around us practicality is insistent.

From the view point of the soul, desire, simply is; it need not be satisfied! I know that sounds utterly crazy, but just read it, and let it sink in, even if it is just as a mere thought. Consider the thought! Please!

Longing for chocolate, say, might be a small desire that resides in the larger one that yearns for the sweet life. And so every desire is worth paying attention to, even though we know that if we track it far enough, we will discover that this longing will never, ever cease. I truly, truly believe this! Same with food, or alcohol or drugs.

They all are trying to get you to a place much higher than what you feel physically. In all honesty, I don't judge! Everything is a stepping stone. I don't think anything in our vortex is actually bad, if you look at it from the perspective as, "everything being a stepping stone, or a teacher" .

That is my definition of divinity from the view point of sexuality.

That full, bittersweet, empty feeling is like incense in a church, or temple. It announces the Presence of "God".

Sexuality certainly brings people together and makes life feel full and vital. I have been there, and have witnessed the extremities of validation through sex, and intimacy, but have come to know that it certainly is NOT the end all of the human race, by all means. Can I say that again............BY ALL MEANS!

Simply I just don't think we were taught anything different. So, we are programmed to do, and feel, and supposedly "like" all the goin on's.

To me, and how I was brought up.......you don't have sex until you are married, and before that? Hay, wadyou mean, you feel things?? Get rid of it until you are married. There was no talk of "choice". As a matter of fact, what choice? You have sex, when it is time, and even with that, there is no talk of how, what is expected, if you even feel like it...........I mean, what if you don't even feel like doing all that? Who says??? And at what age, or time frame?" Get outa here", is what I say.

Not to get all personal, but, I will heeee...........

My first time........ you know, the FIRST TIME........... afterwards I was like............. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! THIS IS WHAT ALL THE HUB UB IS ABOUT?
Completely disappointed, and........not surprised at my disappointment, for some intuitive reason.

Sex is never a purely physical act, to me, at least.

It is always numinous, even when it is not perfect, or is full of shadow.

The bed is a ritual object, so to speak, worthy of our tenderest care.

It has been often said that one of the most intimate sights is a bed recently left, it's coverings scattered and laid about.

In bed we leave the plane of practicality and enter the deep worlds of dream, and here we make love, and in so doing, we seek him/her whom we love, but can never find.

The Bed is prie-dieu on which we lie rather than kneel, a place of physical prayer, inspired by desire and sustained by pleasure.

No altar is more sacred!!!

I am humbled and sizzling with passion for the sacred, the beloved, the love-making, the everything that encompasses the light, the beyond, and the moment that gives us Truths that are 2010 and then I have to integrate................ unfortunatley!

So much for the Country Girl!

I've much to learn.

Thank you all for being my teachers.

Most of you would never know, but will, if I have anything to do with it!

I'm full of love and consciousness.

G

THE SPIRITUAL LIFE

........ is equivalent to living the poetry of the world...


not facts!!

~

WINDING DOWN.........

Ahhh, to wind down after a long day, going, and doing, and planning (my new word), and being productive in all scopes of my world.
That usually feels good, not matter what mood you are in. At least you know you have accomplished SOMETHING, and I'm pretty sure that know matter WHO you are, you will derive some sort of satisfaction by making a check mark on the things you've DONE, on your checklist.

Some days there are just too many things to do, with not enough hours, (my usual days), and it almost seems impossible that you will actually get to mark even ONE thing off on that list, but surprisingly, you wake up, you put on that cape, and yes, to me, it feels as if I do actually FLY through my days.
There are truly good things to say about "super hero's".
They do everything in their power to do good, to help, and to risk everything for some important reason or another.

By the end of the day, I am so amped up from being with people, interacting, and too, just loving meeting new people, having that be so easy, so fulfilling for some reason, and just chattin it up, especially with all of my East Coast clients that come in. It is an Italian fest, and it really brightens my nights.

But not just Italians, just people. God, they just want attention and to be loved in some way or another, even if it is just bringing them a fresh basket of bread. GET THEM THE FRIGIN BREAD ALREADY!! Not much to ask on a date night, or a night out with the guys, ya know?

This is their night off!

Anyway, not to sway, (but I did, didn't I), it is hard to come off of that rush for hours upon hours. You get in a groove, and by the time the clock strikes the hour for you to go home, you're ready for the dance floor, some good music, and some tasty drink to quench your thirst.

My drive home used to be 40 minutes, and I could wind down then. By the time I got home I could just easily go to bed, or just chill out.

Now? I get in the car and the Rolling Stones call my name, or some foreign music, that of which I have no idea what they are saying but my body moves in sync with it, and well, it just feels good. So good that the snobby ol' cops that are usually out here threw a thumbs up at me tonight as I was rockin out listenin' to Start Me Up by the Rolling Stones. I rolled my window down, put my thumbs up and said, "Rolling Stones!"............. and he said, "No Wonder". I laughed my butt off and actually laughed the rest of the way home.

My life is funny, (most of the time), and I actually really do laugh at the antics that play out in it.

By the time I get home, my animals want to have a love fest, lick me, play tug, want bones, want petting, want to be riled up, and every other thing that someone would naturally want after being alone for hours upon end.

How can you resist?

I thought this was about "winding down?"

I think my point is, is that there really is no winding down, unless I completely force myself, and even then, the other night I layed in bed from 1-4:30 conjuring up ideas for creative projects, work, and every other subject on the face of the earth. Crazy, I tell ya!!

I look at my little computer and think, "Aww, my blog", how can I go to bed now?

So, here I sit, on a perfectly kindled night, energy high, ready for a 2 hour work out, and it is 1 am! Go figure!

Not enough time!

My winding down IS writing, maybe a glass of wine, or just laying with the dogs, talking to them as if they totally understand what I am saying.

I am perfectly fine with believing that illusion, if, in fact, it is one! I'm not sold 100% on that idea, but for now, it amuses me.

Kind of like Charlie Brown with the WAAA WAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAA'S.

Those of you who have followed Charlie Brown know what I'm talkin' about.

Anyway, I got out of my car and looked up. It was freezing cold out, but I had to at least not care for one minute, while I checked out the blazing sky. I wish, just one time, I could tell you what all of those very specific pictures with dots all over them were.

OK, so I know Orion, the Big Dipper, Little Dipper and a few others that I actually feel proud to know and recognize.

I do have an amazing telescope that helps me to decipher it all.

It drew me in so much that it took me down a few notches, and began my WINDING DOWN.

Nature seems to do that. It kinda brings you back to a reality. A good comfortable, soothing one.

The dogs awaited my return. I brighten up like a Christmas Tree, enter my little abode, and little by little, I am swimming in my own little pool of peace.

Not much of any wants, (oh maybe a few flashes of a car or a few dollars here and there(, but really, nothing much!

Pretty plain and simple.

I got all cozy in my favorite attire. You'd laugh........cuz I do, and here I sit, writing.........just......stuff........whatever surfaces, and bubbling up doing it.

My life isn't this grandiose Broadway show by any means. On the contrary it is pretty darn simple, but for some reason, it colors my world, and seemingly, others as well.

So much to do, yet the moment is so cool, doing nothing. Tomorrow is another day that I can plunge into productive mode.

But for now, it is quiet, everyone in the world, for the most part, is asleep, and it makes some sort of good sense that I am awake, and they are not.

I should have been a Vampire!

Ahh, good........ two huge yawns............see how that works..............YOU LOVELY BLOG YOU.

You wound me down, and I will go to sleep knowing my little heart shared a bunch, all day, and simply through this little thing called "Gabriela's Daily Quotes".

Funny how I look forward to "you" everyday!

Sleep like babies, dream of great stuff that will make your heart swell, and get cozy with the ones you love.

I am!

All my love,
as always,
Gabriela