THE COURAGE TO LIVE AS OURSELVES

.......NO MATTER WHAT THAT MAY BE!

I can only tell you that my entire life has been living as the "black sheep". Certainly not because I wanted to make some sort of statement about myself, but since I can remember, I always seemed to be busting out of my seems, wanting to be anything other than what was the "norm" as a kid, and since a very, very young age, it seemed as if it was like climbing the highest mountain top, barefoot, to be able to be accepted, or at least seen as just as "normal" as the next kid.

I didn't listen to the same music my friends did. Of course I listened to the top 40 and all of that stuff, 70's galore.....yada, yada. None of my friends listened to classical music, read and wrote poetry, felt deep, deep emotions, dressed to their own liking, for the most part, and thought outside of the lines.

Everyone was planning college in the 10th grade. Me, I knew college wasn't for me, so I chose not to go. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew for sure that I wasn't going to go JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS, and so traipsing down to my guidance counselors office, I'd roll my eyes thinking, they are going to try to persuade me to do something I honestly knew I did not want to do. I let them talk, because that is what they were there to do, to guide me, and then I politely told them, thank you, but this is the road I am going to take, very confident. Funny, those guidance counselors, years later told me that they trusted my judgement, and knew I'd be OK because I seemed confident in my own planning. I was. I was happy in a weird way to hear that they said that. You look at them as if they are the end all of knowing things, and really, they admired my courage to do something different.

I did exactly what I wanted. I waited until high school ended, to rid myself of certain qualities of that whole experience that, really, I just wanted to settle into my own being, without any noise or obligations around.

I moved out into my own apartment at 18, found a new life in many ways that equaled myself inside, and started to explore just who I was every step of the way.

Always, always, my train ride seems to be a very alone ride, just because the things that I am attracted to are not so main stream, or should I say, not so public. They are more enclosed, introverted, and individual.

The things that I am attracted to, or the things that I have wanted to bring to life have taken a lot of alone time, trying to map out ways to achieve them, especially against all odds, support, and no one, really, never anyone who would just say........wow, how great Gabriela, you want to paint buildings? Why would you want to be on a scaffold 14 stories high? That is a mans job! (My mother hated that job. I made 17 dollars an hour at 17, loved it, loved wearing painters pants, a baseball cap, and picking colors for someones building. Wow, they trusted me.
I mean why do that when I could have worked at the nearest Travel agency, or Realistate agency, behind a desk, with skirts, heals, and hose? Answering phones, and filing. That job lasted a week. Of course I did it because my mom and my sister wanted me to, but after one week, I went back to painting and smiled my ass off everyday. I had 14 floors of people passing me everyday, talking, greeting, making people smile, gifts exchanged, just for the sake of being. My tenacity to stick to my guns started to reflect and evoke different things in people who were, shoot, 20 and 30 years older than myself.

I had people at my ladder in the morning asking me questions about my life, very deep, and very introspective, and soon, for being a "painter" in a building that really, was a "man's job," brought the most amazing interactions with people who really didn't even know who the heck they were outside of their small cubicles that they had been at for 10, 20, some 30 years. All of a sudden, people were contemplating their own lives and what the heck they were doing.

I'm not saying anything about myself, only in the way that there was a bold reflection, and I think it said volumes without words.

Look, I am a wild free spirit, and it is usually hard to contain this little soul, in any small environment, but, nonetheless, wherever I am, there is always an amazing teaching. I always, without a doubt, take every little thing that I have learned, and have used it time and time again, in my evolution.

At that painting job I learned how to build rooms, how to actually put up walls, put together showers, bathrooms, put down tile, Spackle, do tons of different applications on walls, designed rooms, then floors, strip floors, oh god, you name it. It's funny. I loved every minute of it, and yet, there I was among 15 guys, in my painters uniform, (it was kinda cute, I loved painters pants, and any chance I get to wear work boots, I'm there), and so, to see someone in that light, looking from others perspectives, was so obvious that people thought I was a lost soul, and really, it wasn't ME who was actually lost. I felt so fine inside with what I was doing. It is a magnificent story of a young woman trying to adhere to her passions inside, and back then, I had ideas, but they weren't anything concrete. I knew I loved design, and wanted to be an architect, but had so many other loves too, so.......... this job, amongst the many more to come in my life, were like that.
People looked at me like, hmmmm, (these were people's comments)......"Why would such a pretty girl want to do THIS OR THAT?" What the hell does your physical appearance have to do with liking to run a bed and breakfast? Is it that you saw me changing sheets on a bed? Taking garbage out of rooms? Doing physical work? That was another one......... I always wind up doing physical work. Why would such a pretty girl want to lift that, move that, or do such physical labor? Hmmmm........ when people apply for these jobs, should they look in the section in the newspaper called JUST THE UNATTRACTIVE APPLY WITHIN? C'mon guys!

Doesn't anyone know who Katherine Hepburn was? She is one of the most inspiring people in my life, thus far, amongst the Joan Of Arcs, and the Mother Theresas. As far as the Katherine Hepburns........... that goes back awhile now, and even then, because she wore pants and ties, jackets and loafers, and told men where the f........to go if they put her in the category of a typical woman, hay, she'd have something' to say! She was an amazingly intelligent woman who ran her own show and didn't need a man, she was cast as several things.......... a lesbian, a man hater, arrogant, selfish.............. Selfish because she wanted to put her own tile on her roof because SHE COULD........ Had a mind of her own to think and do, and be different than any of the other women that were so called, "women". What is.............. a woman? And what is she to be? Oh, this could get long................ ANYWAY.......... for another great blog......... maybe a book. Too long for blogs, so my brother says.

BEING OURSELVES.

IT IS A TREK BUT HAS TO BE INDIVIDUAL IF WE ARE TO STAY TRUE TO WHO WE REALLY ARE INSIDE.

I tell you, ever since I was a kid, it has been very difficult at times to tread upon regular life, and trying to fit in.

The fact of the matter is............I DON'T FIT IN. There is a difference. I CAN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE ABLE TO FIT IN, because I can play any role you give me. It's not even playing a role, but it's easy to mesh with things if you need to, ya know what I mean? I genuinely get along with people, I love people, actually, and if I am happy inside with who I am, do my little work that I do, with that as my base, than life can be easy, BUT, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS.......... to live as we are, inside, and have that match the outside, is some heavy duty sketching with pencil on paper, erasing a few times here and there, and trying to figure out what best fits us in order to feel parallel to our throbbing, passionate hearts that are dying to just do, and be and meld into what it is that makes us feel whole, sturdy, and complete, within.

What is that?

It is a multitude of things for me, but I will tell you, in my own eclectic way, and the things that I dare to accomplish, in what I think is important to me, and no one else, it is like walking a tight rope.

Everyone wants you to BE SOMEONE, OR SOMETHING FOR THEM. I've gotten this now, and actually, am intrigued still, at this process, both being the "wanter", and the observer.

It makes people feel more comfortable with themselves to know that you are living life that is more to their liking or what is close to their morals or beliefs. They can say that they accept you, but the truth is, there is a lot of hidden angst, jealousy, and plainly, just a severe perplexity, in that there isn't really a rope of understanding that they can grab a hold of, outside of their "box".

This has been my experience, in trying to adhere to my own little vortex of what I consider a life.

I have dabbled in all of life, really, from one spectrum to another, and I have chosen a very simple life, devoid of the things that people think I should be doing.

My life is filled now with the most incredible joy, and too, sadness, still, trying to plug away at being 100% me. My 100% me, scares me, to be honest, at times, but I am so drawn to the life I want, and yet, no one, NOT ONE PERSON GETS IT.............. how wild.............NOT ONE PERSON!!

It's too "way out there"........ "not level headed", "not mainstream enough", "I'm not utilizing my personality enough"........ "Someone like me SHOULDN'T want to be ALONE, secluded away in the woods", after all that is SCARY!!! Not grounded enough!

For who? For you! Well, than don't be alone in the woods, but be happy for me you silly shit! It is what I love. You may not understand it, but try, just for another perspective.

What ? You haven't watched TV in a year, you weird thing! You haven't this, you haven't that...........

How about we just say we are different and call it a night?

I am at a point where it is fun sketching out what is next, and sometimes, honestly not fun, because in my life, it is a gamble. But I always wind up doing what I want, gambling it, against all odds, and I am always happy.

It too, is kind of sad because ya know, you traipse along in life, you meet incredible people, stay awhile with them, experience life with them in so many eclectic ways, and then suddenly you see yourself leaving a life behind that once meant so much.

Life seems to be one big shedding of the skin. In order to stay THAT CLOSE to who we are, we must move.........continuously move with what feels good, what seems to be most accurate and parallel to who we are and what we are wanting, AGAINST ALL ODDS.

It may seem so incredibly ludicrous to move in directions that seem so uncharted, so unpaved, but to me, those are the most phenomenal roads to take. You clear the weeds away, walk confidently, knowing that you feel strong inside where you are going, yet, life DOES give you constant notions that things just won't be OK in that risky kind of living, but such is the dichotomy between right and left brain, fear and trust, and all of the other things that tell us yes, no, yes, no............... IF WE NEVER SAY YES, IN ALL OF OUR FEAR, THAN WE WILL NEVER FEEL SATIATED IN OUR SOUL, JUST FEARFUL THAT WE NEVER MADE THE JUMP.

WHO ARE YOU OUT THERE? BE YOU!
Boys? Same thing..............

BE YOU, BE YOU............WHATEVER THE HECK IT IS..............sculpt your life to you own liking.

Heck my life isn't anything to talk about. It is SIMPLE, FUN, SERIOUS, PASSIONATE, and really, so no nonsense..............AND I LOVE IT.................

I don't feel any need to be anyone else, but I will say, it is interesting to watch the world and how they all want you to be.

It is always like watching a sad movie on how people struggle to swim to the shore of peace within themselves.

Hay, if your peace is smoking hemp on a deserted island, go right ahead. Me? I'd probably laugh and say, Right on........... so be it, if that is your choice. Who, really, am I to judge?

Ride the wave of INDIVIDUALITY!!

Scrape away all of the stuff that you are doing that just doesn't seem to fit, and mold your life to what you want.

It may take a bit of planning, but that's OK, everything does these days.

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THAT YOU COULD WANT, THAT CANNOT COME TRUE! NOTHING IS THAT HARD TO GRASP.

TELL ME.....WHAT IS IT? I CHALLENGE YOU.................

I'M WORKIN MY MAGIC IN MY WORLD............... AND IT IS TAKING A LOT BUT IT WILL HAPPEN........... WHY?

I DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

I WANT WHAT I WANT.

I MAY FUMBLE..............BUT WHO CARES.............. AS LONG AS I LAUGH ALONG THE WAY.

I am here for you, as I am here for myself.

It takes a lot of self acceptance, courage and loving the little kid inside that is not very trusting and not willing to embark on new territory.

Jump over the line and have a ball!

It's work, but we might as well do something while we have all of this time here right?

I'm skipping inside................. I'm light, and know, too, that I have a ton of work to do.

I love myself enough to go the extra mile.

We are loved.

And, we are safe.

I love learning to know that, more and more.

G'nite guys,

I love you so much......... God........I really do!!

xoxoxoxoxoxo