TO EMPTY ONESELF....

..... is to just LET GO! Whatever that means to you. It is different for everyone. I have a friend who says, "Gabriela, my meditation is sitting by my pool, watching the water, and the dim lights in my jacuzzi and how the lights reflect on my plants in the yard". I say, "Right on!!". Whatever it takes for me, for you.
What I love about living a life true to yourself is that this life is YOURS. It is not about living according to Jesus, or Buddha, or any other deity. It is about living your authentic life and what rings true in your heart.
What is good for the goose, doesn't necessarily mean it is good for the gander.
The way I live my life is for me, and it works for me, and along the way, it is up to me to tweak it, to mold it as close to my heart as possible. And I know that along the way I am going to screw things up, as I have, but I also know that I am devoted to living an authentic life. To get rid of the things that don't work for me, and to replace them with the things that do. I discover so much about myself along the way, and it is such an amazing trek for me. I learn so much about me, my friendships, how I can be more to someone, and seek less of myself. It is so easy to be worried about the little things in my nucleus and what is happening, but the thing is, there is a whole life out there with family and friends who are going through very difficult times, just like me, or, worse.
I've learned some very crucial lessons withing the weeks past.
What I love about conscious awareness is that there will always be room to grow, to learn, and to do things differently. And mostly, how to keep chiseling down who we think we are, to how we can just BE. I know in that awareness that I can be of some service to someone. I can still take care of myself and tend to my needs, but there is a grand opening to being available to others without question.
I know I always have my homework cut out for me in the sense that people are in need. I also know that there is a ton of homework in creating healthy boundaries that allows all involved to take responsibility for themselves and to allow the holding of the hands to be there together in helping one another on this journey.
No one said this crazy life would be easy. As a matter of fact, no one ever really said anything about how it would go really. You just fly out of the "shoot" and there it is......... let the games begin. You take on the parental guidance, and there you are, like a parrot. You automatically become a replica of a person or persons. It's not like you get to decide from the get go  how you would like things to roll.
It's not until the unraveling begins and you find you, as a person, with very specific thoughts, that the real life begins. Life outside of rules and regulations. Therein lies your individual self. The one that will take on a life of it's own, and form it to the being that is meant to rise up in this world as.......... whoever you are........whatever you want........ that's what I like about this life. We do have luxuries. And the luxury I am talking about is being "allowed" to be your own individual self. You may have an argument or two, but for the most part, we're pretty lucky. I know I am!
I've chosen a pretty tough life in many ways, but honestly, I would never, in a million years, trade it for the world. Not to make anyone happy or satisfied, but to know that I have chosen what makes me happy, and to be able to stand tall in that, and feel honored.
In emptying myself I know that it is a continuous coming home to myself, and that changes daily.
I check in with myself all day long and have to get quiet to be clear on what all of that means to me.
I LOVE THIS PROCESS. It keeps my mind astute.
Some people may observe and say this or that about my little life. As simple as it is, there is always, always the inquisitive mind that ponders life, it's mysteries and how I fit in with it all.
This is no walk down to feed the ducks....... although this is a side road, believe it or not.
There are a million ways to empty ourselves to become less of who we think we need to be, and also a million ways to become more available for others. To forget about this that and the other thing, and to actually be present with life that is happening on so many different levels.
I know I have my homework cut out for me and I am extremely grateful for any and all situations that allow me to come closer to this realization.
I am so grateful for the tiniest of opportunities to shed the layers that don't belong, to get me closest to my raw, raw soul, that continuously is thirsty to become whole, whole, whole!
Thank you for all of you who help me along this exquisite journey called my life.
I am forever humbled ~

WE ALL DIP IN......

......but we also have the choice to DIP OUT!
The mind is a little shit and the first chance it gets it will pack up the van and take you on a joy ride. Who doesn't like joy rides, and that is why it fools us because it gets our adrenalin going and there we are, in the midst of our own movie in our head, riding in the "van" on our joy ride, "excited" as hell, blood pumping through our veins and THIS is what our bodies recognize as FUN. Truly. It's amazing how that whole thing shows up and we totally buy into it. It's such a crock of BS.
I've redefined "fun" in my life and have worked diligently through the years to undo what "fun" means, and what excitement is.
Sometimes I feel as if I am a small child in wonderment, and often times I feel as if I have lived a very full life and am in my 80's, chuckling, saying, " What the hell did I buy into for all of those years?"
I have to take silent breaks away from my everyday norm to look at my life objectively, to see if I am buying "silver coins" or if I am standing firm in my consciousness with a fresh awareness of my actions, my thoughts and how I am moving in the world. Not according to what "should" be or "should not" be, but as a conscious human being, am I moving the way I want according to my own values?
No one is  perfect. We all get the chances, daily, to re-do, re-define, and create our realities the way we want.
I get stuck just like everyone else, but I always try to see what needs to change and ask myself, "what today........ what can I change today to be more in line with my soul's yearning?"
Ya know what? This could be me being lazy and throwing away a plastic bottle into the garbage, knowing full well there is recycling. It doesn't happen often but when it does happen, I stop for a split second and go, "Wow", you are choosing to be lazy right now". I grab it out of the garbage and put it by my door to be put outside. I giggle kinda at my own laziness at times and say to myself lightly, "Give me more consciousness". Like, what the hell......... it's really kinda funny how we just move around so lazy. Honestly. As if we don't have a conscious, or a brain to decipher right from wrong. There's a million things that come to me in a day like that, just for ME, and then you venture out into the big bad world and you see so much. It's as if there is a huge veil over every one's eyes and you almost feel like you are in some Sci-Fi movie with robots moving about, eating candy, staring at their phones, zoning out to music, beeping their horns at people they don't know, cursing because they are angry that you rushed in front of them, I mean it is absolute craziness!!
I feel as if the first part of my life was so intense. I've been intense since I was a young child and that sort of was a curse. I thought and thought and thought and observed till the cows came home. Always reflective and observing behaviors, life, nature and creatures. The whole entire Universe was so sexy to me. So attractive and alluring.
Things haven't changed much and it takes everything for me to remain somewhat in the mainstream of things in "fear" that I will lose the innocence, the gorgeous edge of what is really real for me in this life, and leave all thought to my inner quest. Leave it to whoever or whatever feeds me the consciousness that I am so blessed to have now. The powers of.......... ??
It's like that silly but oh so true old movie called "Ground Hogs Day". We really do get the chance everyday to do things over and over and over again until we get it right. We all make mistakes and that is part of life, but the best is that there is a loving energy that will always be there, and it comes in many forms, to hold your hand, to let you know that you are not alone and that more choices are available to you. More than the old stinky ones you have been trying out but are just old now. Like old socks. Get rid of'em already. There are holes in them, can't you see?
Life is pretty generous.
I feel that. When I am not stuck in my own ideas of how things should go, life throws some pretty amazing curve balls and I laugh at myself when my mouth drops in total surprise. NO!! WHY AM I SURPRISED?
When I trust that I am not the controller, the end all of how life should be run, and I allow a higher power to grab my hand, it gets pretty stellar and then.......... then my mouth drops and I am like............. WHOA!  How did I do that again? And then I want to do it again, and again, just to see if it works more than once. HAHAHHA!! It does damn it! I've relied on this trust for 30 years. It's never proved me wrong. When my little self gets in the way though, it ruins it all. It's a God consciousness that infuses you with the will to truck on. Don't give in to whatever it is that your brain drums up.
It so reminds me of a friend who is a quadriplegic. He couldn't move out of his chair, could only use his arms sparingly, and was in a wheel chair 24/7. He was more capable than many people I know who are fully capable. His willingness to live and to beat all odds, mentally and physically drew me like a magnet. He was and is such an inspiration for all of us who have gotten the divine opportunity to work on his body, to feed him, bath him, work him out, and just hang with an individual who was a gorgeous surfer dude from California who got in a terrible car accident and it changed his life. He, to this day, is one of my biggest inspirations.
You cannot allow ANY OBSTACLE to stand in your way. No matter what it is, there is a way to rise above any affliction, with the trust and love and courage to WANT TO HEAL, to want to change and beat all odds.
The people that inspire me are the ones who throw all ideas out of the window and they do any and everything to achieve the desired goal. When it comes to that intensity, the rule book can stay on the night stand but the source of all sources is the thing that will plummet you to the heights of where you thought or think you could never go or reach.
Take a side road. Just check it out. It doesn't have to be any one person's way. Just your way, whatever is comfortable for you. Get inspired to work outside of the box. To live in the fullest way that you can that will take you out of fear, out of any thought that will keep you stuck, and not feeling totally alive in your beautiful skin.
I'm so inspired myself, tonight. I feel like jumping up and down.
Sometimes it just takes getting a little quiet. Put down the computer or TV or music. Get away from the norm and visit with yourself, silently. It may feel uncomfortable at first but trust me, it's like sitting with a good friend who you haven't seen in a really long time. Once you break the ice, YOU ARE IN HEAVEN. You start laughing, and forgetting about all of the so called "problems" that you have and you just revel in the beauty of the moment, with your "friend". Your best friend, called YOU! ~

COMING BACK, AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND.. AGAIN!

My blogs have been few and far between, and I feel it. I  have many ways of expressing myself but writing has taken a back seat to design, to other types of stimuli. I'm such a passionate thing, I want to touch on all things that I am passionate about yet, time only allows so much. I do manage to get quite a bit in, but usually feel and taste the need for one thing or the other that is out of balance.
I know for me that too much stimuli, whether it be doing daily chores, or working around the clock, or trying to catch a movie early evening, walking the dogs, cooking, creating, trying to stay afloat as a business person, can leave anyone feeling a little left out of an inner balance.
I will be the first one to say to all of my clients, "Balance is the key". I start there with diet and exercise, and then they can do with the rest as they will. It really does apply to every situation. We all know what works and what doesn't for us. We just have to be adults and step up to the plate and take a stance on what that equals, how it looks and just do it. Sometimes it takes banging your head into a wall, or doing things so repetitively that you look at your life and say..........." Uh, NO!" Just can't do that anymore. And then there it is, the gumption that you thought you didn't have is right there, because you tired your own self, of your own doings. How great. No one had to tell you, or maybe people do but it took YOU feeling so sick and tired of the same ol' habits.
It's nothing to feel heavy over, I think. It's just an objective view of your life, how you run it and how no one or anything can be to blame if you are feeling low, or tired, or done with it all. We have us, ourselves, to talk with, to check things out, to place the cards where they may, to feel good or not good, find out what it takes and then lovingly and compassionately, move forward in new directions that will suit you more that what does now.
We have to be our own director. Unfortunately, that can get tiresome, but then we fall short, get lazy and then no longer do we feel the power to take the reigns. All of a sudden it is up to "someone" else or "something" else to make it all happen for us. No longer to feel empowered in our lives.
We want a drug, or someone to ease all of our discomforts. It gets to be too, too much and yes, we all need a helping hand, and I think that will always be there. I believe in a higher power that will always have our backs. I truly do, if we do the best to take responsibility for our beings in the highest of ways.
Everyday, I have to check in with myself, quietly, objectively, to see what's happening, how I am feeling and why. Do I like it? No! It's a pain in the ass actually, but I'll be damned if I am going to wait for some outside source to fill me in on ME. I'm not opposed to it. I love therapy, but I also love knowing who I am, why I choose the things and situations that I do, and try, with all of my heart, to act accordingly.
It does mean, coming back to myself, time and time again. I think that looks different to everyone. We all have our list of things, of priorities for ourselves, our goals, our desires and how it all feels and looks in a world that is so fleeting. When I say fleeting, I truly mean that with every morsel of my being.
I'm nearing 50. I realize it is a number but I also realize that things are changing. I have no want or desire to be someone. I embrace my passions, quietly, and share with a few, but I wake up everyday with the same anxieties that everyone does, the same fears, the same regrets, the grief of lost ones, or past mistakes............ all of it. I choose to heal myself in my private ways. I choose to heal through meditation and prayer, through silence.
Not everyone is the same.
It takes COMING BACK, AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, to that place that only you know feels right. The place that tells you, in your own time, what is needed, what is not needed, and how you can go about it.
I don't believe that any one  person can give you the answer. I believe that there is a world of teachers out there who, if you listen close enough, are telling you exactly what you need to hear, and they are right there in front of your face, and it doesn't have to be this psychological essay, or drama, or some long drawn out thing. It could be as simple as one sentence that sets us straight, and then it is up to us to act. Only we know what we need to do to act.
It kind of reminds me of doing inventory at the end of the night at a restaurant I worked in. I hated doing the foot work. As a matter of fact, I loathed it!!! Ask anyone! But if I can say so myself, doing that inventory every night gave me a really good picture of what things really looked like and what I had to do the next day to fix it, or make it right.
We have to have some guide line of the structure that we "think" we have. It will always, always change, and that is what I am noticing. Change is constantly happening and I cannot change CHANGE! If I fight it, then there I go, being the salmon who is swimming upstream, taking all of the blows from the water, but if it just relaxed in the water and let the waves take it, it would find it's natural home and safety.
I'm so grateful for the private teachings I receive from nature, from my animals, and from the people in my life who show me what it is that I want and what it is that I don't.
I  continue to bathe in gratitude for my learning, for being able to stay as open in this life when most of my life has shown me that I "should be a closed, closed soul".
Life is not easy, and it does hurt. If we are at all connected to something other than ourselves, we will feel the emotional roller coaster of pain, of sorrow, of abandon, of love, of crying and laughing. It's just part of the whole journey. It's all embracing.
I can't fool myself into thinking that if I have a good attitude that things will disappear. I know that if I keep the faith and a positive outlook and I make my meditation a priority than I will be given all of the same situations, the same losses, the same loves, the same sum of life, but.......... I will have my foundation resting in a place that does not feel one way or the other. The foundation allows me to be a bystander in my own life, to take in all of the facts, feel them like any human would but to take it to another place that I hand it over to, a  place of sheer trust, a  place that says" I am not in control here". A godly place, if you will, that only I know, is a place of total trust. It takes the weight off of me doing any kind of specific work and allows me more opportunity to trust in a process so much greater than my everyday thinking.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT AND NEED TO NURTURE. This is a belief of mine. I share not to say that THIS is the way, but a way that has continuously worked for me, has humbled me in the greatest times of despair and has kept me low key, not wanting, not needing, but just being.
I thank every situation in my life that is teaching me to stay humble and grateful and optimistic about changing the ways of thinking in our society.
If I can do the work myself, it will be a big fat game of domino's. I'm not looking to change anyone or say my way is the way.I just think we ALL are making life way more complicated than what it is.
Go on....... go outside........... chill...............put the list down. Relax in your being and forget about the should's, where you think you need to be, or what you need to have.
Life is happening and it's happening fast.
Seize this moment.
I am.
~

Back in the Swing 'a things........

It's been awhile and boy, has my life taken lots of twists and turns. I've not written my blog in some time. I journal quite often, but my blog that I love so much has gone dormant due to life changes, trying to stay afloat with change, and trying to keep self motivated so I am not beholden to any crazy structure in a building that makes me feel more dead than walking the grounds of a cemetery. Truly, it has been nuts.
I will be writing again and more consistently but wanted to break ground and let you all know I am still here and will be sharing the events of my life, and all that goes along with that. Life is golden and no matter what shows up, I always have the opportunity to jump on the positive wagon and CREATE my life, not succumb to what should be or what I think HAS to be.
There's always the chance to change and to see what is good for me in a very balanced way. That, to me, is hard core work, and especially to apply it in a very conscious way. WOW!
No matter how old I am....... I'll be doing this work.
It ignites me, and also, puts me to the test.
I miss you all and thank you for being a part of my life.
~

LOST FOR WORDS

.... But then again, I always seem to find them if I find myself on this page.
It is usually like that. I feel so full, so ready to empty my soul of whatever lurks in there...... no matter what it looks like, and tonight, so much is there. I don't know how to name it, nor do I want to, I just know there is something there and it needs to surface in one way or the other.
I have not been logging things on a regular basis. I just decided that when the moment strikes, write! After all, the thing that I love the most about writing is that there is no rhyme or reason, you just write what you want, when you want, and there isn't any right or wrong about it. No one can tell me that what I wrote was wrong, because it is my own individual experience and I share it with no response required.
My time here, alone, and sharing it with individuals who I meet up with have been nothing other than exquisite. Even if it has been a situation where it hasn't seemed "perfect", although we all know there is no situation that is "perfect", I have managed to see things in a better way. A way that will turn the seemingly chaotic and dysfunctional to a lesson and a way to get me to kneel to my funny bone, to see the absurdity of a situation, and to move on with a lightness that makes for a much better road to walk on, rather than an uncertain cobblestone road that we think we can't tread upon.
My life teaches me so much! I do get to see my life in an objective way most times, and sometimes not, and then I love to hear my friend tell me how she sees things and I laugh, and say, "Reallllllllllyyy?"
I always take in certain peoples opinions of how they see things. My friends that have known me forever. It's not to say that everything they see is right on, because often, my ways are taken for a "gabriela thing".
Not so.
I'm pretty straight up.
I like this, I don't like that, and let me try to be fluid in the meantime.
I'm stubborn yes, I like things a certain way, but will never be so stuck as to not budge,  ya know?
It's taken me years upon years to come to the place I am now.
I don't want to compromise who I am for anyone or thing.
If I do, I begin to die a slow death.
I want to live a certain lifestyle that I think is worthwhile. It may not be that way for everyone.
That doesn't mean my way is the way. I just see things a certain way for me, just me. That doesn't mean that I think everyone should live that way. That is just for my little evolution here.
I  have lived a life from how my mom thought I should live it because she is a mother who has certain values. I always respected them. I have not always agreed with them. We always agreed to disagree, but when it came to seeing things from a Mother's perspective I had to give way. I  have never been a mother, at least never having a child. I feel like a mother in every other aspect of my life, leave a child behind.
Come time for me to make my own decisions, I retreated to nature, to animals, to writing.
This is still the place I find myself complete.
When I was 4 I retreated to the woods with my notebook. I stared at the trees, the beautiful autumn leaves, and the dirt that I rode upon with my little Honda 50 motorcycle..... riding to find a comfortable spot outside of the norm....at 4 and 5. I kid you not.
I knew something then. Life spoke to me in big ways and I didn't know what to do with it. All I knew was that I needed to cultivate it. Back then it was more like, " I gotta get back on my mini bike and into the woods.......that was cool as shit!!!"
It wasn't like I literally thought I was on to some spiritual revelation, but I tell you now, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that something inside of me was extraordinary and it was going to be a mission of sorts, for me to discover what this "thing" was. I didn't feel special, but I certainly felt different in my alone way. I considered it sacred beyond belief!!!
Early on, I separated myself from the "norm" and was on a self discovery path that I wasn't quite privy to, in a literal sense, but inwardly knew exactly what I was doing with a great sense of purpose.
That certainly wasn't to say that what my peers were doing was wrong. I just felt like a huge observer and laughed quite often at how we, as humans, acted so robotically. It truly wigged me out to see these things early on, and too, to go ahead, with small steps to discover myself within the "norm" and then to step out of the norm. To experience the difference was mind blowing to me and wound up being a sort of quest for me as a young child and adult. I was captivated by life, human nature, and especially the workings of the mind and how it related to me and the world around me.

I hear my brother saying, " It is a BLOG" and it should be one paragraph, and I look at that for a second, and then I say to myself, " Who the F...cares?" Who is to say that a blog equals this or that? Oh, it just goes on and on, with the should and shouldn'ts.

I have always been about who you are and what that looks like,  no matter how it "should" look like.
I embrace everyone and how they want to "show up" here. It's intricate guys. We are all here with crazy emotions, a past that more than likely decides half of our future, weather we like it or not, unless we take the bull by the horns and actually MOLD our next half of our lives.
ARE WE?

RISK MAY INVOLVE FAILURE.... BUT.....

.... IF YOU DON'T GO OUT ON A LIMB, HOW WILL YOU EVER KNOW?

Actually, I am not a firm believer in the word "Failure".
To me, you try something and if it doesn't work you just go to plan B. I guess you can deem it "failure", but that word always seems to have a negative connotation, and "failing" to me is not a negative, it is just a little punch in the arm that says, "hey, let's do this next time and see if this works", and onward you go to see if  plan B is going to make "IT" happen.
I remember years ago sitting in my jacuzzi sharing a conversation with someone after my Interior Design business went down, and I went from making 6 figures, having 2 BMW'S, building my own home, traveling the world buying, going and doing as I pleased, to scrambling to make my mortgage, and wondering how I was going to keep this all up. The person in the jacuzzi said to me, "Admit it, YOU HAVE FAILED!!! Go ahead, ADMIT THAT YOU FAILED!!!
It was a really wild moment in time for me. I thought, "WHOA, there is some serious gumption behind that statement", and.... interesting that I would have never looked at my situation as a "failure" but a learning experience and to try things differently the next time.

That statement stayed with me for years, and honestly, I felt bad for the person that said that to me, because I knew that they themselves were in the most frantic state, a non believer in making things happen, and someone who was so accustomed to the norm, which is a regular job, with benefits, and everything you can imagine that would make you "safe and sound" in the world.
It isn't a judgement, just an awareness how we are all different, and how one persons way can seem better than the other.
I say, "stick to what feels right in your heart and soul".
It doesn't feel right for me to stick to the status quo. Not because I am trying to be different, but because I always try to find alternate ways to do exactly what I want to do, to stay in love and in line with whatever that vehicle is, and to have fun along the way. It's stressful like anything else, to try to find out what we love and to stay true to it, especially if it doesn't look in line with what "needs" to happen, doesn't offer much "security" or anything on the list of what "looks good and right" in today's world or economy.
It IS a crap shoot, and I say I am not a gambler, but in this sense, I have to be. I always ask myself, "What is the worst case scenario?". What could possibly happen if you venture off to find out if you like this, or don't like that?"
I will never know unless I push the limits on my own belief systems. Lord knows whatever beliefs I have are for sure limited and old school. All OK, but not for me, for the most part.


I don't like to feel imprisoned by ideas!!
I find my way as if I am walking in the dark at night with a flashlight.
I peek around the corners hoping there is nothing lurking there, but nevertheless, I peek! I go, with the flashlight like a brave little soldier, hoping nothing bites me in the a.......sh tray!

We are all the same on this ride.
We are all afraid.
We are all wondering what lurks on the other side.
We all want solid, concrete answers.
We all want something that is tangible, but the truth is, there are no guarantees, not anywhere at any time.
So, how do we maneuver in the world knowing this as a total TRUTH?
Without hiding from ourselves, how do we move, stay at a peaceful calm, knowing all of life's realities, like it or not, and be OK, and to stay true to what we want and love, even if it is outside of what everyone else is doing?
Where is the balance?
I say, "Do what rings true first and foremost, and see where that takes you". Outside of any kind of ideas of what should or should not be, and see how you feel?
You will be surprised at what shows up for you.
You will probably have to separate your own feelings about how you think your life should be going in order to adhere to a higher Truth, but once you get the gist of how trust works, you will reap the benefits of an amazing consciousness.
No such word as FAILURE.
MOVE AHEAD in the direction you know in your heart will work for you, without any obstacles!!!
This way, I support 500%.
Remember, NEVER A FAILURE IN RISK. NEVER A FAILURE........PERIOD!!!
~

TRUE LOVE..AS I SEE IT!

I think we all go through life wondering what this THING IS called TRUE LOVE. In all of my years, since a child, there has been many forms of a true love, from my mother, to my grandmother, to my sister, to friends, and to close people in my life that have given to me without an expectation. So is that it? True love is giving without expectation? What does it all really mean?
I am proud to say that this month I will be 45. WOW!! Look at that "number", as it IS only a number.
I can say that there has been some pretty great "true loves" in my life. I do have to say though, that as I get older, that definition changes, and as I mature, I see that it is NOT about what we GET from someone, but accepting the whole of someone, and RECEIVING that whole, however that shows up, and practicing TRUE LOVE in being able to step away from the self, and to allow humanness, and altercation, and differences, and to be able to be vulnerable enough to take some punches when you don't feel like taking punches.
To be able to listen without interjection, and to be humble enough to let your stuff out, as if it is going to be hung out on a clothes line, not being sure if it will even be hung out to dry. You just know you are putting yourself out there, wet, hanging, and feeling a bit cold and hard.
You wonder if you will dry OK.

True love doesn't always show up as the "coming home with roses on the table" sort of thing, although, that is always lovely to me. Flowers are a sentiment, and dear to me. Maybe it is the old fashioned girl in me who likes to be courted and sent flowers just because. I'm that way, but then again, I am a mushy kinda girl! Who DOESN'T LOVE flowers?

I am learning that just because I am a softy, it doesn't mean that life or situations will always be soft and the way I like them. It isn't that I didn't know that, but when it comes to love, you kinda hope and wish that things will be this way and that way, and hell.............I am in love so it should show up like THIS. It just isn't that way, and it is not a bad thing. I think we all have our ideas of how that should show up, and the whole picture is set, because who doesn't want their perfect fantasy of love to come true?
But when love shows up at your door, and it doesn't show up when you want, and how you want, you start looking at the age old version of how" romantic love should look", and if it is not happening, you wonder, if you are stuck in a time warp and just have grandiose ideas, or that you are just not caught up with the times that encompass all of the daily stresses, the economy, the reality of time and space, and the humanness of where we are all at in our evolution, take that all into consideration, and find the TRUE LOVE within all those REAL LIFE situations and begin a new way of looking at how to love, without a fixed idea of how things should go or not go.
Love is so beautiful to me. Love, TRUE LOVE, does not equal the three times a week MUST that we should have the big O. I mean, seriously, let's get a grip!!! Half the time I hear people say, "Oh yeah, we have it at least 5 times a week", I'm thinkin' ... Oh, go right ahead.....have fun! Hope you had a conversation or two that week.
Oh god, I'm sorry. I am so crazy when it comes to all of this. Kind of like the, "Honey, why don't you wear lace anymore for me", statement. "Because, honey, the honeymoon DOES IN FACT END, and the fact of the matter is, I LOVE WEARING BOXER SHORTS OK?"
I want fun and spontaneity, love and compassion, to be listened to and to listen, to understand and to be understood as much as possible. I know that being understood is almost impossible as we are all eclectic human beings with a mysticism about us and we cannot all be understood, ever. I KNOW THIS. The human mind and soul can never be truly understood. And that is OK. It is that beautiful thing where you just sit back, as if at an art opening, and watch someone, without having to understand their ways, and revel in their eccentricity and not have to know all of the whys and how's but appreciate what is before you.
Maybe I am boiling this all down to TRUE LOVE IS....ALLOWING??
I don't know, I am on this ride like you are reading this.
I write as it flows through my soul.
It's the very thing I love about writing.
No one can tell me if it is right or wrong. It is here, inside of me, I listen, I write, and I allow it all to flow onto these blank pages.
I learn as I go.
So amazingly precious to me, honestly!!
Today, I feel like a baby learning how to love and how to be open, and to allow myself to be vulnerable again.
We all have been hurt before and I am not a believer in allowing our past to dictate our present moments, or future.
I think we have the ability to heal ourselves through prayer and meditation and the willingness to be open time and time again, because not one situation is the same.
I do not want to walk around like a suit of armor, fighting off anything that may seem of "harm" or of a danger to my heart.

I would never want to miss out on any beauty that life has to offer because I have been scorned in the past.
I think life is "scorning" in general, and so if I go by that reality, I will know to love that much more.
People are deserving of our presence. The here and now with them. Not the past that we dredge up, because we are afraid of being hurt again.
"In life honey, we get hurt, that is the reality of it", says my mother before she passed. "It's not a bad thing, it's just the reality of life"." We love, and we get hurt, but NEVER, EVER, STOP LOVING". I live by my mothers words. I listen so intently from a woman who has been hurt over and over again. She NEVER stopped loving ANYONE who had "hurt" her.

So, I never was interested in getting my PH.D, but if there were any subject that I would like to master over, it is that of LOVE.
I always want to be allowing, and loving, and present!!! I want to listen, and listen closely with no interruption.
I want my love to be my only love, and create something so different and bold that, to me, will shatter glass.
Allow people to see the beauty in a TRUE LOVE, that stretches beyond ideas, and beyond the norm.

There is a formula that I keep to myself, and when the moment presents itself, I want to unveil this phenomenon and see if not only myself, but the one who I invite in will cherish the 4th of July the rest of the 364 days that remain.
I giggle at my own revelations, and too, feel charmed by a life that makes me sick, and mad, and all at the same time, utterly grateful for my very existence here.
What a wild, wild ride. That fantastical magic carpet ride beckons me, every last second of my days.
I'll never veer from that ride, for it is the ride of a god damn lifetime!!
Thank you for all of my moments in this wondrous, wondrous life!
Before you know it, it will all be over and I do know for sure, that I would have been grateful!!!
Pissed some people off, but nevertheless, extremely grateful!!!
I love you, as you so well know.
Gabriela