BEING TOTALLY COMPASSIONATE

I know there are a gazillion ways to feel and be totally compassionate, but some stick out more than others.

Tonight, I had dinner with a special friend who has just been here for a few months, is from a different country, and is having a difficult time understanding the English language, and is planning on staying here, for many reasons, but the language "barrier" is holding her back from so much.

To me, this country is so open, so willing to help, and probably one of the easiest places to get along, even if you don't know the language.

It has been magnificent, learning a different language, helping to understand our way, and the English language, but for me as well. I am learning a different language, a different culture, and a way to be more compassionate.

To me, my friends English is no barrier, no problem! To her, it is a nemesis.

I told her, I can't imagine going to your country, just last minute, and trying to understand a language that no one had ever taught me. WOW! Kudos to you! Don't negate your progress my friend. It takes balls to go to a foreign place, put yourself out there, and to just try to speak a language that is so unfamiliar. Please don't skip over those huge details. It takes someone quite courageous to embark on that journey, amongst the many other things that go along with being a foreigner, especially here, in vanilla land, white bread America.

I won't expound just yet, there is just wayyyyyyyyyyy too much!

I have so much love and respect for those who jump off of the cliff of comfort and into an abyss of uncertainty, to follow their heart, even if they aren't sure where their heart needs to be. YOU ARE EXPLORING WITHOUT CAUTION! THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! I SUPPORT YOU AND ANYONE.......ON THIS ROAD!

That is where the goods are! You are on the right track!! Don't go anywhere!

They don't call it the "Mystery" for shits and grins........... It IS for a reason!

It does take a certain mind set to keep you sharp, clear and understanding of such a bizarre road, that no one seems to take but the risky.

It takes a lot to get privy, OK with, and comfortable with the uncomfortable, to meander ahead in the pasture of love, and be able to apply things in regular everyday generic life.

This past year it has taken me a lot to get back to that reality, and it has it's pleasures, but man, we do, have to consider the roads that make up half of our everyday work lives, and for just a pinch, do what we need to do, plan or whatever, just enough to get us through, but like a drug addict to his choice of drug, it is hard to take us, the ones who believe in love, away from our element of risk hood, to risk EVERYTHING..............DAMN................. EVERYTHING.........for LOVE, that beckons us so passionately, so purely, and directly.

You cannot take that away from us, and even if you do, we will secretly find time to dig it up again, to taste that sweetness, to be able to apply it in any which way that we can, because it means............THAT MUCH!

I have recently come to some major conclusions in my life. Not by making any choices in my life, but allowing everyday life to dictate what it is that I really want. It is pretty much written in sand......... I haven't said stone, just yet, but man, I am so on fire with the possibilities of my summation of what the rest of my life might be like. I'm excited and a little bit nervous that it isn't like the norm, but then again, when has my life been that "norm"?

I have never felt this detached, and that is a weird kind of word for me. Situations arise and I feel myself attached but life says, "Don't", not because it is bad, but I truly think there is some little nomad in there saying, "Gabriela, I know this is appealing, but........ we know what you truly want".

I feel like I am in the process of the Caterpillar to the Butterfly.

Wow, it is intense, and I am shedding skin, and even if it hurts, I get glimpses of my new found rise in evolution, and I forge forward, hoping it will bring me closer to what I envision as my "IN LOVE".

I feel in love right now, but it is only glimpses.

I know I am on the right path, for me, at least.

I may be alone but I am feeling so Pioneer-esque that it doesn't matter one IODA!

I am just so grateful for the FREEDOM OF CHOICE, and that I am able to voice my opinion, somewhere. Whether or not it gets recognized is another story.

I am soooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooo grateful for the opportunities that I have to be able to express my heart, to be able to be heard, and for the ability to make choices that are razor sharp to my my own beliefs!

God, we are so darn lucky!!!!

After talking to a friend tonight, we have many, many choices, in comparison to others and where they are from.

Let's take a moment of gratitude for our lives and how special and privileged we really are!

I'm not being corny, I'm being real!

I'm so passionate about this moment.

I wish I could articulate how it all really is, inside.

I'd probably blow myself right outa the water.

Thank you........thank you for expression!

It means everything to me...it really does!

All my love to you and for those who have helped me along my journey.

I love you so much!

Gabriela

KINDA LIVING TWO LIVES.....

It is always so amazing to me, to go to work, and do what you are supposed to do, and interact, and yes, be yourself, in front of the house, but too, in back of the house. I don't really want to change for anyone or anything. I guess, if it doesn't work, I will go elsewhere.

There is a certain line I just cannot cross, and that is not being true to who I am. It's hard enough to follow hard core rules, but then when it comes down to personal stuff, in your daily life, sometimes there is just no compromise.

The work that I do does require a certain amount of being "on", but honestly, for the most part, that comes real easy. I don't feel like I have to turn a switch on at all, it' just me.......

I remember 2 years back when my mom had just passed, and I came back to work. That was the ONLY time, I could not control the smile, the chatter, the this, and the that. My body took on some new thing that I wasn't aware of, and I just went with it. It was real, so I didn't care much, but it was different.

It was a whole new language for a period of time, to allow myself to just be, with what was happening, and to be vulnerable enough to sometimes say, "I'm sorry, I know I am not the Gabriela that you are used to everyday, but Mom just passed and......well......... tears would automatically come, and it was for sure, a new language for myself, to be true, not fake, because why...... but to be real, in my regular everyday setting, and to allow human nature to surface, and wow, people were very, very supportive. Some of my most beautiful relations are with those who were there for me, customers, when my mom passed.

I reflected on the last few days with my employees. Several of them.

I think all of you know that I am pretty much based in emotion........ and if you haven't figured that out yet, you will tonight.

I have this position, as Manager, and it is good.

Things in the last year have geared me toward extreme boundaries, given, on my end, and too, received on my end. Both very well understood, and both, I have to say, very, very difficult.

I don't really enjoy either end, to be honest.

I am close with all of my employees.

Most are like children, some kindred spirits, and some, I have to say, are there for specific reasons, and have been yanked from a previous life, to finish up some stuff that wasn't quite done, and now..........the chance............. seriously.

There are many employees, and to be honest, one of the main reasons I love going to work is for them.

The role of Manager is there, but on both parts, without words or explanation, there is a huge understanding that there is a connection, and it is beyond sweet.

I am the recipient of many childhood stories, school troubles, relationship troubles, abuse, neglect, friendship troubles, family stuff, and too, work related things that are troublesome, really, just the interaction with people, in general, and how it has or has not worked for these souls.

They come to me, tell me what is happening, because they feel comfortable, which to me is gold!!
I know what it is like to not have anyone that understands you. You find that one person, and all of a sudden there are hard core boundaries that go along with it. It hurts me greatly!!!!
It hurts me to not be able to be there for them in the way that I would like.
In another sense, I see how there could be innumerable people who would "need me" in this capacity and somehow you need to put a cap on it, or be distant enough to give them what you can, but know deep inside that you are not their mother, or guardian. I know that what I can do, is give them the utmost love, from a genuine place, and hope that they will be OK, and maybe someday my words or thoughts or comfort, came in handy or helped them to evolve in some way.

I cannot help but to think of a special friend who has helped me so greatly in my life within the last year.


I am not sure if they feel this way, but what I do know is that it takes a lot to take on someone else's life, and to take it into your hands, in a real, and conducive way! Wow, what a task.

Kudos to you and all that is involved with that! Phew!! It is a lot, and takes a big person to be able to separate your emotions.

I come home after work and once I am settled into my own abode, I meld into myself, my own reality, my own everything, and it seems as if my life is so, so different from that of which I live everyday, hours upon hours.

Don't get me wrong, I am myself, but there are so many different elements that come into play, and it is so busy. When I return home, the buzi.....ness......wears off and I am back home to myself, the naked raw self that can do or be or have whatever she wants.

It's funny kind of, to see what I continue to choose over and over again, as what I love.

Once in awhile I go through the should"s and shouldn'ts but for the most part, I am dead on with what I want, and how I want my time spent. It blows people away, especially with how they see my personality.

Such is the title, "KINDA LIVING TWO LIVES".

I am not pretending, by all means. I am both people, and all traits I have mentioned. But, when I return home, there is a very specific energy, very focused way, that is, really just me, but I think if my co-workers were to spend an evening with me, they wouldn't really know what to do with "This Gabby".

I had one "coworker" over the other night for an incredible dinner.

I never invite people over, only because, (not to sound pompous), there aren't many people I want to spend that much time with).

We went shopping for a menu we had planned, spent the day shopping, came home, and we both were in our element, cooking, loving food, getting excited about the new recipes, the why's the how's, the good wine we chose to go with the food, the perfect music, the fire, the dim lights, and the whole picture. We meshed together as if this was what we were supposed to be doing. It was so god darn awesome. Just an intertwining that fit, so perfectly.

This, by all means, was NOT a romantic interlude. On the contrary, it was two people so passionate about food, about pure friends, and just enjoying life and it's subtle gems that we get to eat, explore, and too, the enormity of human nature, and what it has to offer! The layers run deep. Dinner, never is ......dinner! Wine is never just "wine".

You connect on a level that erases all thought or labels!
Shoot. This is my own personal experience................ my friend could be sayin, "Great Calamari Gabriela", and end of story, who knows??

I don't think so, but, hay, I never want to speak for anyone else.

For me, I am like a sensitizer. Nothing passes by me without some kind of filter. A filter to check out the why's the how's and how it affects you during the process.

On my end...........I do live two lives.

My work scenario lets my home life in ... in small doses, which is good, and then, it all could use some good infusion of it to a great degree, to get people to come together more, to participate, and to forget about what issues they have, and hold hands with one another in the process.

It's a crazy ride.........one that I have obviously been willing to ride.

People are truly awesome.

I love my employees who are just starting out in life, and are relating to me in the most raw and organic ways.

I will never negate their experiences, nor will I ever forget who they are!

~

I THINK..........

That if it is possible to be 100% OK with where you are, and embracing all of it's fancy colors, uncertainties, and grey areas, then you have made a huge mark in your evolution!

I think it is always important to keep your dreams alive, and to make sure you are headed that way, at every moment in time, just to be sure that you are not cheating yourself of your own good time that you know you will have, since, of course, it is your dream, that you are drumming up.

It is the in between ground that I think is JUST AS IMPORTANT, to get a good grip of, to make sure you are not waiting for that other thing, or the softer grass on the other side, thinking that IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER.

The truth is, it may.........but where you are is happening for a reason. It really is. Me too! I mean, I could easily say, "OK, enough already", but the soft grass ain't happenin' and so I have to make my own soft grass where the mud is, somehow, right now! I cannot wait!

I want to laugh, to enjoy, and to partake in life as if it is exactly what I want, even though, it may not be, right now.

I check out the simple things in between the rough edges, try to see the beauty in all situations, and if not, check in with someone who will remind me of those sacred little spots that I am skipping over.

No one really had a set formula for living in this life, scott free, easy sailing, and no bruises along the way. If so, they weren't in my click of friends, that is for sure.

I remember as a kid, I would always envy my rich friends who's parents were doctors, lawyers, mothers stayed at home playing tennis, they grew up with Fido the dog, a million games, toys, phones, TVs, clothes, and such...........a new wardrobe before the start of a new school year........you know the type........... and there I was this little ruff and tumble, holes in her jeans (not much has changed, except it is fashionable these days), and we didn't have much, but I was always laughing amongst the crazy stuff that was happening, finding creative ways to stay true to myself, and to make light of all situations. I'd look at my friends who had it so easy, and think, are they really happy? It's funny because they always said they wanted to be like me?? Go figure! The grass that seemed so "green", wasn't actually so "green" for them, for whatever reason!

I know the grass isn't really greener on the other side from tons of my own experiences.

So with that, everyday, I strive to accept life's challenges, losses, and sense of my reality that may or may not be short of what I think is best for me.

It is like doing a thesis on human behavior, studying yourself, how you relate to the world, others, and how to stay so true to yourself, and too, to make sure you know what the SELF is, and if not, mold yourself to what it is that you think you want to be, inside and out.

The psyche is pretty intricate, and this past year has given me so many huge opportunities to look soooo closely at myself, my actions, my words, my ways, and how I relate to the world, my friends, my acquaintances, my "teachers" and family.

It is quite the responsibility to get that microscope out, to be honest enough to look at yourself, and to change things if they need to be changed, or challenge those who think you are something that you are not, or, plainly, just not do anything and dare to be OK with not having to say a word, and letting people think what they want about you.

That is always interesting, and........hard, to be honest with you!

They do think they know you, and you say nothing, and they think, "Yes, I had her pegged".

Sorry to burst your bubble, just don't want to have to explain myself any further.

I don't know how people do it, really?! Either people are unhappy, and can't recognize it, and just assume that they are happy, and do what they know, OR, they march on, being their own individual, and hope that along that path, they will find support for their boldness, and people who will actually get it, or at least support you with somewhat of an understanding and maybe open to a new understanding, but for people to peg you, as "this or that", and not take a step into uncharted territory is amazing to me.

Did I just go off on a short tangent? xoxo

Always keep your dreams alive, stay true to who you are, and ask deeply, that you attract people of like mind, that don't just understand where you are coming from, but LIVE WHAT YOU LIVE, and can share that commonality as a true experience, not one that seems like some pie in the sky.

Individuality is great, and I say, "Always stay true to it, but damn, make sure you have a good ol' parachute for the many falls that come along with it".

It is a ride...............

I will always support any and all creativity, individual choices, no matter what they are, and embrace your every desire, as if it were my own.

People need that.

Lets be there for each other.

~

SQUEEZING IN QUALITY TIME......

I just realized something as I continued to type in the rest of the letters to the title of my blog.

What quality time to us is, the perfect picture, of maybe being quite, alone, (at least for me), in nature, observing nature, life, having quiet time to contemplate what it is that I feel, getting objective on things, so to not be caught up in the roller coaster of life, and to be able to march forward with some clarity, and a consciousness that keeps you in high regard for yourself, your soul, and your applications in life.

It dawned on me that maybe it isn't the perfect picture that is supposed to do it for me. Maybe my learning IS IN the hustle and bustle, the "no moments to spare", and that my learning curves are amped up maybe a little bit more than I would like, but in it, is the gold, that keeps me so utterly awake, in every moment, and so grateful for every last situation that has left me speechless, literally!

My thoughts sway from time to time, thinking that it just doesn't have to be this way, and I feel that inside, and we do, without a doubt have control over our own destinies, but in the meantime, for us who are still learning to master that plan, we can embrace all of these moments and learn to not want anything else, as the proverbial, "Grass is greener on the other side", motto.

I have some beautiful, beautiful lessons before me, and it hasn't been easy, but nevertheless, I am stronger within, have a better sense of who I am, and who I want to become, more and more everyday.

The details, I think will work themselves out, although, I do think that with some precise thinking on my part, I can map out exactly what I want, and achieve it. I don't know myself to NOT GET WHAT I WANT.

At this point and time, I do have to get specific. It always is geared toward a very secluded life, which excites me, and then there is the part that says, " Hmmm, I know my feisty personality, it will have to have some one to bounce my craziness off of". My unedited humor, thoughts and individual perspectives need some sort of expression.

It is so hard to find quality time to get down to the bare bones about what it really is that I want, or at least narrow things down and make some sort of plan.

Work takes up a lot of time.

With daily living, it becomes the "rat on the wheel", which I hate to categorize myself in.

It bugs me everyday, and I cannot sleep, wondering how I will successfully weave my way outside of a world that is so "concrete", so robotic with what should happen.

In some odd way, I wish I were that simple, as to want to go to work, come home, watch some TV, and go to bed.

I go to bed with a burning desire to know so many things. To go deeper into realms that I have uncovered in my life. Once that has been uncovered, there is no turning back for me.

It's like tasting the sweetest dessert, and never finding it again.

You go from shop to shop, tasting all kinds of sweets, and you just cannot find that one flavor that knocked your socks off.

I am quietly determined to get to where I want to be, and it has been a very lonely ride. That is not to feel any kind of sorrow or sadness for me at all. It is just that with my train of thought, there is a deep requirement from me.

In all of my alone time, I have swerved from deep human regular experiences, to the sublime, where I just wish I would not have to return, and maybe if I did, it would be to be of some service, quietly, but to make some kind of difference in the world.

How, though, to get so precise, clear, and productive in a regular world that requires so much of your time, and bills, and responsibilities...........the list goes on.

Hay, look, I'm not looking to be the loner, saint who is homeless, and wants a badge for helping others, by all means.

I honestly think there is a calling, and I haven't quite found it, but am swimming so strong to get there, wherever "there" is.

Like I said, maybe "there", is HERE. Doing what I am doing, and being a regular kind of person, that is interacting with the people that I do, everyday.

I cannot negate those experiences, they are bold, deep, and individual, amongst a regular work day.

Sometimes I come home and say, "Maybe my idea of things is all wrong". Maybe the teachings for me and others is in just being me, in a regular atmosphere, but staying strong and centered inside, with the love and truth that I know to be real and alive.

I can cry thinking of the heights that it takes me, and then, I think, I need something else.

Maybe I am just good where I am, and it is just that simple!!

Maybe I negate my daily life, thinking I need some intense happening.

I really do love my life, it's just that I am so passionate I could scream.

Where, then, is the outlet, and..................THE TIME!

I don't want to squeeze in quality time!

I feel good by myself, figuring out who I am, and how I want to mold my life, according to my own personal beliefs, not what others want me to be, for them.

I don't really miss anyone in my life, just the ones who have some kind of burning question, or conversation that can relate to getting to the deeper core of who we are and what exactly we are here for.

It certainly isn't for making a million bucks, having a nice car, and coming home for a nice Filet Mignon and great bottle of wine............. Got all that, minus the millions..............

Who cares? Really!

"Come to me with Nothin", I say. Just come open, and with something to say.

I could care less about anything else.

It really is, all ..........irrelevant.

~

DON'T SWAY TO THE LEFT............

DON'T SWAY TO THE RIGHT!

Stay at a happy medium, in the middle, where there is a conscious thought of being solid in the now, the present, and taking glances a bit into the future, only to see what you might need to plan for, just the important stuff like making flight arrangements, or making deadlines, or plans to actually do something when and where.........

Life throws so many curve balls, that if we stay too stuck in our "plans", than we will be highly disappointed if something goes awry.

Don't get too excited about things, and don't get too "low" if something doesn't pan out...........stay somewhere in the middle, whereas, if you are neutral, and solid in the moment, and not expecting too much out of anyone, or putting to much credence in a plan, than it is highly unlikely that you will be disappointed.

Find the middle ground.

It's hard when life throws so many curve balls around, and you feel like you are swimming in a huge whirlpool of debris.

Look at the debris, access the situation, and move forward with strength, courage, and with some sort of plan that will bail you out of your own mess.

There are solutions to every problem, we just have to get clear enough to hear the message inside, as to what those solutions are, or, at least, bring in people who might be able to give you a few good messages to apply to your daily life and practices.

Don't go too far to the left, and don't swing too far to the right. Stay right where you are, as much as you can, and look objectively.

It is such a good thing, for me at least. I will do anything to gain a more clear vision of what needs to happen next in my life. But in the meantime, I'm stepping back, to look at things a bit closer, but putting them back down on the table so I can take a better look at what Gabriela actually has on her plate............. then I can say.."Hmmm", now, what plan of action should I take?"

If the plan doesn't pan...........well, then............ I continue to look at the table, with all of my "cards" on it, and begin to see things in a different light. A little effort, a little trust..................

That works for me, what about you?

~

The Ocean

Silence lies in the Ocean,
while words flow through the river.

The Ocean waits for you,
don't wait for the River.

Look to the Ocean
and watch it's message.

It will come!
It will come!

~

SITTIN'............

On my bed with boxers and UGG Boots............ contemplating life!

That is it!

There is a whole bunch of life that is happening............turning and churning..................

I am just grateful for the workings of Love.

Tons of words could be said, or talked about, but really, it is as simple as this..............

I am so utterly grateful for my life and what it has to offer.

Thank you so much.............. for allowing me to express, so genuinely............

I love you!