It is always so amazing to me, to go to work, and do what you are supposed to do, and interact, and yes, be yourself, in front of the house, but too, in back of the house. I don't really want to change for anyone or anything. I guess, if it doesn't work, I will go elsewhere.
There is a certain line I just cannot cross, and that is not being true to who I am. It's hard enough to follow hard core rules, but then when it comes down to personal stuff, in your daily life, sometimes there is just no compromise.
The work that I do does require a certain amount of being "on", but honestly, for the most part, that comes real easy. I don't feel like I have to turn a switch on at all, it' just me.......
I remember 2 years back when my mom had just passed, and I came back to work. That was the ONLY time, I could not control the smile, the chatter, the this, and the that. My body took on some new thing that I wasn't aware of, and I just went with it. It was real, so I didn't care much, but it was different.
It was a whole new language for a period of time, to allow myself to just be, with what was happening, and to be vulnerable enough to sometimes say, "I'm sorry, I know I am not the Gabriela that you are used to everyday, but Mom just passed and......well......... tears would automatically come, and it was for sure, a new language for myself, to be true, not fake, because why...... but to be real, in my regular everyday setting, and to allow human nature to surface, and wow, people were very, very supportive. Some of my most beautiful relations are with those who were there for me, customers, when my mom passed.
I reflected on the last few days with my employees. Several of them.
I think all of you know that I am pretty much based in emotion........ and if you haven't figured that out yet, you will tonight.
I have this position, as Manager, and it is good.
Things in the last year have geared me toward extreme boundaries, given, on my end, and too, received on my end. Both very well understood, and both, I have to say, very, very difficult.
I don't really enjoy either end, to be honest.
I am close with all of my employees.
Most are like children, some kindred spirits, and some, I have to say, are there for specific reasons, and have been yanked from a previous life, to finish up some stuff that wasn't quite done, and now..........the chance............. seriously.
There are many employees, and to be honest, one of the main reasons I love going to work is for them.
The role of Manager is there, but on both parts, without words or explanation, there is a huge understanding that there is a connection, and it is beyond sweet.
I am the recipient of many childhood stories, school troubles, relationship troubles, abuse, neglect, friendship troubles, family stuff, and too, work related things that are troublesome, really, just the interaction with people, in general, and how it has or has not worked for these souls.
They come to me, tell me what is happening, because they feel comfortable, which to me is gold!!
I know what it is like to not have anyone that understands you. You find that one person, and all of a sudden there are hard core boundaries that go along with it. It hurts me greatly!!!!
It hurts me to not be able to be there for them in the way that I would like.
In another sense, I see how there could be innumerable people who would "need me" in this capacity and somehow you need to put a cap on it, or be distant enough to give them what you can, but know deep inside that you are not their mother, or guardian. I know that what I can do, is give them the utmost love, from a genuine place, and hope that they will be OK, and maybe someday my words or thoughts or comfort, came in handy or helped them to evolve in some way.
I cannot help but to think of a special friend who has helped me so greatly in my life within the last year.
I am not sure if they feel this way, but what I do know is that it takes a lot to take on someone else's life, and to take it into your hands, in a real, and conducive way! Wow, what a task.
Kudos to you and all that is involved with that! Phew!! It is a lot, and takes a big person to be able to separate your emotions.
I come home after work and once I am settled into my own abode, I meld into myself, my own reality, my own everything, and it seems as if my life is so, so different from that of which I live everyday, hours upon hours.
Don't get me wrong, I am myself, but there are so many different elements that come into play, and it is so busy. When I return home, the buzi.....ness......wears off and I am back home to myself, the naked raw self that can do or be or have whatever she wants.
It's funny kind of, to see what I continue to choose over and over again, as what I love.
Once in awhile I go through the should"s and shouldn'ts but for the most part, I am dead on with what I want, and how I want my time spent. It blows people away, especially with how they see my personality.
Such is the title, "KINDA LIVING TWO LIVES".
I am not pretending, by all means. I am both people, and all traits I have mentioned. But, when I return home, there is a very specific energy, very focused way, that is, really just me, but I think if my co-workers were to spend an evening with me, they wouldn't really know what to do with "This Gabby".
I had one "coworker" over the other night for an incredible dinner.
I never invite people over, only because, (not to sound pompous), there aren't many people I want to spend that much time with).
We went shopping for a menu we had planned, spent the day shopping, came home, and we both were in our element, cooking, loving food, getting excited about the new recipes, the why's the how's, the good wine we chose to go with the food, the perfect music, the fire, the dim lights, and the whole picture. We meshed together as if this was what we were supposed to be doing. It was so god darn awesome. Just an intertwining that fit, so perfectly.
This, by all means, was NOT a romantic interlude. On the contrary, it was two people so passionate about food, about pure friends, and just enjoying life and it's subtle gems that we get to eat, explore, and too, the enormity of human nature, and what it has to offer! The layers run deep. Dinner, never is ......dinner! Wine is never just "wine".
You connect on a level that erases all thought or labels!
Shoot. This is my own personal experience................ my friend could be sayin, "Great Calamari Gabriela", and end of story, who knows??
I don't think so, but, hay, I never want to speak for anyone else.
For me, I am like a sensitizer. Nothing passes by me without some kind of filter. A filter to check out the why's the how's and how it affects you during the process.
On my end...........I do live two lives.
My work scenario lets my home life in ... in small doses, which is good, and then, it all could use some good infusion of it to a great degree, to get people to come together more, to participate, and to forget about what issues they have, and hold hands with one another in the process.
It's a crazy ride.........one that I have obviously been willing to ride.
People are truly awesome.
I love my employees who are just starting out in life, and are relating to me in the most raw and organic ways.
I will never negate their experiences, nor will I ever forget who they are!
~
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