SQUEEZING IN QUALITY TIME......

I just realized something as I continued to type in the rest of the letters to the title of my blog.

What quality time to us is, the perfect picture, of maybe being quite, alone, (at least for me), in nature, observing nature, life, having quiet time to contemplate what it is that I feel, getting objective on things, so to not be caught up in the roller coaster of life, and to be able to march forward with some clarity, and a consciousness that keeps you in high regard for yourself, your soul, and your applications in life.

It dawned on me that maybe it isn't the perfect picture that is supposed to do it for me. Maybe my learning IS IN the hustle and bustle, the "no moments to spare", and that my learning curves are amped up maybe a little bit more than I would like, but in it, is the gold, that keeps me so utterly awake, in every moment, and so grateful for every last situation that has left me speechless, literally!

My thoughts sway from time to time, thinking that it just doesn't have to be this way, and I feel that inside, and we do, without a doubt have control over our own destinies, but in the meantime, for us who are still learning to master that plan, we can embrace all of these moments and learn to not want anything else, as the proverbial, "Grass is greener on the other side", motto.

I have some beautiful, beautiful lessons before me, and it hasn't been easy, but nevertheless, I am stronger within, have a better sense of who I am, and who I want to become, more and more everyday.

The details, I think will work themselves out, although, I do think that with some precise thinking on my part, I can map out exactly what I want, and achieve it. I don't know myself to NOT GET WHAT I WANT.

At this point and time, I do have to get specific. It always is geared toward a very secluded life, which excites me, and then there is the part that says, " Hmmm, I know my feisty personality, it will have to have some one to bounce my craziness off of". My unedited humor, thoughts and individual perspectives need some sort of expression.

It is so hard to find quality time to get down to the bare bones about what it really is that I want, or at least narrow things down and make some sort of plan.

Work takes up a lot of time.

With daily living, it becomes the "rat on the wheel", which I hate to categorize myself in.

It bugs me everyday, and I cannot sleep, wondering how I will successfully weave my way outside of a world that is so "concrete", so robotic with what should happen.

In some odd way, I wish I were that simple, as to want to go to work, come home, watch some TV, and go to bed.

I go to bed with a burning desire to know so many things. To go deeper into realms that I have uncovered in my life. Once that has been uncovered, there is no turning back for me.

It's like tasting the sweetest dessert, and never finding it again.

You go from shop to shop, tasting all kinds of sweets, and you just cannot find that one flavor that knocked your socks off.

I am quietly determined to get to where I want to be, and it has been a very lonely ride. That is not to feel any kind of sorrow or sadness for me at all. It is just that with my train of thought, there is a deep requirement from me.

In all of my alone time, I have swerved from deep human regular experiences, to the sublime, where I just wish I would not have to return, and maybe if I did, it would be to be of some service, quietly, but to make some kind of difference in the world.

How, though, to get so precise, clear, and productive in a regular world that requires so much of your time, and bills, and responsibilities...........the list goes on.

Hay, look, I'm not looking to be the loner, saint who is homeless, and wants a badge for helping others, by all means.

I honestly think there is a calling, and I haven't quite found it, but am swimming so strong to get there, wherever "there" is.

Like I said, maybe "there", is HERE. Doing what I am doing, and being a regular kind of person, that is interacting with the people that I do, everyday.

I cannot negate those experiences, they are bold, deep, and individual, amongst a regular work day.

Sometimes I come home and say, "Maybe my idea of things is all wrong". Maybe the teachings for me and others is in just being me, in a regular atmosphere, but staying strong and centered inside, with the love and truth that I know to be real and alive.

I can cry thinking of the heights that it takes me, and then, I think, I need something else.

Maybe I am just good where I am, and it is just that simple!!

Maybe I negate my daily life, thinking I need some intense happening.

I really do love my life, it's just that I am so passionate I could scream.

Where, then, is the outlet, and..................THE TIME!

I don't want to squeeze in quality time!

I feel good by myself, figuring out who I am, and how I want to mold my life, according to my own personal beliefs, not what others want me to be, for them.

I don't really miss anyone in my life, just the ones who have some kind of burning question, or conversation that can relate to getting to the deeper core of who we are and what exactly we are here for.

It certainly isn't for making a million bucks, having a nice car, and coming home for a nice Filet Mignon and great bottle of wine............. Got all that, minus the millions..............

Who cares? Really!

"Come to me with Nothin", I say. Just come open, and with something to say.

I could care less about anything else.

It really is, all ..........irrelevant.

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