THE GRASS ISN'T REALLY GREENER...... IT'S NOT!

If you are thinking that your life will be better ONCE.......this or that happens, you are sadly mistaken. I guess that makes me opinionated. Yes, I guess so! But I have always believed it to be true.

Well, not really. For a long time I believed that if I made X amount of money, it would make me happy. 

Well X came, and it satisfied the little girl who grew up poor and wanted "things". Well, I got the beautiful custom built home, the booming business, the BMW sports car and SUV. Traveling around the world, clothes like I had never had, buying my friends whatever they needed, or wanted, giving to my favorite charities, and doing some amazing work personally that I could never trade for the world.

Well, I got to that other side that I thought would finally keep me at peace. 

It worried me even more that I would not be able to maintain that income. To be able to manifest things like I did, and lose everything I worked so hard for. 

Well, that time finally came. 

I lost that income, my cars, my house and everything I had worked, blood, sweat and tears for.

My world changed and my perspective had to change in a big way.

It was super humbling, and to this day, still is!

I stay alone for the most part. 

I have alot on my plate, and I do not complain. I just realize what I have created and am trying to adjust, neutralize, and balance and mold my life to the way I really want to see it. 

I'm always a work in progress.

I truly am not looking to be a millionaire, it's really not appealing to me, nor do I want to be struggling everyday to pay my bills.

I have my own personal goals, and they are simple, pretty humble and do-able. 

I am trying to live in the moment with WHAT IS, rather than fighting reality. 

I have had to get pretty specific with my life and my time and how it is spent,

for spiritual reasons, for sanity purposes, and to let the "voice" from within reveal itself to me.

I cannot have too much noise at all. Really, I cannot hear myself, or any other words of wisdom coming through with a bunch of music, noise and chatter. I've dwindled down my talk time, my time in general with people and things. It works for me and my lifestyle, and how that makes or breaks my days.

I'm learning to be good and HAPPY with whatever IS. If somehow I left this plane tomorrow, I would feel in my heart that I lived every day of my life in happiness. I have my animals and my spiritual connection that has kept me in line and in LOVE. But that is my daily choice. To be happy with WHAT IS rather than waiting until that perfect moment when I am on the beach, or in another city, or making more money or, this or that. 

My life is not perfect, but in all of it's imperfections, I am so in love.

I'm grateful for my breath, for the ability to love, to give, to receive, to help friends, to accept help, to love on my animals and make them top priority because they are, and to know that I always have room to learn and grow. I learn something everyday in how I can change and be better, how to love more, and be less of "myself". 

I feel so utterly grateful for my life and what it consists of in this moment, not wanting anything more, or anything less. Enjoying my moments.......my tiny, tiny, moments that make my life so worthwhile.

Thank you for everyone who is in my life that makes it so special and allows me to give AND to receive, in the most glorious ways.

~

PONY UP

It seems that the name of the game is looking at all of our stuff, whether it be bills, work, responsibilities, deadlines, taking care of the house, the animals, eating healthy, taking care of our bodies, keeping up with friends, making sure you are not absent, but present with their world, instead of being so consumed with our world.
It is a balance from hell!
I don't really mean that like it sounds, but I know for me, from the moment I wake up, it is my responsibility to CONNECT before I even get out of bed, to make sure my mind set is in tact, to deal with what is ahead for the day. I never know, really, what that will look like.
I do know that there is a lot on my plate, like so many others, and all of us are finding our way to make it work, to smile along the way, amongst it all, and to make it good in our heads and in our hearts.
It's different for all of us.
I know so many friends who are not waiting for that"perfect" time, when all is paid, all is in perfect order, to be happy.
I know, and feel fine to say that my life is not in perfect order. I have bills, I'd like to make more money to pay off my debt, I would like to buy presents for my friends. I LOVE buying fun things for friends because I can and want to. That is a huge fun thing for me. It's like going to the Jersey Shore and playing Skeeball. ( I am a winner at skeeball) and getting a huge stuffed animal because you kicked ass at skeeball.
Kinda.
Yes, I love to give gifts because people have been good to me. If I don't have the means, then I cook. I give food because I can and want to. I'm Italian hello?
I feel like I am playing Russian Roulette these days with my life.
Trying to zone in on what I really want, how my animals will be safe, and how, at this time in my life, things can get just a bit more simple, but not compromising myself or my passions.
It's like a puzzle.
I always say, "think outside of the box" because things aren't so readily available like we would like.
I have to be so creative with my goals, my desires and everything else that is in my life, with the situation at hand, for the moment.
It's not easy, but my solace is this..............
THE MOMENT.
Every single moment reveals my next moment.
I can plan all I want but life throws curve balls that I have got to be prepared for.
Plan A may not work and even plan B could falter, so I have to be on my toes.
It's just me here and I don't really have time to miss a beat.
It is a huge responsibility but one I am willing 100% to work with to stay at a peace and a calm.
I watch myself.
I have figured out routines for each and every situation that occurs, whether it be a dog fight to SURPRISE SURPRISE 5 little piggies, to this that and the other thing living on a farm and just living life.........regular life.
I like my routine, and my animals respond to routine.
I think of my Mom, yet again.
Nothing was perfect, by all means, but there was a routine.There was LOVE, and there was a willingness to see things through.
That's all, really.
The moments will reveal what needs to happen next.
I pony up to my responsibilities and want to stay clean and honest on my journey.
I do believe in Karma.
You get what you give.
More to that, but for another blog.
I am grateful for my decisions, the ability to have freedom of choice, and to be able to have the consciousness to change again and again.
I never want to stop growing.
I feel extremely humble tonight.
I wish I could convey this to my momma.
She would partake, so graciously, in this conversation.
I think maybe she can hear, or see......still not sure how I feel about that.
What I do know is that my heart... my deep, deep heart continues to perplex me and soothe me at the same time. It is the Mystery that I am so drawn to and continuously trying to find ways understand it all.
It will more than likely be my mission in life.
I don't think I will ever be satisfied.
My work continues................................ ~

COMPASSION FOR ALL THINGS

For all of you who know me, you know that my life is devoted to each and every pet that I have. Not only MY pets, but any last one that I can help.
It's overwhelming to me, but at the same time, little steps help, and make a total difference in the lives of these creatures that make our lives so alive and full.
I felt no different when I made my trek to Africa to make a difference and found myself a new person. I was catapulted into another realm, where there was no "me" and although it seemed overwhelming to help these villages, to get uniforms for school, utensils, food, netting for their "homes" in the dirt, to keep the mosquito's away, to go to the grocery store and buy what we take for total granted, like sugar, salt, flour, soap and water.
Their are people and animals all over, you name it, that need our help.
It's not like you have to take on some huge project. In my brain, with a lot of things, you don't look at the entire picture to start off because it will scare  you to death and you won't make any kind of move toward change.
I tell my personal training clients and clients who are on diets and nutrition programs the very same thing.
Start by taking one moment at a time. If you look at the bigger picture the whole time you will be overwhelmed to the point of not doing a damn thing because it is just too, too much to digest.
NO!
One little step at a time.
A few years ago I adopted a 5 week old piglet.
I did some research, but for the most part I have been indoctrinated into "Piglethood".
To make a long story short, I have become so involved and devoted to the care and love for these animals that get thrown to the way side, as "just a pig", and generally everyone gets one to put on their spit and sit around and have a beer while watching this beautiful creature turn and turn burning on a fire.
I say this, but I will tell you. I grew up in an old school Italian family that every Sunday, we had a huge pot of sauce with sausage, meatballs and yes......... PIGS FEET!
It was all of our favorite with a bowl of pasta, are you kidding?
Never in a million years did I think I would ever have pigs as pets.
When I was a child growing up in Caanon Connecticut, we lived across from a farm. Everyday I would go visit my friends, especially my pig friend who I laughed at so hard because she would lick my hand with her "sand paper" tongue and it would tickle me like nothing other. There were all kinds of farm animals and it was my solice!
One night Dad woke up totally alarmed. We all woke up only to see the complete farm totally on fire. All of my precious friends were not there anymore. I was completely devastated.
That isn't the reason for me writing.
My reason for writing is that every creature on this earth needs and deserves a full and lovely life.
Not to be put in cages, to be shot up with drugs and to be confined to areas that are just not acceptable for anyone.
I have had the glorious experience of bringing up a little piglet from 5 weeks old.
She slept with me, she had classical music playing 24/7, has had a better diet with fruits, vegetables and grains than most of us.
I have studied her since then.
I have been in a complete state of awe at these "pigs" that we think are just there for meat.
I cannot express how loving, intelligent and sensitive these beings are.
I feel that is such a lack of expression.
Everyone says, "Yeah, I hear pigs are really smart". Well, yes they are, but more than that, they are like YOU AND ME.
If you sit and study these beings they are like us on every level.
So now my "little girl" has had 5 beautiful piglets. The runt left at one week.
I still have four.
My mother instincts have kicked in big time and I am more than happy to accommodate and do what is needed.
I want to make you aware of the cruelty with gestation crates.
There is a growing national and international recognition of the inherent cruelty of confining breeding pigs in gestation crates. Metal stalls so small the animals are unable to lie down, turn around or even walk for their entire lives!!! In such intensive confinement without mental or physical stimulation, these sensitive ,social, and intelligent animals suffer extreme physical and physycological distress. As a result this needlessly inhumane factory farming practice has been banned throughout the entire European union, New Zealand and the State of Florida, Arizona, Oregon, Washington, California, Maine, Michigan, Colorado, and Ohio.
Grocery store "giants" like Costco, Kroger and Safeway condone confining pigs in crates barely  larger than their bodies by continuing to purchase and sell pork from factory farms that confine pigs in gestation crates, including Iowa select farms.
Please help me in the smallest of ways, to help these sweet babies to live a normal life where they can graze, and live a life like" Fido" your dog, that you would do anything for.
Please urge your grocery store that you frequent,  to phase out the use of gestation crates, something Whole Foods, Chipotle, and other major food providers have already done.
You don't have to have a piglet to have compassion.
Please, at least in your spare time will you investigate what I am trying to relay. I'm not telling you to do one thing or the other, just to consider and contemplate.
Also please join me in MFA. Mercy for Animals. Help me to SPEAK OUT FOR PIGS.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Gabriela, Idgy and the 4 babies that give us hope and love. xxxooo

AS LONG AS THERE IS LOVE......

Growing up I kinda hung in there like a trooper because a lot was always going on.

My mom raised 5 kids by herself.

To this day I just cannot phathom how she did it, and then times like now, although I do not have "people children", I have animals children, I get it!!! I SO GET IT! 

When you take on certain responsibilities you then own them. They are yours, unless you decide you just want to ditch out because you just can't handle it, or you don't have the money or the means, or whatever would make you decide that it's just not worth it.

My mom went to the edge of edges to care for us kids, to cloth us, to feed us, to make sure we were happy. We may not have had the newest, latest and greatest things, but I tell you now, in retrospect, we had SO MUCH! 

I think about how I would cringe with hand me down clothes, and shoes. HELL, I HAD CLOTHES AND SHOES! Many kids didn't even have that.

What I will say to the day I die is, " There is one thing I was never short of, and that is LOVE!"

My mother worked 3 jobs, cooked for us, we had fun take out foods, we had fun little surprises as gifts, silly but fun things, we had beautiful homemade Italian meals that you would pay top dollar for in restaurants these days. We had her singing to us, laying with us in bed and talking like friends, I had her showing up at my softball games, sitting in the bleachers cheering me on, being the mom who volunteered at the concession stand handing out hot dogs and soft pretzels.

I had someone that went to great lengths to try to make sure I was happy, fed well, and loved on.

These three things are what I live my life by.

Although I do not have "people children", I have my farm animals and my dogs that I feel that same amount of devotion to.

Whether it be a child or an animal, they all look for routine, love, and of course food.

In my heritage, food equals LOVE, so I have preened my animals to the same.

It's a ritual, like waking up and having coffee, or winding down and having wine.

As long as there is a genuine love, there is a response that takes away all expression, all words, because it is THAT priceless.

That is what my days are like.

I may not be rich, or have this or that, but my home is beautiful, I am warm, safe, have wonderful food, have transportation, and luxuries beyond belief.

I feel utterly grateful for my life, for my animals that are a pain in the ass sometimes, but what isn't? I would not give them up for anything, they truly give me life!

They help me deal with life's crap. To be able to stay neutral and centered in some crazy times.

A lot of people wish for money, and yes, I agree. Money makes things easier, but when I was making a ton of money the grass was not really greener. It really wasn't!! 

I believe there is a balance but the key for me is........... AS LONG AS THERE IS LOVE, I can deal with anything that comes my way, and if somehow I can't, I have friends who share that LOVE that I am talking about, to remind me of what is real, and what is not.

I thank my beautiful mother for bestowing the most real love to me. Not just a mothers love, but a simple love that spreads to each and every one of us. 

That beautiful woman touched so many souls in this life. I was not surprised at her funeral how many people showed up, like a full on concert. 

You could see it in their eyes, and then to boot, the words, the expressions, of how they were affected not by my Mother, but by LOVE, itself.

This is what I have learned, and adopted, and have integrated into my life.

AS LONG AS THERE IS LOVE.......... everything will be OK.

I feel utterly grateful for love in general. For without it, I would be a zombie, some dead soul out there continuously searching for something or another. ~

DEVOTION

This word seems to denote an idea to a lot of people.
Some it would be a spiritual devotion. Some devotion is just being devoted to someone, or something.
To me devotion is all encompassing.
If you are devoted to someone or something, you are DEVOTED. No matter what it is.
Since I was a child I found myself always devoted to one thing or another, and I stuck with it, no matter what it was. A person, an art, a sport, a belief, or my "idea" of what I thought life was, and I executed that devotion in a myriad of ways. Personally, and outwardly.
Outwardly it seemed awkward as a kid. Kids and young adults are "supposed" to do this, that, and the other thing, and I was always devoted to my inner thoughts, ideas, and what I knew inside to be my own personal truth.
Back then it was extremely difficult, just because a lot of my ideas were not the "norm". At least not in New Jersey, or just at that point and time, with the mind set of where young people were.
I remember feeling so out of place at parties that my boyfriend would have at his house, or when friends would get together in our apartment complex and do their "fun" things, it would just keep me perplexed, and leave me feeling so alone and different.
Don't get me wrong, I did all kinds of stuff then, had a blast and laughed my ass off. But all in all, I knew at an early age that there was something for me that was very different. Something outside of what was happening.
I had my own room growing up for awhile. My mom let me do whatever the heck I wanted in that room.
I look back and think WOW! It's like me now.
My room was just so. Even my stuffed animals were placed on my bed in such a way that it was like art. My dresser was really no different than mine now. An altar of everything and everyone that I love, from people, to pine cones, to stones, to leaves from the trees, to cool wood that I would find on my treks in the woods.
DEVOTION.
It is what  your heart gravitates toward and stands by without a shadow of a doubt.
It is what gives you hope, and life inside.
My spirituality has always been my devotion.
I don't put that in a "religious" box.
My spirituality equals nature, my animals, my loved ones, and that sacred spot inside of me that no one can ever touch. It is the only thing that cannot be taken away from me, which keeps me in line when life presents me with situations that either take things from me or that I have created a situation where those things have been taken away. It is a loss to some degree, but not really.
When all is said and done, I would be happy with my own thoughts, my glorious experience here, and the ultimate gratitude that I was given the chance to be here, on this earth, experiencing so much, from hardship to glory.
It is a wild ride, and I would not trade it for the world.
Today I "chatted" through FB with my very first lover. It's been 30 years.
It changed my day.
The memories, the hardships, the experience of a 17 year old dealing with a stack of things and taking on a family of four that I have never forgotten to this day.
Recently they have gotten in touch with me through FB.
The kids, that I felt were my kids at the time, are all grown, have children, beautiful homes and lives.
I was a mere child myself.
Life is a total adventure, like a ride in a boat, floating down an unknown river.
You never know what to expect or how to act in the moment.
Tears flow from these eyes to feel the time, the experience and the constant letting go of the past.
I've learned so much and although things have been tough, I embrace everything and I wouldn't change a thing.
I never thought I would say that but it really is true1
I feel as if my soul has expanded to a degree that I would never in a million years imagine.
Maybe this is what it is like to grow older and more wise, I don't know.
What I am devoted to is my practice.
My practice is to love unconditionally.
To forgive, no matter the circumstance.
To stay silent, more than not, to hear that subtle "voice" inside that guides me and lets me know the next turn.
To meditate deeply on my purpose here and to execute that in the best way  possible.
To help, to serve my fellow friends, strangers, and of course animals of all kind.
It seems like a lot but really, when the silence kicks in, it's like riding a bike.
Once you get on, the ride is so easy and you enjoy the heck out of it.
There is not a care in the world then, right? Are you with me?
Paint your own scenario.
DEVOTION.
I am devoted to LOVE in this life, and that shows up in a million ways.
For me, devotion takes a lot of quiet time and paving ways that don't always seem "right".
I just keep trekking on, in my own way, and if it feels good to me, in my heart, I know I'm good.
I am extremely grateful for all of the love and DEVOTION that comes to me in the way of friends and lovers who think that their "small" acts of kindness, to me, and for me, are nothing.
This, to me, is DEVOTION, and love in the way that I understand the most.
I appreciate you all and love you all from the bottom of my heart.
I hope to be all of that and more for you.
Now and always~
Gabriela ( Joni, to some ;) )

I REALIZE THE LUXURY OF MY FREEDOM

When I was a child, the Fourth of July was always a huge event. Major food, cooking out on the grill, lots of people, fire works, people drinking and hootin' and hollerin'. To me, I laugh now, because it's like being Italian, ANY EXCUSE to hoot and holler, EAT GREAT FOOD, and gather!

Today I woke up feeling so grateful. I layed in bed grateful that I have the choice to wake up or not. To lay in bed or not. To get up and greet the day or not. It's that kind of FREEDOM. Those things that could so easily be taken for granted.

I layed in bed and stared at the ceiling fan. I looked out of my window. Felt my surroundings and felt, again, grateful that I have the FREEDOM to make choices.

My life, like every one elses has it's ups and downs, but comparatively speaking, my life is a "pitiful luxury".

I say pitiful because I can get caught up in my daily life and what that equals, but I am certainly not closed off to others lives, what they are going through, and bigger, the world at large. Catastrophe's,  third world issues. Issues in our back yard, the next state......the list goes on.

I may not keep tabs on all that is happening everyday, and that is a personal choice. When it comes to these things people get pretty opinionated. Touche'. Such is my reasoning for my distance from the media. 

I'm not looking to live under a rock, or not stay apprised of what is happening in the world but it becomes personal and specific and I could care less, really, if someone agrees with my way or not. 

I'm becoming more and more LESS tolerant of opinions. 

It's just a THOUGHT. 

Whether it be yours or mine. Now go on about your day, and so will I.

Today was spent quiet, like I love.

Time to contemplate, digest, and get to neutral ground.

I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my freedom of:

Speech

Expression

love

ability to go to and from

walk down the road comfortably

work

make money

pay bills

live comfortably

have food

shelter

people who love and care about my welfare

the right to get married to whoever I feel like marrying

the ability to care and love for animals who are in need and whom are not

to care for the elderly who I gravitate towards like honey to the bee

to vote

for this blog........... this crazy blog that I started because I've been a writer since the day I was born, I think. 

For me to be able to express is the BIGGEST FREEDOM EVER. 

It's the one thing that taken from me would be the death of me.

I don't look for accolades, by any means.

To know I am able to write these lines, soothes my soul, to a degree that will satiate me for years to come.

Nothing has to come of it, but to know that I could have the FREEDOM to express this little soul, in this short span of a life, makes it all worth while.

I shoot from the hip when I write, so I am sure my mind will say I failed in my expression of how today felt for me.

It doesn't matter. 

Everyday feels short of my love and how that will be expressed in this vast and complex world.

I am utterly grateful for my life, for all of you, and for my amazing experiences that this life has allowed me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Happy FREEDOM day!

~