PONY UP

It seems that the name of the game is looking at all of our stuff, whether it be bills, work, responsibilities, deadlines, taking care of the house, the animals, eating healthy, taking care of our bodies, keeping up with friends, making sure you are not absent, but present with their world, instead of being so consumed with our world.
It is a balance from hell!
I don't really mean that like it sounds, but I know for me, from the moment I wake up, it is my responsibility to CONNECT before I even get out of bed, to make sure my mind set is in tact, to deal with what is ahead for the day. I never know, really, what that will look like.
I do know that there is a lot on my plate, like so many others, and all of us are finding our way to make it work, to smile along the way, amongst it all, and to make it good in our heads and in our hearts.
It's different for all of us.
I know so many friends who are not waiting for that"perfect" time, when all is paid, all is in perfect order, to be happy.
I know, and feel fine to say that my life is not in perfect order. I have bills, I'd like to make more money to pay off my debt, I would like to buy presents for my friends. I LOVE buying fun things for friends because I can and want to. That is a huge fun thing for me. It's like going to the Jersey Shore and playing Skeeball. ( I am a winner at skeeball) and getting a huge stuffed animal because you kicked ass at skeeball.
Kinda.
Yes, I love to give gifts because people have been good to me. If I don't have the means, then I cook. I give food because I can and want to. I'm Italian hello?
I feel like I am playing Russian Roulette these days with my life.
Trying to zone in on what I really want, how my animals will be safe, and how, at this time in my life, things can get just a bit more simple, but not compromising myself or my passions.
It's like a puzzle.
I always say, "think outside of the box" because things aren't so readily available like we would like.
I have to be so creative with my goals, my desires and everything else that is in my life, with the situation at hand, for the moment.
It's not easy, but my solace is this..............
THE MOMENT.
Every single moment reveals my next moment.
I can plan all I want but life throws curve balls that I have got to be prepared for.
Plan A may not work and even plan B could falter, so I have to be on my toes.
It's just me here and I don't really have time to miss a beat.
It is a huge responsibility but one I am willing 100% to work with to stay at a peace and a calm.
I watch myself.
I have figured out routines for each and every situation that occurs, whether it be a dog fight to SURPRISE SURPRISE 5 little piggies, to this that and the other thing living on a farm and just living life.........regular life.
I like my routine, and my animals respond to routine.
I think of my Mom, yet again.
Nothing was perfect, by all means, but there was a routine.There was LOVE, and there was a willingness to see things through.
That's all, really.
The moments will reveal what needs to happen next.
I pony up to my responsibilities and want to stay clean and honest on my journey.
I do believe in Karma.
You get what you give.
More to that, but for another blog.
I am grateful for my decisions, the ability to have freedom of choice, and to be able to have the consciousness to change again and again.
I never want to stop growing.
I feel extremely humble tonight.
I wish I could convey this to my momma.
She would partake, so graciously, in this conversation.
I think maybe she can hear, or see......still not sure how I feel about that.
What I do know is that my heart... my deep, deep heart continues to perplex me and soothe me at the same time. It is the Mystery that I am so drawn to and continuously trying to find ways understand it all.
It will more than likely be my mission in life.
I don't think I will ever be satisfied.
My work continues................................ ~