Today was so genuinely organic, and so incredibly full of life, that I feel like I want to bust out of my skin.
From the moment that I went into work, I did my little scan of the restaurant to see where things were at, scope out all of the ins and outs, and then, to my surprise, was my friend Fran, who lives in Fredricksburg. I literally ran across the dining room to hug her, that is how excited I was to see her. I met her at our other store, way back. She and her sister Roxy came in, and we, clicked right away. Yes, they are Italian, but that is not why, although, I do have to say........ (which is why the start of my work day was so special), people of like mind, connect, and in certain cultures and heritages, you glom onto the lingo, the language, and the LOVE, the genuine love that pours through your veins. Why? Because you are who you are, love where you come from, and share a kinship with like minded souls, who are proud of their heritage.
Fran and I talked about food, family, her sister who is going through cancer, and has been, being alone, animals, food, love for food, g......darn it.............. the love, the absolute LOVE, of our heritage, our food at our restaurant, the passion of eating it, bringing leftovers home to familia, coming back, again, and again, because, there is a love there, genuine love for our culture, our food, and the warmth that goes along with loving things in the way that we were brought up.
We talked about being in Italy, and how we hated to come home. How we could so sweetly taste the feeling of being in Italy, even though we didn't know a lick of the language, we remembered, back in time, of our family, trying to tell us how to speak the language, but were too little to care, and now could kick ourselves in the ass for not listening.
We cried telling stories of our families, the love of our heritage, and the passion that goes along with just frigin cooking food. Don't laugh. Food is in our blood. Shoot, when she came in she said, "You don't have my Lupini beans do ya?" I looked at her and I said, "Are you kidding me?" You stay right here.
I know what it is like to ask for something that you want, cuz you just can't get it anywhere else. We are an Italian market, I'm gonna get you any bean you want.
She was surprised that I had her Lupini beans. She got her Lupini beans!
I didn't even ask her what she was going to do with them............ slap me...............
Anyway guys, this is the rich stuff. The stuff that I would rather talk about than going to the nearest bar, who is dating who, what movie is playing and such.
My day and night was filled with this at work, and I have to say, I was flying high.
To be able to take care of people, share my love of my culture, give, talk about food, watch them eat food, good food at that, and leave full and satiated. I love that soooooooooooooo much! OK, so I am Italian, but you know what? Just as a person, I enjoy watching people enjoy themselves.
I am not a hard sell person who likes to sell things for money, or just for the fact that I can. I brought so many bottles of wine to tables because those wines are AMAZING and I've had them, and they are a MUST....... because they are so good. They are Italian, they have a story, they have a very specific taste, and they go with some amazing food that we make and care a whole hell of a lot about................ I do!
Obviously this is not a commercial, or some ad, (although it did sound like that), to sell our restaurant.
It does well on it's own.
I am happy to be me. Italian, without a doubt. Can I say that again? I am HAPPY FOR MY HERITAGE!! I LOVE BEING ITALIAN, I LOVE MY ROOTS, AND I LOVE OUR PASSION FOR FOOD, FOR WINE, FOR TOGETHERNESS, AND FOR LAUGHING FROM OUR GUTS.
We do laugh at ourselves a lot. We are funny...........I mean, really.......we are!
We love to love, and if we can possibly serve you, make you feel at home, drink some good wine, and relax into an atmosphere that is loving, full of life, full of laughter, and great, great food, that is so passionately made from love, we will be happy, happy campers.
By all means, let us tell a joke or two............. let us laugh at ourselves a bit, and hug you more than you feel like being hugged, and I am sure, things will be A OK for us.
It doesn't take much.
And for you? You might think it too much to be loved by an Italian, but I will tell you this.
We are kind, gentle, loving souls, who just want to feed you, make sure you are full, satiated, and , not just this, but want to know for sure, that what we cooked for you was the best you have ever had.
Most of all, we want to know that you felt loved!
I guess I will just talk about myself.
If, like tonight, you feel full, you are laughing, had a few good glasses of Montepulciano, some good dessert or gelato, and an ass kickin' espresso, than you are soooooooooooooo good to go.
If you happen to get a huge hug at the door, than you probably don't want to go to any other restaurant, but ours.............. ain't nobody doin that anywhere else...........trust me..............I do get out!
I guess I wrote tonight just wanting to say how grateful I am for liking people. Today was full of life, interaction with people and listening to what they want.
I dig that............
People aren't as bad as they seem.
It is a true art form to WANT TO LISTEN............ TO WANT TO GIVE............ACCOMMODATE............ and accept people for who they are...........Italian or not!
It was a great night for me.
I guess I have to bring myself back to reality.
Did I save on labor?
An inside comment I have to acclimate to.
It's all about balance right?
I am here for a reason.
I................am....................learning....................
and am grateful.
Today? A good, good day!
Thank you for letting me ramble about my heritage.
I needed that!
And...............maybe...............so did you???
Gnite and sweet dreams.
Dream of love,
of being around good people, good food, and wine.
If nothing else............... THAT will always be available...............pssshhh, at least the wine and food anyway..........THAT we can bank on....................
I love you!
Gabriela
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU KNOW
I love knowing when your intuition is so keen, and things are just as you feel they are. Not as you THINK, let me get that straight, because my thinking is way different than my intuition, for sure.
My intuition usually tells me what is happening, even if it doesn't show it's true colors for one reason or another. The body, to me, never tells a lie.
It is like walking into a store, or anywhere, and feeling that something isn't quite right, and it is a very specific feeling, but there is no solid evidence that would equate to your intuitive feeling, so, most times, people just pawn those feelings off, as" ahhhhhh, I'm not sure why I felt that way", and ignore it.........yet............there is an energy telling you something very, very, different.
I think that we, as a whole, are not quite caught up to the power of our intuition, and there is so much of an intelligence, wasted. I think we could be so much more productive, if we all took the time to get to know what intuition means, and how it relates in our world, and to ourselves.
We could X out so much of that second guessing, get to gettin' with our jobs, our desires, cut through the "should and shouldn'ts" and make way for better relationships, conducive relating, rather than ones we will wind up spending the next 6-10 years on, when, really, we know darn well, that was just a lusty attraction that turned to comfort, or a vulnerable moment in time that we very specifically needed, but in the long run, know that yes, it is better off just the way it is.
There are so many things that we can cut through, if we are just honest enough with ourselves, and can handle the honesty that comes along with seeing ourselves and how we relate to the outside world.
Being intuitive doesn't always mean, "Ahh, yes, this is good"............. you can be intuitive, and foresee something not so great. The idea, though, is to become good at recognizing the good, the bad, and the ugly, to be able to discern what feels a certain way, and for it to guide you in ways that are good for you, or, maybe it is just a path for learning, who knows. But, nevertheless, you know, when you know.
People sometimes shop around for people to tell them what they think, how they see things, and what they should do in certain situations, but really, THEY KNOW, DARN IT...........THEY KNOW.
I do. I can actually say that in some situations, I know what is best, and then I know what actually feels better, as opposed to doing what is "right", or listening to my intuition that tells me from the get go............."Gabriela"........... please don't do that again............ I mean.............PLEASE, IT YELLS!!
I have to adhere, I really do!
There is a situation that is happening, a good ol' pattern that rears it's ugly head time and time again, and it can seem oh so sweet and good, and then my INTUITION says............... I'll buy 10 of those red flags please!!!
And there sits Gabriela with one foot in, and one foot out................. excited at adventure, and then wary from the past.
God, this is a long subject.
Another, "To be continued"...............
A friend once said, " Just know at the first kiss"............. just don't do the first kiss.............
and all will be good"...........
Metaphorically speaking.............
The nectar is always tantalizing.............
Therein lies the homework!
Until we meet again...........
gabriela
My intuition usually tells me what is happening, even if it doesn't show it's true colors for one reason or another. The body, to me, never tells a lie.
It is like walking into a store, or anywhere, and feeling that something isn't quite right, and it is a very specific feeling, but there is no solid evidence that would equate to your intuitive feeling, so, most times, people just pawn those feelings off, as" ahhhhhh, I'm not sure why I felt that way", and ignore it.........yet............there is an energy telling you something very, very, different.
I think that we, as a whole, are not quite caught up to the power of our intuition, and there is so much of an intelligence, wasted. I think we could be so much more productive, if we all took the time to get to know what intuition means, and how it relates in our world, and to ourselves.
We could X out so much of that second guessing, get to gettin' with our jobs, our desires, cut through the "should and shouldn'ts" and make way for better relationships, conducive relating, rather than ones we will wind up spending the next 6-10 years on, when, really, we know darn well, that was just a lusty attraction that turned to comfort, or a vulnerable moment in time that we very specifically needed, but in the long run, know that yes, it is better off just the way it is.
There are so many things that we can cut through, if we are just honest enough with ourselves, and can handle the honesty that comes along with seeing ourselves and how we relate to the outside world.
Being intuitive doesn't always mean, "Ahh, yes, this is good"............. you can be intuitive, and foresee something not so great. The idea, though, is to become good at recognizing the good, the bad, and the ugly, to be able to discern what feels a certain way, and for it to guide you in ways that are good for you, or, maybe it is just a path for learning, who knows. But, nevertheless, you know, when you know.
People sometimes shop around for people to tell them what they think, how they see things, and what they should do in certain situations, but really, THEY KNOW, DARN IT...........THEY KNOW.
I do. I can actually say that in some situations, I know what is best, and then I know what actually feels better, as opposed to doing what is "right", or listening to my intuition that tells me from the get go............."Gabriela"........... please don't do that again............ I mean.............PLEASE, IT YELLS!!
I have to adhere, I really do!
There is a situation that is happening, a good ol' pattern that rears it's ugly head time and time again, and it can seem oh so sweet and good, and then my INTUITION says............... I'll buy 10 of those red flags please!!!
And there sits Gabriela with one foot in, and one foot out................. excited at adventure, and then wary from the past.
God, this is a long subject.
Another, "To be continued"...............
A friend once said, " Just know at the first kiss"............. just don't do the first kiss.............
and all will be good"...........
Metaphorically speaking.............
The nectar is always tantalizing.............
Therein lies the homework!
Until we meet again...........
gabriela
Friday, January 29, 2010
SORTING THROUGH..........
.........what is "supposed" to be, and what IS........INSIDE!
You know, when I am by myself, thinking my own thoughts, I am in such a heaven. My thoughts are very alone-ish, meaning, the things that I think of are generally done alone, paving a way, of sorts, for a different kind of life, outside of the norm that we see on a regular every day basis.
Yet, I am involved with that everyday living, and to use the little bit of time that I do have, to find out what exactly it is in that alone time that makes it so different, examine what it is that I think will work so differently, not just for me, but for the human race, the good of people, and for some higher, intellectual, meaning to this existence, something outside of ourselves that we can grasp onto, and feasibly use everyday, without seeming like weirdo's, or seeming like we are in a cult, or group, or some old ex hippie who has smoked too much pot in their lifetime.
How about just some person who wants to do good, mend deeds from the past, move forward in a world that isn't so pleasant to the heart at times, and take what is given and make it grand, from an inner view, rather than a pessimistic eye that sees how gross and grim the world can be.
There is so much to this life, but finding the key to stay grateful, to always see the beauty amongst the muck, and to stay your own complete individual, without compromising because EVERYONE ELSE THINKS A CERTAIN WAY, is a huge hurdle...........really, it is. To just be you, amongst a land of opinions??? Go ahead, I commend you, and support you whole hearted!
How to do all of that, without the should's and shouldn'ts, to stay true to ourselves, even if no one in near sight feels like you do, wants to do the things that you do, act as you do, and most things that you want to do, no one else wants to do. Wow.......... who the heck am I for traipsing along my own road??
I hear there are people that feel as I do, and, I have experienced people in my life, at one time, who did like all of the things that I like, and share how I feel, but kind of see that they spent many, many years doing that, and now, have gone the opposite extreme, and are living their lives in a very different way. That is OK.
I don't feel as austere these days. I do many things that I didn't years ago, when I did live in the should and shouldn't world. God was that like living in a straight jacket. Adhering to rules that I just didn't believe in, but adhered to them out of ignorance, but did learn, hay, this just isn't my style. Again, I was alone in leaving those ways, and went on my way, to find out just how my heart ticked, and why, and felt amazing unturning every stone, every desire, and what it all meant in my evolution.
I am very liberal, loving of people, no matter what they choose, and have no judgements on how others live. As a matter of fact, it feels good to embrace every aspect of peoples choices, why they choose it, if they feel like victims, if they don't........... what their political views are, choice of partners, why, ...... I mean the list goes on. I want to know about everyone and the why's and how's. I can't say I actually want to be that person that helps anyone in need, because that is a huge statement, with no boundaries attached........ I've been there! Those boundaries are not in solid form yet. I am a work in progress, but nonetheless, am devoted to seeing it all, blown up, and spread out for me to see in big colors.
My heart wants to help everyone, and do anything I can to help, in any way, shape or form, but life has shown me that in order for me to help in the world, I have to help me, heal whatever it is that needs to be healed, and have some sort of distance and detachment to whatever it is that I seem to want to embrace so fully, to help, or guide along.
This is huge, and I am not there, so I continue to work on myself, heal the different parts of me that need so, so much, love, and in the meantime, take my chances, and do the things that I think are OK in my book to help where it may be needed, in hopes that I won't lose myself along the way.
It would be so amazing and such a turn on to say I am leaving......... on my own, and walk into the woods and never return, but thus far, it doesn't seem to be the top notch answer for many, many reasons............most times, not to my liking.
I am like two people. One big fat socialite, who wants to make sure everyone is OK, taken care of, fed, warm, has what they need, and god, really anything that would make a person feel ultimately comfortable, and loved.
On the other hand, I love to be alone, and to drown myself in a reality that just doesn't happen outside of my kitchen door.
On my days off, it is almost like fighting a bull to get me to go out, to do something outside of what I think will satiate my hunger for something that I know I will never get, if, I don't do what I think that certain thing is.
I've been wrong, and have seen that sometimes I get just as much doing the very thing I thought would NOT give me the "goods", as when I stayed at home, doing all of the things that I know satiate that desire.
I know that was a mouthful, and maybe confusing, but the point is............... with everything considered, I think we all know what is good for us, and what makes us feel ultimately happy, OUTSIDE OF the SHOULD AND SHOULDN'TS.
I am trying to pave a very difficult road, one that is outside of the norm, and there "ain't much support" trying to pave this road. I am determined, but don't want to close my ears off to others ideas, or even opinions, about what they see, or feel, or notice about it.
I am an open book, and am so passionate about this life, and what I am painting on my canvas. It takes a lot of diligence, and mostly, self assurance and clarity, that this actually is OK, whatever it is that I am thinking, and to just go, and do, and damn, if I never try it, and just stay in fear, than how the heck will I ever know if I ever failed or succeeded??? Don't try, don't learn, right?
I'm sorting through.............
It can hurt, feel awesome, shedding skin, learning, discovering, and setting some wet concrete down, hopefully with the right formula that will set some good stuff in stone.
I would like to pave the way for something grand.......something new and refreshing, something 2010, easy to grip, easy to formulate, and comfortable to talk about over tea, not just in a temple of sorts.
God, I have so much to say..............
This is no hidden formula or secret.............
It goes back to my opinion about life, and people, and everyday life................ it carries it's weight in Gold.................. and it is...............
APPROACH IS EVERYTHING!! There is a way to reach people............... it is an art form!
When you think about that statement, you will probably come up with a million ways to apply it in your life.
Approach your life, the way you want to be approached, and what I can tell so far, is that, if I approach my life, with the amount of thought, and love, that I give out, I should be damn good for the rest of my living life.
Approach life with the utmost care and love.................and.......to yourself!
Everything I tell you, I'm telling myself.
This is a WE thing.................. no one better.
I love being a student................
and I will never stop being one!
Thank you all for being my teachers!
I love you so much, and am grateful beyond words.
Goodnight.
Gabriela
You know, when I am by myself, thinking my own thoughts, I am in such a heaven. My thoughts are very alone-ish, meaning, the things that I think of are generally done alone, paving a way, of sorts, for a different kind of life, outside of the norm that we see on a regular every day basis.
Yet, I am involved with that everyday living, and to use the little bit of time that I do have, to find out what exactly it is in that alone time that makes it so different, examine what it is that I think will work so differently, not just for me, but for the human race, the good of people, and for some higher, intellectual, meaning to this existence, something outside of ourselves that we can grasp onto, and feasibly use everyday, without seeming like weirdo's, or seeming like we are in a cult, or group, or some old ex hippie who has smoked too much pot in their lifetime.
How about just some person who wants to do good, mend deeds from the past, move forward in a world that isn't so pleasant to the heart at times, and take what is given and make it grand, from an inner view, rather than a pessimistic eye that sees how gross and grim the world can be.
There is so much to this life, but finding the key to stay grateful, to always see the beauty amongst the muck, and to stay your own complete individual, without compromising because EVERYONE ELSE THINKS A CERTAIN WAY, is a huge hurdle...........really, it is. To just be you, amongst a land of opinions??? Go ahead, I commend you, and support you whole hearted!
How to do all of that, without the should's and shouldn'ts, to stay true to ourselves, even if no one in near sight feels like you do, wants to do the things that you do, act as you do, and most things that you want to do, no one else wants to do. Wow.......... who the heck am I for traipsing along my own road??
I hear there are people that feel as I do, and, I have experienced people in my life, at one time, who did like all of the things that I like, and share how I feel, but kind of see that they spent many, many years doing that, and now, have gone the opposite extreme, and are living their lives in a very different way. That is OK.
I don't feel as austere these days. I do many things that I didn't years ago, when I did live in the should and shouldn't world. God was that like living in a straight jacket. Adhering to rules that I just didn't believe in, but adhered to them out of ignorance, but did learn, hay, this just isn't my style. Again, I was alone in leaving those ways, and went on my way, to find out just how my heart ticked, and why, and felt amazing unturning every stone, every desire, and what it all meant in my evolution.
I am very liberal, loving of people, no matter what they choose, and have no judgements on how others live. As a matter of fact, it feels good to embrace every aspect of peoples choices, why they choose it, if they feel like victims, if they don't........... what their political views are, choice of partners, why, ...... I mean the list goes on. I want to know about everyone and the why's and how's. I can't say I actually want to be that person that helps anyone in need, because that is a huge statement, with no boundaries attached........ I've been there! Those boundaries are not in solid form yet. I am a work in progress, but nonetheless, am devoted to seeing it all, blown up, and spread out for me to see in big colors.
My heart wants to help everyone, and do anything I can to help, in any way, shape or form, but life has shown me that in order for me to help in the world, I have to help me, heal whatever it is that needs to be healed, and have some sort of distance and detachment to whatever it is that I seem to want to embrace so fully, to help, or guide along.
This is huge, and I am not there, so I continue to work on myself, heal the different parts of me that need so, so much, love, and in the meantime, take my chances, and do the things that I think are OK in my book to help where it may be needed, in hopes that I won't lose myself along the way.
It would be so amazing and such a turn on to say I am leaving......... on my own, and walk into the woods and never return, but thus far, it doesn't seem to be the top notch answer for many, many reasons............most times, not to my liking.
I am like two people. One big fat socialite, who wants to make sure everyone is OK, taken care of, fed, warm, has what they need, and god, really anything that would make a person feel ultimately comfortable, and loved.
On the other hand, I love to be alone, and to drown myself in a reality that just doesn't happen outside of my kitchen door.
On my days off, it is almost like fighting a bull to get me to go out, to do something outside of what I think will satiate my hunger for something that I know I will never get, if, I don't do what I think that certain thing is.
I've been wrong, and have seen that sometimes I get just as much doing the very thing I thought would NOT give me the "goods", as when I stayed at home, doing all of the things that I know satiate that desire.
I know that was a mouthful, and maybe confusing, but the point is............... with everything considered, I think we all know what is good for us, and what makes us feel ultimately happy, OUTSIDE OF the SHOULD AND SHOULDN'TS.
I am trying to pave a very difficult road, one that is outside of the norm, and there "ain't much support" trying to pave this road. I am determined, but don't want to close my ears off to others ideas, or even opinions, about what they see, or feel, or notice about it.
I am an open book, and am so passionate about this life, and what I am painting on my canvas. It takes a lot of diligence, and mostly, self assurance and clarity, that this actually is OK, whatever it is that I am thinking, and to just go, and do, and damn, if I never try it, and just stay in fear, than how the heck will I ever know if I ever failed or succeeded??? Don't try, don't learn, right?
I'm sorting through.............
It can hurt, feel awesome, shedding skin, learning, discovering, and setting some wet concrete down, hopefully with the right formula that will set some good stuff in stone.
I would like to pave the way for something grand.......something new and refreshing, something 2010, easy to grip, easy to formulate, and comfortable to talk about over tea, not just in a temple of sorts.
God, I have so much to say..............
This is no hidden formula or secret.............
It goes back to my opinion about life, and people, and everyday life................ it carries it's weight in Gold.................. and it is...............
APPROACH IS EVERYTHING!! There is a way to reach people............... it is an art form!
When you think about that statement, you will probably come up with a million ways to apply it in your life.
Approach your life, the way you want to be approached, and what I can tell so far, is that, if I approach my life, with the amount of thought, and love, that I give out, I should be damn good for the rest of my living life.
Approach life with the utmost care and love.................and.......to yourself!
Everything I tell you, I'm telling myself.
This is a WE thing.................. no one better.
I love being a student................
and I will never stop being one!
Thank you all for being my teachers!
I love you so much, and am grateful beyond words.
Goodnight.
Gabriela
Thursday, January 28, 2010
GO BEYOND .......
your own idea of things,
and let something grand
settle in.
Take a moment
to see the difference.
There,
is one!
YOUR IDEAS
and
something
beyond
our
comprehension.
I want
the beyond
part.
It always
seems to
shake my
little world
up
and bring me
to a
place of
unnerving
reassurance.
That sounds
like an
oxy moron
and
maybe
it is
but........
the UNKNOWN
IS
UNNERVING
BUT
IT WORKS.
Tugging and screaming
go along with it
but don't mind it,
it goes away fast.
Trust in the process.
It's a crazy ride,
but someone,
someone,
has to do it!
~
and let something grand
settle in.
Take a moment
to see the difference.
There,
is one!
YOUR IDEAS
and
something
beyond
our
comprehension.
I want
the beyond
part.
It always
seems to
shake my
little world
up
and bring me
to a
place of
unnerving
reassurance.
That sounds
like an
oxy moron
and
maybe
it is
but........
the UNKNOWN
IS
UNNERVING
BUT
IT WORKS.
Tugging and screaming
go along with it
but don't mind it,
it goes away fast.
Trust in the process.
It's a crazy ride,
but someone,
someone,
has to do it!
~
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
WATCHING THE TIDES OF THE PAST........
roll in..........
I am grateful that I have been able to be objective enough to sift through a lot of old patterns, to see how they "roll in", time and time again, and too, how it can be so easy to just go with that flow, that wave, that feels so familiar, yet, we know, that tide has pretty much washed up too much debris, time and time again, and I don't really think it will change it's course of action anytime soon. After all, it is the ocean, and those tides are pretty darn big, and strong beyond belief.
You know when you were little, and you would try to jump a wave, and it would suck you in, and you would tumble around in the middle of the wave, and you would be scared, while tumbling, that you wouldn't come out of it, but soon, you would see that you made it, would try to make sense of what just happened, and try to run from the next wave, that inevitably would come again, to suck you in once more. Our hopes would be that we would run from the wave that just sucked us in, made us lose our sense of ourselves, time and space, and all you'd be focused on would be the safe shore, where you knew you could sit, and contemplate what the hell just happened.
I have found it amazingly true, that with enough diligence, in our daily lives, that we can truly sit at the shore of peace, extremely objective, not being sucked in to what things have occurred or have happened in our lives, as if we are in that tumbling wave, allowing us to feel so out of control.
The thing is, WE ARE IN CONTROL, but on the journey to that understanding we are going to tumble, and fumble, and swallow a bunch of salty water that will make us grimmas and feel horrible, and maybe make us think that we will never, ever try to jump another wave like that again. It felt THAT BAD.
I've been sitting on the shore for a little bit of time now, wondering if the waves are really what I like jumping.
Yes, they are big, and strong and scary. Who wants to feel that jumbled up? Who wants to sit on the shore and wonder what the hay just happened?
The thing is...........I know me. I'd sit on that shore, and boggle my brain, in sheer wonderment, about what it would be like to try to jump a wave that big. It would bug me to no end that I sat there, wondering, and not ever making any kind of move, to at least see, for a second, if the waves are really THAT BAD.
I never can really sit like that and just wonder.
I've been in huge life sized waves, and shoot..................no lie about it............. they threw me down, made me swallow salty water, pride, past memories, and any other thing that I defined myself as who I think I am right now, or how I see others.
I have been washed ashore with no idea of how things should or shouldn't be, with no idea of how to ride a wave, other than just not thinking about it, jumping in, and hoping that I will make it to shore, safe, and sound.
Hay, so far, I'm good.
I have a few scratches and bruises from tumbling in, but I am OK. I'm here, on shore, looking out at the ocean, with a little bit more of an ambivalence. Fear.....yes, that is there, but there is also a willingness to ride the wave again, but hopefully with a little more understanding of how to actually handle tides and waves rather than just saying, "Ahhh, I'll be OK."
I decided that it might be good to take someone who knows how to ride waves better than me, along.
Maybe they can jump in with me, hold my hand, and show me the ropes.
Too much sand in my bathing suit weighs me down anyway.
I need to feel lighter to ride those kind of waves, ya know?
I certainly don't want to pretend that I am a pro jumper. I'd like to think that I am, but I just haven't aced it yet.
I think the more I sit on the shore, and see how it is done, I can then, jump in, with a bit more knowledge on just how to tackle those huge waves.
The key? Is to just ask for help, instead of thinking you know how to ride it so well.
Humble, humble, humble............
I just want to learn, and not pretend that jumping those waves haven't scarred me. They have!! But.... those scars heal, and then you learn a different way to jump into things.
I'm just hoping the same "Lifeguard" on "duty" is still there, when I get up to try again.
~
I am grateful that I have been able to be objective enough to sift through a lot of old patterns, to see how they "roll in", time and time again, and too, how it can be so easy to just go with that flow, that wave, that feels so familiar, yet, we know, that tide has pretty much washed up too much debris, time and time again, and I don't really think it will change it's course of action anytime soon. After all, it is the ocean, and those tides are pretty darn big, and strong beyond belief.
You know when you were little, and you would try to jump a wave, and it would suck you in, and you would tumble around in the middle of the wave, and you would be scared, while tumbling, that you wouldn't come out of it, but soon, you would see that you made it, would try to make sense of what just happened, and try to run from the next wave, that inevitably would come again, to suck you in once more. Our hopes would be that we would run from the wave that just sucked us in, made us lose our sense of ourselves, time and space, and all you'd be focused on would be the safe shore, where you knew you could sit, and contemplate what the hell just happened.
I have found it amazingly true, that with enough diligence, in our daily lives, that we can truly sit at the shore of peace, extremely objective, not being sucked in to what things have occurred or have happened in our lives, as if we are in that tumbling wave, allowing us to feel so out of control.
The thing is, WE ARE IN CONTROL, but on the journey to that understanding we are going to tumble, and fumble, and swallow a bunch of salty water that will make us grimmas and feel horrible, and maybe make us think that we will never, ever try to jump another wave like that again. It felt THAT BAD.
I've been sitting on the shore for a little bit of time now, wondering if the waves are really what I like jumping.
Yes, they are big, and strong and scary. Who wants to feel that jumbled up? Who wants to sit on the shore and wonder what the hay just happened?
The thing is...........I know me. I'd sit on that shore, and boggle my brain, in sheer wonderment, about what it would be like to try to jump a wave that big. It would bug me to no end that I sat there, wondering, and not ever making any kind of move, to at least see, for a second, if the waves are really THAT BAD.
I never can really sit like that and just wonder.
I've been in huge life sized waves, and shoot..................no lie about it............. they threw me down, made me swallow salty water, pride, past memories, and any other thing that I defined myself as who I think I am right now, or how I see others.
I have been washed ashore with no idea of how things should or shouldn't be, with no idea of how to ride a wave, other than just not thinking about it, jumping in, and hoping that I will make it to shore, safe, and sound.
Hay, so far, I'm good.
I have a few scratches and bruises from tumbling in, but I am OK. I'm here, on shore, looking out at the ocean, with a little bit more of an ambivalence. Fear.....yes, that is there, but there is also a willingness to ride the wave again, but hopefully with a little more understanding of how to actually handle tides and waves rather than just saying, "Ahhh, I'll be OK."
I decided that it might be good to take someone who knows how to ride waves better than me, along.
Maybe they can jump in with me, hold my hand, and show me the ropes.
Too much sand in my bathing suit weighs me down anyway.
I need to feel lighter to ride those kind of waves, ya know?
I certainly don't want to pretend that I am a pro jumper. I'd like to think that I am, but I just haven't aced it yet.
I think the more I sit on the shore, and see how it is done, I can then, jump in, with a bit more knowledge on just how to tackle those huge waves.
The key? Is to just ask for help, instead of thinking you know how to ride it so well.
Humble, humble, humble............
I just want to learn, and not pretend that jumping those waves haven't scarred me. They have!! But.... those scars heal, and then you learn a different way to jump into things.
I'm just hoping the same "Lifeguard" on "duty" is still there, when I get up to try again.
~
Monday, January 25, 2010
DOWN TO THE BARE BONES
When life gets down to the bare bones, it means, you have choices, against popular belief.
You can choose the common way, your old way, or the way that is needed for your growth, even if it doesn't seem like it is needed in your life at the moment.
My life is sizzling with passion on so many different levels................ I could scream............ OK, so I will.............. I did, but you didn't hear it!!
I have a huge pendulum swinging, and a learning curve that is killin' me. The learning for me in the last year has been intense, real, moving, questionable, soulful, and a million other words that could describe a soul searching outside of it 's "nucleus", and what is "supposed" to be.
I am so utterly grateful for ANY AND ALL SITUATIONS that have come to me within this last year. Really........ there is nothing that I would turn away!! Someone has sent me some darn good packages for me to look at in my life, in a big way, to dissect it, and to really look at it, in a sincere, and organic way.
I have my own personal homework to do, on various subjects. It's OK.......... I want to learn about myself, and how I relate, or not relate to my own personal life, and let that be something for me to chomp on, rather than going to a late night movie.
I try to skim over life's realities, to make it feel somewhat "normal", but the Truth is, I cannot skim over any of the subtleties, it knocks just a bit too hard, on my door, at least!!!
I think it's good when we are down to the bare bones in our lives, just so that we can get a reality check on what is most important, and start taking notes from there.
Where are we? Are we happy? Are we doing what we REALLY WANT TO DO? Or are we just pretending?
I know for me, I don't want to pretend, to just drum up some kind of life that sounds good.
I want the real goods!! Something that is real, that you can look at, in the eye, and know that it is organic, real, and true.
Being down to the bare bones makes it all come to life. Blows it up and makes you see what your course is here. Just where ARE YOU GOING?
You can choose the common way, your old way, or the way that is needed for your growth, even if it doesn't seem like it is needed in your life at the moment.
My life is sizzling with passion on so many different levels................ I could scream............ OK, so I will.............. I did, but you didn't hear it!!
I have a huge pendulum swinging, and a learning curve that is killin' me. The learning for me in the last year has been intense, real, moving, questionable, soulful, and a million other words that could describe a soul searching outside of it 's "nucleus", and what is "supposed" to be.
I am so utterly grateful for ANY AND ALL SITUATIONS that have come to me within this last year. Really........ there is nothing that I would turn away!! Someone has sent me some darn good packages for me to look at in my life, in a big way, to dissect it, and to really look at it, in a sincere, and organic way.
I have my own personal homework to do, on various subjects. It's OK.......... I want to learn about myself, and how I relate, or not relate to my own personal life, and let that be something for me to chomp on, rather than going to a late night movie.
I try to skim over life's realities, to make it feel somewhat "normal", but the Truth is, I cannot skim over any of the subtleties, it knocks just a bit too hard, on my door, at least!!!
I think it's good when we are down to the bare bones in our lives, just so that we can get a reality check on what is most important, and start taking notes from there.
Where are we? Are we happy? Are we doing what we REALLY WANT TO DO? Or are we just pretending?
I know for me, I don't want to pretend, to just drum up some kind of life that sounds good.
I want the real goods!! Something that is real, that you can look at, in the eye, and know that it is organic, real, and true.
Being down to the bare bones makes it all come to life. Blows it up and makes you see what your course is here. Just where ARE YOU GOING?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
PRACTICING NON THINKING
Ya know, I think we spend so much of our darn time thinking about so many things, that sometimes it is just nice to NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING........ANYTHING AT ALL!
My thoughts are usually going a mile a minute, on every subject you can think of, and tonight, although those thoughts are all there, waiting with baited breath, I really just don't feel like trying to figure out, plot, plan, figure out this or that, or really, do much of anything for that matter.
I never usually get to be home early in the evenings, and it feels so nice to just kick back, relax, put on some pajamas and read a little, have some tea, lounge with the dogs, and not do anything. Seriously, I know that seems like something small, but in my life, down time is a luxury.
Last night for some reason, I aimed to go to bed early, and kind of made it there, but something happened where it felt as if I was flying high on 10 pots of coffee and did not sleep one minute. Really, not one. I was unnerved and had hours upon hours to think about my life, what is happening in it, where I want to go, to do, and man..............(no wonder I'm in bed tonight)......... it really threw me for a loop.
Yes, I just answered my own question of why do I just want to be brain dead tonight? haha
I know life isn't meant to be taken so seriously, but I cannot help but to think of the many ways in which I want to heal, to forgive, to accept, to understand, to fix or mend things, to get on good healthy tracks where I know in my heart of hearts that I am good, doing right for this soul, taking responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my actions, and making good use of what comes up in the midst of it all. I don't want to be afraid to challenge myself to reach bigger plateaus, in all areas of my life.
So, for this little hungry soul, I find it difficult at times to just relax, turn it all off for a bit, and to remember that it's OK to not do so much thinking.
I have been living sooooo moment to moment, in every which way for so long now, but even still, I see how I fight to find some sort of security in a solid foundation.
I never used to worry about what the next moment would be, next, day, next week, and such, and I have lost touch with that great reality. I think I have been around more people who are more prone to the opposite, which is planning for everything, that part of that rubbed off on me, which is good, in trying to find a balance and integrating the two. I don't think I'm there yet, on either side. I have been out of touch with the precision of living in the moment, (although it is kind of like riding a bike), and I have been learning how to be more pro-active in planning, and looking ahead, even if I just do it a little. That actually, is A LOT for me!
I really do think everything is about balance, not making things so black and white, (extremes), and dabbling in a bit of both worlds to find something that works where you are actually part of the world, and yet, removed enough to feel the mystery and magic of the unknown.
It is a lot to think about, which, is what I was saying earlier. God, even writing it makes me want to dig down deep and start dissecting the veils and masks of this life.
BUT, FOR TONIGHT, I am going left brain. Not so emotional, a little bit more detached, and calling it a night.
NON THINKING IS GOOD!
To be so precise in the moment, as to exactly what is happening, whether it be you eating, chewing gum, or looking into someones eyes............... DO JUST THAT..............and don't wane.
Something in that moment is bound to give you a greater treasure than if you tried to plan it perfectly!
Relax into it.
I'll see you there!
My thoughts are usually going a mile a minute, on every subject you can think of, and tonight, although those thoughts are all there, waiting with baited breath, I really just don't feel like trying to figure out, plot, plan, figure out this or that, or really, do much of anything for that matter.
I never usually get to be home early in the evenings, and it feels so nice to just kick back, relax, put on some pajamas and read a little, have some tea, lounge with the dogs, and not do anything. Seriously, I know that seems like something small, but in my life, down time is a luxury.
Last night for some reason, I aimed to go to bed early, and kind of made it there, but something happened where it felt as if I was flying high on 10 pots of coffee and did not sleep one minute. Really, not one. I was unnerved and had hours upon hours to think about my life, what is happening in it, where I want to go, to do, and man..............(no wonder I'm in bed tonight)......... it really threw me for a loop.
Yes, I just answered my own question of why do I just want to be brain dead tonight? haha
I know life isn't meant to be taken so seriously, but I cannot help but to think of the many ways in which I want to heal, to forgive, to accept, to understand, to fix or mend things, to get on good healthy tracks where I know in my heart of hearts that I am good, doing right for this soul, taking responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my actions, and making good use of what comes up in the midst of it all. I don't want to be afraid to challenge myself to reach bigger plateaus, in all areas of my life.
So, for this little hungry soul, I find it difficult at times to just relax, turn it all off for a bit, and to remember that it's OK to not do so much thinking.
I have been living sooooo moment to moment, in every which way for so long now, but even still, I see how I fight to find some sort of security in a solid foundation.
I never used to worry about what the next moment would be, next, day, next week, and such, and I have lost touch with that great reality. I think I have been around more people who are more prone to the opposite, which is planning for everything, that part of that rubbed off on me, which is good, in trying to find a balance and integrating the two. I don't think I'm there yet, on either side. I have been out of touch with the precision of living in the moment, (although it is kind of like riding a bike), and I have been learning how to be more pro-active in planning, and looking ahead, even if I just do it a little. That actually, is A LOT for me!
I really do think everything is about balance, not making things so black and white, (extremes), and dabbling in a bit of both worlds to find something that works where you are actually part of the world, and yet, removed enough to feel the mystery and magic of the unknown.
It is a lot to think about, which, is what I was saying earlier. God, even writing it makes me want to dig down deep and start dissecting the veils and masks of this life.
BUT, FOR TONIGHT, I am going left brain. Not so emotional, a little bit more detached, and calling it a night.
NON THINKING IS GOOD!
To be so precise in the moment, as to exactly what is happening, whether it be you eating, chewing gum, or looking into someones eyes............... DO JUST THAT..............and don't wane.
Something in that moment is bound to give you a greater treasure than if you tried to plan it perfectly!
Relax into it.
I'll see you there!
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