WATCHING THE TIDES OF THE PAST........

roll in..........

I am grateful that I have been able to be objective enough to sift through a lot of old patterns, to see how they "roll in", time and time again, and too, how it can be so easy to just go with that flow, that wave, that feels so familiar, yet, we know, that tide has pretty much washed up too much debris, time and time again, and I don't really think it will change it's course of action anytime soon. After all, it is the ocean, and those tides are pretty darn big, and strong beyond belief.

You know when you were little, and you would try to jump a wave, and it would suck you in, and you would tumble around in the middle of the wave, and you would be scared, while tumbling, that you wouldn't come out of it, but soon, you would see that you made it, would try to make sense of what just happened, and try to run from the next wave, that inevitably would come again, to suck you in once more. Our hopes would be that we would run from the wave that just sucked us in, made us lose our sense of ourselves, time and space, and all you'd be focused on would be the safe shore, where you knew you could sit, and contemplate what the hell just happened.

I have found it amazingly true, that with enough diligence, in our daily lives, that we can truly sit at the shore of peace, extremely objective, not being sucked in to what things have occurred or have happened in our lives, as if we are in that tumbling wave, allowing us to feel so out of control.

The thing is, WE ARE IN CONTROL, but on the journey to that understanding we are going to tumble, and fumble, and swallow a bunch of salty water that will make us grimmas and feel horrible, and maybe make us think that we will never, ever try to jump another wave like that again. It felt THAT BAD.

I've been sitting on the shore for a little bit of time now, wondering if the waves are really what I like jumping.
Yes, they are big, and strong and scary. Who wants to feel that jumbled up? Who wants to sit on the shore and wonder what the hay just happened?

The thing is...........I know me. I'd sit on that shore, and boggle my brain, in sheer wonderment, about what it would be like to try to jump a wave that big. It would bug me to no end that I sat there, wondering, and not ever making any kind of move, to at least see, for a second, if the waves are really THAT BAD.

I never can really sit like that and just wonder.

I've been in huge life sized waves, and shoot..................no lie about it............. they threw me down, made me swallow salty water, pride, past memories, and any other thing that I defined myself as who I think I am right now, or how I see others.

I have been washed ashore with no idea of how things should or shouldn't be, with no idea of how to ride a wave, other than just not thinking about it, jumping in, and hoping that I will make it to shore, safe, and sound.

Hay, so far, I'm good.

I have a few scratches and bruises from tumbling in, but I am OK. I'm here, on shore, looking out at the ocean, with a little bit more of an ambivalence. Fear.....yes, that is there, but there is also a willingness to ride the wave again, but hopefully with a little more understanding of how to actually handle tides and waves rather than just saying, "Ahhh, I'll be OK."

I decided that it might be good to take someone who knows how to ride waves better than me, along.

Maybe they can jump in with me, hold my hand, and show me the ropes.

Too much sand in my bathing suit weighs me down anyway.

I need to feel lighter to ride those kind of waves, ya know?

I certainly don't want to pretend that I am a pro jumper. I'd like to think that I am, but I just haven't aced it yet.

I think the more I sit on the shore, and see how it is done, I can then, jump in, with a bit more knowledge on just how to tackle those huge waves.

The key? Is to just ask for help, instead of thinking you know how to ride it so well.

Humble, humble, humble............

I just want to learn, and not pretend that jumping those waves haven't scarred me. They have!! But.... those scars heal, and then you learn a different way to jump into things.

I'm just hoping the same "Lifeguard" on "duty" is still there, when I get up to try again.
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