SORTING THROUGH..........

.........what is "supposed" to be, and what IS........INSIDE!

You know, when I am by myself, thinking my own thoughts, I am in such a heaven. My thoughts are very alone-ish, meaning, the things that I think of are generally done alone, paving a way, of sorts, for a different kind of life, outside of the norm that we see on a regular every day basis.
Yet, I am involved with that everyday living, and to use the little bit of time that I do have, to find out what exactly it is in that alone time that makes it so different, examine what it is that I think will work so differently, not just for me, but for the human race, the good of people, and for some higher, intellectual, meaning to this existence, something outside of ourselves that we can grasp onto, and feasibly use everyday, without seeming like weirdo's, or seeming like we are in a cult, or group, or some old ex hippie who has smoked too much pot in their lifetime.

How about just some person who wants to do good, mend deeds from the past, move forward in a world that isn't so pleasant to the heart at times, and take what is given and make it grand, from an inner view, rather than a pessimistic eye that sees how gross and grim the world can be.

There is so much to this life, but finding the key to stay grateful, to always see the beauty amongst the muck, and to stay your own complete individual, without compromising because EVERYONE ELSE THINKS A CERTAIN WAY, is a huge hurdle...........really, it is. To just be you, amongst a land of opinions??? Go ahead, I commend you, and support you whole hearted!

How to do all of that, without the should's and shouldn'ts, to stay true to ourselves, even if no one in near sight feels like you do, wants to do the things that you do, act as you do, and most things that you want to do, no one else wants to do. Wow.......... who the heck am I for traipsing along my own road??

I hear there are people that feel as I do, and, I have experienced people in my life, at one time, who did like all of the things that I like, and share how I feel, but kind of see that they spent many, many years doing that, and now, have gone the opposite extreme, and are living their lives in a very different way. That is OK.

I don't feel as austere these days. I do many things that I didn't years ago, when I did live in the should and shouldn't world. God was that like living in a straight jacket. Adhering to rules that I just didn't believe in, but adhered to them out of ignorance, but did learn, hay, this just isn't my style. Again, I was alone in leaving those ways, and went on my way, to find out just how my heart ticked, and why, and felt amazing unturning every stone, every desire, and what it all meant in my evolution.
I am very liberal, loving of people, no matter what they choose, and have no judgements on how others live. As a matter of fact, it feels good to embrace every aspect of peoples choices, why they choose it, if they feel like victims, if they don't........... what their political views are, choice of partners, why, ...... I mean the list goes on. I want to know about everyone and the why's and how's. I can't say I actually want to be that person that helps anyone in need, because that is a huge statement, with no boundaries attached........ I've been there! Those boundaries are not in solid form yet. I am a work in progress, but nonetheless, am devoted to seeing it all, blown up, and spread out for me to see in big colors.

My heart wants to help everyone, and do anything I can to help, in any way, shape or form, but life has shown me that in order for me to help in the world, I have to help me, heal whatever it is that needs to be healed, and have some sort of distance and detachment to whatever it is that I seem to want to embrace so fully, to help, or guide along.

This is huge, and I am not there, so I continue to work on myself, heal the different parts of me that need so, so much, love, and in the meantime, take my chances, and do the things that I think are OK in my book to help where it may be needed, in hopes that I won't lose myself along the way.

It would be so amazing and such a turn on to say I am leaving......... on my own, and walk into the woods and never return, but thus far, it doesn't seem to be the top notch answer for many, many reasons............most times, not to my liking.

I am like two people. One big fat socialite, who wants to make sure everyone is OK, taken care of, fed, warm, has what they need, and god, really anything that would make a person feel ultimately comfortable, and loved.

On the other hand, I love to be alone, and to drown myself in a reality that just doesn't happen outside of my kitchen door.

On my days off, it is almost like fighting a bull to get me to go out, to do something outside of what I think will satiate my hunger for something that I know I will never get, if, I don't do what I think that certain thing is.

I've been wrong, and have seen that sometimes I get just as much doing the very thing I thought would NOT give me the "goods", as when I stayed at home, doing all of the things that I know satiate that desire.

I know that was a mouthful, and maybe confusing, but the point is............... with everything considered, I think we all know what is good for us, and what makes us feel ultimately happy, OUTSIDE OF the SHOULD AND SHOULDN'TS.

I am trying to pave a very difficult road, one that is outside of the norm, and there "ain't much support" trying to pave this road. I am determined, but don't want to close my ears off to others ideas, or even opinions, about what they see, or feel, or notice about it.

I am an open book, and am so passionate about this life, and what I am painting on my canvas. It takes a lot of diligence, and mostly, self assurance and clarity, that this actually is OK, whatever it is that I am thinking, and to just go, and do, and damn, if I never try it, and just stay in fear, than how the heck will I ever know if I ever failed or succeeded??? Don't try, don't learn, right?

I'm sorting through.............

It can hurt, feel awesome, shedding skin, learning, discovering, and setting some wet concrete down, hopefully with the right formula that will set some good stuff in stone.

I would like to pave the way for something grand.......something new and refreshing, something 2010, easy to grip, easy to formulate, and comfortable to talk about over tea, not just in a temple of sorts.

God, I have so much to say..............

This is no hidden formula or secret.............

It goes back to my opinion about life, and people, and everyday life................ it carries it's weight in Gold.................. and it is...............

APPROACH IS EVERYTHING!! There is a way to reach people............... it is an art form!

When you think about that statement, you will probably come up with a million ways to apply it in your life.

Approach your life, the way you want to be approached, and what I can tell so far, is that, if I approach my life, with the amount of thought, and love, that I give out, I should be damn good for the rest of my living life.

Approach life with the utmost care and love.................and.......to yourself!

Everything I tell you, I'm telling myself.

This is a WE thing.................. no one better.

I love being a student................

and I will never stop being one!

Thank you all for being my teachers!

I love you so much, and am grateful beyond words.

Goodnight.
Gabriela