I LAY MYSELF DOWN.......

In complete Surrender, to what is, and what I  have called in, and am making the most beautiful progress, knowing, what is happening, to the T, what I have asked for, and drawn in for whatever reasons, and am  happy that I can  look at my life and take responsibility for all that is in it. The best part is that if there is something there, not to my liking, I can immediately change it, because I  have that choice.

There is nothing worse than to hear myself  complain about circumstances, while knowing, full on, that I am never the victim, and that I'd be an ass if I thought that someone else was going to change it for me!

God, it takes us so long to understand this! To take full responsibility for our exact moments. Really,  no one else is to blame, or has "control" over us, as to make or break our lives.

It is something that takes practice, amongst  practice, amongst.......practice.

Everyday there is something that I want to change. I want to keep detailing my life until it finally says, "RIGHT THE HELL ON".........YOU ARE WHERE YOU ARE BECAUSE THIS IS WANT YOU WANT...........AND............I WIND UP LOVING IT.........NOT A COMPLAINT IN SIGHT!

I have battles in my head everyday, complaints, the should, the shouldn'ts and why am I here, but never the "blues".

Well, WHY GABRIELA? WHY?

It takes all responsibility off of any one, or thing!  And then it is straight shootin' from there.

What do I need to do? It is seriously a lot of homework, to take responsibility for me, and not take any one person into account. It's funny actually, now, of course. Never, really, back then. It is some excruciating stuff. That is just real.

"The he, or she did that to me is like...yes, and so?? No matter how big or small............. we can change things up. Right now, just take the blame off! I know it is hard, but stand tall in your crap. Ughh, I know the hardship in that.

It may seem that I say that with ease, but trust me when I tell you, it has not been an "ease" to get here, to this moment in time where the objectivity remains, for the most part, solid!

I have had crying moments, questioning nights, and a plethora of other days, nights and moments that have made me question my days, my existence here and how it is all intertwined.

The good thing is.......is that Love can carry us so far. If we just keep loving beyond our thoughts, our ideas, and what we think should be, we will sail and find a peace, and a love that soars beyond belief.

As soon as you feel like you are downing someone, take it back to you. How is it that you may be that very same thing, and then find compassion in your judgement.

Really, the work is endless!

To date, I have my opinions that flail from  left to right, and I see them, and then laugh. I say, "OK, good, now let's go for a walk and see how this can be objectified". If I don't give myself that time to be objective, I am truly screwed!

It just adds up, all of those millions of moments that catch up to me, all day long.

Somewhere in my day, I have to find a pocket of time that says,"Gather all info, and process". Not from me, Gabriela, but from the source inside that knows "right, from wrong".

If I let myself, I would think that I needed my therapist 24/7. I can easily get comfortable in objective opionion. It is such a luxury to see someone to be able to spill all, and to hear objective advice, but really, the most beautiful luxury is to give my own self the time, patience, and compassion that would equal, hopefully an hour or so of a session with a therapist.

This is my life's work!

Lay yourself down at night.

Catch a glimpse of who you are outside of your work, your family, your love, and see what it is that you are searching for.

Do me a favor.

Don't ask anyone.

Just ask yourself, and don't worry how long it takes for an answer.

Just check it out!

There is "the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow".

It is in being who you are, outside of what you, or others think you need to be, and what naturally seems good, organic, or right, in your soul.

Stay true to that.

I tell you nothing different than what has worked for me. It is not any solid solution, nor am I anyone with all of the answers. I am just someone who has experienced life to the fullest, in all aspects, and will share what has, and has not, worked for this hungry, hungry soul.

In the meantime, I want to celebrate the extreme amount of love that is permeating through this being, and to jump up and celebrate life in all of it's grandeur.

C'mon already! Grab  hold of my hand. It's time to celebrate our life!

I  love you all!!

Gabriela

A MILLION WAYS TO MAKE LOVE

...and I don't mean the old fashioned, classic way, or even an erotic way, of what those words may evoke.

When I say making love, I mean nothing other than an organic love ~ making love to life, and people, and situations, as if you were courting them, as if you fell in love for the very first time.

Life has so many gorgeous  moments that warrant the same kind of passion that we would give or put forth for a night of love making with our partners. Life, in fact, to me, has much more of an eclectic allure, than that of the "date night" or passionate glow.

I don't know, call me goofy......... some things just pale in comparison and I find myself wanting love from a much more natural source, other than, going to a movie and dinner.

Life is screaming for our attention! And too, I think we need that!

I happen to think that when we set sail on our own personal journey, not wanting anything from anyone, and we just set out to explore and investigate our natural passions, we will happen upon our love, however that may show up. Shoot it may be dogs, it may be bear in the wild, it may be a lover that shares the same interest, and it may be no one.........and that would be OK for me............what about you?

What if we were to let our natural way or state of being come forth, and didn't question it. What if, use me, if it were my calling to just be with animals?

Would you think that to be crazy? Would you question it?

Now what if that same situation occurred for you? What if that calling was for you? Would you still feel the need to be with "someone" because that is what is supposed to be?

I have been to the "moon and back" as far as experiencing life, and love, and sex and so forth.

I..........am .............bored!

I  love life, and what it has to offer.

There are a  million ways to make love, and it is not based on the physical.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is OK........hahahha...........just OK, but never, ever, the icing on the cake.

I'll take the Gorilla in Africa before that. And the Crocodile, and the Elephant, and the...............  list goes  on.

Maybe I'm the goofy one.

Who knows? I don't really think so, though, to be quite honest.

In the morning, I make love to the sunrise.

I make love to my animals, to their behavior, to their existence.

I watch the water, the birds and the trees and man, if I were on drugs I'd be higher than a kite.

I'm not.

Life is full.........so full with wonderment, and an amazing view from a purity that only comes if you are willing to see it, and feel it, and know it.

Otherwise, it is just a "pretty landscape" that you will go to bed thinking,"Wow, Texas is great".

It is so not that!

Maybe I will be the "not understood artist", which would be OK with me, but for myself, will not suffice.

I am a digger.

I am so god darn  passionate, that I am coming out of my skin..........every morning, every day, and when I lay in bed at night.

It honestly isn't about a temple, or church, or making it in the business world.

It is about being OK with my thoughts, my whereabouts and what I am going to make out of my life that was so graciously given to me.

Not Your life, but mine.

Wow........ my goodnight to myself is charged.

I am so.......sooooooooooo gifted for being allowed to feel what I feel.

Thank you so much for this allowance and the opportunity to share love and too, to receive it, when it comes.

All my love,
Gabriela

IT IS NOT UP TO ME.........

I honestly do not feel like it is up to me anymore, to do, or be something for anyone, or for anything for that matter.

I am learning that just being whole in my life, making solid and conducive choices, that the things I think need to be planned, or plotted out, really need nothing at all. The only thing that I need, really, is for me to present to my life, and to all situations, and to be quiet. To just listen to that voice inside that honestly guides me in the greatest of ways.

I suppose I may come off as.....what I don't know. Like I know something. Well, I do, for  myself. That may not be the case for everyone, and that is why I love freedom of choice, and of speech. I am by all means, no ones teacher, or anything like that. I am not a therapist, I don't pretend to be anything but Gabriela, who loves to express her heart. Some think differently.

 I am you! You are me!

 We may have different lifestyles, but we, as friends here, are no different, not higher, not lower. Just people, living the lives that we know, and want to explore.

I spill my hard core guts out here. For someone that is so private, I laugh and question my own workings sometimes, but  know, that in there, is a passion to share love, in all the ways in which I feel it, and then I know, in that, I will be ok, if it were the last thing that happened for me in this world. I would have shared what is passionate, what means most to me, and  how I thought my expression would help in some way. And too, that if there was something for me to express, to anyone, anyone, who has made a mark in my evolution, you better believe that they will hear from me, that I will stand on the bleachers and chant Thank you, for being on and in, my journey, and that they have made an impression on this soul, for however that looks, and whatever that means. Everyone in my world is sacred.

I have recently been "bombarded" for lack of better words or expression, with letters from friends when I was little, and in our teens.

I  have had a huge "mouth open" feeling and it has stuck with me, and especially tonight, when I had heard from a friend that I hung out with, as kids, 24/7.

I really haven't changed much, and when I look at my little self back then, it was pretty intense, for a kid, to be doing, saying, or feeling the things that I felt, of did.

The letters that I have been receiving are, without a doubt, mind blowing and are making me think so hard core, about my life as a child, the consciousness that was already there, and how, without me really knowing on a conscious level, back then, how I was paving the way, not only for myself, but for others in a really obscure way.

I am just giving input that  I have been given in the last few years. My childhood friends that found me on Facebook, tell me about  myself and what it meant for them to be in my world. By all means, I only say this out of sorting through my own evolution here, not to think I am something....... but the information that I receive is so mind blowing, so incredibly touching, and I  try to think back to second grade, or 7th, or whenever it was that friends felt this or that and tell me the stories that affected them.

Wow. How crazy and god..... just an amazing whirl  into another space and time. I am overwhelmed with beauty and really, an expression that needs a bit of time to digest itself.

I mean, I never did feel like "the others". I knew when I was a child that my life was different, even if my outer life seemed, well........what it was.

Tonight I received an email from a friend that I spent a lot of time with. We were inseperable.

I could write a whole blog on her, and what I percieved, back then, as our relationship, and her own personal life, with her parents, and own individual "issues".

She  told me what the affects were of being my friend.

It made me stand still, really almost frozen.

I cried tonight.

She asked me for my help and prayers, once again, like it was when we were young.

I guess we really don't change much.

She is going through some changes and body stuff that is perplexing to her. She is wanting comfort outside of the fact that her Dad is a doctor. That speaks volumes to me.

She is wanting security in LOVE, not medical advice.

I could go on and on.

You know, we can go on and on intellectualizing our lives, how we think it is, and then some curve ball comes at you, and you genuinly want some simple solution, like a warm hug, to get you through, or a friend to say, it will be ok or hay, did you know that outside of those ailments, YOU ARE LOVE! I mean really, you are a love that is so grand outside of your body, or your thoughts! I know, to many this sounds airy fairy, or spiritual, or whatever it seems like.

The bottom line is............. it is Truth! A beautiful one, at that!

We are living in a time where we don't pay close attention to our bodies, and parallel that with the thoughts that go along with that, as a reprocussion, or are we, really, really paying attention to what is happening so that we can take responsability for our illness, for our daily lives, and our circumstnces?? Are we?

To me, this is my life's work!

I cried tonight getting several emails from friends back East. Friends that were tight...... friends that, back then,

meant the world to me.

This is 20 some years later.

I will jump off a cliff for all of you!

But, I say, it is NOT up to me, to decide.

There is a source that is so incredibly deep.

It speaks to me in great volumes.

It allows my intellect to come in to play, yet, celebrates the intuitiveness that is so real, to make a game plan on what needs to happen next.

I am so crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy humbled tonight.

My life seems to get more rich, more solid, when I just see things for what they are, and how, on a Universal level, it is helping all of man kind.

God, how I hate to sound so cliche', so New Age.

Take it for what it is.

My heart is pure.

I am here, for whatever I am needed as.

My heart is open.

Use me.

Please!

WHEN THE OUTER...........MEETS THE INNER!

Everyday that I wake up, I am in complete awe of my own little world. Inside, and, outside of  my environment, and all of the things that I choose to do, or not do, to keep me in this place of wonderment, to not be shot down by so many of the things that are happening outside of my vortex.

I don't pretend that these things aren't happening, I just choose to make my time very specific, and extremely curtailed, so that the outside can, in some way, catch up with what is happening on the inside for me.

I have vehemently tried to sketch my life, to date, with only the things that matter to me, that make me feel whole, happy, innocent, and Holy.

It has naturally narrowed itself down to being by myself, at home, in nature, with my animals and conjuring up ways in which to do more of the things that make me feel whole, not just here in Austin, but globally, and spiritually.

I feel like I sneak time for myself, grab things in the house that remind me of where I am, who I am, read it, post it, put it on my mirror, my altar, and anywhere that will remind me of where I want to be,  where I want to stay, and with whom!

It's almost like a convincing of sorts. To tape record in my brain, what this whole life is about so the outer doesn't swallow me up and eat me whole.

It won't now, I know this! I've got a handle on it. I am head strong in my whereabouts, and I honestly think it is just a matter of time, effort, and patience. A seeing through of some pretty grand ideas that I think, personally, will make a mark in this world.

I mean, I love talking with people and serving spaghetti and meatballs, but look at me when I see you!!!

Is that what it is all about for us, for me?

I take every bit of everything that is happening in my world as a total gift, and will always render it as such.

But, I think, no matter where I am, doing whatever it is that I am doing, I will always be that person who wants to do more, give more, and to expand beyond my limits.

I have this greatness inside that has nothing to do with anything I have formed or tried to portray. It has been there since I was a child, and it is taking 40 some years  for me to actually zone in on what the special something is, to find the detail in it, and to expound on it, and make it worthwhile here, in my short stay on this lovely planet of ours.

I am not there yet, but man, I tell you, I am ready to explode, and to give life my encapsulated form of love and service that I think can make some small, small, difference in this world.

I don't want to play any more games outside of my home life. I say "games" like, pretending to be something I am not. Even if it is 1% not me, I am not willing, anymore to compromise who I am, and what I am about for the buck, and live in fear that I will not be supported, come time when I choose to live 100% exactly the way I choose, no matter what!

I am not used to risking as much these days, due to certain responsibilities, but man, like nails on a chalk board, I can only take it for so long.

I always, always, return to the person I know is true, inside, no matter what it looks like, feels like, or what numbers come up at the end of the day.

It feels THAT UNCOMFORTABLE, to NOT BE COMFORTABLE, in my skin.

Daily, I have my work cut out for me.

NEVER, do I wake up with a mundane thought!

Nor, do I mill about my day, believing all of the silly things that I do, to make the time pass, to keep me laughing amongst the crap, to make it all bearable, so that come time for me to get home, in my private little Idaho, I can rest within and know that sometimes we just do what we have to do.

Me? I am looking foreword to when the "Outer, meets the Inner", and I am just living my life , with all of it's frailties, getting to a needed balance, that will make me feel whole, and  complete, no matter what!

That, to me, is a PH.D in and of itself.

Welcome to Life!

Welcome to coming home to ourselves and knowing who we are, outside of our individual circumstances.

Everyday, I expect surprises, and a new way of learning more about my self, let alone, anyone else.

Thank you for this amazing opportunity to learn, to grow, and to be open and available to being less of who I think I am, and more into who I naturally know I am.

I am so utterly grateful!!

Thank you a million times over!

Gabriela

I feel extremely blessed, beyond words.

Goodnight, and thank you, thank you, thank you!!! 

I HAVE NO TITLE... THE MOMENT IS WHAT IT IS.....

I bought this divine piece of art, while in Rome, in the Vatican, for my mother.

I could write pages on my stay there, and at the Vatican, but truly, since then, I  haven't had the quality of time, to actually devote to writing about what I would call, one of the most amazing experiences of my life!

I spent my 40th birthday in Italy, and my actual birthday on the Amalfi Coast. I still feel spell bound, 4 years later, at the enormity of it all, from my heritage, to my own individual life, here, with all of it's circumstances and dwellings.

This picture digs so incredibly deep inside of me, as were most of the images in the Vatican. It made the most profound impact on my soul, one that comes to me every night before closing my eyes.

When you start to approach the Vatican, if you have any sense of spiritual connection, and probably even if you didn't, you immediately begin to start thinking of your life, the whys and how's, God, and how incredibly gorgeous, and mysterious it all is, and how ever did we get the fine, fine  opportunity to be here, and to be able to witness such sacred ground.

The art work was just unexplainable. I was in a sheer state of awe the entire time, along with a neck ache from looking up at Michael Angelo's love making on the ceiling....... I can probably tell you that I have not quite digested that trip, and too, that when I go again, I want to be alone! 

 No talking, just complete and  utter absorption in something so grand. Why waste one minute talking about it or whoa-ing about it. I just want to commune with it and let is sink deep inside of me, as I know, that those  images carry my experiences, now, to date, and it hurts that I cannot find the words to express just what it all means to me. I will die, probably trying to express what this "mystery" is, how it dwells inside of me, and how it has molded and affected my entire existence, thus far, here, in this crazy land of "Oz".

When I saw this piece, I wanted it immediately!

I thought of my mother the entire time, for reasons 1 through a hundred. My mother was a divine, divine soul. There isn't anyone she didn't cradle in her arms, take in, care for, be it a dog, cat, duck, snake, someone caught in a storm, making them a "room" in our cellar so they could be warm and safe. Friends who's homes burnt to the ground came for shelter at our home. Friends who didn't have money to eat, or families to be with, stayed at our home. Friends who's parents were not kind, reveled in "Mrs. B's" home, where humble food was cooked, and a table full of brothers and sisters sat, amongst the craziness of their lives, we still, always sat a the dinner table, in good times, sad times, crazy times, turbulent times, and that is where we came together. Mom always said a prayer, or we passed it on to any one of us that felt like we could come forward to say grace about what our lives were like, how we were grateful, and to just say, "Thank God" for love, for our family and for sticking together.

To me, my mother was the epitome of compassion, of love, and of a heart that gave beyond her own means. We didn't have money, but one thing I always say, is that I was never short of love. Although I grew up without a father, present in our lives, my mother made damn sure that she would make up for any "loss" that I may have felt. Granted, without a dad around made for some hard knocks, but today, I stand alone, with a strength in my being, very independent, and hard working, making sure that my babies are fed, first and foremost, and that I am good "upstairs" with all of life's calamities that soar my way.

My mother was divine, and she taught me the greatest love that I cannot help but to share with any and everyone.

There is something so organic about a "divine love". Someone that loves without reason. Someone that genuinely loves because that is what comes so natural.

To cradle people in times of hardship, celebrating them in their triumphs, and allowing people to just be, no matter where they are, what it looks like, and to embrace all human beings, for the individuals that they are, and not separating yourself from them, even if it seems like you are living totally separate lives.

We were hated on our block for having a family of black friends at our home. My mother adored her friend and family and basically said F.........the neighborhood and anyone else that has anything to say. She never discriminated against anyone!!!!!!!

She welcomed every last kind of person in our home, and even if she didn't believe in certain lifestyles, or situations, she welcomed them, and stretched her abilities to see things from a different perspective, given her old fashioned way.

Veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy grateful for her allowances and to love beyond ideas of what she thought was "right and wrong" and chose love and acceptance over anything, even if it hurt her!

My brother and I had friends with illness, incapacity's, retardation, slowness, major identity issues, and vulnerabilities that soared through the roof.

Mom would hang tight with our friends, and play a game of chess with them, cook for them, teach them how to make things, make pasta, make awesome meals, and share with them the possibilites, outside of their situations, but still was semi firm in, "but you can take out the trash, and dry a few dishes". Not trying to make any huge point or anything, but there was always something to make you work for, in a very rewarding way. I don't know one of my friends that left our house not feeling loved, fed, and with a teaching to boot.

After all, our house, WAS the neighborhood house, and mom was "Mrs. B, Gin, Ginny, Ma, and Mom to say the very least.

I never know what my blogs are going to be until I sit, and just put fingers to computer. I didn't know I would write about Mom tonight, and as I sit here remeniscing, tears in my eyes of a childhood with so, so many memories, definitly makes you sit back and go WOA! I mean, BIG TIME!

She didn't take sh........from anyone, especially my brothers friends who seemed so charming, and tried to woo her, but she was no dummy. She'd even say, "I got your number honey"......cute....but no cigar!! Now go to bed, empty the beer, and rest peacefully."I said........ empty the beer can", and they would totally respect her and say," Ok mom.......look............. EMPTY!!!

She gave a lot of allowances, but I look at it like, she allowed certain things to happen under her supervision, and it was better than the guys going out, and doing it somewhere else. The boys had a band and they converted the basement into a jam hall. On certain nights, mom would be home, playing chess upstairs, or doing her own thing, and Peter and Tommy would invite tons of friends over to party in the basement, get kegs of beer, and they had a stage set up. Tommy, base, Peter drums, and the other band members. Classic Rock, which remains my True Love of music to this day, was played in our basement, with a definite eclectic array of happenings. Mom gave way, and I swear, I stand by her rule of thumb. A certain allowance makes for safety and a bridge to walk on. Psychologically it takes the "fun" or mystery out of it, and then the kid has no interest in pursuing the "taboo" thing he was investigating to begin with.

I know for sure, that this will raise certain eyebrows, but as her kid, and as I know how I WAS as a kid, it worked. Allow me, and the granduer is gone.

Wild. I know! But really, the psychology is simple, if you really look at it.

All I  know is, that there was no shorteage of love in our house. We may not have had all of the luxuries that most families did, but then, really, I look at things, back then, and I go........WOW, back then, I thought I was missing things. Of course, I was a kid comparing myself with other kids, but really, honestly, when I look at my childhood, it was perfect, in all of it's imperfections!

My mother loved and adored me like nobodies business. I ate amazing, amazing, amazing authenic Italian cuisine, even if it just cost a dollar to make, it was exquisite, we had prayer, we had gratitude happening at our dinner table every single night, amongst the chaos, we shared a love outside of our differences with the 5 of us, we sat with friends in need, that no longer were in need, or feeling deprived of love, or food. We had a beautiful house, games to play with, siblings to share love and lifes journey with, we were taught manners, how to love and not be judgemental, how to serve humanity, how to serve "god", how to love everyone beyond appearances, how to cook like troopers, ( Italian troopers), how to LAUGH beyond any, any, any situation, how to be compassionate........I mean......the list goes on!!!!.

As a kid in the 7th grade, I may have thought that we were different, because I didn't have the newest clothes, or shoes, but man, oh man....... really.......I have been the most rich, rewarded child on the face of the earth.

And, might I ad, that my sister, who mothered me when mom was working 3 jobs to support us, made sure, that her baby sister had what was going on, in style and happening, to the best of her ability.

She took care of me.

She made sure of plenty, for me, in great detail, and I am utterly grateful for her stance in my life, then, and now!

Life brings on new and different challenges all of the time. New thoughts to approach, new ways of looking at things. They change all of the time!

I never think that once an idea is formed, it has to stay that way. I felt so many things yesterday that are different today.

I never want to stay so stuck in my own ideas that I will die with solid ideas of how I THOUGHT THINGS SHOULD GO.

I always want to remain humble, and open to understanding new ways in which I can be fresh, and more alive in a consciousness that, even if it doesn't fit my current ideas, it will allow me to brake through into a new way of understanding of others, my relationship with them and how to make it whole, so that come time for "lying in the hammock" of this life, I will not look back and go, " I wish I........ I shoulda.........and man.......why did I waste so much time on ...............

all of that, you see, is where my homework is.

I  have a "thesis" I am working on. It's called, "My Life".

I've lost pages. I've deleted  pages, I've cursed pages, I've cried at my written pages, that I want re-written.

Only I can re-write my own pages and make them what I want.

I have my regular work life, and.........THIS!

The..........THIS...............part, is my life!! My true life!

Work will always be work. And with the hope that someday, my inner desires, for expression, art and love, will parallel my days, and make clear, what this life really is about for me.

Until then, you and I have this tiny little blog, that maybe will reach a soul or two.

If not, it clears my conscious, and paves the way for me to do some sort of good in this world.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to my Mother, for molding me into something that I am proud of waking up to everyday.

If for nothing else, you have done good, for this one particular soul, and that is good enough for me, in this crazy, crazy calamity of a life that I am so, so good in, for all reasons mentioned above.

I love you dear sweet soul. My Mother, my confidant, my best friend, my sister, divine mother, and too, my "daughter", who needed me to listen and talk to when she had no one else to turn to.

You will always, always, be my inspiration!

Thank  you for this beautiful life!

I love you!

Always.

HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN

I went to bed last night with tears in my eyes. In a very, very good way. I cannot explain what is happening for me right now. I want to say it is in a spiritual way, but even that narrows it down to something so small, and encapsulated.
I feel so blessed that I have had the courage and tenacity, if you will, to make my life so specific, down to the T, of exactly what I love, minus a few things, and to not buy into the status quo. I am living the dream life that many would think a poor man/woman would live. It's funny, kind of, because we all have our own interpretations of what the "dream life" is.
My sense of dream life is being so full within, that anything that happens on the outside will be taken with a grain of salt, and finding a neutral way of living, that embraces everything, just in a different kind of way. I have had the BMW's, and well, the whole detailed life of wants, is great, but not the shit, by any means. Really, it is a "who cares" kinda deal, and that it is!

I have traveled extensively, feel well rounded, worldly, and do want more of that, but am finding that there is so much to do on this planet, for IT and for us and that time is passing us by and I really don't want to miss out!

I have had spiritual teachers, read  many books, studied this theory and that theory, and in the last 10 years, I have slowly molded my life to what it is that I feel works for me, what feels good, what resonates with THIS HEART, and  not what Buddha says, or what Jesus says, or any other scripture or deity. And please, don't get me wrong, I love all religions, and take what I can out of the teachings, whole hearted. All of them are beautiful, in their own right, and continually teach me how to love, to be a better person, and how to make compassion and forgiveness my best friend.

It feels so funny in a way right now, although I am moving into a new skin quite comfortably.

On my days off I usually work now, doing personal training for people who are looking to live and eat more consciously, and too, to mold their bodies into something that fits them, not necessarily wanting to look like Paris Hilton or Brad Pitt. That is never my intention. I like guiding people to a realistic way of living that is healthy, and sculpted specifically to their needs, and understanding the passions of food, luxury and just living freely in these bodies. It is an amazing passion of mine, and one that brings 100% satisfaction, not only to me, but to the ones that find their way into a new way of living, on many, many levels.

What has been "funny" to me, is the transition from guilt, and should's, to doing exactly what I love. I try not to buy into what everyone else is doing, buying into the guilt that on my days off, I want to rest in my soul, reacquaint myself, with myself, after a long week of being so out there with people, chatting away, listening to life stories, being, doing, and going. I only have so many hours on my days off, to make it exactly what I want, and I have not wanted to be with anyone, doing any thing, at all really, but drenching myself in nature, my animals, and the sounds of the earth, god......the mere sound of walking down my driveway this morning in the gravel, made me slow down a notch, just to hear the amazing sound that my running shoes make hitting the dirt and the  rock. I mean, I feel as if someone has given me a drug. I kid you not!

I feel almost addicted to my  private life, it gives me that much satisfaction, and that is just skimming the surface of expression.

I have always known, since childhood that being alone was more than OK, and sort of always felt out of place with the whole party scene, school scene, then on into clubs and such. I never had a liking for any of it. Even dating was like eh.......... although I have had my fair share of loves. Still, in retrospect is an ehhh?? Take my life now??? In this moment? I am not missing one thread! Not one single thread! That is a whole other story to tell, which I will. It's poignant, I think, for a progression in our society. One that I think needs nurturing badly.

So in part of  my feeling funny in this process, I have to tell you the details, although mundane, really is so far from what I feel, honestly!

I  had to go to the doctor this morning, and this woman takes forever to get an appointment with, but I love her to pieces. Nothing like gelling with the person who is going to see all of your stuff. Egads........... no small talk there........ but she makes it real, and funny, and is just a cool, cool person. Great for her type of work. Touche', I couldn't do it.............well......ya know what? I take that back. I do think I have a pretty good sensitivity to people and certain situations, so, I take that back. That is the second time today I under estimated my abilities for certain things. Hmmm! Good one to look at! Love it!

Anyway, I get there and I waited an hour.......... (pet peeve), only to see my ex checking out in line. Funny, I wasn't noticed. More, to my good morning. I finally get in, and the first thing that was said was, "So, you haven't had any water, food, or alcohol in the last 8 hours have you?" Well YEAH......... no one told me NOT TO HAVE ANY WATER, FOOD OR ALCOHOL............... ( I downed 2 black bean taco's when I got home late last night since I didn't get a chance to eat dinner). Well, there went my month long wait for a  doctor visit,  only to be scheduled for  yet another month away. No irritation there, I swear!! ;)

So, driving home, was a funny event. Stuff happens and makes us feel whatever. I was irritated and when I got in my little sweet "Rumi" car... ( I call it Rumi because the Mazda dealership calls my car Zumi, like zoom, zoom because it is fast........... I like Rumi........ for obvious reasons.

On my drive certain thoughts ran through my head, as usual. IT'S A DAY OFF......WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I wanted to buy flowers for the garden, say hello to my mom, (her garden), and devote most of my day to being quiet and doing yard work. Yet another passion.
Thoughts run through my head like, "You haven't been out in god knows how long", you need to  meet this one for lunch, that one for dinner, it's probably healthy for you to get out"....... I am at the restaurant most of my time, and home, if not there. Seems boring, but full, to me.

I hate the fact that there is always a clock watching that goes on.

I left the doctor, thought about all of the things that I needed to do, and simply came home to grab a bite, and went back out to train some clients.

All I wanted to do was be home!

I trained, came home and looked around like, wow, my sacred abode....... I want to spend time in you!

A friend stopped over, picked up some walking sticks that I made that her mother wanted to buy, and I asked her to go for a walk with me with a few of the dogs. I hadn't even taken the dogs yet, on my day off. Yes, they aren't too happy either.

We went for a walk and it is always interesting when people come to my home. They see a different side of me, not on, not anything really, just me, and it either makes them feel uncomfortable, or they question, why would someone like "Gabriela" want to be so alone like this?"

I took her on one of my many walks with the dogs, showed her my "trail", and shared what it is that makes my days, outside of work. I wish I could express the look on her face, and  how, for the most part, she was trying to digest something that she couldn't quite get a hold of.

Honestly, I don't blame her, because, like my heading, "HONESTLY I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN",  it truly is like that!

The simplicity of my days  are so laden with .........well, let's see, what word shall we choose...........Truth? Consciousness...............Love? I don't really have a label for it, but it transforms me more and more everyday, and when I stick to that, no matter who is around, it becomes this extra, extra ordinary thing, because whoever is around, experiencing my daily life, is now affected, and is sharing their experiences.
It is almost an overload of joy, of something I cannot put a word or expression to.

We came home. She wound up asking what I was doing for Christmas, and again, I felt out of sorts. I mean, who doesn't do stuff on  Christmas? I said, ya know, "Nothin probably", I may get a tree. And even that was a question. I felt odd expressing my private thoughts, as that comes rare. She said, "Why?". I said, "even in my relationships, they would go home and I would stay home, reveling in sawing down dead trees for firewood, being quiet, making fires in the fire pit, or fireplace, walking the dogs, and just..........plain ol' being!" There certainly was a thought process going on there. Maybe not, just my assumption.
Well, she left, and I had to take a break. I honestly was in overload of emotion. The amount of Truth that had revealed itself to me was tiring almost, and I was feeling odd that I didn't really accomplish that much for the day.

I took my brown fuzzy blanket upstairs out onto my deck, grabbed my pillow, and layed underneath the stars and moon that were so, so blazing. I tried to relax but the moon was killin me........it had to be seen closer.

I hoisted my telescope up there, and man.............. I mean really............. I didn't think I could actually cap off the day, in so far as realizations and depth. How I wish I could articulate what soared through this body!!

I took it all in, layed down, and tried to settle a curious mind that was running so ramped.

I fell asleep for a short while. I woke up and immediately looked up. Looked around, and felt so omniscient.

I immediately started crying for reasons unknown. All I do know is that there is an unknown force whispering great "nothings" to me, and they are so god darn potent that it takes me awhile to digest, and even in my down time, some things are so great, that I don't really get them, and that is what drives me to be alone, to get back to "that" or "it" that was telling me a Universal story that would honestly, make or brake my understanding of my time here. After all, that really is my private goal or  passion. I yearn to "get it". I could care less about the buck.............

I came downstairs to open my mail........."something normal", and found a postcard, hand painted, from my Uncle Dick, again.

I have to tell you that when seeing his cards or letters, it makes me light up like nothing other!!!!!!

I stare at it and say, "I wanna open it when I am in the right mood", not hurrying, or multi-tasking.

So. I took it out on the back deck, in the night air, crickets going crazy, the moon howling, and it's light shimmering on the lake.......

I know that when reading his letters, it will be honest, and pure in thought. He genuinely and lovingly speaks of my mother, and his wife, Aunt Mary, who she and my mother both adored like none other.

He feels my mother through me, and actually, I feel him and my mother, AND, Aunt Mary through him.
He gets me! He gets my love, and where I am coming from. I can't say that for too many people, maybe two, or three.

He wrote at the end of his letter, "Do what you do best-Love-Love-Love_

Love your Circumstances-
Love your Life-
Love your Friends-
Love your Work-
Love your Animals-
Love your Abilities-
Love your Family-

You, Joni, ARE LOVE!

It capped my evening, and still, I sit here in total bewilderment, at love, how grandiose it is, and how, really, I never seem to find the words, that would be eloquent enough to express the grandeur of my being.

There are things happening that are great, but not yet understood, and yet, understood, on some level.

My days are filled with question, and they get answered, sometimes.
Sometimes not, which fuels the fire for the following days.

Things are being revealed to me in such a way that if I don't stay on top of things, truly, it will pass me by, and the orgasm of life will  pass me by, and the last thing I want is to have some great thing slip by me, without my permission, and then, to carry on a story that I won't be privy to.

That just isn't going to happen.

I am so passionate about this life and all that it has to offer..............

I am indebted to my Mother, who chose to carry me, contrary to so many beliefs, back then.

Thank you Mom..........thank you so much for everyday, every moment, that you show me true life!

I am forever indebted!

~

COLORING MY WORLD

This morning I woke up and couldn't lift my head off of my pillow again.
I did something to my back and neck the other day working out and I could barely move it yesterday.
I noticed during work that I kept focusing on it because I was in so much pain, but also, didn't want my compadres jerking me around like they do, tugging, pulling and goofing off with me. ( It is pretty funny and I do love it), but I was in so much pain, I had to forewarn everyone not to grab onto me too much.
Anyway, I walked around so stiff and what not....... that was that....... that was the thought pattern.

I came home and couldn't wait to put a heating pad on. I did and went to bed.
So, I woke up, and the first thing I thought was.......UUUhhhhh, it hurts, and almost immediately, I found myself sitting up anyway, and felt  my consciousness change in an instant flat. I wandered away from the body in the most phenomenal way, like it used to be on a regular basis when I would meditate for hours upon hours. I would be able to witness so much more about the body, how it is, how it works, and....how to separate myself from it, and just be objective in thought about it and not necessarily become whatever it was that was ailing me.
So, I sat up, looked out onto the water, looked at my dogs, and felt the most amazing feeling of not being in this body. I witnessed my surroundings as being so temporary, witnessed this body as being so intricate, so alive with an energy that I haven't even tapped into fully in 44 years, and that today was a brand, spankin new day to make myself even more alive, in something that is right here, right now, inside, bursting to tell me more of who I am.

I went downstairs to brew my cup of sacredness, yes, my hafta have cup of coffee, did the spin cycle in my house with maneuvering the dogs from room to room, deck to outdoors, and literally am still, finding myself so elated at what had occurred upon rising.

I took my coffee out to the front yard where I faithfully sit with Bello and Surrender, the two who can now be together, but not in the same room with the other dogs.

It's actually nice because they don't all vie for my attention all at once. I think we all like the private attention, with, and for each other.

I usually do a scan of the whole yard. Usually during the week my little sock snatcher, (Surrender), finds my fuzzy socks, or my bicycle socks and hides them, and then I find them in the most precarious places, like on my Agave cactus, or on St. Frances in the garden. That was actually a great one, I shoulda taken a picture then. God, I just heard my mom laughing at that. How funny! I love you mom.

So, I am out there scoping the yard, and I found 3 socks, starting laughing, with my heating pad wrapped around my neck, my silly outfit of long shorts, a tank, and funny colored fuzzy socks with my garden crocks on. I love it. No one to impress but me, and I could care less. How relieving!
I sat in my little bench under the tree, and felt my neck move with such ease, after only an hour after waking.

I looked up and saw these thick oak branches, the curvature in the bark, the colors, the leaves, and it brought me right back to when I was a kid. We had almost the same tree in the back yard. I climbed that baby everyday. Had climbing contests with my brother, it was first base, on our "baseball field" forever, it was my hideout when things got crazy in our house, it was my dreaming spot, my test of strength spot. My brother and I would see who could do the most pull ups on this one branch. I'm pretty sure I lost, but I always gave them a good run for their money.

I went into that daze and wow, is all I have to say. I sprung up, put my coffee on the stoop, and hauled butt up that tree like I was 7 again. I was cracking up, and too, reveling in the feeling of not giving into THOUGHT! Neck shmeck! Who's neck hurts? Not mine.......and..that wasn't even a thought. That is my thought now, as I sit here, with no heating pad, a very flexible neck, and a joy that I can hardly contain.
I climbed that tree all the way up. I felt those branches like they were my own limbs. I checked out life from a birds view. I remembered our house on Concord Avenue, and remembering little me, who is exactly the same now, as she was then.
It's all cyclical.

We inevitably come back to ourselves.
We have so many opportunities to remain true to who we are, inside and out, amongst all of the crap, life's misfortunes, shortcomings, our own tiring thoughts of who we think we are and what we are supposed to be doing.
It truly takes the pressure off if we can just be who we are, in each tiny moment, fully alive in exactly where we are, with all of the good, or not so good situations, and embrace them all and go out there damn it, and enjoy your life.
Things always change, don't worry. That is the beauty in the current of life. You don't even have to do anything. Life will allow change, when it is time to change. You just be ready for it at any given time, and don't hold onto anything. Let go of the railing. Let go of the banks on the river as you are floating through life. Take a little risk and let the enormity of who you really are emerge and take over the reigns a bit.

No one said "This beautiful life is about CONTROL".

This life to me is about flowing, allowance to be, and to enjoy what natural given beauty we have before us. Anything after that is your interpretation of how YOU think it should be.

So, if you are in something you don't care to be, YOU CAN.........GET YOURSELF OUT.
If you are unhappy............YOU CAN GET YOURSELF OUT!
In my little life's experiences, it takes so much effort to retrain your thoughts and mold them into something so simple........even as to remind yourself that you are not who you think you are.

I sat in therapy last year watching my therapist almost heart broken that I had this one particular thought about myself. I sat there, still, in total belief about this thought that I believed to be so true, and it has been with me since I was 4. I allowed it to cling to me, and still, every now and again it rears it's ugly head, but I think since that day, watching my therapists face, and how sad she was, for me, even understanding the psychological reasons........... it had blown up how terribly sad IT  REALLY IS for all of our false beliefs to linger on with us, and for us to so robotically take them on, as something that we think is real, when honestly, none of it is true. Not one stinkin' bit!

We are beautiful little souls who have been blessed to have some time on this incredible planet. To enjoy each other, to find beauty in all people, all environments, and to make all of it sacred. To choose love over our thoughts, and to embrace all that we cannot change, and to make good out of it anyway.

Our thoughts do shape our every moments.

Last week I said "I can't do this or can't do that because..................and the list went on.

Today, I'm buying the paint for my workout room, and not only that, I am designing another house that will reek of me, doing all of the design I love, the eclectic furniture, the lamps, the light switch covers, the very detail that I love in designing............ gardens, you name it. I'm making the list of things that I continually tell myself, "Well, not now, but maybe when................

My list looks amazing right now. Not unachievable at all.

Switch the mode upstairs. Be gentle with yourself, and know, that ANYTHING, ANYTHING, ANYTHING, IS POSSIBLE.................retrain. Re introduce yourself, to...........yourself.
Greet yourself at the door today, with open arms, a forgiveness for what pokes at you inside, a compassion that will allow you to laugh a bit more, relax a little, and not have so many expectations of yourself.

Take a breath!

Life is sooooooooooooooo grand.

Color your world. Make it pretty. Make it exactly what you want, and in the meantime.............see all of the simple things that really could make your day in seconds. It really does outweigh all of the stuff that you think is so darn important.

Go do something today that you thought you couldn't.

I am.

I want a dark brown room. heee

And my room..............mysterious red!

I'm so excited!!

Have an awesome day everyone.

Love to you,
Gabriela