I went to bed last night with tears in my eyes. In a very, very good way. I cannot explain what is happening for me right now. I want to say it is in a spiritual way, but even that narrows it down to something so small, and encapsulated.
I feel so blessed that I have had the courage and tenacity, if you will, to make my life so specific, down to the T, of exactly what I love, minus a few things, and to not buy into the status quo. I am living the dream life that many would think a poor man/woman would live. It's funny, kind of, because we all have our own interpretations of what the "dream life" is.
My sense of dream life is being so full within, that anything that happens on the outside will be taken with a grain of salt, and finding a neutral way of living, that embraces everything, just in a different kind of way. I have had the BMW's, and well, the whole detailed life of wants, is great, but not the shit, by any means. Really, it is a "who cares" kinda deal, and that it is!
I have traveled extensively, feel well rounded, worldly, and do want more of that, but am finding that there is so much to do on this planet, for IT and for us and that time is passing us by and I really don't want to miss out!
I have had spiritual teachers, read many books, studied this theory and that theory, and in the last 10 years, I have slowly molded my life to what it is that I feel works for me, what feels good, what resonates with THIS HEART, and not what Buddha says, or what Jesus says, or any other scripture or deity. And please, don't get me wrong, I love all religions, and take what I can out of the teachings, whole hearted. All of them are beautiful, in their own right, and continually teach me how to love, to be a better person, and how to make compassion and forgiveness my best friend.
It feels so funny in a way right now, although I am moving into a new skin quite comfortably.
On my days off I usually work now, doing personal training for people who are looking to live and eat more consciously, and too, to mold their bodies into something that fits them, not necessarily wanting to look like Paris Hilton or Brad Pitt. That is never my intention. I like guiding people to a realistic way of living that is healthy, and sculpted specifically to their needs, and understanding the passions of food, luxury and just living freely in these bodies. It is an amazing passion of mine, and one that brings 100% satisfaction, not only to me, but to the ones that find their way into a new way of living, on many, many levels.
What has been "funny" to me, is the transition from guilt, and should's, to doing exactly what I love. I try not to buy into what everyone else is doing, buying into the guilt that on my days off, I want to rest in my soul, reacquaint myself, with myself, after a long week of being so out there with people, chatting away, listening to life stories, being, doing, and going. I only have so many hours on my days off, to make it exactly what I want, and I have not wanted to be with anyone, doing any thing, at all really, but drenching myself in nature, my animals, and the sounds of the earth, god......the mere sound of walking down my driveway this morning in the gravel, made me slow down a notch, just to hear the amazing sound that my running shoes make hitting the dirt and the rock. I mean, I feel as if someone has given me a drug. I kid you not!
I feel almost addicted to my private life, it gives me that much satisfaction, and that is just skimming the surface of expression.
I have always known, since childhood that being alone was more than OK, and sort of always felt out of place with the whole party scene, school scene, then on into clubs and such. I never had a liking for any of it. Even dating was like eh.......... although I have had my fair share of loves. Still, in retrospect is an ehhh?? Take my life now??? In this moment? I am not missing one thread! Not one single thread! That is a whole other story to tell, which I will. It's poignant, I think, for a progression in our society. One that I think needs nurturing badly.
So in part of my feeling funny in this process, I have to tell you the details, although mundane, really is so far from what I feel, honestly!
I had to go to the doctor this morning, and this woman takes forever to get an appointment with, but I love her to pieces. Nothing like gelling with the person who is going to see all of your stuff. Egads........... no small talk there........ but she makes it real, and funny, and is just a cool, cool person. Great for her type of work. Touche', I couldn't do it.............well......ya know what? I take that back. I do think I have a pretty good sensitivity to people and certain situations, so, I take that back. That is the second time today I under estimated my abilities for certain things. Hmmm! Good one to look at! Love it!
Anyway, I get there and I waited an hour.......... (pet peeve), only to see my ex checking out in line. Funny, I wasn't noticed. More, to my good morning. I finally get in, and the first thing that was said was, "So, you haven't had any water, food, or alcohol in the last 8 hours have you?" Well YEAH......... no one told me NOT TO HAVE ANY WATER, FOOD OR ALCOHOL............... ( I downed 2 black bean taco's when I got home late last night since I didn't get a chance to eat dinner). Well, there went my month long wait for a doctor visit, only to be scheduled for yet another month away. No irritation there, I swear!! ;)
So, driving home, was a funny event. Stuff happens and makes us feel whatever. I was irritated and when I got in my little sweet "Rumi" car... ( I call it Rumi because the Mazda dealership calls my car Zumi, like zoom, zoom because it is fast........... I like Rumi........ for obvious reasons.
On my drive certain thoughts ran through my head, as usual. IT'S A DAY OFF......WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I wanted to buy flowers for the garden, say hello to my mom, (her garden), and devote most of my day to being quiet and doing yard work. Yet another passion.
Thoughts run through my head like, "You haven't been out in god knows how long", you need to meet this one for lunch, that one for dinner, it's probably healthy for you to get out"....... I am at the restaurant most of my time, and home, if not there. Seems boring, but full, to me.
I hate the fact that there is always a clock watching that goes on.
I left the doctor, thought about all of the things that I needed to do, and simply came home to grab a bite, and went back out to train some clients.
All I wanted to do was be home!
I trained, came home and looked around like, wow, my sacred abode....... I want to spend time in you!
A friend stopped over, picked up some walking sticks that I made that her mother wanted to buy, and I asked her to go for a walk with me with a few of the dogs. I hadn't even taken the dogs yet, on my day off. Yes, they aren't too happy either.
We went for a walk and it is always interesting when people come to my home. They see a different side of me, not on, not anything really, just me, and it either makes them feel uncomfortable, or they question, why would someone like "Gabriela" want to be so alone like this?"
I took her on one of my many walks with the dogs, showed her my "trail", and shared what it is that makes my days, outside of work. I wish I could express the look on her face, and how, for the most part, she was trying to digest something that she couldn't quite get a hold of.
Honestly, I don't blame her, because, like my heading, "HONESTLY I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN", it truly is like that!
The simplicity of my days are so laden with .........well, let's see, what word shall we choose...........Truth? Consciousness...............Love? I don't really have a label for it, but it transforms me more and more everyday, and when I stick to that, no matter who is around, it becomes this extra, extra ordinary thing, because whoever is around, experiencing my daily life, is now affected, and is sharing their experiences.
It is almost an overload of joy, of something I cannot put a word or expression to.
We came home. She wound up asking what I was doing for Christmas, and again, I felt out of sorts. I mean, who doesn't do stuff on Christmas? I said, ya know, "Nothin probably", I may get a tree. And even that was a question. I felt odd expressing my private thoughts, as that comes rare. She said, "Why?". I said, "even in my relationships, they would go home and I would stay home, reveling in sawing down dead trees for firewood, being quiet, making fires in the fire pit, or fireplace, walking the dogs, and just..........plain ol' being!" There certainly was a thought process going on there. Maybe not, just my assumption.
Well, she left, and I had to take a break. I honestly was in overload of emotion. The amount of Truth that had revealed itself to me was tiring almost, and I was feeling odd that I didn't really accomplish that much for the day.
I took my brown fuzzy blanket upstairs out onto my deck, grabbed my pillow, and layed underneath the stars and moon that were so, so blazing. I tried to relax but the moon was killin me........it had to be seen closer.
I hoisted my telescope up there, and man.............. I mean really............. I didn't think I could actually cap off the day, in so far as realizations and depth. How I wish I could articulate what soared through this body!!
I took it all in, layed down, and tried to settle a curious mind that was running so ramped.
I fell asleep for a short while. I woke up and immediately looked up. Looked around, and felt so omniscient.
I immediately started crying for reasons unknown. All I do know is that there is an unknown force whispering great "nothings" to me, and they are so god darn potent that it takes me awhile to digest, and even in my down time, some things are so great, that I don't really get them, and that is what drives me to be alone, to get back to "that" or "it" that was telling me a Universal story that would honestly, make or brake my understanding of my time here. After all, that really is my private goal or passion. I yearn to "get it". I could care less about the buck.............
I came downstairs to open my mail........."something normal", and found a postcard, hand painted, from my Uncle Dick, again.
I have to tell you that when seeing his cards or letters, it makes me light up like nothing other!!!!!!
I stare at it and say, "I wanna open it when I am in the right mood", not hurrying, or multi-tasking.
So. I took it out on the back deck, in the night air, crickets going crazy, the moon howling, and it's light shimmering on the lake.......
I know that when reading his letters, it will be honest, and pure in thought. He genuinely and lovingly speaks of my mother, and his wife, Aunt Mary, who she and my mother both adored like none other.
He feels my mother through me, and actually, I feel him and my mother, AND, Aunt Mary through him.
He gets me! He gets my love, and where I am coming from. I can't say that for too many people, maybe two, or three.
He wrote at the end of his letter, "Do what you do best-Love-Love-Love_
Love your Circumstances-
Love your Life-
Love your Friends-
Love your Work-
Love your Animals-
Love your Abilities-
Love your Family-
You, Joni, ARE LOVE!
It capped my evening, and still, I sit here in total bewilderment, at love, how grandiose it is, and how, really, I never seem to find the words, that would be eloquent enough to express the grandeur of my being.
There are things happening that are great, but not yet understood, and yet, understood, on some level.
My days are filled with question, and they get answered, sometimes.
Sometimes not, which fuels the fire for the following days.
Things are being revealed to me in such a way that if I don't stay on top of things, truly, it will pass me by, and the orgasm of life will pass me by, and the last thing I want is to have some great thing slip by me, without my permission, and then, to carry on a story that I won't be privy to.
That just isn't going to happen.
I am so passionate about this life and all that it has to offer..............
I am indebted to my Mother, who chose to carry me, contrary to so many beliefs, back then.
Thank you Mom..........thank you so much for everyday, every moment, that you show me true life!
I am forever indebted!
~
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