IT IS NOT UP TO ME.........

I honestly do not feel like it is up to me anymore, to do, or be something for anyone, or for anything for that matter.

I am learning that just being whole in my life, making solid and conducive choices, that the things I think need to be planned, or plotted out, really need nothing at all. The only thing that I need, really, is for me to present to my life, and to all situations, and to be quiet. To just listen to that voice inside that honestly guides me in the greatest of ways.

I suppose I may come off as.....what I don't know. Like I know something. Well, I do, for  myself. That may not be the case for everyone, and that is why I love freedom of choice, and of speech. I am by all means, no ones teacher, or anything like that. I am not a therapist, I don't pretend to be anything but Gabriela, who loves to express her heart. Some think differently.

 I am you! You are me!

 We may have different lifestyles, but we, as friends here, are no different, not higher, not lower. Just people, living the lives that we know, and want to explore.

I spill my hard core guts out here. For someone that is so private, I laugh and question my own workings sometimes, but  know, that in there, is a passion to share love, in all the ways in which I feel it, and then I know, in that, I will be ok, if it were the last thing that happened for me in this world. I would have shared what is passionate, what means most to me, and  how I thought my expression would help in some way. And too, that if there was something for me to express, to anyone, anyone, who has made a mark in my evolution, you better believe that they will hear from me, that I will stand on the bleachers and chant Thank you, for being on and in, my journey, and that they have made an impression on this soul, for however that looks, and whatever that means. Everyone in my world is sacred.

I have recently been "bombarded" for lack of better words or expression, with letters from friends when I was little, and in our teens.

I  have had a huge "mouth open" feeling and it has stuck with me, and especially tonight, when I had heard from a friend that I hung out with, as kids, 24/7.

I really haven't changed much, and when I look at my little self back then, it was pretty intense, for a kid, to be doing, saying, or feeling the things that I felt, of did.

The letters that I have been receiving are, without a doubt, mind blowing and are making me think so hard core, about my life as a child, the consciousness that was already there, and how, without me really knowing on a conscious level, back then, how I was paving the way, not only for myself, but for others in a really obscure way.

I am just giving input that  I have been given in the last few years. My childhood friends that found me on Facebook, tell me about  myself and what it meant for them to be in my world. By all means, I only say this out of sorting through my own evolution here, not to think I am something....... but the information that I receive is so mind blowing, so incredibly touching, and I  try to think back to second grade, or 7th, or whenever it was that friends felt this or that and tell me the stories that affected them.

Wow. How crazy and god..... just an amazing whirl  into another space and time. I am overwhelmed with beauty and really, an expression that needs a bit of time to digest itself.

I mean, I never did feel like "the others". I knew when I was a child that my life was different, even if my outer life seemed, well........what it was.

Tonight I received an email from a friend that I spent a lot of time with. We were inseperable.

I could write a whole blog on her, and what I percieved, back then, as our relationship, and her own personal life, with her parents, and own individual "issues".

She  told me what the affects were of being my friend.

It made me stand still, really almost frozen.

I cried tonight.

She asked me for my help and prayers, once again, like it was when we were young.

I guess we really don't change much.

She is going through some changes and body stuff that is perplexing to her. She is wanting comfort outside of the fact that her Dad is a doctor. That speaks volumes to me.

She is wanting security in LOVE, not medical advice.

I could go on and on.

You know, we can go on and on intellectualizing our lives, how we think it is, and then some curve ball comes at you, and you genuinly want some simple solution, like a warm hug, to get you through, or a friend to say, it will be ok or hay, did you know that outside of those ailments, YOU ARE LOVE! I mean really, you are a love that is so grand outside of your body, or your thoughts! I know, to many this sounds airy fairy, or spiritual, or whatever it seems like.

The bottom line is............. it is Truth! A beautiful one, at that!

We are living in a time where we don't pay close attention to our bodies, and parallel that with the thoughts that go along with that, as a reprocussion, or are we, really, really paying attention to what is happening so that we can take responsability for our illness, for our daily lives, and our circumstnces?? Are we?

To me, this is my life's work!

I cried tonight getting several emails from friends back East. Friends that were tight...... friends that, back then,

meant the world to me.

This is 20 some years later.

I will jump off a cliff for all of you!

But, I say, it is NOT up to me, to decide.

There is a source that is so incredibly deep.

It speaks to me in great volumes.

It allows my intellect to come in to play, yet, celebrates the intuitiveness that is so real, to make a game plan on what needs to happen next.

I am so crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy humbled tonight.

My life seems to get more rich, more solid, when I just see things for what they are, and how, on a Universal level, it is helping all of man kind.

God, how I hate to sound so cliche', so New Age.

Take it for what it is.

My heart is pure.

I am here, for whatever I am needed as.

My heart is open.

Use me.

Please!