IN MEMORY OF...........

My beautiful, sweet mother, who I, (for lack of any kind of words) miss so terribly!
Today is my mothers birthday, and it almost seemed so weird that I worked. It was an odd day too, because my schedule had changed and the day just seemed off, and different.
I had text my brothers and sister and they were all going to her grave, bringing flowers and cards, and I had spent some time in the morning meditating, and taking the morning to just be quiet, and to honor her on her day. It was a morning filled with so much emotion, and all day it stayed with me.
Her birthday always hit me so hard because I felt so incredibly lucky to have been born. Just born!
My mom had a very difficult time with her pregnancy with me, and she almost lost me. The very last second after the doctor had said she was going to lose me, I had miraculously turned around and she was able to deliver me.
They called me the "Miracle Baby" and she swears that God had delivered her an angel for reasons that we later decided happened for both of us, in a very spiritual way.

I usually go get her favorite flowers and bring them to the place I have sectioned out in my garden for her, sort of a memorial ground.

I  have her favorite things out there, and there is a bench that I sit on everyday, in the garden, even if it is just for a second, to talk to her.

Everyday when I wake up I think of her, no fail. At night, before I close my eyes, she is there, and I share my thoughts and dreams, and anything really, just like we used to.

We used to talk about any and everything. Even as a kid, there was nothing, not one thing, that we couldn't talk about. All doors were open.

Every year I would sing the same silly song, on the phone usually, since I always lived in another city or state.
So she would just chime in with me, and be just as silly, and we'd laughhhhhhhhhhhhh! Then I'd say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM", and then she would say........... ( she is Italian now so you gotta put the accent to it) AHHHHHH, "Honey, it's just another day". And I would say, "yea, you are right", but still!!!

I cannot believe it has been almost 3 years since she has passed. It seems like just yesterday my sister and I were in the ICU unit, trying to make her laugh by tap dancing for her. Janet and I would always make her laugh by imitating each other. My sister was always the dancer and graceful one. Me? I was the tomboy who was always lifting weights and boxing. So sometimes when we would be at Moms house, she would be sitting on the couch and Janet and I would do these skits. I would be her, and she would be me, and we would put on these little "shows" to make her laugh. God, she would laugh and call us "simpletons", but always wanted us to do more. It was so awesome to see her cry from laughing so hard at us and with us.
Our house was never, ever, short of humor. We are a funny clan. My mom had the best sense of humor. In all ways.

One year for Halloween she dressed up as Frito Bandito. No one knew it was her, and actually, she went around to local places in our neighborhood and wound up winning first prize.

She was an actress and a singer. She studied theatre and was in a singing group called the "Belltones". She sang in New York.

Both my sister and I took on her creativity and passions.

My sister, like my mom, played the piano when she was younger, and always had an affinity towards the theatre, film, and acting. To me, my sister is a natural, like my mom.
I, too, moved to California to be an actress, and to study film. Writing and the arts will always be in my blood.

She raised 5 kids on her own. I bow to that! I just cannot say that enough!

My  mom returned to school for psychology in between raising us. She was amazingly passionate about the soul, the workings of the mind, and also, the beyond! She was incredibly drawn to the mysteries of life, and was drawn to many people outside of the "norm".

One night while we were on our way to Philadelphia to my modeling class, I glanced up and literally saw a UFO. No if ands or butts. It was blazing and right in front of our faces. We pulled over and got out. We called 911 after spotting it. (Wish we had IPhones back then).
It was one of the most amazing experiences we had ever had together. After that, we were never the same. We both talked about our existence here, what we thought about it, and how we believed in the "beyond".

There are so many stories I could tell you about this amazing woman, so full of love, so full of compassion, so full of a light that only shines few and far between.

There is not a soul that did not love my mother.

Her heart was so, so pure, and yet, she was a regular woman, with her own issues, and all else that falls under the same category that we all face today.......... mishaps, divorce, and just regular life that happens.

She was a warrior! A deeply devoted warrior. No matter what happened in her world, she always BELIEVED and had FAITH in her "God". It always kept her good, no matter the situation.

Many a night, I lye in bed and think of her courage, and tenacity, and know that this is where I get my strength.
My mother has taught me the most beautiful lessons. The most incredible way to live, with, and without! To be without, is to be OK, and to have, is a luxury. It is OK to want, but to never forget where you came from, and to know that these things are just "things".
She would say, "If you always GIVE you will always HAVE!
I honestly, naturally live by that rule of thumb.

I found a sign that says that very thing and I bought it, and it sits on my stairs outside, next to my little Buddha.

It is my ultimate pleasure to give, and I thank her for that. It is THE MOST REWARDING THING TO ME.

I do think, on a regular basis, how we are taught so many things by our parents and how it molds us. Some things are amazing, and some things, maybe we need to work on.

I know I could never judge anyone who had a situation like my mom.

All I have to say is, "WHAT AN AMAZING WOMAN".

Up until the day she decided to leave us, I told her how incredibly amazing she was, and how much I looked up to her for being able to raise a family all on her own, and to be able to provide so much for us, and.......with a love that just doesn't come around that often.

She would say, " I know I couldn't give you all the goodies that you kids wanted, but one thing is for sure, is that I loved you kids like nothing other!"

I will say that is the closest to truth that you could come! I didn't have all of the new fangled toys and gifts, but I did know that my momma would be there for me with open arms at the end of the school day. Making pasta, having the family all together at dinner every night, and even if it "seemed" dysfunctional, I realize now, that it was more "functional and real" than most families. We were real, and we were honest about life, and the everyday things that transpire.
We talked about them, hashed them out, and too, hugged each other at the end of the day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, so much, for giving me life, for giving me the essence of who you are, and what you are about.
Today, they call it a hippie.
To me, love is love.
There is a genuineness that cannot be denied!
That genuineness Momma, you gave to me.

I will always give and love, as you did.

I don't want anything in return. The only thing that gets returned, generally, is that same love.
"You get what you give", is what you told me.

I believe that to be true.

I give and love because it is there, and it is real, and so, so natural.

Thank you for giving me the gift of life!

I am not looking to be anyone, but to be something,
something,
that hopefully,
will make a difference
like you have,
in this vast, vast
Universe.

I love you so so much Momma.

I hope you feel me today, as I feel you every day, and in all of my waking moments.

All of  my love to you,
Now and always,
Your little girl.................