AS LONG AS THERE IS LOVE......

Growing up I kinda hung in there like a trooper because a lot was always going on.

My mom raised 5 kids by herself.

To this day I just cannot phathom how she did it, and then times like now, although I do not have "people children", I have animals children, I get it!!! I SO GET IT! 

When you take on certain responsibilities you then own them. They are yours, unless you decide you just want to ditch out because you just can't handle it, or you don't have the money or the means, or whatever would make you decide that it's just not worth it.

My mom went to the edge of edges to care for us kids, to cloth us, to feed us, to make sure we were happy. We may not have had the newest, latest and greatest things, but I tell you now, in retrospect, we had SO MUCH! 

I think about how I would cringe with hand me down clothes, and shoes. HELL, I HAD CLOTHES AND SHOES! Many kids didn't even have that.

What I will say to the day I die is, " There is one thing I was never short of, and that is LOVE!"

My mother worked 3 jobs, cooked for us, we had fun take out foods, we had fun little surprises as gifts, silly but fun things, we had beautiful homemade Italian meals that you would pay top dollar for in restaurants these days. We had her singing to us, laying with us in bed and talking like friends, I had her showing up at my softball games, sitting in the bleachers cheering me on, being the mom who volunteered at the concession stand handing out hot dogs and soft pretzels.

I had someone that went to great lengths to try to make sure I was happy, fed well, and loved on.

These three things are what I live my life by.

Although I do not have "people children", I have my farm animals and my dogs that I feel that same amount of devotion to.

Whether it be a child or an animal, they all look for routine, love, and of course food.

In my heritage, food equals LOVE, so I have preened my animals to the same.

It's a ritual, like waking up and having coffee, or winding down and having wine.

As long as there is a genuine love, there is a response that takes away all expression, all words, because it is THAT priceless.

That is what my days are like.

I may not be rich, or have this or that, but my home is beautiful, I am warm, safe, have wonderful food, have transportation, and luxuries beyond belief.

I feel utterly grateful for my life, for my animals that are a pain in the ass sometimes, but what isn't? I would not give them up for anything, they truly give me life!

They help me deal with life's crap. To be able to stay neutral and centered in some crazy times.

A lot of people wish for money, and yes, I agree. Money makes things easier, but when I was making a ton of money the grass was not really greener. It really wasn't!! 

I believe there is a balance but the key for me is........... AS LONG AS THERE IS LOVE, I can deal with anything that comes my way, and if somehow I can't, I have friends who share that LOVE that I am talking about, to remind me of what is real, and what is not.

I thank my beautiful mother for bestowing the most real love to me. Not just a mothers love, but a simple love that spreads to each and every one of us. 

That beautiful woman touched so many souls in this life. I was not surprised at her funeral how many people showed up, like a full on concert. 

You could see it in their eyes, and then to boot, the words, the expressions, of how they were affected not by my Mother, but by LOVE, itself.

This is what I have learned, and adopted, and have integrated into my life.

AS LONG AS THERE IS LOVE.......... everything will be OK.

I feel utterly grateful for love in general. For without it, I would be a zombie, some dead soul out there continuously searching for something or another. ~

DEVOTION

This word seems to denote an idea to a lot of people.
Some it would be a spiritual devotion. Some devotion is just being devoted to someone, or something.
To me devotion is all encompassing.
If you are devoted to someone or something, you are DEVOTED. No matter what it is.
Since I was a child I found myself always devoted to one thing or another, and I stuck with it, no matter what it was. A person, an art, a sport, a belief, or my "idea" of what I thought life was, and I executed that devotion in a myriad of ways. Personally, and outwardly.
Outwardly it seemed awkward as a kid. Kids and young adults are "supposed" to do this, that, and the other thing, and I was always devoted to my inner thoughts, ideas, and what I knew inside to be my own personal truth.
Back then it was extremely difficult, just because a lot of my ideas were not the "norm". At least not in New Jersey, or just at that point and time, with the mind set of where young people were.
I remember feeling so out of place at parties that my boyfriend would have at his house, or when friends would get together in our apartment complex and do their "fun" things, it would just keep me perplexed, and leave me feeling so alone and different.
Don't get me wrong, I did all kinds of stuff then, had a blast and laughed my ass off. But all in all, I knew at an early age that there was something for me that was very different. Something outside of what was happening.
I had my own room growing up for awhile. My mom let me do whatever the heck I wanted in that room.
I look back and think WOW! It's like me now.
My room was just so. Even my stuffed animals were placed on my bed in such a way that it was like art. My dresser was really no different than mine now. An altar of everything and everyone that I love, from people, to pine cones, to stones, to leaves from the trees, to cool wood that I would find on my treks in the woods.
DEVOTION.
It is what  your heart gravitates toward and stands by without a shadow of a doubt.
It is what gives you hope, and life inside.
My spirituality has always been my devotion.
I don't put that in a "religious" box.
My spirituality equals nature, my animals, my loved ones, and that sacred spot inside of me that no one can ever touch. It is the only thing that cannot be taken away from me, which keeps me in line when life presents me with situations that either take things from me or that I have created a situation where those things have been taken away. It is a loss to some degree, but not really.
When all is said and done, I would be happy with my own thoughts, my glorious experience here, and the ultimate gratitude that I was given the chance to be here, on this earth, experiencing so much, from hardship to glory.
It is a wild ride, and I would not trade it for the world.
Today I "chatted" through FB with my very first lover. It's been 30 years.
It changed my day.
The memories, the hardships, the experience of a 17 year old dealing with a stack of things and taking on a family of four that I have never forgotten to this day.
Recently they have gotten in touch with me through FB.
The kids, that I felt were my kids at the time, are all grown, have children, beautiful homes and lives.
I was a mere child myself.
Life is a total adventure, like a ride in a boat, floating down an unknown river.
You never know what to expect or how to act in the moment.
Tears flow from these eyes to feel the time, the experience and the constant letting go of the past.
I've learned so much and although things have been tough, I embrace everything and I wouldn't change a thing.
I never thought I would say that but it really is true1
I feel as if my soul has expanded to a degree that I would never in a million years imagine.
Maybe this is what it is like to grow older and more wise, I don't know.
What I am devoted to is my practice.
My practice is to love unconditionally.
To forgive, no matter the circumstance.
To stay silent, more than not, to hear that subtle "voice" inside that guides me and lets me know the next turn.
To meditate deeply on my purpose here and to execute that in the best way  possible.
To help, to serve my fellow friends, strangers, and of course animals of all kind.
It seems like a lot but really, when the silence kicks in, it's like riding a bike.
Once you get on, the ride is so easy and you enjoy the heck out of it.
There is not a care in the world then, right? Are you with me?
Paint your own scenario.
DEVOTION.
I am devoted to LOVE in this life, and that shows up in a million ways.
For me, devotion takes a lot of quiet time and paving ways that don't always seem "right".
I just keep trekking on, in my own way, and if it feels good to me, in my heart, I know I'm good.
I am extremely grateful for all of the love and DEVOTION that comes to me in the way of friends and lovers who think that their "small" acts of kindness, to me, and for me, are nothing.
This, to me, is DEVOTION, and love in the way that I understand the most.
I appreciate you all and love you all from the bottom of my heart.
I hope to be all of that and more for you.
Now and always~
Gabriela ( Joni, to some ;) )

I REALIZE THE LUXURY OF MY FREEDOM

When I was a child, the Fourth of July was always a huge event. Major food, cooking out on the grill, lots of people, fire works, people drinking and hootin' and hollerin'. To me, I laugh now, because it's like being Italian, ANY EXCUSE to hoot and holler, EAT GREAT FOOD, and gather!

Today I woke up feeling so grateful. I layed in bed grateful that I have the choice to wake up or not. To lay in bed or not. To get up and greet the day or not. It's that kind of FREEDOM. Those things that could so easily be taken for granted.

I layed in bed and stared at the ceiling fan. I looked out of my window. Felt my surroundings and felt, again, grateful that I have the FREEDOM to make choices.

My life, like every one elses has it's ups and downs, but comparatively speaking, my life is a "pitiful luxury".

I say pitiful because I can get caught up in my daily life and what that equals, but I am certainly not closed off to others lives, what they are going through, and bigger, the world at large. Catastrophe's,  third world issues. Issues in our back yard, the next state......the list goes on.

I may not keep tabs on all that is happening everyday, and that is a personal choice. When it comes to these things people get pretty opinionated. Touche'. Such is my reasoning for my distance from the media. 

I'm not looking to live under a rock, or not stay apprised of what is happening in the world but it becomes personal and specific and I could care less, really, if someone agrees with my way or not. 

I'm becoming more and more LESS tolerant of opinions. 

It's just a THOUGHT. 

Whether it be yours or mine. Now go on about your day, and so will I.

Today was spent quiet, like I love.

Time to contemplate, digest, and get to neutral ground.

I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my freedom of:

Speech

Expression

love

ability to go to and from

walk down the road comfortably

work

make money

pay bills

live comfortably

have food

shelter

people who love and care about my welfare

the right to get married to whoever I feel like marrying

the ability to care and love for animals who are in need and whom are not

to care for the elderly who I gravitate towards like honey to the bee

to vote

for this blog........... this crazy blog that I started because I've been a writer since the day I was born, I think. 

For me to be able to express is the BIGGEST FREEDOM EVER. 

It's the one thing that taken from me would be the death of me.

I don't look for accolades, by any means.

To know I am able to write these lines, soothes my soul, to a degree that will satiate me for years to come.

Nothing has to come of it, but to know that I could have the FREEDOM to express this little soul, in this short span of a life, makes it all worth while.

I shoot from the hip when I write, so I am sure my mind will say I failed in my expression of how today felt for me.

It doesn't matter. 

Everyday feels short of my love and how that will be expressed in this vast and complex world.

I am utterly grateful for my life, for all of you, and for my amazing experiences that this life has allowed me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Happy FREEDOM day!

~

WELCOME TO YOUR LIFE.. THERE'S NO TURNING BACK!

I'm not really the person that "regrets" things from the past because given the good, bad and the ugly, I have learned incredible lessons and have transformed myself in ways that I would have never imagined. Not by trying, by any means, but by trial and error. Messing up, making "wrong" decisions", and I put that in quotes because I am human. I learn from my past but I never really think in terms of making "bad, or wrong decisions". It's my call in moments, and I am a human learning the tricks and the trade of this world. No one is perfect. This I know, and too, I am not looking to be some perfect person. In fact, to me, "the game is not about becoming "somebody", it's about becoming"nobody".

I have been tremendously humbled by my own life, what transpires, and how everyday, I feel like I am looking through a microscope at a life, as if it is not my own, and feeling propelled and perplexed at the same time. 

I walk as if there was a strobe light hanging over top of me. 

I want to be so awake and aware, and still, still.......... am captivated by the mystery of it all. 

The reasons behind everything. 

There is not one moment in my day that I don't question why I am calling certain things in, or not calling certain things in. I'm not OCD in the least. I have always questioned my existence and the happenings in my world. I know I will never understand it all psychologically, but what comforts me is the unknown and how it speaks to me and calms me. THIS, I cannot articulate to you. It is just a knowing, and it is what keeps me sane, and real in a world that makes no sense to me for a myriad of reasons.

A friend emailed me from Tuscany today. What she described as her experience there, and too, knowing what we love and are drawn to, completely shook me. 

I'm not even sure I can describe in words what this all means, but when I read what she wrote, I cried.

I truly have lived a BIG life. Adventurous, risky, open, edgy, willing and humbled. 

I crave nothing but simplicity.

My life isn't always simple, but on my trek I try to accomplish my desires. Let it be having a farm with beautiful animals, or simply doing what I am doing now, writing, with crickets in the back round, the moon shining through the window, and classical music playing. That's pretty simple and beautiful to me.

My friend described her time in Tuscany as if was my perfect love making. 

I cannot describe in words. If she would allow me to quote her, I would in a split second but she is shy with her expressions and dare me to quote that sacredness. 

I know for me that in my life now, it is chiseled down to the very basics and it makes me smile and  I feel so whole inside. 

I have my stuff just like everyone, but my meditation, my animals and my devotion to love supersede anything. It's what keeps things in line, real, and palpable. My friends and lovers know my heart and know that these things are why they love this little soul called "Gabriela".

There's no turning back. 

It's been quite the ride here. 

Of course, it's not over but I don't know that for sure. 

My time could be up tomorrow. I really don't know. 

I am present with my breath, with people, with my animals, and nature.............NATURE, what you have given this soul will never be able to described with words.

I thank meditation for allowing me not to have to describe every last thing that I experience, and that is BIG for this little person who needs to express herself in all ways. 

I am so damned humbled by life, my circumstances and the love that shows up in my world.

Thank you to all of the people in my world who make it special and worth waking up to greet my day with all that it offers. I love you so much and am so grateful for you in my world! ~

I AM ALWAYS LEARNING.............

Life is happening at a fast pace. I have to tell you, I do not like it. But can I fight reality? Can I go against the current? NO! For me, I really can't. Bills are there, situations occur and you need to tend to...... stuff shows up and you really want to just say..........." OK, what gives", but you just move forward and do the best you can with what is handed to you and also, know that you are the captain of your own ship, so that takes a ton of thought about how you create your reality without feeling like the victim. I know I am not a victim of circumstance, but to be honest, sometimes it truly feels like WTF!

I am in constant mode of seeking the deeper purpose. The why's and how's, but sometimes I need a break from the psychological.

My life is in constant flux. 

I have lived my life, for the most part, prepared for instant change. That is good, and also it can be unnerving. Either which way, I have to stay prepared so that nothing is a shock.

I meditate deeply and question this existence to the enth degree. I have since I was a child.

I know that my life isn't about toiling in chores. Even if it was or is, I have amazing tools to put to use,to be able to make those "chores" into something higher, to be of some good use for this soul.

I can take the bad and make it beautiful, make it useful.

I want to learn from each instance of my life.

Current. Change is happening and the mystery of life is revealing itself.

I feel open and grateful!

This is so risky but yet comforting.

As long as I am true to myself, honest and willing........... I feel great.

I honor selflessness.~ 

GOING WITH THE TIDE

Life seems to be one continuous stream of events. I'm finding if I am not fluid in and amongst it all,      I become the "fighter against life" trying to ward off "what is", avoiding change, and also some things that are beyond our control. It is a life lesson in so many ways. I try to learn from the past, and move forward with new ideas, passing up old ideas, or learned habits from early childhood. It's no easy thing. I mean I'm headed towards 50 and I STILL have those remnants of the past that try to trip me up. Who's to say what the time frame is for finally "getting it?" We all have our own journey and everyone's list of things to conquer are different. There is no right way, wrong way, or should or shouldn'ts. It is  your life, your lessons, and up to you to find your way. It's not for anyone to judge or comment on. 

I'm finding that I completely enjoy listening to people, their stories and what their triumphs are and too, their hardships. It deepens my sense of compassion and allows me to soften inside, more and more to the fragile life that is before us. I love sitting with my friends and listening to how they work with each other, how we all support each other in the ways that we can. I have beautiful, deep conversations everyday with a friend and we love how we constantly question this existence, question all of the why's and how's and dig so deep in that it opens up new doorways, new ideas, out of the box ways to make it all good when things may not seem so good. Many people are out of work, dealing with breast cancer, death, injuries, financials, you name it.......... and I just love seeing how people make it good for them. They laugh, they cry, they move through it with love and strength from friends and family, they meditate, they dig for the higher purpose and make that their focus. The results of that show. When it's dark, there still remains that light, that spark of knowing that all will be well, and even if it's not, for one reason or the other, it will be dealt with from a consciousness that only reveals a love that will heal all things.

Today I celebrate the fact that I have been shown how to love and receive love. How to give and receive. I celebrate my friends who get me, my love and passion for nature and animals, and the ability to connect to what makes it all real and tolerable, inside. Without all of these elements it would not be worth a dime. I am utterly grateful for my life. 

Today is good. It's the great outdoors, it's my animals, the amazing birds that keep me wondering and in awe, and a great book that I can't seem to put down. Aside from all of that, I made shrimp taco's and it pretty much put a cap on this gorgeous day. 

Writing it all down ..........another part of the onion peeled. ~ 

Another Blatant Reminder

Hi guys!
My life has been so crazy that I have had no time to update my blog. It truly is not about what is happening in MY world that I need to relay but to be able use this vehicle to express and to relate all of life's happenings so that maybe we can understand and relate to one another without feeling so alone.

We are all trying to make it. Make money, make "something" of ourselves, feel secure, make our relationships work, whether it be family, lover, friends, feel like we are accomplishing something in this world that feels meaningful, learn from our mistakes..........man, the list really does go on, and I actually wouldn't mind spelling that out. Not tonight, but I will. For clarity sake, you know? That's why I believe in writing so much. You can talk as much as you want, but when you sit with yourself, just YOU, alone, with pen to paper, I have to tell you, that from my entire life of experiences, that ONE THING, will transform you inside and out and will get you to know yourself in the biggest of ways.

I have the simple belief that if you can adhere to some sort of mind set ( whichever works for you), everyday, that allows you to stay humble and grateful, then it won't take any kind of catastrophe to keep you in check. Not a hurricane, not an accident or a death or any kind of happening that will jolt you so much into remembering who you are, where you are, where you came from and what that all means.

Seriously. I think everyday we all have our work to stay THAT current, THAT aware, and THAT present with the people in our lives. I have to tell you that this is my daily homework, my LIFE!
For the most part I want to just be alone, do my part and hope that with all of my "good deeds" I will be happy and that nothing will go wrong. The reality is, LIFE HAPPENS, and we never know what will be coming our way. We never know what is going to happen.
I learned this when my mother suddenly passed.
HUGE AWAKENING!!! And to be honest, I haven't digested that happening in it's entirety and it has been 5 years now.
I say that and it blows me away. I consider myself an extremely conscientious human being, but that event, that happening, took me to another place and time and it has taken me this long and more to process the life of a family, a mother and daughter relationship, unconditional love, family ties, genuine AND co-dependant. The list does NOT stop here, trust me!

I think I have lived my life very full and very aware of the people in my life and loving them as much as possible in the way that I know how thus far.

Tonight, and this past week my hometown has been destroyed my Hurricane Sandy.

It has jolted me to yet another realm of consciousness, so much so that  I am overwhelmed, ( in a great way), to be able to delve into another state of being. It "ups the Annie" on the level of awareness that is happening for me, or NOT happening for me, and I am left with myself, and where I am at in my life, and I get to see just where I need to step up to the plate, or plainly acknowledge how I am doing my own personal homework around all of these topics that I talk about, IE: relationships, no matter what they are, staying true and present to oneself, being honest with what all of that means and doing my homework.

I barely watch TV for my own reasons, but even my little rabbit ears that give me the daily data on what is happening isn't even working, so a few weeks ago a friend updated me on the hurricane in my own hometown. That plummeted into a wide range of emotions from where I grew up, where I hung out, to family outings, to everything that we did as kids on the Jersey Shore, to spending every weekend at Seaside Heights, the board walk, the games, the clams, the beer, the pasta, the YOU NAME IT........... IT WAS THE JERSEY SHORE AND THAT WAS OUR GIG! IT WAS OUR SPECIAL EAST COAST LIFE AND I LOVED IT IMMENSELY!

The disaster that is happening is mind blowing on so many levels. My family is still back east and everyone is okay. THANK GOD!

Like I said, time and time again there is always the opportunity to get that much closer to what is really real, time for healing and also time to actually STOP, and to reflect on our lives instead of being that rat on the wheel that is always trying to go, go, go, make a success outta life, make money, save for retirement, this, that and the other thing.

STOP!! STOP THE MADNESS, is how I feel.

This is only the beginning. Global Warming is happening. For decades there have been "premonitions" and people smirked because "who is Edgar Cayce" anyway, and who are all of the "prophets" that supposedly know the "future". C'mon people, get a grip. There is life outside of the black and white lines.
There are amazing people walking the face of the earth that don't have degrees, they are not educated in the way that you think education is, and these people, I think, need more of a place on this earth then the educated. Please know this is NOT a comparison, just an observation.
They live intuitively, they live by a vibe. I hate to sound so Austinite, or so psychic, but the reality is, there are prophets out there, incredible individuals who are tuned into what the real deal is, outside of ideas. THIS IS WHAT I LOVE! THIS IS WHAT I AM DRAWN TO.

When I was twelve it was predicted by a prophet what is happening NOW.
As I studied on through the years, the same predictions were happening, but no one wanted to look or gave looks of complete denial because there is no "back up" nothing "solid" to go by.

SOLID SHMOLID!!! WAKE UP PEOPLE. WAKE UP TO YOUR OWN SENSES! QUIT RELYING ON OUTSIDE SOURCES TO VALIDATE YOU OR TO PAVE THE WAY FOR YOUR SO CALLED FUTURE!

Start taking responsibility for your own thoughts, your own actions and forget about the higher Archy. We are ALL THE SAME HERE. HOW ABOUT MAKING UP OUR OWN  MINDS???

Obama was one of "Us" at one time.  He's just proactive. No different than you or me, just passionate and motivating. No fear of his opinions. Take the label of President away. Can you?

Speak your peace.

There is no right or wrong. People might fight your views but who doesn't??

Stay true to yourself.

Who cares if you speak out??

Life is fleeting.

I know for me that everyday there are constant reminders to keep forging forward with my own beliefs, and also to stay open to new information. I certainly do not profess to know anything or have the answers. I'm just me with my opinions like everyone else.

I say let everything in your life be a blatant reminder for change, for growth, and for compassion. Compassion for all of us, for where we are, for what we have learned or not yet learned, and to be okay with our process.
We are all a work in progress and no one, no one has a perfect slate.

Knowing that I hope that all of our relationships flourish with an understanding, a growth and a greater compassion for where we all are, here, in this life together, dealing with all of the same things, but with different views.

I hold my hand out, to better understand, to learn what I don't know and to hopefully share some things that may have worked for me along the way. No way is the right way. We learn as we go.

I am grateful to be able to express myself freely if anything. IF you have taken the time to listen I thank you and am completely grateful.

~