A HIGHER CALLING

This morning I woke up filled with so many mundane thoughts. They traipsed in my mind, like watching a ping pong match.
I watched the worries try to take over, the fears trying to win their constant game of "chess" with me.
I managed to laugh at how hard it was for those thoughts to try to make their way into my reality.
It took just a small amount of time to relinquish my divinity, and from then on, although every fear and worry was still there, I sank  into a natural reality that made so much more sense, and felt so much more clear and  real to me.
I spoke to a long lost friend of mine who I used to spend tons of time with years ago.We had a lot of things in common, mostly our spirituality, why we were here, and what that meant to us.
How refreshing those days were.
People with a soul purpose.

God, how I miss that!!

He told me he had retired from his business he had for years and now was studying Theology, hoping to become a priest someday.
Well, I have to say, that out of any one thing that has come out of anybodies mouth, in the last umpteen years, this has to be one of the most refreshing and rewarding statements that literally has brought me to a very specific state of mind.......let alone the tears of joy, that washed over me, for reasons, obvious, and not!
It soared through me like a bolt of lightning and felt as if someone had grabbed my insides and literally opened me up.

I  had a vacation recently.
All of the money in the world could not have given me this kind of vacation...that I had..... inside.

I barely spoke to a soul, outside of a few clients and friends who I have been helping with fitness and nutrition programs.

I find myself vying for more and more time alone, which doesn't baffle me anymore, whereas I used to think it might be unhealthy, yet when I would question it, (mostly because of outside opinions), I would say to myself, "But how can it be so bad, when it feels so good?" It is so fulfilling and allows me to tap into the depths of my being almost effortlessly.

I contemplated my entire existence here, what I thought I wanted and how I want to see the rest of my years go.
I wasn't surprised at the outcome!

From my early twenties up until my late 30's I pretty much lived a monastic life. In retrospect, there are a lot of things I would have changed, but too, tons of things that I would not have changed, not one bit, and would go back in a heart beat to be able to devote my life entirely to the service of others, to having prayer and meditation be the primary focus of my days and not be working like the rat on the wheel who needs to rob Peter to pay Paul.
It leaves such a dry and empty feeling, one that makes me feel as if I am of no help to others and that the time required to access such depths is so scarce, that it hurts me, almost, to "beg" for that time to reach my "god", so to speak.

I miss having time to cook for the homeless, hanging out with them, learning about humanity, coming up with solutions, or partial solutions, or, maybe not any, but there was that time to give, at least, or just time to access that part of myself that has creative ways to to bring about change.

Humanity is hurting!

In this sense, I feel like a Mother.

It hurts to watch such Innocence get corrupt, or tainted with anything other than what we are so graced with naturally.
To watch the destruction, on all levels, pains me, and is a constant , constant thorn in my side that I can never seem to get rid of.

I promise I am not trying to be "Super Human" and save the world. I am not one of those, honestly, but I do know what I have inside and if I can somehow be part of a small contribution to this "home" of ours~ be it with people, or the entire planet~ I want to jump in full force, before arthritis sets in, grey hair, and all other natural frailties that may "take over" these bodies.
Still, then, I know I will always have a voice~and even if that were to fall to the way side~ I'd scribble on any napkin, any scrap piece of paper with any utensil, to say my piece~ of how~ maybe... we could have done things better, or to just plain ol' share this natural love, that will never come with a handbook, just experience~and allowance.....and a forgiveness that goes unyielded!

I don't dream of a fairy tale life, nor do I dream of the perfect lover.
I dream of change, of spiritual depth, spiritual growth, and implementing what is natural and divine, and capable of transforming, not only myself, but others, and this place we call our "home".
The  place we tread our feet upon, day in and day out.

I always do question how I want to "BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD".
Those are my sacred thoughts, and every little moment I get the chance to practice that, I do!

Yes, something close to a Monastic life appeals to me......greatly!
I haven't figured it all out yet, but I know something greater will come. It has to. I am way too drenched in it, in my "private world" now, as it is, for it not to.
It is like the sweetest candy you can imagine. The best pleasure that no money could buy... the most tender kiss...... without the "kiss"...............softer than you'd ever know!!

There is a Higher Calling, for me, at least.

It echoes off of every mountain top, every wave in the Ocean, and every tiny little blade of grass.

It is there, in every corner, showing me my compass, toward a life that is unknown, uncertain, but real....oh so real, that blindfolded, I'd be that certain, of my "whereabouts" and be content in the knowing that I don't need a book to follow, just a  heart...........to...........listen!

Thank you, thank you, for this exquisite life! I am honored.............greatly!

~