Life can be one big Mourning..... a continual grieving process that only escalates with time.
I figure there are continuous births, and too, continuous deaths.
From starting in a new school as a child, to having to leave to move on to another grade, to the friends that were there, to making new somewhere else. First loves, second loves, leaving your moms house to get your first place on your own....... siblings who you grew up with for many years, suddenly all leave and find their way into the world, and seemingly, you are always going back to "just you".
I mean, this is life..... it hit me today in a different kind of way.
Just because it is called grieving, or mourning, doesn't necessarily mean that it is bad. It is emotional, without a doubt, especially if you are sensitive to all things.
I went on my long stretch of runs with the dogs tonight, and as I got to the end of this culdisac, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I looked and realized it was a newborn baby fawn, lying in the bushes all by itself. I quickly took my dog across the street and leashed him up so that he couldn't see the fawn. He'd go crazy if he did.
I walked back ever so slowly and quietly. I didn't want her to get away. I was so awe struck and wanted to freeze that moment. I stared at her, and she knew she wanted to run, but couldn't. I said to myself, inside, God, I would never hurt you please don't run......... She propped herself up, her ears stood straight up, and I saw all of the gorgeous white spots on her, and then she started stumbling to try to get away.
To me, it is such a shame that something like that cannot sit or lye down, just as comfortably when you were standing there, as to when they were by themselves. The look of fear shows in every expression. I usually have my phone, and I wanted to take a picture so badly, and I tried. She let me.
Nature and animals have their way with me. Hands down, I become as soft as a cloud, and wish, that could be a regular experience with any and everything. No fears as to who may or may not harm you, who you can trust, and what you can let close. Animals reflect our biggest fears, and, our biggest loves.
The "mourning" is the extreme amount of innocence that gets tugged away by outside influence. It could be me, my dog, and the fear that we will kill the fawn, the simple fact that we are in her territory, and she cannot feel still, and has to be on guard in her own home...... this pains me to a great degree. It not only symbolizes how we have traveled so far away from the organics of nature, but that it also symbolizes our own personal lives, and how our innocence is constantly being toyed with, or misunderstood and brought to a place , that in today's mind, is "not learned", or understood because we are now so laden with labels, and shoulds and shouldn'ts and walk around with the ideas and culmination of what this life is "supposed to be" lived out as, according to some scientist, or some other "robot" that is mimicking a "higher" robot, and so it goes on, and on, and on!
The one thing we can always count on is.......change.
I looked at a yard that I pass on my run, and said to myself, "wow, just a few weeks ago, there were a crazy amount of bluebonnets and wild flowers", and I was taking pictures like mad, because that beauty doesn't come so easy, or should I say, last so long.
That is why it is so great to really seize your moments, that, without a doubt , WILL CHANGE. Even in that, like I said, will be a mourning process. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. I have realistically looked at change, and letting go of things, and accepting things out of my control, as just being, real! Life! There will be a letting go, and some things will be harder than others, but WOW, you can either settle in with, "This is depressing", or " WOW, life is a WILD RIDE", and I need to meet up with "reality", and do a cheers with a big ol' glass of Red. I mean, c'mon, it ain't easy. I COULD EASSSSILY BE DEPRESSED in some situations that have happened and or, are, happening for me, but man....... my little walks and time alone, do me good.
I still cry, and muddle through my thoughts..... go through my wish lists of who I want in my life, who I don't, the why's and all of the how's.......but the Truth is, I have to come clean with WHAT IS!
WHAT IS, AND WHAT IS NOT! Make a real recipe out of what ingredients are in my frig, not what I don't have, and need to buy, ya know?
It is a maturing that sheds layers. I kid you not!
Life is a kaleidoscope of things, and if you just look at it, as it appears, (a mystery), then half, if not more, of the puzzle, will be understood, and no more will be the taunting questions, the nagging wonderment of the why's, the how's, and the why shoulds....... It merely becomes........... THIS! RIGHT NOW! The moment that is blazing with wonderment, uncertainty, love, passion, question, and yes......... fear!
If fear weren't there, then where would be the fighter, who needs to fight more? Fear will always be there, and even if it hurts, I want to embrace fear and love it like I have never loved anything more.
Change will always bring about emotion!
You can rightfully mourn your own personal process, your own individual evolution. You can do what ever you want with the information that gets handed to you.
The beauty in that is that.......YOU ARE ALLOWED!
You can cry, not cry, you can accept, not accept, follow, not follow, choose, not choose....... the bottom line is.......you get to the cash register, and you meet up with yourself......... we all have to pay our "dues".
If you can look at the person checking you out, as YOURSELF, and gladly give what is asked...... you are on a good road............if you refuse to "pay", therein lies competing with other "grocery stores".
Just "pay" where you're at..... the "discounts" aren't that significant!
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