VOWING TO HEAL

Like two people ready to make a life long commitment, I have made a vow, to myself.

Long ago, when I lived in New Mexico, I was alone in my little adobe. I had meditated for so long that day, and my experiences were heightened, more than I could probably comprehend that day.

Two days earlier I had gone out and bought a ring. The ring was for myself. Extremely personal and sacred, (which is why I cannot believe I am writing about it), but for some reason, this is what surfaced, so, I am going with the flow.

At the time my spirituality was all I focused on. I worked my regular job, but after that, it was meditation, and too, most of the time spent in nature, just quiet, feeling the grandeur of what nature offered, and then, usually cooking some good food in the kitchen, but very low key, and nothing really to disturb my place of "good". (Things haven't changed much).

That day, after hours of meditation, I was sitting in my living room, on the floor with a plate of food.

I could barely articulate in my own head, the feeling, the experiences that were happening, but that was a pretty regular occurrence after spending lots of hours outdoors, quiet, walking or hiking, or meditating for long periods, and wondering where the heck I just visited!

I purposely went to buy a ring, for myself, as my own sacred and personal commitment, to my spiritual evolvement. For healing, for growing, and to making THAT my priority in this life.

I will never forget that day.

I took the ring out, and looked at it, and like someone getting ready to marry, I had nervous little quivers, and was checking in with myself to make sure that this was actually, something I really wanted to commit to for life!

I know this sounds all dramatic like it is something out of a movie, but I really am telling you as it was, and how utterly pivotal it was for me. (and... still is)

I took the ring out, and I looked at it.

I was so excited that I bought a ring for something that I was sooooooooooo passionate about, some thing I felt worth committing to.

Mind you, I never felt that way from the time I was little. Never was the little girl that dreamt of a white dress, walking down the isle, hoping to have a great husband and children.

I did, however think of children, but mostly adopting from Africa or India. Yes, that was as early as 6 or 7 years old. That right there, reeks of Karma at it's best, but that is a whole other story, for another time, of course.

I took my ring out, and looked at it, and made sure that if I made this commitment, that it wouldn't just be some flimsy or passing thought. I knew it wouldn't be. I was too passionate about my life and the things that I was discovering and uncovering about life, myself, and about human nature. The whys about our very existence and how it all relates to us on a daily basis were about to explode inside of me.

I closed my eyes and put the ring on my left finger. After I did that, I completely exploded inside with a joy that I probably could never articulate. A genuine joy to know that I just consciously committed to doing some hard core work on myself. To uncover past ghouls and goblins, to be able to live a full life in the present, without any interruptions, so long as I stayed on top of all of those things that came up for me along the way.

I made the promise! I was elated about my choice.

It excites me to this day, to feel that same reverence, that same passion, and devotion to something that I believe in so whole hearted.

Years later when I moved to Texas, I was snorkeling and in the midst of, I felt that ring slip off of my finger and into Lake Travis.

I was devastated, really, just because of the inner value.

When I returned to my blanket after snorkeling, I was already OK with the fact that it was lost in the water. The ring, at this point, was irrelevant. It was merely a physical representation of a comittment that can only be honored from within.

I took that wisdom and ran with it.

Ever since that day, I have committed myself, again, to making my life here and individual trek toward a very pure, and loving existence. One that I feel is untainted, full of genuineness, and compassion........Love and Truth.

I know I don't need a ring or anything else to make it real. Maybe that was MY KIND OF ROMANCE?

After all, that did seem more romantic and real, than walking down the isle with a person.

I honor all ways of loving and devotion, but I just don't think that was ever a real feeling for me, at least not yet, but the one I had chosen was, by far, the most amazing commitment I have ever made to myself.

I've since changed, churned, turned inside out, and have become more of a devoted soul than I ever thought possible.

Certainly not because of daily hours of meditation, reading books, or spending time with a spiritual teacher!!

It is because I have embraced life in all of it's frailties, it's hard core ways that continue to chip away at my pride, or any other label that makes "me" seem small, in a grand environment.

I know at times that this can seem all too serious, and, it is, but most times, it is light, and just something, like a student would have to do to prepare for a test. Some days we feel like studying, and sometimes we don't. Some days we want to play and forget that we have to study, and some days, we are so focused and on it like nobodies business.

We all try to find some balance in our awkward ways, stumbling through life with all of our small wants, desires and free flowing ways.

I have always been an extreme advocate for "hands on" experience rather than going to a formal school.

No matter what I have studied in the past 25 or so years, whether it be herbs, or nutrition, or massage, or working with the body, in one capacity or the other, it has always comforted me, to know that making my choice to go with my intuition, has enabled me to learn more from NOT going to school, and going with some serious hands on work, is more than sufficient, if not, completely satisfactory, with what one needs to know, or NOT know, to be able to heal, and transform, be it mind, body or spirit.

There is a tremendous amount of valor in that, and I have to say, I have gotten to know a lot about this soul, this vehicle, that is here for some reason or another.

I don't need a label for it. I am sure that when the time is ripe, it will show itself to me, and guide me to where I need to be, and with whom.

Call it hippie, call it all the names it readily gets, but leave room for the miracle of love, that continues to work in the most mysterious ways. The ways that have no explanation, that have no rhyme or reason, but have the tremendous amount of love that could pull a thousand cattle.

I VOW TO HEAL! I VOW TO LOVE! I VOW TO LEARN, AND TO HAVE FUN, AND LIVE LIFE FULLY AND TO LAUGH AND PLAY ALONG THE WAY.

Thank you for all of you who have helped me along my way, no matter what the label or title. It all gets compartmenalized into one folder. It all becomes the same.

I love you so much, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Gabriela