EYES CLOSED

Today I went on my walks with all of the dogs, and it was so gorgeous out, I mean everything, really was screaming HOLY GROUND, or maybe it was just the place I was in. Maybe a combo of both.
It's so funny to watch the dogs as we set down the road, that they look for the goats that live next door, and really want to see them, almost as much as I do.
They weren't there, and I think we were all disappointed.

I love my walks. They open up my day, start it out with an organic feeling, and too, allow that innocence to seep in, so much so that it infuses me with an energy that sustains me all night long.
I was coming out of my skin on the way to work, and it felt so high, so g....d....... amazing, that once again, I wondered how it was that I got to be so lucky to be able to experience such a grandeur.

I  laughed out loud, while driving my car, shifting gears, thinking, how long ago was I taking taxi's to work and digging into the deepest part of my existence to understand the whys and the how's of life's work, and why the hell was I experiencing being with 50 different cab drivers, getting to know their stories, getting to know them, and too, making beautiful connections with people from all around the world that had as story, just like me, only colored with their markers, not mine. I will never forget this time in my life, honestly, it was astounding............. really, just mind blowing to the nth degree.

I swore I would do a documentary on that 10 month time frame, one of THE MOST vulnerable, interesting, and scary times of my life.

Time seems to be the "want" these days, for me, at least.

So, on my walk I was drenched in a place that was almost too much for me to handle, or comprehend, and all I wanted to do was close my eyes.

I was walking Surrender, my dog, who is usually all over the place, and inside, all I felt that I wanted to do was close my eyes.

I just said, "OK, I'm gonna do it".

I would love to express beyond "Holy Crap", or "Holy Shit"..............and be able to articulate what the hell it is that swallows me whole, and turns me inside and out, and into someone that I love, I mean absolutely love...............

I closed my eyes and found myself so acutely aware of every, every, everything!! The smells, the "noise" in the back round, the crackling of my feet on top of the gravel, the sound of Tippies paws hitting the ground............and wow, it was all so simple.......

I thought to myself, " how amazing to be THIS aware, this connected in a moment, to know that just walking in the gravel would stimulate me just as much as having a night with someone, doing what lovers do.
I almost hate putting words to what I feel in my moments. It seems to bring it down to some kind of level that doesn't either make sense, or fit in.

It was an almost near perfect day, and it brought so much to me................

I think to myself, "How will anything ever match up?"

Will I always be a loner and..........alone in this feeling of wonderment?

I will not go back to the lifestyle I once knew..........many, many years ago.

I have peeled that layer.

I am someone brand new.

I don't care if I  have to be alone, to revel in this reality.

I just want it to be............

and to not be tainted by anything other.

I am so innocent, so free, and so on fire, in this place.

My love is a net.........

I will never, ever be the same!

~

SUMMING UP OUR DAYS

I like to pan back on my entire day when I get home, finally sitting, and although I am still "doing" like writing this blog, it is still a down time for me, and time that allows me to unleash my authentic self, onto this screen, where, honestly, I cannot get a grip on, to this day.
This computer is a book in and of itself, for many reasons, beyond this blog.
It is a fascinating medium and one in which perplexes me and too, intrigues me, to date, for sure!

When I really look at things, my life is so encapsulated. Really, I mean, I don't have much time, outside of being at work, to make my life what I want it to be.
So many people are doing this, and doing that, and I feel such a humbleness in comparison.

I can't imagine going out to a bar, or even a restaurant after work, really, let alone, anywhere. My days are so filled with noise, chatter, mingling, making and doing that honestly, all I can think about is either a hot bath and a good glass of red, or changing quickly into my running gear, and heading out with the pups to greet the sunset, and revel in the glory of the "end of the day", or.......the beginning.

I was so excited today, to be able to feel better, and to get out of the house. The dogs have been  pent up for a week, wondering why I "hate" them so much, as to not take  them on one walk in 7 days.

It killed me, but I had no choice. I didn't feel well, and actually, for me too, couldn't stand being in bed or just sitting for hours upon  hours in a chair, at this computer, with an ice pack and trying not to buy  into what the body was saying was wrong.

I had prime opportunity, as I always do when injury arrives, to surrender to what is happening, and allow what needs to happen, happen!
It has gotten so much better, after experiencing this for several years and understanding, spiritually, mentally and physically, how it is all intertwined, and how to go about processing it all and allowing it to form a solid understanding of how to nurture these moments, and too, how to transcend them, to open new gates and higher understandings of what to do next, how to implement change from past experiences, and how to be open to becoming someone new, on a daily basis, if not for the month, or year, and for me, down to this very exact moment.
Mine always seems to be to date. Every last minute, last hour, reveals  different things to me, and it can almost seem overwhelming, but if, and that is a big IF....... I balance my time, for what is needed for this particular soul. It all glides in a motion that is so much like watching the waves as you sit on the shore, shuffling your feet in the sand, as you sit on your beach chair, looking out onto the vast, vast ocean, trying to understand what it all really is about anyway.

I am so happy not to overwhelm myself anymore with how things should and shouldn't look. I am not saying that it isn't trying at times, I mean, people want you to be a certain way, and even if you say, "Well screw them, this is me and that is that, the Truth is, there is a lot of work to do out there. I am pretty good with it all, but to be really honest, it is a crap shoot.
I am my authentic self, 99.9 % of the time, and with much dismay, it is challenged on a daily basis, so much where I just have to surrender to the what I know inside. No matter what it looks like on the outside, there is this gigantic soul, doing some heavy duty work, within a medium that looks like............. X,Y and Z.

It is pretty interesting from a psychological standpoint, but can sometimes be saddening, and ever so hopeful to get out, and to drench myself into every and all things that seem  passionate and bold...........anything, really, to make a huge difference in this crazy world.......to reduce the information that is handed to us everyday, and make some sort of concotion, that will allow me to throw my heart out there, to do some service, to change the world a bit, to know, that in my small scope of things, that I have chosen to do one or two, or three, or more, things that would have made a difference in someones life.
Movies, candy, Opera, shopping............ hay........I love you all...............but when I see the time in which I DO NOT have, and look at the things that I need, and want to accomplish, I weigh it out in a second, and choose the obvious.

I don't go out. I work, and come home and retreat to a haven that, to me, is so pristine.

I don't know how to articulate it.

Certain people say, "OK, enough of the "I love life" sort of stuff for your blog........when are you going to dig into something different??"

Well, I never know what I am going to write about! And, the good thing with all of this is that, I can write what I want to write, and........not care. If I choose to write about love and peace, so be it! Maybe you all need a good dose of some peace and love and get out of your freakin crap that only musters up the robotic life, huh? I dunno, you tell me.........honestly, how you feel!

These are my thoughts...........and it is so ok for you NOT to like them.
I am not trying to get anyone to switch their way of thinking to be someone different.

I am just summing up my time here, in  my moments, and telling you, that there are some gorgeous, gorgeous gems about to surface, and I, myself, don't want to miss out.

Literally, I sit up as long as I can, watch the moonlight, the stars, and anything else that takes me beyond my small train of thought, and into the questioning soul, that is forever wondering, why, how, where, and wow!!!

My days are so short lived!

If for some reason, I were to pass tomorrow, would I have spent my days wondering about miniscule things? Things that really, on a bigger scale, don't matter in the least?

We can all choose our lives and make it look however we want it to look.
To me, the key is, making it look like something that actually equalls your soul, and..........adhering to that, making it  prominent in you life, and standing up for a love that is so, so grand!

I am awake and ready to share the goods.

Are you?

RETURNING TO ME, RETURNING TO ME!

Sometimes when I sit to write, like tonight, after a long day at work, doing daily stuff that we all have to get done, and then retreating to just expressing, hangin out, listening to my kinda music, it gives me that feeling of "Well, the day wasn't so bad, and things aren't so bad, especially when I see how many luxuries I have, and are at my fingertips.

I love the feeling of returning to myself. All day long, it can be like a see saw.

I have been off of work for a week now. I had an injury, and not only does that affect the body, but the mind as well. Especially if you are someone who can't sit still, who likes to accomplish things, and make her time worthwhile.

It's not like I didn't, but I can feel myself trying to plunge through things, and do things that I really shouldn't be doing, because I have that mentality of Super Woman, or, for the sheer fact that I AM the only one in my household, aside from 4 fuzzy, 80-100 lb dogs, that really cannot do the laundry, or organize the house of "entrapment" due to their pack issues, and ya know, simple things like taking out the garbage. I mean, I like doing all of those things. I feel good in it, but not if I am compromising something, and "trying to be" a Super Woman, when in essence, I just don't need to be doin' that kinda stuff, and I need to heed the warning and get in a tub, or lie down with some ice and call it a day.

That is like death to me, but from past experiences, I know, full well, that even if there seems to be "no way out", "Oh no, I live alone and how this or that"........... God always finds a way to support me, or to give me what I need, but........maybe not in the exact way I was looking for, or asking for, but surely, always something in that vicinity, and always, keeps me wondering, as a kid looking up at the clouds. I always want to know what the hell is going on and why? Why? Why? Why?

Some people like the bon bon lifestyle with the remote in hand and some fatty food that will make them feel comfortable at the end of the day.

That ain't me! That just ain't me!

I'm pretty good at balancing. I won't say that it doesn't take an effort. I am more the, "I WILL CONQUER THE WORLD", type, and try to do it, and if it falls short, lord knows it will be on tomorrow's list of things to do.

Years ago, if that list wasn't completed, I'd be in an up heave, for the "strivers" sake. I am not OCD by any means. I just like goals, achieving, and making progress in ones own evolution, even if it means changing your damn toilet paper. Hay, at least you now have the Charmin with Aloe that won't take you to the "cleaners" so to speak, and you don't have to mess with some off brand that saved you 90 cents but makes you wince every moment you visit your "haven with a throttle".

I am laughing so hard because I can hear my sister right now, laughing and feeling a sort of embarrassment at the same time because she thinks I am putting all of my junk out there, all of my thoughts and it cracks me the hell up to visualize her going "OH MY GOD, SHE DID NOT SAY THAT ON HER BLOG".

It is sheer laughter to the soul, I swear.................... to somethin'........ out there!!

Tissue  please!

Honestly, this blog is just  me......expressing because I need to for me, in this life. It is of utmost importance, to get my stuff out there, to whomever, whenever, and even if it seems odd, it isn't really odd, to the one who just needs.....plain ol' expression. Not to get something back, but to just allow the wild train of thoughts to course through her veins, to share them, and to feel so utterly  passionate in the outcome of making a period to her sentence. GOD................. GOD............ That seems so small, but so  huge, cathartic, and beautiful, all in one...............

Why not write, for that kind of outcome?

I read those words as if I were not writing them and stand up for a Touche' of sorts, just to high five someone that has so much passion.

Egads........that is me huh?

All good.........just wild, incredibly wild at the expense of me.

I can not possibly put that into a format of sorts. Really, it is so hard to compartmentalize those thoughts. 

I continuously return to myself.

The one who has a gazillion questions, the one who is standing on the edge of edges, the one who is goin, "Don't stay stuck there"...........come with me.......................Look over here........... this is where life is................. God............... really..........I am so damn grateful!!

Return to you ! Whoever that may mean.......to you!

There is a treasure, and in it, remains the gifts, for the ones who dared to risk.

I am so utterly in love with

giving and

sharing

this

love.

Thank you so, so much for allowing me to express my natural self and to be able to share my love, that is so, so laden  with a gift that, even I cannot comprehend.

I try, at best, to stay open, to such enormity, but then, feel as if, I fall short, only in knowing that time is of the essence, and that what I do, is so full and not "right on the money", with how it "should be" to help life and things along.

My heart aches at such a "loss", but somehow, in there, is a  gain,

I am not sure of the gain, as much as I am sure of the loss.

Such is life, verbatim.

I want to be sure that I am doing some good, '

and  not just taking the losses

as they come.

Reading poetry

is different than making love

to  poetry.

When you make love

you commune,

when you read love

you make love

in your

mind

but haven't quite

discerned how to

be

in

a love

that

warrants

no expression.

~

Returning to yourself

has may facets.

I have little expression

in the way of

words,

But sit with me

in silence

and all that

is tried

in expression

will be

somehow

formulated

in

nothing.

Sheer

nothingness!

Thank you for expression

and

non expression.

I bow to all of it!

In sheer gratitude!

~

LET ME FALL

I am so happy to fall flat on my face, to learn, to grow, and to get right back up to see what the heck it was that made me fall to the ground like that to begin with.
I am a fighter, really, I am, and if something makes me fall to the ground, or anywhere near it, you have shaken my hand, in the boxing ring, and, I know, I will want a re-match. For sure!
Never make the determination on the first fight.......it's the next match that you better watch out for.

I am certainly not looking to fight anyone or thing, but if I am forced in the ring, I have no problem putting on my boxing gloves and giving you everything I have.....honestly!

This life is so chock full of opportunity for me to become more of who I am inside, to shed the layers of skin that just don't fit anymore, and to physically and mentally meet the challenges that I think need to be met, for me to stay good, and true inside, to feel good, as a spirit, and a soul that is trying to do some good here.

I love visuals that are  physical, and that you can look beyond what is being portrayed and use it as a lesson, on a whole, to where you are, what you are doing, and how you want to transmute that, so that people can digest what the hell you are talking about.

Boxing is good. Anyone and everyone fights in their own way. For freedom, for rights, for any darn thing. We all have our own individual issues.

I have a photographer friend who is coming soon to take pictures for an upcoming blog I want to do, to re-create, for a project I have in mind. I cannot wait. She is amazing, she knows the depth behind my work, and what I want to portray. I could care less about my picture being taken. Really....... the only thing, and well, it is big, and a huge project that I have wanted to take on for  many years now, is that a photographer follows me in my daily life, and just takes her own images as I go. Nothing like," hay I want to look like this, or that," but someone who is in tune with me, the silence, and can hang with traipsing upon my territory, doing what they love, and me, doing what I love, quiet, but both getting what we want.
It is a long term project that cannot be taken lightly, for me at least. Why, I don't know, it is just there, and always has been.

Anyway, a series of those images will be of boxing, since it is a huge love and passion of mine, and too, any and everything that makes me crawl out of my skin........... maybe I will just leave that for the images to appear on my blog, but honestly, if someone is in their element, and the person behind the camera is present, and whole, in themselves, therein lies some beautiful love making.

Passion to me lies in anything you do. I know that I can be doing the laundry and have moments of sheer,"God..... WHAT WAS THAT?" And there I am so in love with my life, so simple, so giggly, and so content.

Maybe she is taking pictures of me folding laundry, who knows. It is all about the moment, and how it is portrayed.The meaning behind it all, no matter how simple.

I want to fall back into myself.  The self that no longer cares what it looks like on the outside.

So many people have ideas of how they see me, of how I "should" look, or what I "should" be wearing, or doing.......the list goes on.

I love who I am in all of my simple ways.

I don't wear this or that. I'm not frilly. I'm not the Jane, or the Sue who wears this or that. I am just me who is comfortable in............whatever it is.

I am not a make-up girl, or roll my hair in curlers. God forbid............. that much time taken in the morning, I coulda run a mile or two.....

This girl is easy. Jeans, T-shirt, boots. Shake the hair a bit with some product and out the door we go. Nothing else please, or I will get overwhelmed. hahahha

Why can't we all be left alone? Or should I say, "Why can't we allow ourselves to be left alone?"
Why does it have to be that we have to be doing certain things, for certain people or............just for ourselves, outside of our homes and small little vortex?

Are we afraid of what people will think of us? Will they be disappointed in us for not being or doing what they thing we should be doing?

It is huge. It really is.

I battled that for awhile. Doing what people expected of me. It hurt me so greatly, because what people wanted from me, was not what I wanted for myself. Again, I was trying to please others to fill some sort of gap.

I changed that ( I was going to say "right quick") because I have definitely been in Texas too long. I changed that and it has more than transformed me. I listen to your opinions, because it is interesting, but "where is it that I was now?' My thoughts of me are good, true, and pretty right on, and I am sure, by all means, that you have that good of a grip on yourself.

I feel like I have been writing all over the board tonight, but it is OK.

Let me Fall was about being ourselves. Coming back to ourselves.

No matter what people want you to be.

Really look at who you are, RIGHT NOW, and what that means for you, and then, simply execute that in your daily life. I mean, you HAVE TO.............I won't let you........NOT............DO THAT, FOR YOU!

Do you want to downsize? Up size? Be more of this, or less of that? Please, make me happy and say that you will be OK with making a change that will conform more to who you are. There is no need to make anyone happy with how you look or what you do. Please, if not for anyone, make me a happy camper by telling me you went out with no make-up and didn't care, or you went to a show and didn't care  how people thought about you, or to the grocery store at 6 am without pounds of make-up on, when really, you woulda just looked perfect with no make-up and your goofy little shorts. Did you ever think that you looked good like that?

FALL........LET YOURSELF FALL..............INTO WHO YOU ARE..........WITHOUT ANYONE HAVING TO MAKE A COMMENT............. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE VALIDATED!

I could go on an on.

Who are you?

What do you want to portray?

Do you care what it looks like?

If so, why?

Things to think about.................

but darn, do it while singing.............please sing...............cuz I know I am tonight............

wish upon that star............. it's waiting................ go ahead................... make the wish, and go to bed.

I am always, always, here to support you beyond belief!

Love, love, and love,
Gabriela

SOMETHING IN THE WIND...CALLS ME!

My last week has been spent here at the house healing from a "sudden" neck and back injury.

( I know long time friends will laugh as soon as they read that. Why? Because they know my body almost as well as I do ~ often times more than I do. Good for when I cannot be objective enough. What great mirrors!

They know that when there is a lot of change, spiritual growth, or life's "bigger" things that can occur for me, that the first thing that takes the brunt is my back/neck.

Some people get stomach upsets, virus, colds, flu's....... I get this kinda stuff.

This has been a 20 some year long journey,, trying to "manage" the mind and what it "feeds" me, and to be able to take control over the thoughts that try to make it all seem "real".

The mind can be so cunning, if we let it, which is why, on  I cannot allow myself to pretend that these things don't occur.

I need all the time in the world~every last drop of time, to pour myself into a consciousness that sweetly awaits my presence~all day, everyday, in every waking moment.

I feel like an addict who needs their fix.

If I don't have that conscious awareness, I feel dead, and raped of an aliveness that nowadays is ALL I CRAVE!
I spend a crazy amount of time alone, and yet, it never seems to be enough. I stay awake at night to be a part of the  nights air, it's splendor, it's infinite beauty, and to just commune in the glory of the quietude.
Before work and during my days I try to think of things that I would want to do, things to see, catch a movie..... and what do I find myself doing? Racing upstairs, excited as a child on Christmas morning, getting my chair, my pillow, pen and paper.
The view of the water is a grace in my days. It constantly shows me the infinite possibilities that are available to me, the magic, the mystery and the phenomenon that are everywhere............just everywhere for me to revel in.

I came up here today after going to the Chiropractor. It was time to ice, yet again, and too, there had been a lot of things weighing on me.

So  many things on the outside, and in my immediate world are like me trying to squeeze myself into a pair of size 6 shoes, that I think "SHOULD" fit, when I know, darn well, I am a size 8. The more I thought about those shoes, and how it pained me so much to make myself like them, and wear them everyday, the more my body felt stressed, even so much as nauseated.
The pain grew inside and soon those thoughts were trying to become a reality for me that I know in my heart are not.
Only if I allow it, can they glom on as something real!

I came up here to my haven, sat in my lounge chair, brought my phone, plugged in my headset and tuned to one of my favorite stations.
Native American flutes, drums, sounds of the wind, birds and a deep humming of some old souls expressing their passion.
The wind up here is top notch, or, as my sister would say, "It's blowin' 80, haha, that makes me laugh every time!
The reflection on the water is singing to me, and this huge "eagle", like bird is gliding over my head~he honestly came that close. I stared him down, and the way that the sun was hitting his wings, the flute echoing, I swear, I thought the heavens threw my mother out of the "nest", to fly by me, to wake me up out of this temporary body, and to sink myself into Love, into the true reality of what is happening for me here.
I started to cry and felt an unmistakable presence.
I had goose bumps and any other feeling that would come along with the "unexplainable", the Mystery behind Surrender.

I closed my eyes and fell into a deep place. The more I connected, the more my body felt alive, and free!
Above all, to witness the untouchable spirit. The Free Soul, untainted and in a flawless, flawless, existence.
The deeper I went, the more I witnessed the emotions of the body doing what it needed to do, but no longer was I a part of IT.
I was able to have compassion for the person sitting there, in a chair, that believed so many things to be true, that even disabled her to some degree. How the only thing that really occurred,  is that she believed a bunch of thoughts to be true, when really, they were JUST THOUGHTS.............JUST THOUGHTS!
No more anxiousness, no more heaviness. No more thoughts!
I am home again!

The wind blew my Knight ~n~ Shining armour over. I thought that was incredibly symbolic, My Warrior Friend, my Joan of Arc, my statue of Courage and Bravery.

I opened my eyes and looked at it facing up with it's sword in hand, looked up at the sky and had to say a huge, huge, THANK YOU!
It can all get funny after awhile, what we choose to believe, what we make real, and then, what we know to be true, and, know to be, who we really are.
When you get big doses of reality, on either end, things start to come together, and no more do you have to be "doing" something. It is all right there, all of the time, guiding us if we just make that time an urgency.
More urgent than anyone, or anything. It will never let you down, I promise you!

It's getting to the point where it only takes a matter of minutes to find my way back~ as opposed to years, months, and a bunch of heavy learning curves. But those learning curves have become my companion. Never did I think I would say that after some heavy experiences, but to date, and still, in this moment and time, if I give myself the grand opportunity to go deep inside, all things can be healed, and  yes, like today, I stayed out there for an hour, after feeling the density in this body, and all of the fluctuating feelings that come along with thinking that is who you are.

I constantly have homework to do, and if I skip a beat, it shows!

Make the connection to yourself a priority. You won't be so on the prowl for things to validate you...... trust me, you are gonna fall in love with you, the one you've been missing your whole entire life~

Shoot, I wanna have breakfast, lunch, and dinner with myself. I fell in love a long time ago, and haven't found any one quite the same. Solitude feeds you like no other!

I don't want to have to swim to the shore of peace. I want to BE THAT PEACE, everywhere I go, no matter what is happening!

So very grateful for what is available to me............... and for those of you who support peace, kindness and compassion. Without it, I don't thrive! Without it, the river will, inevitably take me there. It knows my hearts longing.

All my love,
Gabriela

P.S. One of the pictures is of  my sister and I. It was the day we put my mother to rest. The first dove was "My Mom", and we set her free. The next Five Doves we set free, were us, her five children, who will always be with her, always, wherever this life takes us. It was incredibly beautiful because when all were set free, they were seperate, but all eventually flew back to Mom............ it was a phenomenal experience, one that I will never, ever forget, as long as I live............or after...........

I LAY MYSELF DOWN.......

In complete Surrender, to what is, and what I  have called in, and am making the most beautiful progress, knowing, what is happening, to the T, what I have asked for, and drawn in for whatever reasons, and am  happy that I can  look at my life and take responsibility for all that is in it. The best part is that if there is something there, not to my liking, I can immediately change it, because I  have that choice.

There is nothing worse than to hear myself  complain about circumstances, while knowing, full on, that I am never the victim, and that I'd be an ass if I thought that someone else was going to change it for me!

God, it takes us so long to understand this! To take full responsibility for our exact moments. Really,  no one else is to blame, or has "control" over us, as to make or break our lives.

It is something that takes practice, amongst  practice, amongst.......practice.

Everyday there is something that I want to change. I want to keep detailing my life until it finally says, "RIGHT THE HELL ON".........YOU ARE WHERE YOU ARE BECAUSE THIS IS WANT YOU WANT...........AND............I WIND UP LOVING IT.........NOT A COMPLAINT IN SIGHT!

I have battles in my head everyday, complaints, the should, the shouldn'ts and why am I here, but never the "blues".

Well, WHY GABRIELA? WHY?

It takes all responsibility off of any one, or thing!  And then it is straight shootin' from there.

What do I need to do? It is seriously a lot of homework, to take responsibility for me, and not take any one person into account. It's funny actually, now, of course. Never, really, back then. It is some excruciating stuff. That is just real.

"The he, or she did that to me is like...yes, and so?? No matter how big or small............. we can change things up. Right now, just take the blame off! I know it is hard, but stand tall in your crap. Ughh, I know the hardship in that.

It may seem that I say that with ease, but trust me when I tell you, it has not been an "ease" to get here, to this moment in time where the objectivity remains, for the most part, solid!

I have had crying moments, questioning nights, and a plethora of other days, nights and moments that have made me question my days, my existence here and how it is all intertwined.

The good thing is.......is that Love can carry us so far. If we just keep loving beyond our thoughts, our ideas, and what we think should be, we will sail and find a peace, and a love that soars beyond belief.

As soon as you feel like you are downing someone, take it back to you. How is it that you may be that very same thing, and then find compassion in your judgement.

Really, the work is endless!

To date, I have my opinions that flail from  left to right, and I see them, and then laugh. I say, "OK, good, now let's go for a walk and see how this can be objectified". If I don't give myself that time to be objective, I am truly screwed!

It just adds up, all of those millions of moments that catch up to me, all day long.

Somewhere in my day, I have to find a pocket of time that says,"Gather all info, and process". Not from me, Gabriela, but from the source inside that knows "right, from wrong".

If I let myself, I would think that I needed my therapist 24/7. I can easily get comfortable in objective opionion. It is such a luxury to see someone to be able to spill all, and to hear objective advice, but really, the most beautiful luxury is to give my own self the time, patience, and compassion that would equal, hopefully an hour or so of a session with a therapist.

This is my life's work!

Lay yourself down at night.

Catch a glimpse of who you are outside of your work, your family, your love, and see what it is that you are searching for.

Do me a favor.

Don't ask anyone.

Just ask yourself, and don't worry how long it takes for an answer.

Just check it out!

There is "the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow".

It is in being who you are, outside of what you, or others think you need to be, and what naturally seems good, organic, or right, in your soul.

Stay true to that.

I tell you nothing different than what has worked for me. It is not any solid solution, nor am I anyone with all of the answers. I am just someone who has experienced life to the fullest, in all aspects, and will share what has, and has not, worked for this hungry, hungry soul.

In the meantime, I want to celebrate the extreme amount of love that is permeating through this being, and to jump up and celebrate life in all of it's grandeur.

C'mon already! Grab  hold of my hand. It's time to celebrate our life!

I  love you all!!

Gabriela

A MILLION WAYS TO MAKE LOVE

...and I don't mean the old fashioned, classic way, or even an erotic way, of what those words may evoke.

When I say making love, I mean nothing other than an organic love ~ making love to life, and people, and situations, as if you were courting them, as if you fell in love for the very first time.

Life has so many gorgeous  moments that warrant the same kind of passion that we would give or put forth for a night of love making with our partners. Life, in fact, to me, has much more of an eclectic allure, than that of the "date night" or passionate glow.

I don't know, call me goofy......... some things just pale in comparison and I find myself wanting love from a much more natural source, other than, going to a movie and dinner.

Life is screaming for our attention! And too, I think we need that!

I happen to think that when we set sail on our own personal journey, not wanting anything from anyone, and we just set out to explore and investigate our natural passions, we will happen upon our love, however that may show up. Shoot it may be dogs, it may be bear in the wild, it may be a lover that shares the same interest, and it may be no one.........and that would be OK for me............what about you?

What if we were to let our natural way or state of being come forth, and didn't question it. What if, use me, if it were my calling to just be with animals?

Would you think that to be crazy? Would you question it?

Now what if that same situation occurred for you? What if that calling was for you? Would you still feel the need to be with "someone" because that is what is supposed to be?

I have been to the "moon and back" as far as experiencing life, and love, and sex and so forth.

I..........am .............bored!

I  love life, and what it has to offer.

There are a  million ways to make love, and it is not based on the physical.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is OK........hahahha...........just OK, but never, ever, the icing on the cake.

I'll take the Gorilla in Africa before that. And the Crocodile, and the Elephant, and the...............  list goes  on.

Maybe I'm the goofy one.

Who knows? I don't really think so, though, to be quite honest.

In the morning, I make love to the sunrise.

I make love to my animals, to their behavior, to their existence.

I watch the water, the birds and the trees and man, if I were on drugs I'd be higher than a kite.

I'm not.

Life is full.........so full with wonderment, and an amazing view from a purity that only comes if you are willing to see it, and feel it, and know it.

Otherwise, it is just a "pretty landscape" that you will go to bed thinking,"Wow, Texas is great".

It is so not that!

Maybe I will be the "not understood artist", which would be OK with me, but for myself, will not suffice.

I am a digger.

I am so god darn  passionate, that I am coming out of my skin..........every morning, every day, and when I lay in bed at night.

It honestly isn't about a temple, or church, or making it in the business world.

It is about being OK with my thoughts, my whereabouts and what I am going to make out of my life that was so graciously given to me.

Not Your life, but mine.

Wow........ my goodnight to myself is charged.

I am so.......sooooooooooo gifted for being allowed to feel what I feel.

Thank you so much for this allowance and the opportunity to share love and too, to receive it, when it comes.

All my love,
Gabriela

IT IS NOT UP TO ME.........

I honestly do not feel like it is up to me anymore, to do, or be something for anyone, or for anything for that matter.

I am learning that just being whole in my life, making solid and conducive choices, that the things I think need to be planned, or plotted out, really need nothing at all. The only thing that I need, really, is for me to present to my life, and to all situations, and to be quiet. To just listen to that voice inside that honestly guides me in the greatest of ways.

I suppose I may come off as.....what I don't know. Like I know something. Well, I do, for  myself. That may not be the case for everyone, and that is why I love freedom of choice, and of speech. I am by all means, no ones teacher, or anything like that. I am not a therapist, I don't pretend to be anything but Gabriela, who loves to express her heart. Some think differently.

 I am you! You are me!

 We may have different lifestyles, but we, as friends here, are no different, not higher, not lower. Just people, living the lives that we know, and want to explore.

I spill my hard core guts out here. For someone that is so private, I laugh and question my own workings sometimes, but  know, that in there, is a passion to share love, in all the ways in which I feel it, and then I know, in that, I will be ok, if it were the last thing that happened for me in this world. I would have shared what is passionate, what means most to me, and  how I thought my expression would help in some way. And too, that if there was something for me to express, to anyone, anyone, who has made a mark in my evolution, you better believe that they will hear from me, that I will stand on the bleachers and chant Thank you, for being on and in, my journey, and that they have made an impression on this soul, for however that looks, and whatever that means. Everyone in my world is sacred.

I have recently been "bombarded" for lack of better words or expression, with letters from friends when I was little, and in our teens.

I  have had a huge "mouth open" feeling and it has stuck with me, and especially tonight, when I had heard from a friend that I hung out with, as kids, 24/7.

I really haven't changed much, and when I look at my little self back then, it was pretty intense, for a kid, to be doing, saying, or feeling the things that I felt, of did.

The letters that I have been receiving are, without a doubt, mind blowing and are making me think so hard core, about my life as a child, the consciousness that was already there, and how, without me really knowing on a conscious level, back then, how I was paving the way, not only for myself, but for others in a really obscure way.

I am just giving input that  I have been given in the last few years. My childhood friends that found me on Facebook, tell me about  myself and what it meant for them to be in my world. By all means, I only say this out of sorting through my own evolution here, not to think I am something....... but the information that I receive is so mind blowing, so incredibly touching, and I  try to think back to second grade, or 7th, or whenever it was that friends felt this or that and tell me the stories that affected them.

Wow. How crazy and god..... just an amazing whirl  into another space and time. I am overwhelmed with beauty and really, an expression that needs a bit of time to digest itself.

I mean, I never did feel like "the others". I knew when I was a child that my life was different, even if my outer life seemed, well........what it was.

Tonight I received an email from a friend that I spent a lot of time with. We were inseperable.

I could write a whole blog on her, and what I percieved, back then, as our relationship, and her own personal life, with her parents, and own individual "issues".

She  told me what the affects were of being my friend.

It made me stand still, really almost frozen.

I cried tonight.

She asked me for my help and prayers, once again, like it was when we were young.

I guess we really don't change much.

She is going through some changes and body stuff that is perplexing to her. She is wanting comfort outside of the fact that her Dad is a doctor. That speaks volumes to me.

She is wanting security in LOVE, not medical advice.

I could go on and on.

You know, we can go on and on intellectualizing our lives, how we think it is, and then some curve ball comes at you, and you genuinly want some simple solution, like a warm hug, to get you through, or a friend to say, it will be ok or hay, did you know that outside of those ailments, YOU ARE LOVE! I mean really, you are a love that is so grand outside of your body, or your thoughts! I know, to many this sounds airy fairy, or spiritual, or whatever it seems like.

The bottom line is............. it is Truth! A beautiful one, at that!

We are living in a time where we don't pay close attention to our bodies, and parallel that with the thoughts that go along with that, as a reprocussion, or are we, really, really paying attention to what is happening so that we can take responsability for our illness, for our daily lives, and our circumstnces?? Are we?

To me, this is my life's work!

I cried tonight getting several emails from friends back East. Friends that were tight...... friends that, back then,

meant the world to me.

This is 20 some years later.

I will jump off a cliff for all of you!

But, I say, it is NOT up to me, to decide.

There is a source that is so incredibly deep.

It speaks to me in great volumes.

It allows my intellect to come in to play, yet, celebrates the intuitiveness that is so real, to make a game plan on what needs to happen next.

I am so crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy humbled tonight.

My life seems to get more rich, more solid, when I just see things for what they are, and how, on a Universal level, it is helping all of man kind.

God, how I hate to sound so cliche', so New Age.

Take it for what it is.

My heart is pure.

I am here, for whatever I am needed as.

My heart is open.

Use me.

Please!

WHEN THE OUTER...........MEETS THE INNER!

Everyday that I wake up, I am in complete awe of my own little world. Inside, and, outside of  my environment, and all of the things that I choose to do, or not do, to keep me in this place of wonderment, to not be shot down by so many of the things that are happening outside of my vortex.

I don't pretend that these things aren't happening, I just choose to make my time very specific, and extremely curtailed, so that the outside can, in some way, catch up with what is happening on the inside for me.

I have vehemently tried to sketch my life, to date, with only the things that matter to me, that make me feel whole, happy, innocent, and Holy.

It has naturally narrowed itself down to being by myself, at home, in nature, with my animals and conjuring up ways in which to do more of the things that make me feel whole, not just here in Austin, but globally, and spiritually.

I feel like I sneak time for myself, grab things in the house that remind me of where I am, who I am, read it, post it, put it on my mirror, my altar, and anywhere that will remind me of where I want to be,  where I want to stay, and with whom!

It's almost like a convincing of sorts. To tape record in my brain, what this whole life is about so the outer doesn't swallow me up and eat me whole.

It won't now, I know this! I've got a handle on it. I am head strong in my whereabouts, and I honestly think it is just a matter of time, effort, and patience. A seeing through of some pretty grand ideas that I think, personally, will make a mark in this world.

I mean, I love talking with people and serving spaghetti and meatballs, but look at me when I see you!!!

Is that what it is all about for us, for me?

I take every bit of everything that is happening in my world as a total gift, and will always render it as such.

But, I think, no matter where I am, doing whatever it is that I am doing, I will always be that person who wants to do more, give more, and to expand beyond my limits.

I have this greatness inside that has nothing to do with anything I have formed or tried to portray. It has been there since I was a child, and it is taking 40 some years  for me to actually zone in on what the special something is, to find the detail in it, and to expound on it, and make it worthwhile here, in my short stay on this lovely planet of ours.

I am not there yet, but man, I tell you, I am ready to explode, and to give life my encapsulated form of love and service that I think can make some small, small, difference in this world.

I don't want to play any more games outside of my home life. I say "games" like, pretending to be something I am not. Even if it is 1% not me, I am not willing, anymore to compromise who I am, and what I am about for the buck, and live in fear that I will not be supported, come time when I choose to live 100% exactly the way I choose, no matter what!

I am not used to risking as much these days, due to certain responsibilities, but man, like nails on a chalk board, I can only take it for so long.

I always, always, return to the person I know is true, inside, no matter what it looks like, feels like, or what numbers come up at the end of the day.

It feels THAT UNCOMFORTABLE, to NOT BE COMFORTABLE, in my skin.

Daily, I have my work cut out for me.

NEVER, do I wake up with a mundane thought!

Nor, do I mill about my day, believing all of the silly things that I do, to make the time pass, to keep me laughing amongst the crap, to make it all bearable, so that come time for me to get home, in my private little Idaho, I can rest within and know that sometimes we just do what we have to do.

Me? I am looking foreword to when the "Outer, meets the Inner", and I am just living my life , with all of it's frailties, getting to a needed balance, that will make me feel whole, and  complete, no matter what!

That, to me, is a PH.D in and of itself.

Welcome to Life!

Welcome to coming home to ourselves and knowing who we are, outside of our individual circumstances.

Everyday, I expect surprises, and a new way of learning more about my self, let alone, anyone else.

Thank you for this amazing opportunity to learn, to grow, and to be open and available to being less of who I think I am, and more into who I naturally know I am.

I am so utterly grateful!!

Thank you a million times over!

Gabriela

I feel extremely blessed, beyond words.

Goodnight, and thank you, thank you, thank you!!! 

I HAVE NO TITLE... THE MOMENT IS WHAT IT IS.....

I bought this divine piece of art, while in Rome, in the Vatican, for my mother.

I could write pages on my stay there, and at the Vatican, but truly, since then, I  haven't had the quality of time, to actually devote to writing about what I would call, one of the most amazing experiences of my life!

I spent my 40th birthday in Italy, and my actual birthday on the Amalfi Coast. I still feel spell bound, 4 years later, at the enormity of it all, from my heritage, to my own individual life, here, with all of it's circumstances and dwellings.

This picture digs so incredibly deep inside of me, as were most of the images in the Vatican. It made the most profound impact on my soul, one that comes to me every night before closing my eyes.

When you start to approach the Vatican, if you have any sense of spiritual connection, and probably even if you didn't, you immediately begin to start thinking of your life, the whys and how's, God, and how incredibly gorgeous, and mysterious it all is, and how ever did we get the fine, fine  opportunity to be here, and to be able to witness such sacred ground.

The art work was just unexplainable. I was in a sheer state of awe the entire time, along with a neck ache from looking up at Michael Angelo's love making on the ceiling....... I can probably tell you that I have not quite digested that trip, and too, that when I go again, I want to be alone! 

 No talking, just complete and  utter absorption in something so grand. Why waste one minute talking about it or whoa-ing about it. I just want to commune with it and let is sink deep inside of me, as I know, that those  images carry my experiences, now, to date, and it hurts that I cannot find the words to express just what it all means to me. I will die, probably trying to express what this "mystery" is, how it dwells inside of me, and how it has molded and affected my entire existence, thus far, here, in this crazy land of "Oz".

When I saw this piece, I wanted it immediately!

I thought of my mother the entire time, for reasons 1 through a hundred. My mother was a divine, divine soul. There isn't anyone she didn't cradle in her arms, take in, care for, be it a dog, cat, duck, snake, someone caught in a storm, making them a "room" in our cellar so they could be warm and safe. Friends who's homes burnt to the ground came for shelter at our home. Friends who didn't have money to eat, or families to be with, stayed at our home. Friends who's parents were not kind, reveled in "Mrs. B's" home, where humble food was cooked, and a table full of brothers and sisters sat, amongst the craziness of their lives, we still, always sat a the dinner table, in good times, sad times, crazy times, turbulent times, and that is where we came together. Mom always said a prayer, or we passed it on to any one of us that felt like we could come forward to say grace about what our lives were like, how we were grateful, and to just say, "Thank God" for love, for our family and for sticking together.

To me, my mother was the epitome of compassion, of love, and of a heart that gave beyond her own means. We didn't have money, but one thing I always say, is that I was never short of love. Although I grew up without a father, present in our lives, my mother made damn sure that she would make up for any "loss" that I may have felt. Granted, without a dad around made for some hard knocks, but today, I stand alone, with a strength in my being, very independent, and hard working, making sure that my babies are fed, first and foremost, and that I am good "upstairs" with all of life's calamities that soar my way.

My mother was divine, and she taught me the greatest love that I cannot help but to share with any and everyone.

There is something so organic about a "divine love". Someone that loves without reason. Someone that genuinely loves because that is what comes so natural.

To cradle people in times of hardship, celebrating them in their triumphs, and allowing people to just be, no matter where they are, what it looks like, and to embrace all human beings, for the individuals that they are, and not separating yourself from them, even if it seems like you are living totally separate lives.

We were hated on our block for having a family of black friends at our home. My mother adored her friend and family and basically said F.........the neighborhood and anyone else that has anything to say. She never discriminated against anyone!!!!!!!

She welcomed every last kind of person in our home, and even if she didn't believe in certain lifestyles, or situations, she welcomed them, and stretched her abilities to see things from a different perspective, given her old fashioned way.

Veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy grateful for her allowances and to love beyond ideas of what she thought was "right and wrong" and chose love and acceptance over anything, even if it hurt her!

My brother and I had friends with illness, incapacity's, retardation, slowness, major identity issues, and vulnerabilities that soared through the roof.

Mom would hang tight with our friends, and play a game of chess with them, cook for them, teach them how to make things, make pasta, make awesome meals, and share with them the possibilites, outside of their situations, but still was semi firm in, "but you can take out the trash, and dry a few dishes". Not trying to make any huge point or anything, but there was always something to make you work for, in a very rewarding way. I don't know one of my friends that left our house not feeling loved, fed, and with a teaching to boot.

After all, our house, WAS the neighborhood house, and mom was "Mrs. B, Gin, Ginny, Ma, and Mom to say the very least.

I never know what my blogs are going to be until I sit, and just put fingers to computer. I didn't know I would write about Mom tonight, and as I sit here remeniscing, tears in my eyes of a childhood with so, so many memories, definitly makes you sit back and go WOA! I mean, BIG TIME!

She didn't take sh........from anyone, especially my brothers friends who seemed so charming, and tried to woo her, but she was no dummy. She'd even say, "I got your number honey"......cute....but no cigar!! Now go to bed, empty the beer, and rest peacefully."I said........ empty the beer can", and they would totally respect her and say," Ok mom.......look............. EMPTY!!!

She gave a lot of allowances, but I look at it like, she allowed certain things to happen under her supervision, and it was better than the guys going out, and doing it somewhere else. The boys had a band and they converted the basement into a jam hall. On certain nights, mom would be home, playing chess upstairs, or doing her own thing, and Peter and Tommy would invite tons of friends over to party in the basement, get kegs of beer, and they had a stage set up. Tommy, base, Peter drums, and the other band members. Classic Rock, which remains my True Love of music to this day, was played in our basement, with a definite eclectic array of happenings. Mom gave way, and I swear, I stand by her rule of thumb. A certain allowance makes for safety and a bridge to walk on. Psychologically it takes the "fun" or mystery out of it, and then the kid has no interest in pursuing the "taboo" thing he was investigating to begin with.

I know for sure, that this will raise certain eyebrows, but as her kid, and as I know how I WAS as a kid, it worked. Allow me, and the granduer is gone.

Wild. I know! But really, the psychology is simple, if you really look at it.

All I  know is, that there was no shorteage of love in our house. We may not have had all of the luxuries that most families did, but then, really, I look at things, back then, and I go........WOW, back then, I thought I was missing things. Of course, I was a kid comparing myself with other kids, but really, honestly, when I look at my childhood, it was perfect, in all of it's imperfections!

My mother loved and adored me like nobodies business. I ate amazing, amazing, amazing authenic Italian cuisine, even if it just cost a dollar to make, it was exquisite, we had prayer, we had gratitude happening at our dinner table every single night, amongst the chaos, we shared a love outside of our differences with the 5 of us, we sat with friends in need, that no longer were in need, or feeling deprived of love, or food. We had a beautiful house, games to play with, siblings to share love and lifes journey with, we were taught manners, how to love and not be judgemental, how to serve humanity, how to serve "god", how to love everyone beyond appearances, how to cook like troopers, ( Italian troopers), how to LAUGH beyond any, any, any situation, how to be compassionate........I mean......the list goes on!!!!.

As a kid in the 7th grade, I may have thought that we were different, because I didn't have the newest clothes, or shoes, but man, oh man....... really.......I have been the most rich, rewarded child on the face of the earth.

And, might I ad, that my sister, who mothered me when mom was working 3 jobs to support us, made sure, that her baby sister had what was going on, in style and happening, to the best of her ability.

She took care of me.

She made sure of plenty, for me, in great detail, and I am utterly grateful for her stance in my life, then, and now!

Life brings on new and different challenges all of the time. New thoughts to approach, new ways of looking at things. They change all of the time!

I never think that once an idea is formed, it has to stay that way. I felt so many things yesterday that are different today.

I never want to stay so stuck in my own ideas that I will die with solid ideas of how I THOUGHT THINGS SHOULD GO.

I always want to remain humble, and open to understanding new ways in which I can be fresh, and more alive in a consciousness that, even if it doesn't fit my current ideas, it will allow me to brake through into a new way of understanding of others, my relationship with them and how to make it whole, so that come time for "lying in the hammock" of this life, I will not look back and go, " I wish I........ I shoulda.........and man.......why did I waste so much time on ...............

all of that, you see, is where my homework is.

I  have a "thesis" I am working on. It's called, "My Life".

I've lost pages. I've deleted  pages, I've cursed pages, I've cried at my written pages, that I want re-written.

Only I can re-write my own pages and make them what I want.

I have my regular work life, and.........THIS!

The..........THIS...............part, is my life!! My true life!

Work will always be work. And with the hope that someday, my inner desires, for expression, art and love, will parallel my days, and make clear, what this life really is about for me.

Until then, you and I have this tiny little blog, that maybe will reach a soul or two.

If not, it clears my conscious, and paves the way for me to do some sort of good in this world.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to my Mother, for molding me into something that I am proud of waking up to everyday.

If for nothing else, you have done good, for this one particular soul, and that is good enough for me, in this crazy, crazy calamity of a life that I am so, so good in, for all reasons mentioned above.

I love you dear sweet soul. My Mother, my confidant, my best friend, my sister, divine mother, and too, my "daughter", who needed me to listen and talk to when she had no one else to turn to.

You will always, always, be my inspiration!

Thank  you for this beautiful life!

I love you!

Always.

HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN

I went to bed last night with tears in my eyes. In a very, very good way. I cannot explain what is happening for me right now. I want to say it is in a spiritual way, but even that narrows it down to something so small, and encapsulated.
I feel so blessed that I have had the courage and tenacity, if you will, to make my life so specific, down to the T, of exactly what I love, minus a few things, and to not buy into the status quo. I am living the dream life that many would think a poor man/woman would live. It's funny, kind of, because we all have our own interpretations of what the "dream life" is.
My sense of dream life is being so full within, that anything that happens on the outside will be taken with a grain of salt, and finding a neutral way of living, that embraces everything, just in a different kind of way. I have had the BMW's, and well, the whole detailed life of wants, is great, but not the shit, by any means. Really, it is a "who cares" kinda deal, and that it is!

I have traveled extensively, feel well rounded, worldly, and do want more of that, but am finding that there is so much to do on this planet, for IT and for us and that time is passing us by and I really don't want to miss out!

I have had spiritual teachers, read  many books, studied this theory and that theory, and in the last 10 years, I have slowly molded my life to what it is that I feel works for me, what feels good, what resonates with THIS HEART, and  not what Buddha says, or what Jesus says, or any other scripture or deity. And please, don't get me wrong, I love all religions, and take what I can out of the teachings, whole hearted. All of them are beautiful, in their own right, and continually teach me how to love, to be a better person, and how to make compassion and forgiveness my best friend.

It feels so funny in a way right now, although I am moving into a new skin quite comfortably.

On my days off I usually work now, doing personal training for people who are looking to live and eat more consciously, and too, to mold their bodies into something that fits them, not necessarily wanting to look like Paris Hilton or Brad Pitt. That is never my intention. I like guiding people to a realistic way of living that is healthy, and sculpted specifically to their needs, and understanding the passions of food, luxury and just living freely in these bodies. It is an amazing passion of mine, and one that brings 100% satisfaction, not only to me, but to the ones that find their way into a new way of living, on many, many levels.

What has been "funny" to me, is the transition from guilt, and should's, to doing exactly what I love. I try not to buy into what everyone else is doing, buying into the guilt that on my days off, I want to rest in my soul, reacquaint myself, with myself, after a long week of being so out there with people, chatting away, listening to life stories, being, doing, and going. I only have so many hours on my days off, to make it exactly what I want, and I have not wanted to be with anyone, doing any thing, at all really, but drenching myself in nature, my animals, and the sounds of the earth, god......the mere sound of walking down my driveway this morning in the gravel, made me slow down a notch, just to hear the amazing sound that my running shoes make hitting the dirt and the  rock. I mean, I feel as if someone has given me a drug. I kid you not!

I feel almost addicted to my  private life, it gives me that much satisfaction, and that is just skimming the surface of expression.

I have always known, since childhood that being alone was more than OK, and sort of always felt out of place with the whole party scene, school scene, then on into clubs and such. I never had a liking for any of it. Even dating was like eh.......... although I have had my fair share of loves. Still, in retrospect is an ehhh?? Take my life now??? In this moment? I am not missing one thread! Not one single thread! That is a whole other story to tell, which I will. It's poignant, I think, for a progression in our society. One that I think needs nurturing badly.

So in part of  my feeling funny in this process, I have to tell you the details, although mundane, really is so far from what I feel, honestly!

I  had to go to the doctor this morning, and this woman takes forever to get an appointment with, but I love her to pieces. Nothing like gelling with the person who is going to see all of your stuff. Egads........... no small talk there........ but she makes it real, and funny, and is just a cool, cool person. Great for her type of work. Touche', I couldn't do it.............well......ya know what? I take that back. I do think I have a pretty good sensitivity to people and certain situations, so, I take that back. That is the second time today I under estimated my abilities for certain things. Hmmm! Good one to look at! Love it!

Anyway, I get there and I waited an hour.......... (pet peeve), only to see my ex checking out in line. Funny, I wasn't noticed. More, to my good morning. I finally get in, and the first thing that was said was, "So, you haven't had any water, food, or alcohol in the last 8 hours have you?" Well YEAH......... no one told me NOT TO HAVE ANY WATER, FOOD OR ALCOHOL............... ( I downed 2 black bean taco's when I got home late last night since I didn't get a chance to eat dinner). Well, there went my month long wait for a  doctor visit,  only to be scheduled for  yet another month away. No irritation there, I swear!! ;)

So, driving home, was a funny event. Stuff happens and makes us feel whatever. I was irritated and when I got in my little sweet "Rumi" car... ( I call it Rumi because the Mazda dealership calls my car Zumi, like zoom, zoom because it is fast........... I like Rumi........ for obvious reasons.

On my drive certain thoughts ran through my head, as usual. IT'S A DAY OFF......WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I wanted to buy flowers for the garden, say hello to my mom, (her garden), and devote most of my day to being quiet and doing yard work. Yet another passion.
Thoughts run through my head like, "You haven't been out in god knows how long", you need to  meet this one for lunch, that one for dinner, it's probably healthy for you to get out"....... I am at the restaurant most of my time, and home, if not there. Seems boring, but full, to me.

I hate the fact that there is always a clock watching that goes on.

I left the doctor, thought about all of the things that I needed to do, and simply came home to grab a bite, and went back out to train some clients.

All I wanted to do was be home!

I trained, came home and looked around like, wow, my sacred abode....... I want to spend time in you!

A friend stopped over, picked up some walking sticks that I made that her mother wanted to buy, and I asked her to go for a walk with me with a few of the dogs. I hadn't even taken the dogs yet, on my day off. Yes, they aren't too happy either.

We went for a walk and it is always interesting when people come to my home. They see a different side of me, not on, not anything really, just me, and it either makes them feel uncomfortable, or they question, why would someone like "Gabriela" want to be so alone like this?"

I took her on one of my many walks with the dogs, showed her my "trail", and shared what it is that makes my days, outside of work. I wish I could express the look on her face, and  how, for the most part, she was trying to digest something that she couldn't quite get a hold of.

Honestly, I don't blame her, because, like my heading, "HONESTLY I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN",  it truly is like that!

The simplicity of my days  are so laden with .........well, let's see, what word shall we choose...........Truth? Consciousness...............Love? I don't really have a label for it, but it transforms me more and more everyday, and when I stick to that, no matter who is around, it becomes this extra, extra ordinary thing, because whoever is around, experiencing my daily life, is now affected, and is sharing their experiences.
It is almost an overload of joy, of something I cannot put a word or expression to.

We came home. She wound up asking what I was doing for Christmas, and again, I felt out of sorts. I mean, who doesn't do stuff on  Christmas? I said, ya know, "Nothin probably", I may get a tree. And even that was a question. I felt odd expressing my private thoughts, as that comes rare. She said, "Why?". I said, "even in my relationships, they would go home and I would stay home, reveling in sawing down dead trees for firewood, being quiet, making fires in the fire pit, or fireplace, walking the dogs, and just..........plain ol' being!" There certainly was a thought process going on there. Maybe not, just my assumption.
Well, she left, and I had to take a break. I honestly was in overload of emotion. The amount of Truth that had revealed itself to me was tiring almost, and I was feeling odd that I didn't really accomplish that much for the day.

I took my brown fuzzy blanket upstairs out onto my deck, grabbed my pillow, and layed underneath the stars and moon that were so, so blazing. I tried to relax but the moon was killin me........it had to be seen closer.

I hoisted my telescope up there, and man.............. I mean really............. I didn't think I could actually cap off the day, in so far as realizations and depth. How I wish I could articulate what soared through this body!!

I took it all in, layed down, and tried to settle a curious mind that was running so ramped.

I fell asleep for a short while. I woke up and immediately looked up. Looked around, and felt so omniscient.

I immediately started crying for reasons unknown. All I do know is that there is an unknown force whispering great "nothings" to me, and they are so god darn potent that it takes me awhile to digest, and even in my down time, some things are so great, that I don't really get them, and that is what drives me to be alone, to get back to "that" or "it" that was telling me a Universal story that would honestly, make or brake my understanding of my time here. After all, that really is my private goal or  passion. I yearn to "get it". I could care less about the buck.............

I came downstairs to open my mail........."something normal", and found a postcard, hand painted, from my Uncle Dick, again.

I have to tell you that when seeing his cards or letters, it makes me light up like nothing other!!!!!!

I stare at it and say, "I wanna open it when I am in the right mood", not hurrying, or multi-tasking.

So. I took it out on the back deck, in the night air, crickets going crazy, the moon howling, and it's light shimmering on the lake.......

I know that when reading his letters, it will be honest, and pure in thought. He genuinely and lovingly speaks of my mother, and his wife, Aunt Mary, who she and my mother both adored like none other.

He feels my mother through me, and actually, I feel him and my mother, AND, Aunt Mary through him.
He gets me! He gets my love, and where I am coming from. I can't say that for too many people, maybe two, or three.

He wrote at the end of his letter, "Do what you do best-Love-Love-Love_

Love your Circumstances-
Love your Life-
Love your Friends-
Love your Work-
Love your Animals-
Love your Abilities-
Love your Family-

You, Joni, ARE LOVE!

It capped my evening, and still, I sit here in total bewilderment, at love, how grandiose it is, and how, really, I never seem to find the words, that would be eloquent enough to express the grandeur of my being.

There are things happening that are great, but not yet understood, and yet, understood, on some level.

My days are filled with question, and they get answered, sometimes.
Sometimes not, which fuels the fire for the following days.

Things are being revealed to me in such a way that if I don't stay on top of things, truly, it will pass me by, and the orgasm of life will  pass me by, and the last thing I want is to have some great thing slip by me, without my permission, and then, to carry on a story that I won't be privy to.

That just isn't going to happen.

I am so passionate about this life and all that it has to offer..............

I am indebted to my Mother, who chose to carry me, contrary to so many beliefs, back then.

Thank you Mom..........thank you so much for everyday, every moment, that you show me true life!

I am forever indebted!

~