DEVOTIONAL PRACTICE

I don't know where this blog will take me tonight. I knew that I needed to sit and write, and as always, there are a million things to write about, so little time, and every once in awhile I glance over at the clock and say, "Shit..... it's late, I can't write tonight.......".

There are always so many things to do, to accomplish, dogs to attend to and such.....

I'm not obsessed with having things done in a timely manner, yet, I do love to be productive, and don't have an investment in checking things off on my to do list, at least I hope not after years and years of condensing my should and shouldn'ts into a big trash can that I set on fire, to set ablaze ideas that just don't need to be with me any longer.

I am in a major state of awe tonight for so many reasons.

I found a gift in my box at work tonight. It was a CD from a friend. A Christmas gift. So surprising and lovely.
I took it home with me tonight and have been listening to it since I  have gotten home.
I love the fact that listening to this music brings me closer to my friend, but not only that, connects me to her soul, the one that I knew was ablaze when we met. The CD also has reminded me of who I am, what I love, and the tenderness of Truth. How incredibly pure it all is and how it is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in my life. It IS MY LIFE!

It is very rare that I go out of  my way to spend time with people. I get enough of people at work , which is such a blessing for me in so many gorgeous ways, but at the end of the night, I cradle the moments that I will be home, with my animals, in silence........no noise, no hustle...........just simple......simple.......simple!

I have an extremely private life, and when I do venture out to spend time with people, it is going to be because you equal special in my life.
That may sound fa fi fa, as my sister and I call it. I am not pompous in any way shape or form, just very specific with my time, who, what, and where's.........
I don't have a lot of time and so I want my spare time to be laden with goods.......pure goods that will sustain my energy and elevate people.

I know what that equates for me. It's a pretty simple formula, yet it is potent beyond belief.

I have been experiencing so many things that almost have no words to describe the enormity of it all.

It is a huge disappointment for the writer in me who NEEDS to find the right words to express this crazy, crazy love that I am experiencing, but not for the soul who just GETS IT and is fine with WHAT IS!

I have come to realize, more and more, how my devotional practice dictates my moments, my hours, my days, my every, every, every thing.

It affects my decisions, my relationships, my "plans" for where I might be headed.......I mean really, there are a ton of things.

There are things that come at us from all directions, pulling us to go one way or the other.

I find that when I am connected to who I am inside, and am OK with letting ideas go, not glomming onto them, that I soar to heights that baffle the sh...........outa me!

Right now, I cannot seem to articulate what it truly is that I am experiencing, and it IS a lot.

Remnants of my past make me learn and grow and keep me current on so many things.

Then you meet the person that you have missing all of this time, and you wonder how God can be so darn gracious!

How will it all be orchestrated?

Again, I close my eyes........

It is none of my business!

I don't want to know, to be honest.

The glory of my days are reveling in the moment and letting life unfold in all of it's glory.

I completely trust this process. So much so that I have to take several "God" breaks to check in with myself to see if I have actually gone to heaven, or if it is actually "heaven" that I am living in............modern day........ serious........... seizing my moments so much so that God is  using me in the biggest of ways, to live out this life in the most conducive and genuine ways.

He is bringing me the people, revealing the places, and at the same time, tickling me to death, reminding me of how fleeting this all is!

How it will all be gone in a flash.

I have a responsibility to myself.

That responsibility is to stay true to myself.

In staying true to myself, I bring about change.

I bring a fierce consciousness to the table that needs to be gulped up.

I need quiet to digest what it is that I need to be doing in order to make that consciousness come to life, and to make it a reality.

I don't sneeze at any of my visions.

They are real, thought out, and  precise.

I am a warrior that will fight for what I believe in.

There is so much to be done..........

I rest in the knowing that I am one that will accomplish the things that need to be done in order to promote happiness, growth, change, and transformation.

How that will show up for me is always a surprise, and too, a luxury.

I bow in sheer gratitude for the allowance to live in a life that is so free.

How lucky am I to be able to write this blog, so freely....... to say whatever it is that I want and send it out into the ether's..... my own thoughts........ unedited............with no expectations............just a free love............. sharing it's grandeur............

I'm overwhelmed, to say the least.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this life.............for my very existence...........for being born into such a complex world that has challenged me enough to question so many things, to keep me alive, so very much alive........

never stale.....I swear.......

God is so good to me!

I court my God ..............

I forever court my God........

I will forever open his door, send him flowers, write him poetry, swing him around, dancing freely.............

My smile is will always be big.......... greeting him with open arms.......... sharing my tender heart.......

because

I love............ really............... just love..........period!

It is the one thing that I can be sure of.............for myself............

that my love will never run dry............

it is an oasis.........

and so  unexplainable

that I must just finish this sentence

and go..........

I never want to water down this love.

~

GOING THROUGH THE EMOTIONS.....

BUT....

Being objective!

It is hard these days to find a spot where we can actually sit back in a recliner and touch the remote, to our own lives, to be able to watch from an objective place, and to be able to view things as they are, which to me, is a movie.

It takes a diligence, and a willingness to want to know something beyond what seems to be.

My life is changing at a rapid rate, yet, when I really look at it, it is moving in succession with what has been asked for, by me, and as long as I keep up to snuff, and am honest with what it is that I have asked for, and acknowledge the gifts in what is presented, I will be sailing on a huge boat of happiness.

There are so many details in my life right now, so many significant signs, so many gifts from God that I want to sit for hours upon  hours to tell you, in all of it's glory, how it is changing me, and strengthening my core, and opening me up to places that are devoid of ideas. Did I say devoid of ideas??? I think so. Can I say that again........DEVOID OF IDEAS!

Today I found myself saying that, "Even my own reality is blowing me away".

I don't usually say that about my life. I am so used to it being very eclectic in it's way, and somehow find myself giggling at the absurdity of it all, but these days, I'm goin" , "Holy Crap".......WTF.........

Situations and events present themselves and I find myself listening deeply to the intuition that I most love, and trust implicitly.

It's so wild how I have come so acute and privy to the workings of my inner world.

It really isn't anything that complex. It is ever changing and if I don't stay abreast it will take me on a ride to hell, and I will be that typical American that says, "Why me?". I ain't going for that stuff.......I'm sorry!!!!

Take responsibility. I have to take responsibility for my feelings, my emotions, my reactions and know that it has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. If I dare blame anyone else, I am setting myself up for some fierce disappointment.

I had a long day today. I was off, but had to get up for a court appointment, which turned out incredible, in my favor........that is always good..........

and then I came home and started doing all of the things I love to do, and honestly felt like I had a piece of heaven sliced for me and put on a silver platter.

I had a million and one thoughts and I said to myself, "When I write my blog, I will spill the beans". But really it has to come when the time is ripe. There is so much to convey and being rushed or with little time just doesn't make it for a good story, or at least, enough to be present to the point I like to tell a true, good love laden story.

I will have to catch you up little by little.

I feel as if my life has changed 200%. All good, and rewarding to say the least.

I am in love, without a doubt.

How's that for a one liner.

Chew on that, and don't, don't inundate me with the who, what, where, and how's.

You know I will spoon feed you.

If I kept it from you it would be too weird.

God is good to me, and answers all of my prayers.

Good things come to those who deserve it.

I would have never said this about myself, but I will now.

I DESERVE GREAT, GREAT LOVE.

And......I am getting it.

Thank you heavens above!

I love you all and thank you for being patient with me not writing consistently.


I am here.......experiencing life, like everyone......digesting.......and marching forward in very high ways.

Thank you for supporting my blog, and for loving me in all the ways that you do.

Tons of love and warmth,
Gabriela

HATE TO SOUND SO CLICHE"....

JUST

DO

IT!

QUIT

TALKING

ABOUT

IT

AND

JUST

DO

IT!

~

REMAINING STILL..........

n

STAYING TRUE

If staying true to yourself
meant
risking
"it all"
what would
that
"ALL"
BE?

Is it
just
this
or that
or is it
really
the
"ALL".

Is staying
true
trepidation?

You either
risk
or
you
don't.

You can't
jump
and
in
mid
air
want to put
one foot
back
on land.

You either
say
yes
and
free fall
or
you
are
not
yet
ready.

Either one
is OK.

just
naming
it
is
the
free fall.

I'm
on
the
edge.

Love
just
can't
seem
to
hold
me
down.

~

THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT WANT...........

........people that don't realize that they want things from you. They think it is genuine love, and concern, but it isn't. It is a wanting that shows up.
There is no need to want from me.
I am only here to give love..............
not anything else............. I am not here for anything else...........  unless I tell you otherwise.

Please, do not make my genuine love into something that it is not!!!

I am not a flirt, someone that needs to say things for a reaction. I tell it like it is, and if you happen to misinterpret, that is your thing.............

I genuinely am here to spread and share love, not to play a game, or lead you in some stray direction for some self absorbed reason. I'd rather shoot myself, in all honesty!

I get countless comments via email ...........they blow me away.

I am me............Gabriela...................a regular person..............not this "thing", or untouchable........... I am here, just like you..doin' my work.
I am not the "thing" you think I am.
I am regular.
Just like you.

I have done some extensive work and it has been incredible......

but know........... I am still...........and always will be........... a work in progress..........and never will be.........anything less..............

There are those that have very specific opinions about me.........and you should know that I am right there with you...doing my regular work........... hashing out the same things that need work in order for us to move forward........

I am not better, or greater, or anything like that..............

I am simply me.........with the same questions, the same fervor, the same insatiable desire to know what the hell is going on here..........

So please, humbly, do  me this favor........don't categorize me as something special, someone that has something that you don't, because I have what you have............and that is LOVE!

Look within to see what you have that is going to take you to the higher.........

I am always here to support higher consciousness, but not to make any assumption that I am someone or something that will take you to where you need to be.

That is your own trek.

It is all individual.

I am here, just like you, discovering my own individual ride.

I will hold your hand, but I am no means, the teacher.

A friend......... and a supporter..............but nothing greater.

Thank you for the ability to express!

~

I FEEL SO LUCKY THESE DAYS.......

.......and really,  not only these days, but I pan back on my life and go.........WOW............. really! Amongst all of the stuff that gets thrown at me on this journey, I know in my heart that I have to look beyond those mishaps, and see the gems in them. And not only the gems in them, but the gems everywhere I turn, or look, in my life.
I love when I am feeling so acute to my surroundings, my inner realm, what that means for me, what direction it shows me I am going in, aware of all the people in my life, and what they all mean, able to see the finer tuned things that speak to me in ways that unveil bits and pieces of me and why I am here and how I can forge forward, against any and all odds, to do what it is that I need to do here,  no matter how big or small.

Life has recently given me the most beautiful gems, has taken me out of my box of ideas, that I actually thought were good, and conducive, and healthy, and yet, I feel as if the volcano has erupted and I am experiencing life, in a fresh and crisp new way.
For lack of better words, I feel as if a volcano has erupted and the hot lava that trickles down onto the earth is my heart, my passion for life, and my love for love..........and I am able to let the love shine, and grow and cultivate into some amazing relationships.
Using words to describe this, is by far a huge disappointment, just because I haven't really found any words or expression that touches the reality of what it all is for me at this point and time. I hate to feel as if I  have failed, especially with words. To be able to articulate such a grand love, is by far, one of my favorite past times, and not even a past time really, just a passion to spell out what love is, in all of it's facets.

Love is unexplainable to me. God's precious gifts to me are unexplainable. Everyday, it is a joy to wake up to see just what is going to be presented for me. God knows I am open, and honest, and willing to take on good things, not just for me, but for the whole.
I ask to be used as some sort of vehicle for love, for global awareness, for spiritual awakening, to spread how it all means so much, and if we all do some small part, things WILL EVENTUALLY COME TOGETHER.
This year is going to be filled with active ways to get closer to that nirvana for me. To be able to make bold moves to get to where I think change will happen, and will make a difference.

I am attracting beautiful souls, situations that are supporting my beliefs, and that are willing to take risks to get closer to who they are, and what they are about, and fortunately for me, that equals my path, and similar ideas on how to raise a consciousness that will rock this planet........move people, and allow a better understanding of how we can live in a joy, amongst all of the crap, and elevate others, and their way of living, so that all of this doesn't seem like such an arduous trek, about paying bills, or robbing Peter, to pay Paul.

I have thoughts, and big ones, and they have been planted in a huge garden that is just about to blossom like nobodies business.

I feel so lucky these days for  my life, again, and again, and again, for all situations that have brought me closer to who I am, and away from the false, and for God sending me angels, that have stolen my heart, and have allowed me to open up so much more to trusting, and loving, and relating in beautiful ways that I could never possibly articulate.

I am so very grateful for everything that is transpiring in my world.

Thank you heavens above for watching my back.

I continue to be in great, great awe.

I love all of you and thank you for always responding to what seems to be your calling as well, not just mine.

Holding your hand the whole way.

All my love,
Gabriela

EVENING GATHA

Let me respectfully remind you~
Life and death are of supreme
importance.
Time swiftly
passes by
and
opportunity is
lost.
Each of us
should strive
to
awaken...
AWAKEN!
Take heed....
Let us not
SQUANDER
OUR
LIVES!

~

BREAKING OUT OF MY OWN BOX

Faces
Disappear
into the
light.

I sink
deep
into
a
cushion
of
a reality
so real
seemingly
tangible
yet far
so far
away.

The back round
reminiscent of
my past.

I smile
objectively
and praise
growth.
Praise
time
and
the willingness
to change.

I praise the
word
YES!

I praise
my small
mind
that isn't small
anymore.

The mind
that was set
just hours
before

and stuck in
decision
and
opinion.

I'm not the same.

I'm not the same
from 6 o'clock on.

I have people
to thank
who would
never
think
they had
anything to do
with my flight.

I have much thanks
to a myriad
of "ghosts"
in my world
who are
seemingly
insignificant
yet
significant.

I "wrong" myself
all too much
in favor of
what is right
and what is
wrong.

I knock myself
down
24/7
crashing
old ideas
that
no longer
belong.

Compassion finds me
as it knows
how I beckon
it so.

Compassion
brought it's army
with it
tonight.

It showed up
ready to
fight.

My arms
down
with total surprise.

Wadya doin here?
As if there were no room
to fight for more
understanding.

There has been
a
crashing
and Compassion
won a huge
battle
tonight.

Compassion
kicked
my
ass.

Touche'
you crazy
crazy
persistent fool.

I know
you seek me out
because you hear me
in my silent moments
call you
yell out
to you
to swallow me
whole
and to take
anything
from me
that doesn't
belong.
You've done good
compassion,
you are ON IT
and have taken me
for a ride.
Tonight
it was you and I
and a mystery woman.
You bare gifts
that are sometimes
 hard to
take.

I'm receiving
you.
I get it.
Just please
don't stop!
I'm here
for the gift.
Just  please
allow me
to give back
this most
precious
chain
of love
and
allow me
to melt
in your pool
of surrender.
I am quite sure
that this is
the only
place
I have found
total
comfort
in living.

I don't care
where it is
I just ask
to always
have that house
full of this life
that sustains me
and takes me
away from it all
and into your arms
of
love.
the pure love
that I crave
and cherish
most.

Thank you
once again
for giving me
life
outside
of
ideas.

I am
forever
indebted.

~

ARMS WIDE OPEN......HANDS WAY UP...... STRETCHING.......

GOD LIFE IS A PHENOMENON!!!

I am so in love with my life........with all of it's colors.......it's differences.....it's learning curves........ all of the things that are supposed to grab a hold of me, to keep me down........... or make it seem like life is hard......and yes, it can be, but after experimenting, and experimenting........... I'm gettin a good hold of how it all works and I have to be honest.......I am giggling to high heaven........that I haven't been tripped up, at least as much as I had in the past.
I mean, it is pretty darn significant.

I love the fact that everyday, I wake up and wonder what I have learned the night before. It turns me on, for lack of better expression, but that IS what it is............ I'm not lookin' for diamonds, or the greatest trip abroad, or gifts upon gifts.......I'm lookin to see what I have learned....... how I can see the beauty in evolution...........I mean we have been given this tiny span of time, to do with it what we want, and man, I have screwed up big time........ but I love that! I love that I  have fallen hard enough to be able to be passionate enough, to wonder what is beyond the fall...........and to me.........beyond the fall is where it is at.

When you can shed tears because you know the choices you have made were maybe not the right ones, but realize that they were beneficial to your growth and that you have taken gems from them, and have been able to make different choices, to change, and to grow into more of who you are, outside of those ideas is .......GOD...........CRAZY BEAUTIFUL............CRAZY TRUTH.............. and bold...........because you are staying true to who you are inside, outside of what may seem to be, or what people expect of you.

 When I leave my  house for work, I gather my things. My lunch tote........ and all of the things that I will need to sustain me in work and well........... I have this routine, which is good............I like consistency......... (my sister would choke right now).......I feel like I have my life, in the morning, which is so simple, yet rewarding, to say the very least......... so god damn exquisite, and then when I look at the clock, and it is nearing time for me to get dressed and wind down to put on a different hat, there is a sadness that happens, that I have to leave my oasis, and have to come down to regular life, as it is, very.......well.........very........ cerebral, very disturbing, to be honest.........to see the reality of  human nature, and how it fights to feel comfortable, to be able to get along with others, and just to be OK with itself, alone.......... what a wild ride............and understanding that not many people want to explore outside of a bold comment.

My body is electric with a consciousness that is yelling.........screaming...........and too, whispering the amazing Truth's that are happening for me, and revealing a part of me that I honestly have to digest in my  moments of quiet.

I feel as if my arms are wide open, my hands are high in the air, as if I were to be grabbing onto something so tangible............but it clearly, is not.

The mystery behind love is not tangible at all, and if you can get that, and be OK with it, the mystery will take you on a hunt, a bloody search for a Truth that seems insatiable.........yet  you know you will be satisfied in some odd way, that will be "semi" important on your life's journey........maybe, given extra thought, you will know just how important it all really was........and will give credence to the ladder.............

We truly are........ALL..........SEARCHING...............when it really comes down to it......that is what it is......
we all want to know answers...... we want validity........... we want to know that we will be blanketed with a love that will carry us to our death beds...............

This we cannot be sure of.........at least on the outside............what I do know, for  myself, is that, love is always available, ready to change, or not change us........... it is palpable.

We can manuever in this world as we wish.......no need to apologize.

It is what we want it to be.........right? I mean, RIGHT?

MY ARMS ARE WIDE OPEN............
MY HANDS
WAY UP
IN
TOTAL
SURRENDER!

I want to stretch this soul to the extremes.

Thank you for all of your Truths.
I feel indebted!

Gabriela

TIRED OF SPEAKING SWEETLY....

Love wants to reach out and  man handle us!!!
Break all our tea cup talk of God.

If you had the courage and could give
The Beloved
His choice,
some nights,
He would just
drag you around the room
by your hair,
ripping from
your grip
all those toys
in the world
that bring you
no joy!

Love
sometimes
gets tired
of
speaking
sweetly
and wants to
rip
to shreds
All your
erroneous
notions
of
Truth
that make you
fight within
yourself
and with others
causing the
world
to weep
on too many
fine, fine
days.

God wants to
man handle us.

Lock us inside of
a tiny room
with Himself
and practice
His
Drop kick!

The Beloved
sometimes
wants to do us
a huge favor:

to hold us
upside down
and shake
all of the  nonsense out!

But when we hear
He is in such a "playful
drunken
mood"

most everyone
I know
quickly packs
their bags
and
hightails it
outa town!
~

EVERY CALLING........

IS GREAT

WHEN

GREATLY

PURSUED.

~

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN..........

WOW............It has been so long since I  have written, and quite honestly, don't know really where to start.

I thought I would start slow, and try to catch up on what has been happening over here in Gabriela-ville.

I haven't written since early November so there will be some heavy sifting going on........to recap all that has transpired, in a million different ways.

So many little things, yet the meaning is huge behind them.

I recently have been getting requests for updates on my Uncle Dick, and wanting continuous feedback about our lives, how we spend it, how we got there, and the amazing connection we have all of these miles apart.

I will have to say, first and foremost, that especially at this point in time in my life, I am so in love with the old school way of sharing love.

Letters are so beautiful because you actually are sitting to write your thoughts out, feeling the essence of that person, thinking of them whole, not missing any detail.

There is just so, so much to be said here...........honestly.......... we take so many people for granted, and being together with people regularly always seems to kind of create that comfort where, little by little, that spark, that light, and all of the things that are mystical, magical, and lovely, simmer down, and there you are left with a dull point...........not able to "write" as sharply, or even feel your sentences.......... it becomes quick, hurried, lackadaisical.........and merely not thought out.

I yearn to find a balance in every aspect of my life, and at different times, it seems challenging, and most times, these days, I am left alone to keep things real, not compromising my love, my innocence or anything really, for that matter, so that I can live in a place that is objective, pure, and full of a life that I think matters, one that remains in that innocence, lives it, and is not afraid of anyones thoughts about it, because, believe you me, (that is so my Mom)........opinions fly like nobodies business.

I pat myself on the back for that these days. People are so funny. They don't really know what to do with it all, so they fill up space, and time, and every bit of their moments, chatting away, making commentaries, and not really even thinking of the possibilities that are in such a way of living.

It's OK,  honestly. I have come such a long way in that I smile at it, and well.........it just is what it is.

What I do know, is that when I am soaking in that greatness, it takes me to a place that solidifies my daily choice to just shut the hell up..........to be quiet, more often than not, and to embrace ALL THINGS with that objectivity, that love that speaks to me in such enormous ways, when.........I am quiet.

My life boils down to that formula for EVERYTHING!! If I don't have that, everything becomes muffled, I can't hear the call, can't see or find that intuitiveness that guides me to my next moments, that allow me to just be, without "having to "do".

Life is ever changing. I can be doing just fine, and think I am exactly where I need to be, even if it is fabulous, and life will shower me with again, with even more gifts and gems and diamonds and so mannnnnyyyy beautiful things, and again, I will find out how to create that balance, yet again, no matter what comes my way.

I think as long as I always know my place, in my heart, and soul, and know my purpose here, and what all that entails, there is nothing that could ever come my way, good, bad, or indifferent, that I would not be able to handle or embrace.

I have had a recent discovery that once again, has allowed me to crush any and all ideas that I may have about myself, about just who I think I am and what that looks like.

I happen to love my life, in such an exquisite way, and yes, there are always going to be those times where I think, "Well, yes, I love my simple life and I pan over it in my head, and somehow, good ol' Jeanie wants to pop outa the bottle and tantalize you with some desire or some THING that you think you really need or want because, IT IS A "MUST" after all, right? hahah

Could be anything......... money for a blah, blah, blah........... a better paying job.......... one little thing over here, and well, how bout just that one more thing.........and then the list starts to build.

So, in the last few years I have designed my life to be just as it is right now. Amazingly simple, spent alone, diving deep into my soul, finding all of the beautiful answers I have been searching for, the experiences to go along with it, the magnitude of this existence and how that translates to me as a soul, simple treasures, my dogs, the lovers that they are, my walks, cooking, my music, working out in a way that is just natural, and not for anyone or anything, but because it feels good, and allows that space inside to be fertile for all of the deeper things that want so badly to seep into these pours, this amazing consciousness that is beckoning me day after day after day.

These are all great things to me. Sounds perfect to me!!!

And then God whispers to me.......... actually, I take that back.........this time he screamed from the freakin heavens sayin............... "GABRIELA, IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME UP ON THIS OFFER, THIS BEAUTIFUL GIFT, THAT I AM ABOUT TO PLOP DOWN IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, I WILL BE ASSURED THAT YOU WERE JUST LYING  THROUGH YOUR TEETH WHEN YOU SAID YOU TRUSTED ME WHOLE HEARTED.

He tried to "use" a friend of mine years ago, to slip in this gift, but at the time I was way to entranced with believing that my life was what it was, and believed it all to be REAL, and in that time frame, my hands were covering my eyes, nose, ears and those same hands, were held tight behind my back, unable to be in any kind of place to receive any type of gift, let alone one.

I see that he attempted several times to give me the same gift and really I might as well have said, (which I did, unconsciously) NO............NO .........GO AWAY! I don't need  no stinkin' gifts............I have plenty already, so just turn around and go back to where you came from.

WOW, I mean, really........... I remember hearing me tell a friend........ NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND NO!

Then, I had very strong ideas about what I wanted or didn't want, and sure enough.........I kept my world very closed off, and my  life was empty in so many ways, and always, on the perimeters of my world, were all of these blazing stars, gifts, sparkling gems, you name it..............ready to love me, to embrace who I was, in all of my "Gabriela ~ ness", and still................ MY IDEAS KEPT ME FROM LIVING MY AUTHENTIC LIFE, IN MY AUTHENTIC WAY.

In  more blogs to come I will spell out all of those things, but for now, and for tonight, I will just say, that God spoke to me, again, how gracious he is.............. and kind of threw the bait down again for me.............. and this time I stood up and laughed and yelled as loud as I could......HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FOOL ME THIS TIME................ GO AHEAD..........THROW THE GIFT DOWN.............. I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT TRUST IS.............. I HAVE LIVED THE LAST TWO YEARS DOING SOME HOMEWORK PAL..........GO AHEAD............ THROW IT DOWN............ THROW IT DOWN.................

Well..........he threw it down alright!!!

I am FREE FALLING in the most precious, beautiful Trust there is , and without second guessing a thing, my life is changing drastically, and honestly, I have been laughing my ass off............ giggling at how complicated we make life, and how if we all do....really trust in the bigger scheme of things, GOD ALWAYS REWARDS US WITH WHAT WE DESERVE...............so much so that he details and contours everything to the bone, and leaves you standing there like...................HOLY CRAP.............. why the hell didn't I do this all those years ago???
For me, I have to know and to feel, with every cell in my being, that I am honoring and respecting my self, and others, and living the most pure, untainted and authentic life, so that I am not always searching for something that is outside of myself, but am being PRESENT TO WHAT IS, and in that, there never really is any searching to do. IT IS RIGHT HERE, WHERE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN..........INSIDE.......... !!

There are a million stories to catch you up on and I truly feel like I have just skimmed the surface tonight, knew I had to start somewhere.

Thank you for all of your beautiful emails and wanting so much to be a part of my blogs. As much as it seems that it helps you, it is much more of a gift for me, to be able to share so candidly, the events, and circumstances that happen in my daily life that help  me to become more of who I am and less of what seems to be.

Enjoy the howling of the wind tonight............ it is speaking in great volumes to me.

Goodnight and love to you all.

Gabriela

GOODNIGHT BEAUTIFUL SOULS

I wanted to say goodnight, and too, to tell all of you out there how amazing you are! Life really has no bad in it.
Yes, circumstances are what they are, but either we can choose to move through it and start on a new page, or we stay with the torn and tethered, and trust me, it can get to a place of really tethered. I've been there.

I also know that there are creative ways out, conducive ones, and simple little treasures that will  honestly, take you to a place of knowing, really what this is all about and that once there, believe me, you are afraid you will never return again.

Those aren't spiritual words, just simple Truths that may take you a long, long distance.........a real one........... uncomplicated, and straight to the point.

My morning this morning spoke volumes to me. I went on several walks, and I had to literally bow down in sheer gratitude.

Sometimes I think, why do I write all of this? It gets so darn innocent that probably, no one would believe me or  maybe they would just deem me something, and back to regular life I go, trying to not care about all of the millions of opinions there are, and for so many reasons.

I get both lives, how they are, and in that, I choose a different path, one that will catapult me forward, into an abyss of Truth that hopefully will swallow me up, and I won't have to feel guilty for trying to come back, to get "good" with people, or to just be around people because it is healthy.

It is SO wild to me!!!

I went to the mailbox, and there, happy as a lark, I saw, yet another postcard from my Uncle Dick.

I kind of do the same thing, again and again. I usually walk down with one of the dogs, on our walk. I check the mail, and when I see his letters, I get all excited, and shut the  mailbox, and wait until I return from my walk so that I can sit and be present with it, as it is probably one of the biggest highlights in my day, amongst many other gorgeous things, and happenings.

Sometimes I wait hours upon hours, and think about it sitting there on the table, but just don't want to read it, ever, in a hurried mode. It will never, ever warrant reading while multi-tasking.

I usually take my coffee outside under the tree, sit with the dogs, and read ever so slowly, and have to say, his writings are so eloquent, so deep, so passionate, about life, the simple life, that is, how doing service is key to him, and how putting a smile on someones face is what he goes for everyday, and just, well, so many, many things.

I'll quote some, I am sure he won't mind.

First off, the postcards are his paintings, and he knows my heart, and each one that he sends is different. He usually writes what he thinks I will love about each one, and by god, he is always dead on!

I'm going to pick snip it's, his letters are long, yet not to me, but for my blog, I'll just grab a few things. Mind you, it isn't really WHAT he writes, although it is always, without a doubt so sincere, authentic, and real, it is his unwanting heart, his steadfast devotion to a higher love that speaks volumes. He never has to prove himself, and just reeks of a purity that only comes around once in a lifetime. That, to me, is freedom!

Dearest Joni,
It's a rainy two days here, much needed, we've been in drought. Sometimes I love the rain, sometimes not. I read your blogs and gain new insights into my Joni with each one. You are so comfortable in your own skin. How hard that is to achieve and how wonderful for you. You are not allowing others to guide you or to mess with your own Utopia. Wonderful. Inspiring!
The hospital I volunteer in has been moderately busy, lots of elderly fighting old age ailments and plenty of bug like stuff...  not my favorite.....but if I can get a smile from them in my quest to make them more comfortable, then I am "Paid in Full"......That is what that is all about!

I bet when you opened this envelope and saw the card  you found yourself a special place in the hay on the second floor, a great place to muse.
I have to tell you of a happiness that I received yesterday.
All of my life there was, in my fathers attic, an old violin in an old wooden case, dirty and spattered. The violin was dull, no bridge, only a few tangled strings, the neck a little loose, and the bow in like repair-it has recently come into my hands, as providence would have it. It looked at it, it was a shambles-Now, Tom's eldest daughter (his son), Anna, has been playing violin for a number of years, and is getting pretty accomplished-just auditioned and was accepted into a junior county Orchestra.
So... now I had this old violin, and thought Wow! This might be great if I could get IT and Anna together. I was able to find a man, an old world violin repair-restore-man-After meeting him I knew he would be the person to take on the challenge of restoring the violin. He immediately told me where the instrument was made, Austria, Bavaria and that it was born in the 1870's or 1880's, that it was no Stradivarius, but he opined it was a good sounding piece and worth restoring. We agreed on a price, and  yesterday, picked up the violin-
What a job he did. How lovingly and caringly he was, the violin looks so beautiful. He cleaned up a hundred years of dirt and grime and re glued reattached, added missing parts and  played a couple of chords. It sounds, to this ear, excellent. The restorer feels it has many years of use ahead. The violin is good, the bow, extra ordinary, he repaired that too. He loves the whole package! Me too!
Next week I am going to Virginia attending The Marine Ball as guest of Tom and Linda on the 10th, which is the Marine Corp birthday.
I will be giving the violin to Anna as a family heirloom. Entrusting it's care and future to her, and the generations that follow her. I feel so happy about this, and wanted to share it with you.
My darling, my sweet lady, My Joni, Love you so, so, so much. Uncle Dick

Note: My ancestors came to the U.S. from Austria/Bavaria.......It all clicks.............

I cannot tell you how enmeshed I get reading his letters. Very, very detailed, always about his experiences with giving and how amazing it makes him feel, how his heart just swells knowing someone will be happy, that he was able to make someones day.
I get it. It is an unexplainable feeling to know that something so pure hearted may be received with an even bigger heart, and that it's ripple affects are worth so much to me and to others, it almost pains me.

I read his letters and it takes everything away, any kind of mundane thought, any kind of worry about the next moment, because in that sort of presence, and in that kind of love, there really is no next moment. It is all about a love and the moments of feeling them, and feeling, too, whole hearted, the experience of the recipient, and knowing that it will do some sort of good, without any expectation, just a bleacher view of some great happening.

God, I am full tonight.........so full of a love that is deepening inside of me. The more I find my place here, in my little nitch, the more I couldn't ask for anything more.

Innocence calls me, and everything else, really just pales in comparison.

Everyday, I revel in my own simple delights, and know them to be honest, real and true. A divinity that my soul soaks up like a sponge.

My days and my nights are short. They are specific. I almost cannot believe the enormity in the simplest of acts.

I can hear the opinions and it makes me want, even more, to separate myself, and to relish in it, swim in it, and disappear into the grandeur of it all................

My heart is ablaze with a love that has no name!

Thank you so much for this beautiful life.

~

UNLESS.......

you are centered,
unless,
you know
who
you
are,
you cannot
really
relate.
The relationship
that goes on
without
self knowledge
is
just
an
Illusion!
~

I HAVE SO MANY TITLES.........

.......I don't know which to choose.

CHANGE IS HAPPENING
FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY
ENTER THE MYSTERY
DON'T HOLD ONTO PAST IDEAS
EMBRACE LOVE, WHEN IT COMES KNOCKING, (Even if you're scared shitless)
WHAT THE HELL?
IS THIS FOR REAL?
STAYING TRUE, IN THE MIDST OF........
TAKING THE TRAIN RIDE
LOVING OLD SCHOOL
I'LL WRITE YOU A LETTER INSTEAD
SERENDIPITY
TRUSTING INTUITION
FOLLOWING YOUR HEART
ENERGY BAFFLES ME

I mean............. these are the titles that are playing like a ping pong game in my head, wondering which title to choose for today's occasion, or just from what has been happening lately.

I am being showered with gifts that are taking my breath away, and even, literally.

My concepts of things are being challenged, and too, my devotion to my steadfastness in a consciousness that beckons me 24/7.

I feel like the Buddha under the Bodhi Tree, sitting ever so quietly and solid under the tree, while every temptation, every last thing that Buddha wanted was dancing in front of him.
He sat there, keeping a focus on the divine, while every desire he had danced like wildflowers in front of him, enticing, enchanting, mesmerizing, and you name it............. whatever it was that Buddha wanted, stood there in front of him and tantalized him, and tested his strength in seeing these things for what they are, and having the strength to differentiate what was real, and what was not.

To be able to discern or balance the things that were of utmost importance.

New things are happening, and I am finding, that in all of the new, there is much more of a challenge in remembering what it is that I am going for, trying to achieve, and how, to balance things so that there is no, BLACK AND WHITE kinda living, cuz lord knows I  hate that crap............ I honestly just try to balance everything as best I can, stay so close to my own Truth, and then leave a little room for being the feisty girl that I am with my ardent way in life.

It seems to me that when you have numerous things that you are passionate about, the more you want to say,"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, because obviously, if you are "passionate" about them, it won't suffice to write about it for 30 minutes and leave it at that. I am much to much a passionate soul to leave it at that.

"Someone" out there is giving me some divine goods.

I am not quite sure what to do with it all, and honestly, even as I write, I want to be more clear in my intent, but god........ all I have to say is INFORMATION OVERLOAD.............. sign up.............. GONE FISHING!

Stay with me on this one because it is organic, real, true, and worth every bit of sharing, as we go along.

I might not be able to articulate things in the moment, but trust  me, I digest every last morsel of what happens within this being.
I will try my best to articulate it all, and make some sort of conscious sense out of it. If not, you will have some hot, mystical, old school romance happening at your computer, and will wonder, "just what the hell was happening in Gabriela's life at the time".

Not only is the story good, but it is historical.

News at 11.

Stay tuned!

I am!

~

MY TIME AWAY FROM WORK

I have to say, that I have been in a continuous state of question, on how it is that my time away from work, and what it is that I experience, and then going to work, and how "outward" I have to be, translates to the way I think my life should be. Key word, "should"...... always a red light.

I feel as if my time off, and away, takes me to exactly where I feel I want to be,  yet when people at work get wind of how alone I do love to be, they say, amongst almost everyone, YOU CANNOT BE WITHOUT PEOPLE.

In my own time, I revel in something that will  never have a name. More and more, I am disappearing into a place that is calling me.............calling me............ and I don't want to for fit my time doing anything else, but what makes me go straight there.

I even laugh at myself on my days off, thinking I should do this or that, and I wind up gravitating toward the same little things that I love doing, because I know how they will make me feel, yet there is a certain amount of detachment that happens, and I do feel like the person who has been living amongst the wild, and has just made her way back to regular life.

Honestly, that is how it is, and it amazes me that I can even come back so quickly, ready for work, to engage  myself, hours upon hours, with people, employees, fellow workers, and make it through one night. That is how I feel.

Everyday, at a certain  hour, at my house, when I know I have to be at work, I have to use my time efficiently, and so I have the dogs, working out, cooking, running the dogs, trying to stay balanced upstairs, doing general house stuff, if not more, and so the list goes on.

Time is such a big deal because if I go to work without that time for me, and for my animals, and just settling into something real, before the rat race begins, I will be so uncomfortable.

At a certain hour, I can feel myself starting to mentally prepare, and physically, I will always be OK. This morning I went for a 5 mile run, and man.......... the ecstasy of that.......... I have time to wonder, time to experience nature, time to think and time to get my thoughts into a perspective that gives me goals, and things to look forward to.

I get to wallow in my animals innocence, running them. I seriously laugh out loud, and wow, really, they give me so much life!!!

My rides to work are always contemplative, no matter what. I could be playing Carlos Santana, or listening to the Symphony.......... mentally, I go to the same place, and that 15-20  minute drives gets me to good, to know that I will have to be in mode for people, to allow them in, for me to embrace all people, with a smile, not because that is part of my job, but because I want to. I love people and in my life, no matter where I am, I want people to have a great experience of their stay, whether it be at my restaurant, or walking down the road. After all, really, we only get one life. If I can be a part of someones "good" experience here, I stand up and sing......... That makes me feel whole, and that in there somewhere, I have some small purpose, and if that is to just make one customer smile, or feel welcomed, than so be it........... I did a little somethin'.

I have this little saying, and it is funny..........well, to me anyway. After my drive to work and coming off of my morning that is usually laden in deep thought, or meditation, or just deep appreciation, it definitely sets the tone inside and out, for standing strong in who you are. I drive to work, and take lots of deep breaths, honestly, trying to grasp how this all is, why I am here, at this job, or doing anything else, really, other than what my heart is aching for.

I pull up at work, sit for a moment in the parking lot and go.............."OK...... Let the games begin".
I say that because that is what this all is. Any and everything that is happening on the outside, is just a plain ol' game that we are all playing, some sort of character that is just doing it's thing.

If I didn't have my mornings in solitude, or in some sort of contemplation, I don't know that I could withstand the noise of how it is out there, and probably I could, but my body would probably take it all on as some sort of disease, and it would be affected greatly,  more than what it takes on a small scale now.
When something is happening with my body, like my neck or back being out, it is clearly a solid knowing that I have allowed whatever is happening on the outside, to take affect on the inside. It is constant homework for me to balance my time, my energy and efforts, and to make sure that this sacred little body doesn't have "melt downs" like it likes to under any kind of stress.

My back and neck always, always take the brunt, and most times, I am in control of it, and sometimes, it rears it's ugly head and lays  me flat out. My friends who have known me for years crack up at it. Not that they think it is funny, but that it is so obvious how THOUGHTS and where we are in our heads, make or break our energy in our days, how it forms so many things, inwardly, and out.

I truly don't know how  people have families. It takes everything for me to balance me, my animals, my house, and time at work. That isn't even including any kind of social life, which is OK for me, right now, or any kind of passion outside of work.....any kind of hobby or art.

Everyday I say, "OK, even though I won't get to sleep till 2 am, I am going to force myself into getting up at 8 just so I can have the day and squeeze into it what I want............

I don't do good with no sleep.

Balance, I sure do love you...........

I am so grateful for my work, the customers I meet, how they make sense on my journey, and how it is, utterly important, where I am now, even if it seems crazy at times, for one reason or the other.

When I think of the customers that I have met just in these last 4 years, it makes me cry, just because of the deep connections, the family like feeling we share, and for just meeting some good souls that are just traveling through........and I get the fine opportunity to meet up with them, even if it is just for a second at the cafe counter. I acknowledge the importance, and the relevance.

Maybe I am not meant to be a recluse..........like everyone says, but I do have to say, it appeals to me more than you know.

As long as I have my music that I love, nature, my animals and a pad and pen, I am good.

I laugh because God always has different plans for me, and my friends too, laugh and say, "There is NO WAY YOU could be a recluse. People need you for so many different reasons. Hearing that so much, I feel selfish in a way. I am not quite sure how to take that sometimes.

Tonight I had a friend and his mother come in. He has been away in the Navy for awhile and each time he comes home he tries to visit. I adore him. He used to make my coffee at Starbucks everyday and we meshed. He is an old soul and  one that I love whole hearted.
He always said, "you need to meet my mother". You two would hit it off.

Well long story short, I went to see her at her house so she could read my cards. I thought, well, this is up my alley, and since it had been thrown in my face so much that she was someone I "needed" to see, I thought, I'd better go......not for any other reason but to listen to my own inner call.

I went. I met, yet another amazing woman on my journey, and she is the "light of my life"............ just a beautiful soul, so real, so true, and genuine.
Not only that she and her whole entire family come to see me, and keep in contact with me. They continue to shine a very pure light and an essence that is so incredibly valuable to me, and I am pretty sure, visa verse.

It is apparent that when I make moves that I don't normally make, that it is for a reason. I said to her tonight, "You know I don't do things just because". Inside, I know there is a higher reason.

She gave me a bag and said she had gone to "Philly" and thought of me, and brought me something.

FYI she always comes bearing gifts. Last time she came, she brought me earrings and a necklace that she made. She makes amazing jewelry. And she and her daughter brought me a porcelain angel.
I went in the back room and cried that night, at work, for the astounding gifts that I am given everyday.

Tonight, inside of that little brown baggie, was a bottle of Holy Water, a prayer card from the Shrine of St. John Nuemann, and a metal of Saint Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Cases. I thought to myself, "Uhhh, is this a sign?? Am I some hopeless case, hahahah, no really, it was funny to see that, it made me laugh to think of it in that way for a second, but all in all, in  my heart of hearts, THIS IS WHAT MAKES MY WORK WORTHWHILE.......... to forget all of the  BS that happens, and to know that things are happening for a reason, and sometimes I am stupid to think that I know more than what the Universe wants to impart, in it's time.

I am ever so grateful for any and everything in my life, and for the timing, the essence, the passion, the mystery, the uncertainty, the beauty, the ugly, the every, every, everything that is bestowed upon me right now, and I just want to give a big fat freakin hug to someone............. for allowing me this great opportunity to be a receiver, (which I am not that great at), and to be able to relish in such greatness that is happening here for me, on every level.

I continue to take away labels, to allow me to forge forward into a neutral existence that won't allow me very many opinions.

I bow, greatly tonight, in sheer, sheer gratitude, for what seems not right, for what seems right, and for all things unknown.

I am forever a student, of this love.

Thank you so much for this life.

~

EXPLODING PASSION.........

Where do I start?
Hmmmmmmmmm.........

I am falling more and more in love with my days, the more I zone in on the things that make me whole, feel alive, and passionate about my stay here, so to speak.

It's been kind of an experiment these last few years, and, hasn't been easy, to get back to myself, outside of a relationship, and to settle into the person who I have been.....really, the same since I was 4 years old. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I think that is just so amazing to me...... it reminds me of the documentary that I love so much, called 7UP. If you haven't watched it, get it, and don't be tired, because it reveals so much about who we are, and how we choose our life path from the time we are 7 and up.

It also has a sequel, with is equally phenomenal.

I am no damn different than I was lying in the grass in our front yard, just staring at the moon, and the sky, wondering how the heck I got here, and constantly wondered what was beyond those clouds, those dark  nights, with glistening "stars". What are stars really? What is out there? How is it relevant to me, this tiny person........ I felt that way at age 4, no lie! It was intense then, and has not, for one bit, lightened up along my journey, some 40 years later.
It has brought me to a razor sharp edge of my own understanding of what is, and what is not, in this time, here for me, and daily, I try to mold what makes sense to me, into a reality that will take me to a place of heightened awareness, one that will catapult me,to a solid reality of a consciousness, that will comfort me, instead of placate me, here, in this crazy land.........this crazy, crazy land of.........what to call it, I don''t really know.

I am so in love with the fact that there IS something out there, call it what you want, a higher consciousness, god, the beyond, who cares what the names are..... something, something out there tells us where to go, in such  specific way, but ......if we don't make the time, in our every, every moments, to hear that sacred wisdom, we will just go on, playing this silly game of ..........this feels good, that feels good, I don't feel like doing that, or I think I'll do that............ it's robotic and boring to me, but I get, honestly, how one can get entrapped in it. It takes a lot to enrapture me, to seize me, and to take me on a ride, outside of the norm, one that will entice me into something different, other than what has been handed to me thus far.

I have all of the "good things" that would make for a "good relationship", whatever that means, and all of the status quo stuff that says, "Yes, you are in the right place, at the right time".
What does that mean?

I mean, really.......what does that mean?

I am totally exploding, in a passion that is so inexpressible, at this point, but needs some kind of wording that will articulate what the hell this all is, of course, in my own minds eye. Who would believe me? I am just a "hippie" so to speak. That saying is old, and  trite, and people are funny, but again, I get it. It's fine! It is not me!

My passion for this life cannot be articulated in this moment, but thus far, if you haven't gotten the idea that, this person is on a mission, you'd be crazy!!

It is.........EXPLODING PASSION............WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!

I think I will just leave it at that!

I am so on fire with a love that I am not going to explain,

thank you, thank you, thank you.

Again, humbled beyond words.

~

EYES CLOSED

Today I went on my walks with all of the dogs, and it was so gorgeous out, I mean everything, really was screaming HOLY GROUND, or maybe it was just the place I was in. Maybe a combo of both.
It's so funny to watch the dogs as we set down the road, that they look for the goats that live next door, and really want to see them, almost as much as I do.
They weren't there, and I think we were all disappointed.

I love my walks. They open up my day, start it out with an organic feeling, and too, allow that innocence to seep in, so much so that it infuses me with an energy that sustains me all night long.
I was coming out of my skin on the way to work, and it felt so high, so g....d....... amazing, that once again, I wondered how it was that I got to be so lucky to be able to experience such a grandeur.

I  laughed out loud, while driving my car, shifting gears, thinking, how long ago was I taking taxi's to work and digging into the deepest part of my existence to understand the whys and the how's of life's work, and why the hell was I experiencing being with 50 different cab drivers, getting to know their stories, getting to know them, and too, making beautiful connections with people from all around the world that had as story, just like me, only colored with their markers, not mine. I will never forget this time in my life, honestly, it was astounding............. really, just mind blowing to the nth degree.

I swore I would do a documentary on that 10 month time frame, one of THE MOST vulnerable, interesting, and scary times of my life.

Time seems to be the "want" these days, for me, at least.

So, on my walk I was drenched in a place that was almost too much for me to handle, or comprehend, and all I wanted to do was close my eyes.

I was walking Surrender, my dog, who is usually all over the place, and inside, all I felt that I wanted to do was close my eyes.

I just said, "OK, I'm gonna do it".

I would love to express beyond "Holy Crap", or "Holy Shit"..............and be able to articulate what the hell it is that swallows me whole, and turns me inside and out, and into someone that I love, I mean absolutely love...............

I closed my eyes and found myself so acutely aware of every, every, everything!! The smells, the "noise" in the back round, the crackling of my feet on top of the gravel, the sound of Tippies paws hitting the ground............and wow, it was all so simple.......

I thought to myself, " how amazing to be THIS aware, this connected in a moment, to know that just walking in the gravel would stimulate me just as much as having a night with someone, doing what lovers do.
I almost hate putting words to what I feel in my moments. It seems to bring it down to some kind of level that doesn't either make sense, or fit in.

It was an almost near perfect day, and it brought so much to me................

I think to myself, "How will anything ever match up?"

Will I always be a loner and..........alone in this feeling of wonderment?

I will not go back to the lifestyle I once knew..........many, many years ago.

I have peeled that layer.

I am someone brand new.

I don't care if I  have to be alone, to revel in this reality.

I just want it to be............

and to not be tainted by anything other.

I am so innocent, so free, and so on fire, in this place.

My love is a net.........

I will never, ever be the same!

~

SUMMING UP OUR DAYS

I like to pan back on my entire day when I get home, finally sitting, and although I am still "doing" like writing this blog, it is still a down time for me, and time that allows me to unleash my authentic self, onto this screen, where, honestly, I cannot get a grip on, to this day.
This computer is a book in and of itself, for many reasons, beyond this blog.
It is a fascinating medium and one in which perplexes me and too, intrigues me, to date, for sure!

When I really look at things, my life is so encapsulated. Really, I mean, I don't have much time, outside of being at work, to make my life what I want it to be.
So many people are doing this, and doing that, and I feel such a humbleness in comparison.

I can't imagine going out to a bar, or even a restaurant after work, really, let alone, anywhere. My days are so filled with noise, chatter, mingling, making and doing that honestly, all I can think about is either a hot bath and a good glass of red, or changing quickly into my running gear, and heading out with the pups to greet the sunset, and revel in the glory of the "end of the day", or.......the beginning.

I was so excited today, to be able to feel better, and to get out of the house. The dogs have been  pent up for a week, wondering why I "hate" them so much, as to not take  them on one walk in 7 days.

It killed me, but I had no choice. I didn't feel well, and actually, for me too, couldn't stand being in bed or just sitting for hours upon  hours in a chair, at this computer, with an ice pack and trying not to buy  into what the body was saying was wrong.

I had prime opportunity, as I always do when injury arrives, to surrender to what is happening, and allow what needs to happen, happen!
It has gotten so much better, after experiencing this for several years and understanding, spiritually, mentally and physically, how it is all intertwined, and how to go about processing it all and allowing it to form a solid understanding of how to nurture these moments, and too, how to transcend them, to open new gates and higher understandings of what to do next, how to implement change from past experiences, and how to be open to becoming someone new, on a daily basis, if not for the month, or year, and for me, down to this very exact moment.
Mine always seems to be to date. Every last minute, last hour, reveals  different things to me, and it can almost seem overwhelming, but if, and that is a big IF....... I balance my time, for what is needed for this particular soul. It all glides in a motion that is so much like watching the waves as you sit on the shore, shuffling your feet in the sand, as you sit on your beach chair, looking out onto the vast, vast ocean, trying to understand what it all really is about anyway.

I am so happy not to overwhelm myself anymore with how things should and shouldn't look. I am not saying that it isn't trying at times, I mean, people want you to be a certain way, and even if you say, "Well screw them, this is me and that is that, the Truth is, there is a lot of work to do out there. I am pretty good with it all, but to be really honest, it is a crap shoot.
I am my authentic self, 99.9 % of the time, and with much dismay, it is challenged on a daily basis, so much where I just have to surrender to the what I know inside. No matter what it looks like on the outside, there is this gigantic soul, doing some heavy duty work, within a medium that looks like............. X,Y and Z.

It is pretty interesting from a psychological standpoint, but can sometimes be saddening, and ever so hopeful to get out, and to drench myself into every and all things that seem  passionate and bold...........anything, really, to make a huge difference in this crazy world.......to reduce the information that is handed to us everyday, and make some sort of concotion, that will allow me to throw my heart out there, to do some service, to change the world a bit, to know, that in my small scope of things, that I have chosen to do one or two, or three, or more, things that would have made a difference in someones life.
Movies, candy, Opera, shopping............ hay........I love you all...............but when I see the time in which I DO NOT have, and look at the things that I need, and want to accomplish, I weigh it out in a second, and choose the obvious.

I don't go out. I work, and come home and retreat to a haven that, to me, is so pristine.

I don't know how to articulate it.

Certain people say, "OK, enough of the "I love life" sort of stuff for your blog........when are you going to dig into something different??"

Well, I never know what I am going to write about! And, the good thing with all of this is that, I can write what I want to write, and........not care. If I choose to write about love and peace, so be it! Maybe you all need a good dose of some peace and love and get out of your freakin crap that only musters up the robotic life, huh? I dunno, you tell me.........honestly, how you feel!

These are my thoughts...........and it is so ok for you NOT to like them.
I am not trying to get anyone to switch their way of thinking to be someone different.

I am just summing up my time here, in  my moments, and telling you, that there are some gorgeous, gorgeous gems about to surface, and I, myself, don't want to miss out.

Literally, I sit up as long as I can, watch the moonlight, the stars, and anything else that takes me beyond my small train of thought, and into the questioning soul, that is forever wondering, why, how, where, and wow!!!

My days are so short lived!

If for some reason, I were to pass tomorrow, would I have spent my days wondering about miniscule things? Things that really, on a bigger scale, don't matter in the least?

We can all choose our lives and make it look however we want it to look.
To me, the key is, making it look like something that actually equalls your soul, and..........adhering to that, making it  prominent in you life, and standing up for a love that is so, so grand!

I am awake and ready to share the goods.

Are you?

RETURNING TO ME, RETURNING TO ME!

Sometimes when I sit to write, like tonight, after a long day at work, doing daily stuff that we all have to get done, and then retreating to just expressing, hangin out, listening to my kinda music, it gives me that feeling of "Well, the day wasn't so bad, and things aren't so bad, especially when I see how many luxuries I have, and are at my fingertips.

I love the feeling of returning to myself. All day long, it can be like a see saw.

I have been off of work for a week now. I had an injury, and not only does that affect the body, but the mind as well. Especially if you are someone who can't sit still, who likes to accomplish things, and make her time worthwhile.

It's not like I didn't, but I can feel myself trying to plunge through things, and do things that I really shouldn't be doing, because I have that mentality of Super Woman, or, for the sheer fact that I AM the only one in my household, aside from 4 fuzzy, 80-100 lb dogs, that really cannot do the laundry, or organize the house of "entrapment" due to their pack issues, and ya know, simple things like taking out the garbage. I mean, I like doing all of those things. I feel good in it, but not if I am compromising something, and "trying to be" a Super Woman, when in essence, I just don't need to be doin' that kinda stuff, and I need to heed the warning and get in a tub, or lie down with some ice and call it a day.

That is like death to me, but from past experiences, I know, full well, that even if there seems to be "no way out", "Oh no, I live alone and how this or that"........... God always finds a way to support me, or to give me what I need, but........maybe not in the exact way I was looking for, or asking for, but surely, always something in that vicinity, and always, keeps me wondering, as a kid looking up at the clouds. I always want to know what the hell is going on and why? Why? Why? Why?

Some people like the bon bon lifestyle with the remote in hand and some fatty food that will make them feel comfortable at the end of the day.

That ain't me! That just ain't me!

I'm pretty good at balancing. I won't say that it doesn't take an effort. I am more the, "I WILL CONQUER THE WORLD", type, and try to do it, and if it falls short, lord knows it will be on tomorrow's list of things to do.

Years ago, if that list wasn't completed, I'd be in an up heave, for the "strivers" sake. I am not OCD by any means. I just like goals, achieving, and making progress in ones own evolution, even if it means changing your damn toilet paper. Hay, at least you now have the Charmin with Aloe that won't take you to the "cleaners" so to speak, and you don't have to mess with some off brand that saved you 90 cents but makes you wince every moment you visit your "haven with a throttle".

I am laughing so hard because I can hear my sister right now, laughing and feeling a sort of embarrassment at the same time because she thinks I am putting all of my junk out there, all of my thoughts and it cracks me the hell up to visualize her going "OH MY GOD, SHE DID NOT SAY THAT ON HER BLOG".

It is sheer laughter to the soul, I swear.................... to somethin'........ out there!!

Tissue  please!

Honestly, this blog is just  me......expressing because I need to for me, in this life. It is of utmost importance, to get my stuff out there, to whomever, whenever, and even if it seems odd, it isn't really odd, to the one who just needs.....plain ol' expression. Not to get something back, but to just allow the wild train of thoughts to course through her veins, to share them, and to feel so utterly  passionate in the outcome of making a period to her sentence. GOD................. GOD............ That seems so small, but so  huge, cathartic, and beautiful, all in one...............

Why not write, for that kind of outcome?

I read those words as if I were not writing them and stand up for a Touche' of sorts, just to high five someone that has so much passion.

Egads........that is me huh?

All good.........just wild, incredibly wild at the expense of me.

I can not possibly put that into a format of sorts. Really, it is so hard to compartmentalize those thoughts. 

I continuously return to myself.

The one who has a gazillion questions, the one who is standing on the edge of edges, the one who is goin, "Don't stay stuck there"...........come with me.......................Look over here........... this is where life is................. God............... really..........I am so damn grateful!!

Return to you ! Whoever that may mean.......to you!

There is a treasure, and in it, remains the gifts, for the ones who dared to risk.

I am so utterly in love with

giving and

sharing

this

love.

Thank you so, so much for allowing me to express my natural self and to be able to share my love, that is so, so laden  with a gift that, even I cannot comprehend.

I try, at best, to stay open, to such enormity, but then, feel as if, I fall short, only in knowing that time is of the essence, and that what I do, is so full and not "right on the money", with how it "should be" to help life and things along.

My heart aches at such a "loss", but somehow, in there, is a  gain,

I am not sure of the gain, as much as I am sure of the loss.

Such is life, verbatim.

I want to be sure that I am doing some good, '

and  not just taking the losses

as they come.

Reading poetry

is different than making love

to  poetry.

When you make love

you commune,

when you read love

you make love

in your

mind

but haven't quite

discerned how to

be

in

a love

that

warrants

no expression.

~

Returning to yourself

has may facets.

I have little expression

in the way of

words,

But sit with me

in silence

and all that

is tried

in expression

will be

somehow

formulated

in

nothing.

Sheer

nothingness!

Thank you for expression

and

non expression.

I bow to all of it!

In sheer gratitude!

~

LET ME FALL

I am so happy to fall flat on my face, to learn, to grow, and to get right back up to see what the heck it was that made me fall to the ground like that to begin with.
I am a fighter, really, I am, and if something makes me fall to the ground, or anywhere near it, you have shaken my hand, in the boxing ring, and, I know, I will want a re-match. For sure!
Never make the determination on the first fight.......it's the next match that you better watch out for.

I am certainly not looking to fight anyone or thing, but if I am forced in the ring, I have no problem putting on my boxing gloves and giving you everything I have.....honestly!

This life is so chock full of opportunity for me to become more of who I am inside, to shed the layers of skin that just don't fit anymore, and to physically and mentally meet the challenges that I think need to be met, for me to stay good, and true inside, to feel good, as a spirit, and a soul that is trying to do some good here.

I love visuals that are  physical, and that you can look beyond what is being portrayed and use it as a lesson, on a whole, to where you are, what you are doing, and how you want to transmute that, so that people can digest what the hell you are talking about.

Boxing is good. Anyone and everyone fights in their own way. For freedom, for rights, for any darn thing. We all have our own individual issues.

I have a photographer friend who is coming soon to take pictures for an upcoming blog I want to do, to re-create, for a project I have in mind. I cannot wait. She is amazing, she knows the depth behind my work, and what I want to portray. I could care less about my picture being taken. Really....... the only thing, and well, it is big, and a huge project that I have wanted to take on for  many years now, is that a photographer follows me in my daily life, and just takes her own images as I go. Nothing like," hay I want to look like this, or that," but someone who is in tune with me, the silence, and can hang with traipsing upon my territory, doing what they love, and me, doing what I love, quiet, but both getting what we want.
It is a long term project that cannot be taken lightly, for me at least. Why, I don't know, it is just there, and always has been.

Anyway, a series of those images will be of boxing, since it is a huge love and passion of mine, and too, any and everything that makes me crawl out of my skin........... maybe I will just leave that for the images to appear on my blog, but honestly, if someone is in their element, and the person behind the camera is present, and whole, in themselves, therein lies some beautiful love making.

Passion to me lies in anything you do. I know that I can be doing the laundry and have moments of sheer,"God..... WHAT WAS THAT?" And there I am so in love with my life, so simple, so giggly, and so content.

Maybe she is taking pictures of me folding laundry, who knows. It is all about the moment, and how it is portrayed.The meaning behind it all, no matter how simple.

I want to fall back into myself.  The self that no longer cares what it looks like on the outside.

So many people have ideas of how they see me, of how I "should" look, or what I "should" be wearing, or doing.......the list goes on.

I love who I am in all of my simple ways.

I don't wear this or that. I'm not frilly. I'm not the Jane, or the Sue who wears this or that. I am just me who is comfortable in............whatever it is.

I am not a make-up girl, or roll my hair in curlers. God forbid............. that much time taken in the morning, I coulda run a mile or two.....

This girl is easy. Jeans, T-shirt, boots. Shake the hair a bit with some product and out the door we go. Nothing else please, or I will get overwhelmed. hahahha

Why can't we all be left alone? Or should I say, "Why can't we allow ourselves to be left alone?"
Why does it have to be that we have to be doing certain things, for certain people or............just for ourselves, outside of our homes and small little vortex?

Are we afraid of what people will think of us? Will they be disappointed in us for not being or doing what they thing we should be doing?

It is huge. It really is.

I battled that for awhile. Doing what people expected of me. It hurt me so greatly, because what people wanted from me, was not what I wanted for myself. Again, I was trying to please others to fill some sort of gap.

I changed that ( I was going to say "right quick") because I have definitely been in Texas too long. I changed that and it has more than transformed me. I listen to your opinions, because it is interesting, but "where is it that I was now?' My thoughts of me are good, true, and pretty right on, and I am sure, by all means, that you have that good of a grip on yourself.

I feel like I have been writing all over the board tonight, but it is OK.

Let me Fall was about being ourselves. Coming back to ourselves.

No matter what people want you to be.

Really look at who you are, RIGHT NOW, and what that means for you, and then, simply execute that in your daily life. I mean, you HAVE TO.............I won't let you........NOT............DO THAT, FOR YOU!

Do you want to downsize? Up size? Be more of this, or less of that? Please, make me happy and say that you will be OK with making a change that will conform more to who you are. There is no need to make anyone happy with how you look or what you do. Please, if not for anyone, make me a happy camper by telling me you went out with no make-up and didn't care, or you went to a show and didn't care  how people thought about you, or to the grocery store at 6 am without pounds of make-up on, when really, you woulda just looked perfect with no make-up and your goofy little shorts. Did you ever think that you looked good like that?

FALL........LET YOURSELF FALL..............INTO WHO YOU ARE..........WITHOUT ANYONE HAVING TO MAKE A COMMENT............. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE VALIDATED!

I could go on an on.

Who are you?

What do you want to portray?

Do you care what it looks like?

If so, why?

Things to think about.................

but darn, do it while singing.............please sing...............cuz I know I am tonight............

wish upon that star............. it's waiting................ go ahead................... make the wish, and go to bed.

I am always, always, here to support you beyond belief!

Love, love, and love,
Gabriela

SOMETHING IN THE WIND...CALLS ME!

My last week has been spent here at the house healing from a "sudden" neck and back injury.

( I know long time friends will laugh as soon as they read that. Why? Because they know my body almost as well as I do ~ often times more than I do. Good for when I cannot be objective enough. What great mirrors!

They know that when there is a lot of change, spiritual growth, or life's "bigger" things that can occur for me, that the first thing that takes the brunt is my back/neck.

Some people get stomach upsets, virus, colds, flu's....... I get this kinda stuff.

This has been a 20 some year long journey,, trying to "manage" the mind and what it "feeds" me, and to be able to take control over the thoughts that try to make it all seem "real".

The mind can be so cunning, if we let it, which is why, on  I cannot allow myself to pretend that these things don't occur.

I need all the time in the world~every last drop of time, to pour myself into a consciousness that sweetly awaits my presence~all day, everyday, in every waking moment.

I feel like an addict who needs their fix.

If I don't have that conscious awareness, I feel dead, and raped of an aliveness that nowadays is ALL I CRAVE!
I spend a crazy amount of time alone, and yet, it never seems to be enough. I stay awake at night to be a part of the  nights air, it's splendor, it's infinite beauty, and to just commune in the glory of the quietude.
Before work and during my days I try to think of things that I would want to do, things to see, catch a movie..... and what do I find myself doing? Racing upstairs, excited as a child on Christmas morning, getting my chair, my pillow, pen and paper.
The view of the water is a grace in my days. It constantly shows me the infinite possibilities that are available to me, the magic, the mystery and the phenomenon that are everywhere............just everywhere for me to revel in.

I came up here today after going to the Chiropractor. It was time to ice, yet again, and too, there had been a lot of things weighing on me.

So  many things on the outside, and in my immediate world are like me trying to squeeze myself into a pair of size 6 shoes, that I think "SHOULD" fit, when I know, darn well, I am a size 8. The more I thought about those shoes, and how it pained me so much to make myself like them, and wear them everyday, the more my body felt stressed, even so much as nauseated.
The pain grew inside and soon those thoughts were trying to become a reality for me that I know in my heart are not.
Only if I allow it, can they glom on as something real!

I came up here to my haven, sat in my lounge chair, brought my phone, plugged in my headset and tuned to one of my favorite stations.
Native American flutes, drums, sounds of the wind, birds and a deep humming of some old souls expressing their passion.
The wind up here is top notch, or, as my sister would say, "It's blowin' 80, haha, that makes me laugh every time!
The reflection on the water is singing to me, and this huge "eagle", like bird is gliding over my head~he honestly came that close. I stared him down, and the way that the sun was hitting his wings, the flute echoing, I swear, I thought the heavens threw my mother out of the "nest", to fly by me, to wake me up out of this temporary body, and to sink myself into Love, into the true reality of what is happening for me here.
I started to cry and felt an unmistakable presence.
I had goose bumps and any other feeling that would come along with the "unexplainable", the Mystery behind Surrender.

I closed my eyes and fell into a deep place. The more I connected, the more my body felt alive, and free!
Above all, to witness the untouchable spirit. The Free Soul, untainted and in a flawless, flawless, existence.
The deeper I went, the more I witnessed the emotions of the body doing what it needed to do, but no longer was I a part of IT.
I was able to have compassion for the person sitting there, in a chair, that believed so many things to be true, that even disabled her to some degree. How the only thing that really occurred,  is that she believed a bunch of thoughts to be true, when really, they were JUST THOUGHTS.............JUST THOUGHTS!
No more anxiousness, no more heaviness. No more thoughts!
I am home again!

The wind blew my Knight ~n~ Shining armour over. I thought that was incredibly symbolic, My Warrior Friend, my Joan of Arc, my statue of Courage and Bravery.

I opened my eyes and looked at it facing up with it's sword in hand, looked up at the sky and had to say a huge, huge, THANK YOU!
It can all get funny after awhile, what we choose to believe, what we make real, and then, what we know to be true, and, know to be, who we really are.
When you get big doses of reality, on either end, things start to come together, and no more do you have to be "doing" something. It is all right there, all of the time, guiding us if we just make that time an urgency.
More urgent than anyone, or anything. It will never let you down, I promise you!

It's getting to the point where it only takes a matter of minutes to find my way back~ as opposed to years, months, and a bunch of heavy learning curves. But those learning curves have become my companion. Never did I think I would say that after some heavy experiences, but to date, and still, in this moment and time, if I give myself the grand opportunity to go deep inside, all things can be healed, and  yes, like today, I stayed out there for an hour, after feeling the density in this body, and all of the fluctuating feelings that come along with thinking that is who you are.

I constantly have homework to do, and if I skip a beat, it shows!

Make the connection to yourself a priority. You won't be so on the prowl for things to validate you...... trust me, you are gonna fall in love with you, the one you've been missing your whole entire life~

Shoot, I wanna have breakfast, lunch, and dinner with myself. I fell in love a long time ago, and haven't found any one quite the same. Solitude feeds you like no other!

I don't want to have to swim to the shore of peace. I want to BE THAT PEACE, everywhere I go, no matter what is happening!

So very grateful for what is available to me............... and for those of you who support peace, kindness and compassion. Without it, I don't thrive! Without it, the river will, inevitably take me there. It knows my hearts longing.

All my love,
Gabriela

P.S. One of the pictures is of  my sister and I. It was the day we put my mother to rest. The first dove was "My Mom", and we set her free. The next Five Doves we set free, were us, her five children, who will always be with her, always, wherever this life takes us. It was incredibly beautiful because when all were set free, they were seperate, but all eventually flew back to Mom............ it was a phenomenal experience, one that I will never, ever forget, as long as I live............or after...........