2010

Did you ever really think you would make it this far? Don't those numbers look strange kind of?

Somehow a 1 with a zero next to it always makes you stop and have some thought, whether it is one zero, two, three, or more.

When I was a kid, I always said, (as if I'd be living in the Jetsons era), "In the year 2000 I will be 33!!

I truly thought that would be so old and a major milestone.

Little did I know that there would be a million milestones, and that number 33 is no different 10 years later at 43.

Age really is a number, and numbers really ARE just numbers.

I honestly try to live my daily life in the reality of the Christmas', Thanksgiving, Valentines days, and every other holiday that would mean an acknowledgement of sorts, or to celebrate and honor this pretty incredible life that we have, and, with whom.

I don't say that to sound a certain way, or hope to be a certain way. I say that because my life, and the lessons, and people in it, are so darn sacred to me. I mean everyone who makes a difference in my life. I tell them. I honor them and how they show me the way on my path. Not just the great friends, or personalities, but the ones who rub me the wrong way, who make me fight to see the Truth in things, and who make me see my life a little bit different, in case I was hiding out in some cave and didn't see some ancient lesson that I needed to see about MYSELF. Not them, but about myself.

I count my blessings everyday. I'm glad I have this moment right now that I am spending on New Years Eve, doing exactly what I love, not feeling guilty about it, and trying to adjust to my own eclectic style that seems to spell out the same language that I was speaking at age 5, but couldn't claim it as my "own" because we're just not "allowed" that freedom at such young ages.

This day is blessed, just like every other one. If it seems to be an excuse for you to let go of things, or be more of this or more of that with or for someone, to forgive, to renew, to engage, or to participate............. let it be that.............all days are useful and have a purpose. Days like this, and other holidays give us that allowance, and I think we all, for the most part, participate and are able to start a new. At least we try. And if we don't meet up to those "resolutions"........... we have another day, which will always be a "New" year, or new moment, or new slot in this space and time to correct, to mend, to start over, to be able to be compassionate enough with ourselves to know that we are human, with flaws, foibles, and too, with CHOICES that if we don't feel like making a damn New Years Resolution, than so be it! Who was it that deemed this day THE DAY, for us to change or make change in some way. I say MAKE THAT YOUR EVERY DAY CHOICE because you can. Seriously. It all can seems so cliche' but c'mon man.......... we have so many millions of moments. Not just the New Year.

Don't feel obligated to be or do, or have what everyone else is doing or having. Don't feel obligated to go on a diet, do a cleanse, quit smoking, or giving up something. It is a "said" tradition. Just know that you have everyday to become more of who you are, what you don't want to be, or don't want to have. You have glorious moments everyday, so chock full of opportunity to mend broken hearts, forgive someone, buy a gift, make a dinner, say I am sorry, let go of old stuff, lose a few pounds.

Today and every day is the rest of your life, whether if be 2010 or 2020. Trust me. In 2020 you will be along the same lines as you are now, if not close, and you will see that all along you had the incredible opportunity EVERYDAY, to celebrate LIFE, to celebrate the people in your life, to show compassion, to make someone happy, to show your body more love, your self, more love, and to be who you ultimately want to be.

Try not to make it a once a year thing.

Every darn day is a New Opportunity to be more of who we are.

I celebrate THAT, IN YOU, AND I CELEBRATE THAT, IN ME!

Try not to judge where you are at, and, me too!

Let's get our sparklers out, listen to the fire works, watch the fire works, and let it remind us of the amazing sparks in this time and space that I call Grace.

We have a million things to bow down for, and to give extreme thanks for, and, too, to look at ourselves with the utmost compassion, and allow ourselves to stay right where we are, and to love it with all we have, for we are just mere little souls, growing and learning in a pretty complex playground.

Eat what you want, love with reckless abandon, have fun and don't take life too seriously!

With that said, I have tomorrow off. I think it'll be French Toast and Mimosas. Sheer luxury for a morning off.

All my love to some pretty phenomenal souls.

You make my nights worthwhile!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY DAY, NIGHT AND REST OF YOUR LIFE!

XOXOXOXOXO

Gabriela

BEING REAL WITH OURSELVES

It is enough to try to figure out what we want, how we are going to get there, and what it will take to actually get there.

I think, THAT we can be real with.

What I wonder though, is if we can actually be real with the things, or the emotions that come up that maybe we don't want to see, or feel, or acknowledge, for fear that it may be "wrong", or "bad", or not allowed into our little consciousness.

To me, nothing can ever be wrong, or bad. Things occur in our lives that bring up things for us, and for us to "take care of" or look at, and whatever it it is that we need to do to take care of it, or mend it, or whatever it may be for us, that we NEED to do.

Too, there is no special way, or "right" way to deal with our own personal stuff.

I cannot tell Sally (Sally is back, how fun), how she needs to deal with a situation that occurs for her, and her only, and too, cannot, by any stretch of your imagination, judge, for I know that every one of us has a particular scenario that needs attention, and some pretty tender love and ultimate care.

Me and Sally probably have a lot in common, but no one needs to know that.

What is most important is that I know what I need, and for me to take care of all that works into my own equation.

What do I need to do for me?

Is this or that healthy for me? Does it make me happy? Sad? Bring up too much old stuff? How much work am I really willing to do for this soul?

And........actually........what does that look like?

I know for myself, I have to be very willing to open myself up, be honest, not in the mind set of what is right or wrong, or what other people think would be good for me. ONLY I KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME, and........sometimes not, but for the most part, no one knows me, or my patterns or my past, better than me, SO...........TO BE REAL WITH OURSELVES, is to give up the goods, to ourselves, look at those goods, and see what we want to do with them.

Like I said, there is no right or wrong. This is YOUR LIFE, and you get to paint the picture that you want.

Will you be satisfied with the picture that you have created? Will it be true to you, or colored by societies vision?

Are you painting your life or a life of a school book or novel, or something that your mother or father has created FOR YOU?

BE REAL!

Even if it seems ridiculous or outside of the box.......if it seems or feels real...........please do me a favor and take the risk of doing just THAT! PLEASE DO NOT SECOND GUESS YOURSELF!

Society has a way of swaying you to mold yourself to IT.

Me and Society have had a torrid love affair since I was a kid. We battle it out now and again, and truly, I'm not looking to win or anything, it's just that my points seem to have a lot of validity, and society is goin, "Who the hell does she think she is".

Me? I'm just goin......... doesn't this seem simple?

That is all!

I like to be real with myself as much as I can so that I can truly get to who it is that I am. It is always changing, but then again, not really.

I've been the same since I was a kid.


I can go on and on.

Stick to what feels real to you and NEVER, NEVER COME OFF OF THAT, FOR ANYONE, OR ANYTHING!

It may seem at times that you are at a loss, but really, you are far, far ahead of the game.

Huge Touche' for staying True to ourselves and loving every minute of it.

I love you all so, so frigin much!

Goodnight!

Love,'
Gabriela

I AM...........

ABSENT,

BUT DEEP

IN

THIS

ABSENCE

THERE IS

THE

WAITING

FOR

MYSELF.

THIS WAITING

IS

ANOTHER

FORM

OF

PRESENCE.

THE WAITING

FOR

MY

RETURN!

~

WHEN BUBBLES RISE UP.......

you know........that there is a special something inside that is making those bubbles happen!

There is such a great feeling that comes along with bubbles, or whatever you want to deem it.

Whatever it is inside that is making you feel happy, or joyful, or passionate, or just plain ol' smile from the sweetest place there is............ has got to be something to talk about.

I know for me that that feeling is so incredible.

It could be my walks, the dogs, the symphony, someone special, or just me by myself, just being and feeling giddy within that. There are a ton of things to say about that feeling, but all I know is that it is awesome!

Bubbles rise up when I know I am giving something to someone that may make them happy, or smile.

Buying something, or making something especially, for someone, is one of the greatest joys for me. How I love to give, especially if you know the person will love it, or just love unfolding the wrap, even if they don't love it, at least you got to see that childish glow as they did unwrap the gift. It really is priceless to me.

The people in my life are pretty darn amazing. There are several different categories that that may fall under, and all are extremely important to me.

I am so appreciative of all people who are on my path, whether it be a busser, a runner, a cashier, a fellow worker, the person at Starbucks who has my drink made by the time I get to the counter, to my therapist, to the friends who I have made in my business, who seem like acquaintances, but man......... they are good people.........

So, so many gifts to be grateful for, and these all, make me bubble up, in one way or another. Some more than others, and too, half of these people have no idea how much they make my days, and how they have contributed to my gratitude, and how they have somehow filled my life with tons of good things.

The obvious people I freely share with.

People at work, I gave Christmas cards to, people who probably think I look at them like no-nothings...... because they work "for me".

I don't see it like that AT ALL!

They are such sweet individuals. They are nothing less than me, AT ALL! They make my life easier, and they work their butts off.

I saw the faces of all of the people who received Christmas cards from me, and they looked as if.....wow me? Yes, you, you sweet, sweet person who I work with everyday. You are nice.......you smile, and you are an eclectic being here. Truly. That is the way I feel. They make me laugh, and they have certain ways that tickle me and make me glad to know that they are on the schedule.

I wrote something in each of their cards. Very specific.

It filled me up.

The bubbles rose.

I am grateful for all of the things that make my bubbles rise.

Some, more than others............. but all in all......... I cannot complain.

Some people have NO bubbles............. ME? I HAVE A TON............

They may be little, but inside, it feels huge.

Thank you all who make me bubble up inside, and who make me want to continuously GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE!

If there is anything that makes me feel whole, it is that!

Thank you for the opportunity!

With all of my heart felt love,
Gabriela

WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY

Ahhh, Tis the season, and you know what sentences will follow...right? Ones like, people are scurrying around, last minute shopping, spending, spending, spending money they don't have, fearing they won't get the right gift for so and so, and so and so, hoping the kids or nephews will get what their friends have, so they can feel equal, and not left out, or maybe looked at like the not so cool one...... the craze is on, and the energy is high! The whole huga ba loo......and I just want to ask, really ask........

If you had your druthers, would you be doing what you are doing? Hay, some may say yes.

I know my mom did. Shoot, we were broker than broke, but I tell you, I have never seen someone so happy as to stay up until 5 or 6 in the morning wrapping presents that looked like they were for the President, and enjoyed every last minute of it. It was for us kids.

Needless to say, we still.....were broke. How long did it take to pay off one Christmas? Or did she ever? Ahhh, don't wanna think about that one!

Don't get me wrong, I loveeeeeeee tradition. I love that every year we would make the same stuff, all of our picky foods. OK, so us Italians, we eat stuff like, plates of pepperoni and cheese, marinated roasted peppers with fresh garlic and parsley, prosciutto and melon, suprasatta, ( said like Supra sod),olives galore, crackers and more cheese, blue cheese, smelly cheese, hard cheese, soft cheese, and then, oh my god wait........... MORE CHEESE!

You have to eat cheese with everything. Celery, and ..........cheese. Shrimp........and cream cheese............ Cappicola, (if your in the know, or you just plainly come from an Italian background,that would be pronounced Gabba goul). God just the sound of that makes me feel at home, not, of course when a non-Italian says it........Yes, ma'am, can I buy a pound of Capp eh Kola..... It's just not the same, ya know?

Anyhow, all of that stuff is what would make up my holiday at home. Eating, eating and eating. From morning till night. Pick all day, and eat a hug plate of lasagna, AND, ham, of course, and tons of other good food that would be too long to mention.

We got Americanized after some years, maybe after my mother married an Irishman. I never saw so much meat and potatoes in my life! Hay, but it was all good. It's about integration right?
Just leave the kilt in the closet. Thank you very much!

Over the years it had come to be that I moved away, and for some time, didn't even go home for years. There was a stretch of missing home and tradition so much that it hurt. I realized in one sense that it was what I knew, and never gave myself the chance to see if there was anything outside of what I grew up with , that would feel good to me, and be close like that, to my heart and soul, as to make me feel so cozy and at home.

Over the years I have done a tremendous amount of things on holidays. Spent them with friends, acquaintances from around the world, from all parts of the globe. It has been the most incredible experience to be with people who celebrate holidays in their way, and, to be able to share with them, in their way, on their turf. From the food, to the sacred acts of celebrating what their "God" is and what Christmas means to them.

It has been the most eclectic, phenomenal, experience ever, really, in my life, and I would love to continue to explore those traditions around the world, or, with people who are from different parts of the world, who are here, right before me, celebrating in their way, and not mine.

This holiday, I chose to spend it the way I wanted to, and actually, the way I am choosing to spend most of my time alone, when I have it.

It made me feel a little shaky, for lack of better words, at first, just because, everyone else in the world is doing x y and z, and here I am choosing this over here. It took me awhile to not feel different, or weird, or separate, and just be OK with the simple fact that, I am REALLY doing what I want, and it resonates with me so deep, that I loved every minute of it.

What I really came to realize, though, is that what I chose to do on "Christmas", the thing or things that I thought would be totally cool, satisfying and celebratory, was, in fact, the very things that I choose to do on an everyday regular basis.

When I finally realized that, any remnants of any kind, any unsettled feeling about how I was spending my time and with who, or not, I sank into this grand place inside that felt extremely reassured that my choices were solid and that there was no need to feel this or that, guilty or sad, or any other feeling that was outside of my peaceful feeling, just being, and doing such simple, simple things.

Don't get me wrong, I love and adore spending time doing what I did as a kid, and love being around people and drinking good wine, eating good food, but for some reason, ahhhhhhhhhhhh.......this felt so good.

I never want to apologize for my choices. They are what they are, and most times, there are opinions about them, but I have learned to just go with what feels good, and not care so much, if not at all, about what others think my life should, or should not be.

I am so happy for my friends that are out and about, snow mobiling, sledding, eating, drinking, opening presents, drinking egg nog, and all of the other cool stuff that comes along with this holiday. I celebrate you, your way, and all traditions as well. It truly makes me happy to stand back, to see how each and every one celebrates, and smile, knowing that it is what you want, and what makes you feel good.

To me, there is no right or wrong in celebrating. Just don't tell that to a Jewish mother or an Italian mother.........things won't go over so well, I kid you not!

I hope that your holiday was spent the way you chose to celebrate it, and there was no guilt to be had.

I hope you filled your bellies with lots of home cooked food and desserts, had good wine, and laughed your butts off.

I hope too, that the gratitude that comes along with Christmas carries you over, into your year, and you feel just as blessed and loved, as you did today.

Christmas truly IS every day.

I love you all.

Merry Merry Christmas.

(Save me some lemon meringue pie, or coconut creme pie....THAT? I wish I did have! xoxo

Love and more love,
Gabriela

KICKING MY HEELS UP...........

That is how I felt today, after my long walk.

I actually left the dogs home at first. I grabbed my coffee and headed out. It was so awesome out. It was warm enough to wear a tank top and jeans, which I love! I also took a raw looking walking stick that is sitting with a hundred other unmade ones, on my back deck. When I say unmade, it means that I have not yet polished them into nice walking sticks, which I love to do, and it one of my favorite past times. Time hasn't allowed, as of recent, but soon enough I'll be carving away, and loving every minute of it.

Anyway, I headed out.

The trees are screaming fall, the colors are blazing, and look so full of life, especially when the sun hits the leaves in just the right way. The sky was turning different colors right before me, and the goats next door were so darn cute, I stayed staring at them for a good 10 minutes.

It seemed as though everything had become magical. My heart started to feel excited at the mere thought that I had time, actual quality time, by myself, to walk amongst the beauty and magnificence of the day.

It was nice without the dogs for once, just because I got to explore in a totally different way. It felt as if a strobe light was on, and I was going in slow motion, checking everything out, staring at things as if it were my first time, feeling the bark on those 100 year oaks, crinkling the leaves with my shoes and laughing that something as little as that, still makes me feel like a kid, and wanting to brush through them as I did, Oh, 35 years ago.

I started to crack myself up that I was amusing myself in the smallest of ways.

I got to the corner of the street I normally turn down with the dogs, and realized there were no more leaves, so I slowed down.

I saw an old man on his riding lawn mower heading toward me. I thought, "Oh boy", maybe he just raked all of those leaves up and he was going to find a few old time curse words to spew at me.

He pulled up close to me as if he were in an old hot rod, sped up and then slammed on the brakes 2 feet in front of me. I had to jump back.

"Where ya live girl?" I didn't feel like getting into it with an old man, so I tried to just brush him off and say "down the road", and walk away.
Well, that wasn't going to happen, obviously.

"Ya live at the end there doncha?"

"Yes, I do".

"Ya live next to Bobby doncha?"

"No, sir I don't".

"Ya got dogs?"

I thought, "Oh, this is where this is all going". He's gonna talk to me long and hard about how my dogs just bark up a storm and rip me a new one.

Well, without going through every bit of dialogue, it came to be that the old man, was just being an old man...........and ............. ever so endearing to me. So much so that we stood in the road for about 20 minutes, talking about our dogs, the ones we have had the longest, the ones we had to put to sleep, the joy of having dogs, all of their pet peeves, and their cute little ways of being dogs/humans.

I had to talk extra loud and use my lips very specifically since he lost his hearing in the war.

He told me that he and his late wife were the first people to live on that street 40 years ago. She had just passed and he was sharing his love for her, saying that she went around the globe with him for 56 years, following him wherever he needed to be for the war.
He spoke of love, of devotion, and for being with one single person his whole life. He told me every aspect of what love was to him, and how without her, he would not have had a clue what love was.

He went on and on, and I just stared at him with such awe. I noticed every little thing about him. I saw his old wrinkled up tattoos on his fingers and arms, his scars, his ears torn up by bombs, and at the same time feeling an incredible vibration of a long lived soul, who fought for us, for what he whole heartedly believed in, and has made it to a place of being able to talk about it with a total stranger who, just one minute ago, was kicking the leaves, that I am sure he just blew to the curbside early that morning.

I started to well up inside for so many reasons. I felt so humbled to be with him, listening, just plain ol' listening to someone that wanted to talk. And the thing is.........I LOVE OLD PEOPLE! They can talk away, and I will pull up a chair, more so than talking with some people my own age. There is a significant difference, and if I had my druthers, it would always be choosing the elder, for I know, that what will be coming out of their mouthes will be full of hard core experience, a long lived and respected life, no matter who or where they come from, and some wise and funny stories about life, and man..............I LEARN, and always wind up laughing, and leaving with the greatest feeling on earth.

In the span of time that we talked I became even more child like. He asked if I had ever been married, asked if I was ever in love, if I had dreams, and what they were..........and so many other things that just made me feel so alive, and so innocent, beyond the innocence that had already captured me, just by walking out the door.

He said, "Get on". "Excuse me?", I said.

"Hop on kid", he said back.

He scooted up on his giant size riding lawn mower and motioned for me to get on the back. For those of you who know me, you know that there was no hesitation there, so I hopped right on and he skidded away and took me for a little joy ride. He rode along the curb and messed up the same leaves that I messed up by skipping and playing in.

He started laughing and told me to hold on. We both were laughing hysterically!!

He rode me back to where we had met at first. I got off and just stood there in complete awe.

I seriously felt as if God had taken me for a ride, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that within those stories were gems of truths, not only for him, but for me, right now, in my evolution. It all was reverberating within my soul, and the moment we stopped, I felt it whirling inside of me like a cyclone.

He said, " Howard", and stuck out his hand. I said, "Gabriela", and gave him a huge hug and said "Merry Christmas Howard", and Thank You!

He told me to come down and have coffee with him.

"You know", I said to him, I absolutely will! And..............I WILL!

We kinda held hands for a moment. My two hands, and his two hands, all on top of each other.

It was such an "old" moment in time. Call it karmic, call it what you will...........

He drove off, and I walked away.

My walk home was incredibly heightened, and full of a consciousness that even in this moment, I can't quite describe.

Just like the feeling of a first love, or rather, being in love, whether it be a person, or life, shouting it's glory, just like on a day like today, when it is so incredibly hard to describe the euphoria of what it is to be present, to life and to the extreme subtleties of this vast, and complex world.

The actual feeling doesn't make sense. I think it is too grandiose to put into any kind of word, or phrase, or sentence that would actually give it real justice.

I thought to myself, "I'm going to bring him Christmas dinner". I will be cooking, and will be home, doing what I love most.

It added an extreme joy to my soul, knowing that I would make it, with someone else in mind. Someone who would greatly appreciate a good home cooked meal, made in love. I actually envisioned him opening up the door, seeing me, and having a huge smile on his face, knowing that the girl he traipsed around on his riding lawn mower, goofed up a whole buncha leaves with and told a few war and love stories to, showed up on his door step with some ham and stuffing, some good ol' Italian bread and some other goodies that more than likely, won't be able to name upon first sight.

It made me feel soooooooooooo good.

THIS IS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS TO ME!

So, so innocent.

It isn't about the gift.

It's about BEING the gift.

I am ever so grateful for today. It made, not only my entire evening, but capped off my entire holiday, and has given me a boost, to give more, and more, and more, until I just can't give anymore.

By then, I think love will just have captured me enough as to where there isn't even a label anymore. Notof love, or me, or you, or him..............It will just be the supreme essence of LOVE, ITSELF, and no words will need to be spoken herein after.

Merry Merry Christmas to all of you!

I love you so, so much!

May the peace of this day, and every day following, find it's way to your heart.

Gabriela

IF YOU CAN ACCLIMATE........

TO CHANGE............than you really have most of your life licked.

We hear all the time how things change all the time, right? I mean, I don't have to hear it, it shows up in my life on a regular basis, so it's pretty ingrained, although, that does not mean that I have it licked, by any means.

I think when it shows up, time and time again, it just gets easier to deal with, once you get the hang of it, and you stop holding on so much, to things that really aren't the most important things, in the bigger scheme of life.

Today, is just an awakening in how I just want to be open for the good of this soul, whatever that may be, and to be open to change, and flow, and the things that might be good for me, even if I don't see it when it is happening.

You usually get the "good" feeling first, you know, the intuitive rush, and then, of course, it will always be followed right away by a fear that tightens you up and comes up with some reason for you not to be in that flow. Then...........the battle starts, and more times than not, because we are not trusting beings, we go for the fear, and out the window goes the most incredible tool in our lives, and we just keep ignoring it.

I'm polishing up my intuitive act, and making sure it gets squeaky clean so my life continues to go in the direction that I love most.

Hop on the wagon with me. That magic carpet thing............. it can be scary and oh, so lovely at the same time...............

Keep listening to the voice within.

It never lies.

Have a beautiful day. Enjoy the Christmas spirit.

Gabriela

EXCUSES TO LOVE

To me, there are people, situations and events that give you the utmost opportunities to LOVE, THAT MUCH MORE, than you would normally.

It may not seem like a good situation, maybe even a bad one, but, too, the situations where you feel your heart expand, as if it's on cruise control, and you seemingly have "no control" over how much you love, or how it is even expressed, is the biggest blessing in disguise.

Love is grand in that way!

It sure is scary, and no matter the event or situation, there is a healing. You have to really look at the situation and see, closely into it, how you have called that in, and why, and use it to your advantage.

I recently was at odds with a co-worker, and it had been like that for awhile. I don't think we had the greatest chemistry, for obvious, and, not so obvious reasons.

It had been months and months that we had actually spoken, outside of very black and white work lingo. It bothered me, and yet, I wanted to stand a ground, for myself, that stood up for my belief systems.

One night, recently, we had it out, and it bothered me in such a big way.

I usually get along with everyone.

For whatever reason, our chemistry wasn't happening, and a situation occurred.

It was big for me, and for him, as well.

I don't think anyone wants to be in a situation that is uncomfortable, yet, we sometimes operate from places that have been directly pointed to our past, no matter what it has been. We all have our own stories.

The matter was huge and we both had to take some sort of stance that would either, "brake" or "make" us, within a business that we both love and are passionate about.

The other night, as we were closing, we both sat at a table, late...........

We were both doing our Labor Reports, and there was a tension, even sitting at the same table.

It was a moment in time. Maybe that sounds silly to some of you, but for that type of energy, being at the same table was monumental.

We squirmed a bit, and then found our way to talking. Mind you, at first, not even looking at each other.

As the moments went by, we started to talk about personal things, and before you knew it, there was an openness and a vulnerability that was so refreshing, yet so scary. Neither one of us expressed that we were not used to letting people in close, and yet, I let him in, and visa verse.

It was a mere 10 minutes, but in that 10 minutes, I was able to shed a lot of thoughts, as to how I saw this person, and too, how this person may have seen me, and we connected in a way that caught me by such surprise, and by the time we closed the doors, put the alarm on, we were walking each other to our cars, and I hugged him and said Thank You. I actually said, " I don't want to NOT like you". I see why things are the way that they are.

I was so sincere. We may not have the easiest time meshing, but it is there for a reason. He gave me an excuse, unbeknownst to him, TO LOVE, BEYOND WHAT I THOUGHT I COULD!

It is easy to love people who love us!

What isn't so easy, is to love people who may not show us love, or love us in the way that we think they should.

After that night, I felt so completely different, and even emailed him and told him how grateful I was to be able to have that opportunity to forget what had happened and to start new, and to look at him beyond what "seems" to be, and to be fresh with the person that gave me a chance to be me, against whatever ideas they may have of me.

I shared much of myself that he said had made things much more clear, and made sense, as to why he may have made concrete comments on me. Who knows, maybe he sees me differently. I don't want that to make a difference, but it does feel good that we expressed certain things, on a human level that might explain a thing or two.

He, amongst many others, are my EXCUSE TO LOVE MORE DEEPLY, beyond what it looks like.

I am so grateful for those souls that have no idea what their part is in our lives.

I see it, and acknowledge it, and bow down, with great, great gratitude, for their presence in my life, to bring me that much closer to who I am.

Thank you for this beautiful life.

~

WHEN YOU THINK CERTAIN THINGS..........

..........should turn out in your favor, or at least, the way you envision it, and then they don't, you might want to be that fly on the wall, and see how things happen for a reason and maybe the things that you think "should" be, are not happening for some specific reason in your evolution, and maybe, just maybe, it is to your advantage, even if you don't see it while it is happening.

How many times do we wish upon a star, and that star has failed us? So you go and look in the other corner of the sky, and wish upon THAT star, and see how IT TOO, must have been commiserating with the other stars cuz ain't no constellation up there painting any good pictures any time soon, at least not the ones you envisioned anyway.

What happened to that vision stuff? You envision something long enough and it comes to fruition?

Like I said, the stars might be doing us a favor, and saving us from some catastrophe, or some unhealthy situation, or something, something, that tells us, that THAT JUST DOESN'T NEED TO BE HAPPENIN' RIGHT NOW............ GO WITH IT, AND THANK ME LATER KINDA THING.

I remember way back when I was 17, and I had been dating this guy who I was in love with for a coupla years, ( I know, I started young), and we were devoted to each other, didn't see anyone else for years and such. I was so, crazy in love with this guy. Well, at the time I was commuting back and forth to modeling school, and he was doing carpentry work far north, so time didn't allow much at that point, but we were in constant contact. We would write letters back and forth, send tons of stuff via mail, flowers and such......... time away didn't seem that bad. It was kinda romantic to me. After all, no question here, I was his, and his ONLY!

Well, I was at a modeling convention, and something told me to call Gram, (his grandmother) who I was extremely close to. She thought we would marry, at least she was hoping, right along side of me.

Anyway, I was just about to go on the runway, and I couldn't take it anymore. My intuition was killin' me, and the sensation that something was wrong was so strong, I told someone else to go ahead of me, and I went to call her.

As soon as I called her, the first things she said was, "Oh Doll", I am sooooo sorry!

I said, "Sorry for what Gram?"

And she said, "I didn't know there was a baby".

I wasn't quite sure what she was getting at until she said, I am so sorry, and I don't think we'll be seeing you again. I screamed, "WHAT?"

She thought I knew the same thing she was talking about, but evidently, I didn't.

What she was trying to tell me was that Louis, my little beloved, had gotten a girl pregnant, and he felt he needed to do what was right, which was to marry her.

Well, I hung up with such shock in my system, such a great feeling of disrespect, and dishonor, that I truly froze. I was actually frozen in time.

I went on the runway, frozen, stared at people, smiled, and did a dance that I cannot tell you, HOW I DID, but I executed an act of sorts that still, to this day, amazes me, in how I actually got through that 5 minutes of pain, after hearing such alarming news.

I didn't quite get it afterwards and went through some sort of denial stage, and even went to his shore house to see him, to try to figure out what had happened and to at least come to some sort of closure, but......... all that I found when I went to his shore house was wedding pictures all over the house, with him smiling and seemingly so happy, kneeling down kissing his "girl".

I never saw Louis again, ever again, in my life.

It took me years to get over, and never did he call, or write back, or even say, I am sorry!

No nothing!

He was a few years older than me, but to be honest, both of us were pretty mature at that age, and took our relating seriously, at least, it seemed.

I dealt with it in my own way, and too, left a ton behind to figure out, only many years later, when I could be objective enough to know some differences.

Years later I had gotten into a relationship with someone else, and interestingly enough, I had gotten a phone message on my voice mail. It was Louis!

I nearly died when I heard his voice on "our" machine, and couldn't figure out how in the world he had gotten my information, or had found out where I was living, and with whom.

I think I listened to his voicemail 20 times over, just to hear his voice and to make sense of why, why............he was calling me 4 years later.

I felt that familiar feeling of anguish, and literally cried half the day, wondering why this was all happening.

The message was to call him back.

I will skip a lot of long detail, but finally I mustered up the courage to call him back. After all, what would I really want to say to him? I was so angry, so incredibly hurt, and yet, held a silent torch in my heart, for the one who I did love, and who shared some of the most amazing moments of my early life with.

What to say? How is your wife and baby?

Well, he said he tried to find me, and that he wanted to apologize, and to say that I was the one that he should have married, and that he thought about me for years, even though he was married, with not only one, but 5 children, and that his wife became a heroin addict, and uh.......well, he was leaving her and wanted to see if I would have dinner with him and reconnect.

MOUTH WIDE OPEN............. JAW.....NOW HURTS!

GO F..............YOURSELF!

That is some good therapy there!

I did get to tell him how he made me feel, how it affected several years of my life, and how it was a blessing in disguise that things didn't turn out the way I thought they should have. I was grateful for the relationship that I had found, how soothing, supportive and loving it was, and that there was no evidence of drama in it, like he had mentioned about his life, that he thought he so desperately wanted.

Even though there was a ton of pain, even after that, trying to understand the whys and how's of how life works, or how it presents itself sometimes, it showed me, in retrospect, that things really do work out for a reason, and most of the time we just can't see why, but surely enough, if they are not happening, there is a bigger picture happening, and probably, just probably, you might want to go along with what is being served to you, with a bit of trust that, you're gonna be better off, for one reason or another.

So, really, when you think you want things to go exactly as planned, be open to seeing that if it doesn't happen, it is for a specific reason, and you should probably just step outa the way, and let God do his thing.

Someone out there ain't no dummy!

Embrace WHAT IS~

It's happening for a reason!

DOWN TO THE BARE BONES

I am not sure that I ever really thought, that at this point in my life, I would find myself choosing to live such a simple life.

I am not surprised, though, since the things that I love and are attracted to have been there for as long as I can remember.

It's been kind of odd, over the years, trying to really stay in tune, and in alignment with what I want, with what I love, and not feeling guilty about it.

We are so used to being programmed for every last little thing, that god forbid, anything seems out of the "norm", we get, "Oh, she must be depressed", or "Why on earth would anyone want to spend THAT MUCH TIME ALONE", or it's not healthy to do this or that, or..........and the story goes on. I've strayed from the obligitory "should's and shouldnt's", and found such peace in it, rather than contiuously doing things that really don't fulfill me, but hay, they have fulfilled others expectations of me, so that "should" be good right? NO..... just plain' ol'..... NO to that anymore.

I don't get much time off, and when I do, I go straight for what feels good to me, whether it be hanging out in nature, reading, listening to good music, hiking, being with the dogs, cooking..........

It is so very simple, yet, the unbelievable amount of pleasure that it gives me, is just truly unexplainable!

I do have a very social job, so I do get my fare share of people, and man, I really don't think I could go without that either. People are amazing little creatures, no matter what face they show. At the end of the day, it usually tells you a bit about life, why people are the way they are, and too, a bit more about yourself, and maybe how we are probably just like those people, in one sense or another, in all facets.......good, bad, happy, sad.

If one day, everything failed to work, like our computer systems, TVs, radios, all the I's, like Internet, Iphones, Itunes, Ipods, it would really not bother me one bit. I'd laugh and say thanks for the favor.

Although I do love this modality for writing, and it gets to you, I would still have my pen and paper, my own thoughts, still, just no one to write them to, which is really OK, for the most part.

What would happen if everything all of a sudden got quiet? Nothing to occupy our minds that we think need so much attention and activity?

Could you allow yourself to melt into a silence that maybe you never"heard" of? What would happen if you actually liked it? Would you chalk it up to a once in a lifetime experience, or would you want more?

Do you.......want more? If so, what more........are you looking for?

When you get down to the bare bones, there is a life happening that vibrates on such an exquisite level.

And, it doesn't have to be that you are quiet in the woods.

You can come out of the woods, or wherever you are, and bring that along, and carry it with you during your days.

Sometimes I will be floating around at work, being busy, and doing this or that, and that vibration will stop me, inside, although I am going 90 to nothing, in a whirlwind. It is almost deafening......... the sounds of some sort of phenomenon grabs my attention, and there I am, caught smiling, and happy for "no reason", no reason at all.............

IT gets you to act silly, to smile like crazy, to cheer people up, to skip while you are moving, to be so unedited, and to love from one spot.........and one spot only. Everyone sort of gets a taste of your little secret phenomenon going on inside, and then they just think you are a nice person.

Well, I am a nice person, (thanks mom), but no............ they are getting that spark that's been ignited by the most tender love you will ever know. (and me).

It really is the bare bones of life happening that, unbeknownst to you, gives you life, gives you a glimpse into the unknown, and allows you to peek at a part of yourself that you don't generally see, because you are too busy to give it LIFE, and time to set in "fertile ground".

Take an hour, or two, or more, a day............just stop, and find out what the bare bones are for you. Find out what it does, or what it gives to you.

You may want to invite yourself to dinner, or take yourself out on dates, more often than you do, your own lover.

~

IF.............

........... it isn't

supporting

your

Awakening,

it

isn't

worth

it!

~

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU???

So much of the time we are wanting something, or craving something, or just, in general, desiring to get from A to B, and are stuck in our own little heads, with our own routines, schedules, and ideas of where or what we should be doing.

What if we took half of that energy, maybe even a quarter of it, and thought about something we could do for someone else?

It doesn't have to be anything crazy. It could be helping the lady at the grocery store who is struggling with her cart and the groceries, and you go over and help her out. Stuff like that is where people go home and say.......... wow, what a little angel, that couldn't have come at a better time, or something like that, you know what I'm saying.

This is by no means for you to set out for the day to go get brownie points, or a star on your forehead. It just really takes you out of yourself, to do for other people every once in awhile, and I tell you, it frees your mind of any kind of worry, or fears that are so readily available to tell you how you can't do this or can't do that, or whatever your case might be.

There is a very specific, amazing, sensation that fills me when I can be that person, who is able to help in some way, no matter what it is.

I made friends with an 80 year old woman the other day when she needed help in the grocery store. She thought I worked there, (that does happen a lot, it's funny), and so we got to talking, and soon her grocery cart was full with Italian goodies, enough for a great meal for her family, we shared recipes, gave each other contact information, and I wound up taking her to the check out line, put up all of her groceries, and walked her out to her car.

I swear, it was a day in heaven for me, to be able to connect with her like that. Who she was, I didn't know, but there is a certain spark that happens, and it doesn't even matter WHO, OR WHY.........IT JUST IS...........and there you have it.............LIFE..........outside of our nucleus that is so darn entrenched with thoughts about this, and thoughts about that.

I am so ready to chunk all of that out the window, and throw caution to the wind.

It makes me feel so much more whole, than to masturbate dead thoughts that make you feel like you are drowning in quick sand half the time.

I am full of life today, and full inside, with the simple stuff that makes my life so worthwhile.

What can we do for someone else today?

Not just today, but everyday..............

What a clean feeling............

My heart is ablaze.

Have a wonderful day. It is so, so beautiful out!

love,
as always,
gabriela

HOW FLEETING LIFE IS.........

..........Just take a moment today............ reflect on what you have, who you have, and how none of that can ever be replaced by money, things, or any kind of status...........

This life is so incredibly amazing...........with all of it's misfortune, chaos, and seemingly "unfair" ways...........

It DOES BRING US JOY, in more ways than we care to recognize.

There is always a choice............. in ever given situation.............some we are keen on seeing, some, not.............

That is hopefully what we are all here to do, is remind each other how to get back to that simplicity, how to cultivate it in all of our moments, and go on in this precious life that we were so blessed to be given.

Enjoy the cold, enjoy your fires, the rain, and all of the amazing trees that are turning color right before our eyes.

Check it out..............really............if it doesn't take your breath away, I don't know what will!!

So much love,
it's crazy!

Love you all,
Gabriela

BEING ALONE IS REALLY OK...........

No, really............it is!!

I don't think a lot of people truly embrace their time alone. Maybe they do if it is for a weekend or two, but not long term. I think they start thinking of when they will find a significant other, when they will have sex again, when they will be able to have someone to share things with on a regular basis.

All valid, and true, to what your needs are, and what you are experiencing.

I happen to love my alone time, and almost cannot see having someone rain on my parade, but too, wish, only in certain moments, that maybe a certain someone would be here, for me to cook for, massage, go for walks with, laugh with, watch good movies, me make yummy desserts, or fun things to munch on............. tuck someone in, read to someone..............

Those ARE fun things, and things that I completely enjoy...............BUT.........

Without it, life is grand...........and there is so much to be said about being alone, with your own time, your own schedule, your own everything.............. it is almost too good to be true!

I would have to sit and really think about some sort of balance that could happen because being along has so much to offer, and I cannot imagine going to work, and coming home after a long day, with noise, and people, and then starting a new cycle with a person that "needed" something from me.

Who knows? Maybe they wouldn't need a thing, and all I would have to do is come home and enjoy?

It is the most intricate subject, and balancing act, that I am not sure I have aced that circus act yet.

It is so delicate, and you really have to be devoted, in my eyes, to really make something gel, so genuinely, and comfortably.

And that is saying that we are honest now. Most people won't be honest, and they say it is all good, but really............ they are just not happy.

How do you feel in your alone time? Are you really happy? Can you be OK with yourself? Are you wishing someone else was there with you to fill up the time?

Or are you on my end, where you love your alone time so much that it is hard to imagine someone there, doing this and that with you?

There isn't one better than the other, but for sure, both ends are good, and it really just depends on what you gravitate towards.

My wish is that everyone get cozy within themselves, and then no matter if someone enters your life, or not, you are fine, and happy.

You, are your own icing on the cake.

Now, if someone wants to bring another flavor to the table then OK..............but at least you aren't waiting for that "someone" to bring one particular flavor, and then that is it.............and then if it doesn't work out, you freak out!

That is NOT what I am talking about.

What I am talking about is.........

Be yourself, no matter how it looks.

Make yourself happy in your alone time.

Laugh, sing, dance, do whatever, but know that it is your own joy that makes YOU HAPPY. Not someone else, and not someone elses package.

Check yourself out when you are alone. See if it is something that you like, and then make a date with yourself.

Compare it to what you think you need or want.

I bet your thoughts change, IF you give it ample time to digest, and to really think about what you love and what comes first.

I actually want y'all to consider being alone for awhile, and journaling what it is like to be totally alone, carefree, and doing whatever it is that you love and enjoy most.

Get back to me. I am whole heartedly interested.

Have a great night.

Gabriela

LISTEN........REALLY LISTEN......TO THIS......

YOU DON'T

HAVE

TO

BE

THIN

TO

BE

GORGEOUS!

~

REMEMBERING YOUR CHILDHOOD YEARS

It is a completely wild ride, if you really sit back and pan on your life as a young child. See what you were doing, what you were experiencing, how life was, and how, really, those exact moments, have molded you to who you are today.

I am talking about the ages of 2, 3, 4.......and up.......I mean, I can remember, explicitly, events that were happening at age 2. Call me crazy, but I can back it up.

It's kind of like watching the Titanic. It starts out by watching the elder, and how they live their life, but then pans back on an intense reality, that really DID happen, and you watch the "movie" as it plays, back in time, and it reels you in, giving you a good sense of what really went on, back then, and how it measures up to how you are to this day.

There are milestones.

We really are troopers for withstanding all that we do, and all that comes our way.

We do have grey hair for reasons, I kid you not! My 7 dollar box of medium brown truffle becomes my angel every 6 weeks. Issues, or no issues.

I have somewhat reunited with a step sister, who was in my life, whole heartedly, at one point in my life. It was at a very young and impressionable age, where life was just good, you are young, and nothing really matters but getting up, eating cereal, and seeing what your parent has in store for you for the day.

We have not physically met again, but my other brothers and sister have. They are all on the East Coast and are close enough to meet when they want.

I am still far away, with my own life, and well, the "reuniting" has been intense enough from a distance that somehow, it seems good enough for me right now, just to digest, and to get a grip on how this is all playing out, and why, and how to embrace it with a clarity, and a consciousness that will only serve me well in the long run.

Ya know, maybe it is just my nature to dig deep. Why I wrote maybe in that sentence bewilders me.

IT IS MY NATURE TO DIG DEEP.

We are talking about a family that was "bestowed upon us" at very early stages of our lives.

I'm talkin bout 40 some years ago.

There are volumes to tell, and it is beautiful, and sad, and so many other words that could describe a life full of events that were put in front of us for reasons unbeknownst to us at the time, but now, make sense, and so the puzzle gets put together, all of these years later, and you go............. Woa............. was this REALLY my life, and were these people REALLY in my life?

It seems so long ago, almost dream like, and yet, they were such a pertinent part of your life, much more impressionable than you care to realize.

Once you start thinking about the people, the events and all of the scenarios that took place, you go................... Wow, this REALLY WAS MY LIFE...............This is NOT a movie............it was just so long ago that it DOES REALLY SEEM DREAM LIKE.

If you care to look at the whys and how's of life, you will instantly be grateful for any, any event that re-surfaces and shows you a part of your past that somehow, is still, yes........still a part of your ever growing and evolving relationship with yourself, and your own particular evolution, and how it all makes sense, in the bigger scheme of things.

This is the continuation of a TV series that you hate to wait for, week to week, the conclusions of certain subject matter. This subject cannot be left here, just as a December 10Th blog, and then nothing else to consider.

I will have to continue.

The content and the message is way too deep, and too revealing to leave it in such shallow waters.

Let me say, "To be continued", and not very fond of those words, but, please, so no one gets agitated at my long blogs as it is, and allow me time, to contemplate this subject further, as it has "rights" of sorts, to further detail the "immeshings" of the past.

I am ever so grateful for my past, everyone in it, and how they have molded my life, to present.

Thank you times 10.

For lack of better expression.

Love,
As always,
Gabriela

WILLINGLY BARING YOUR SOUL

How often do you actually bare your raw, raw selves, with words, or actions, that bring you to the very precise moment in your evolution, that tells you a story about yourself?

You somehow get to look at your life objectively, and get to scope out just how you are, and how it is impacting your life, your surrounding life, and the people in it.

In baring your soul, you leave yourself so wide open for so many things. Scrutiny, judgement, love, reciprocated, or..... no answer at all!

No matter what the outcome you are willingly putting yourself out there for any of the above, and more.

You almost have to be ready for anything if you are that willing to express your soul, so intimately, and so boldly.

You can't just put yourself out there, and then anticipate your own wants and desires to come forth, without thinking WHO you are baring yourself to.

It is a huge crap shoot!

Love is risky..........so incredibly risky!

I'm not sure whether it is better to reveal all, and go along with whatever emotion gets evoked, and deal with THAT, or, to not reveal it, and just guess, in your head, as to what someone may or may not say? One screams safety net, and the other, of course, is screaming risk taker, and fool! Yes, fool.............. take that how you want to take it.

It's like sizzling on a hot seat, to bare your soul, not knowing, or even hearing how the other person will respond.

Wait a minute, did I just transport myself way back in time, to a similar scenario?

Yes, I think I did.

I'm not surprised!

If you are willing to bare your soul, for one reason or the other, be ready to embrace things that will show up. More than likely, old things, that need to be healed, or just to be woken up in you, for you to remember why they are actually there, and then, you don't have to respond in the same way, as you did back then, or whenever that scenario happened, that seems so familiar.

In some instances, it may seem easier to just put the pillow over your face, and call it a bad dream, but more than likely, you will be "haunted" by that "dream", time and time again, until you aren't afraid of the "monster" in the dark, and you willingly choose to turn on the light switch, to light up the same room that seems so spooked with darkness.

Even though it seems scary, sizzling, or whatever emotion that may arise, I say, "Rise to the occasion", and let your soul speak what it needs.

You'll work things out, don't worry.

Love is peculiar. There is no "right" way to go about speaking it, sharing it, embracing it, giving it, or too, receiving it. Just know that if you want to be free, in your heart, it is best to release the love, and you will surely get a response from "someone" out there, as to how it will affect your particular evolution, or.................NOT!

You may ride on the seat of your pants waiting for a response from someone or something out there, and find that nothing is happening, and then you find yourself utterly disappointed in the Universe, or pissed at "God" for not responding accordingly.

Love and let go..............LOVE...........AND ............LET.............GO..............

After all, when you love, aren't you loving for the sheer joy of...........loving?

If we are waiting for a response, than we are then, not loving................ we are EXPECTING!

The innocence of it all has just then collapsed into a wanting, and the love that was so pure was robbed by a desire to want something in return.

Bare your soul with no expectations!

Receive the gift!

Don't try to change the gift............accept the gift for what it is............... for what..... IT IS..... is there, for you, for a reason, and you surely asked for it, in every way, every last little way, even if it looks like you didn't.

When you bare your soul, "SOMEONE OUT THERE" listens, and gives you what you ultimately need...............

GO WITH IT!

JUST
GO
WITH
IT!

This is a thank you................ a big thank you, for who or whatever decided to talk through me tonight.............

It is exactly what I needed to hear.

I love you guys,

Stay with me.......

It is a ride............

but all will be ok!

Gnite

FOR NOT WANTING TO BE A MOTHER......

.......I sure do get plenty of opportunities to be one, in so many ways. Maybe not ALL, but surely, 90% or more, comes to me, and I have to stand back, like tonight, when things are THAT obvious, and go with the objectivity of it all, and acknowledge that, even though I have not had children, I always seem to attract situations where I do have to be a "mother" of sorts. And not even HAVE to, but the moment brings a situation, and there I find myself in the middle of something that non other than a mother would be in, or, I guess I could say, a friend too.

To me, mother and friend go hand in hand. Not everyone can say that, but I can.

My mother and I were more friends. Maybe I shouldn't say "more", but our relating was definitely a friendship..........and too, trust me, I did get grounded a bunch, and so therein lies the mother aspect, not the friend.............. but............the friend, masked!

Tonight was a slow night at work, and it lended for a warm type of atmosphere. It was raining and cold out. I thought for sure there wouldn't be anyone in their right mind coming in to eat a pizza, but yes, customers came in, but it was quiet, to say the least. I didn't mind, and it left room to get a lot of things done.

It also left room for me to pan on so many things at work.

I got to visit with my employees, a little bit here, and a little bit there, and found the night to be very interesting, and quite fulfilling, for many different reasons.

One individual, who I never get "chatty" with, decided that tonight, for some reason, he wanted to open up to me, and ask my advice about a relationship that he was about to enter.
Now, you have to understand that this particular individual is quite set in his ways, (in a good way), and you can always expect the same from him, no matter what. Not chatty in the least, very matter of fact, does his job and gets the hell outa dodge.

Well, tonight, he pulled me aside and told me how if he talked to anyone, it would be me, about this conversation we were about to have.

He took me off guard, and when he asked if I had a moment, I said, "absolutely".

He started to tell me about a date he went on, and how he felt, and he thought of me, wondering how I would feel about the situation. I didn't take it as weird, or anything like that. He's a cool guy, and intuitively speaking, there would be nothing to worry about on my end.

When the conversation started, I thought"wow, this is odd", but then I said, hmmmmm, I am honored, in a sense. I don't know why.....I have barely spoken to this man, except for counting down his drawer and making sure he is doing his job, which he always does, on the money, no second guessing.

He opened up to me, like I said, a surprise, and no sooner do you know, it unfolded as an "intimate" conversation about life, listening to ones own intuition, as opposed to just flying into situations, head on with no recognition of something higher that might be telling us something.

He asked me my advice, so naturally, I gave it to him, with no attachment to whether he took it or not. Just seemed like a simple equation, yet, it's not me, so it may not seem THAT simple.

It wasn't only that situation, but several, almost all, employees had some sort of question about life, or love, or some burning desire, that they felt the need to express, and gladly felt comfortable enough to share, or ask any particular questions that they may have had.

Mind you, it still blows my mind that these kids are 20 and 25 years younger than myself, so trying to get a grip around that is enough, but then when they confide in me, and start opening up, it takes on a whole new life, and there I sit, in sort of a bewildered state, trying to be the thing that comes the hardest for me.........detached..........yet, open!

I was proud to find myself being most objective, to these little souls that were asking so much from me, but in no way was it depleting. As a matter of fact, I felt a very deep sweetness, maybe like a "mother" would have.

Some kids just want your approval, some trying to show you they are good enough, some wanting you to acknowledge them as people, not just as a label of what they are.......at work.

I was truly honored tonight, to be there, listening, to these human beings, who are just like me, no difference. People who are getting along in life, doing what they love, or, need to be doing, in order to get to where they want to be............ but sweet as all get out, in their way.

I loved listening, getting to know these people that I spend so much time with, and glad to have had the down time to actually look at these souls, beyond a schedule, beyond marking their names in a slot on a clip board, or giving them detailed instructions on how to do this, or do that.

I connected with so many souls tonight, that actually took me out of myself, and what is going on with me, and had the blessed opportunity to listen, to gently give feedback, and to verbally recognize my interactions with these people, and too, allow them to do their jobs, in a calm fashion, yet stay focused, and alert.

It is imperative to me to be able to relate to people with compassion and too, in such a way that they will be able to execute anything you ask, as long as their is that allowance, for people to be who they are, within what they do.

I'm not talking about being a push over, and not getting the job done. I'm talking about allowing people to be who they are, in their job, that they spend most of their time at.

It is important for me to be able to balance the work side, and too, almost imperative, to give myself, and whoever works for or with me, the same opportunity.

Look, we spend 10-12 hours a day with these people. I find it an art to balance the things that are important to me, and how it "should" translate to others.

It is their work day as well. I'm not above them, so to speak.

I want everyone to be able to enjoy their day, to be able to go home with a good feeling that they had an awesome day at work, no matter what the load or how busy it was.

To me, it means a lot to know that you work many, many hours at a job, and to be able to go home saying that you had an awesome day at work.............well.............that means a lot to me.

So, I guess it is like a relationship.

You do have to balance it all out.

There are responsibilities, of course, but then too, it is a fine art, to execute firmness, and, allowance.

No one should go home loathing their job. If that is the case, I'm in the wrong place, or I have not gotten creative enough to make it a place of learning, of love, of hard work, and laughing.......... there are many things to embrace and if you can do those things, I think you've aced a big part of the working world.

There are always going to be obstacles, learning curves, and things you don't feel like doing, and I think that goes for almost anywhere, but............. there is an art to everything.

For me, it is an art to be stern, to be detached enough to get the point across.

For others, it may be an art to be nice, to be sweet enough, to be able to listen, to embrace people for where they are at, or how their particular lives are going.

Not everyone is in the same place. We all have our own individual situations, and really, YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ANYONE.

We all are on the same path, with maybe some different detours here and there, but by all means, we have to know that we all are different.

Your face may be more white, or maybe I'm olive, or you, dark, from , Mexico or India, who knows......... we may speak different languages, eat different foods, have different lifestyles, but......by god, we all ALL THE SAME............... PLEASE LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN............WE .......ARE .........ALL .........THE .......SAME!!!

The sooner we embrace that, the sooner we can relax and know that there is THAT MUCH LESS, that we have to stress over, or to deal with.

Don't let me get redundant on the holding hands thing okay?

I am/was grateful for my night tonight that held many different conversations, and all important and valid.

It was the first time, in a long time, that I felt as if being at my job gave me something outside of what it all looks like.

People, in general, give me life, only because it always goes back to how we perceive ourselves, and how, with that bottom line, we perceive life and what our goals and morals wind up becoming........hopefully something that will change a spirit, a soul, or someone who is working at the deli counter on a Monday night.

You never know just who, who.............will change your direction in life.

Sometimes the "smallest" of people, make the biggest impact.

That is my experience.............way back then..............

and

now!

Stick with me!

~

FROM THE BELOVED......

......ATTRACTS THE LOVER!

We race hotly

after the lover,

but when the lover comes,

we are absent.

You,

are

a lover

of

God!

But "he" is such

That when "he comes",

there isn't a drop of you

remaining,

for with "his" look

A hundred like you

will wither

away.

You're like a shadow

in love with the sun.

When the intensity

of light

appears

YOU VANISH,

Chasing your own

self

away!

~

SO MANY TITLES, SO MANY WORDS........

Yet........ what title can you really put on something so grand as a soul?

How many words can really encompass a true, honest, soul?

At some point you just get silent, and commune with what transpired between you, and a soul.

You silently acknowledge the greatness in that soul, the impact that they made here on this earth, and with all of us here that were lucky enough to be the recipients of such generosity, such innocence, and a love that only comes once in a lifetime.

My friend, very suddenly passed tonight.

A young, courageous, beautiful, artistic, funny, loving, extremely talented, compassionate captivating soul.

No warning!

One minute fine, the next thing you know, she is in a coma, and has a stroke, and gets put on life support.

The decision is made, and life support is taken from her, and instantly, she passes!

What just happened?

What just happened to the beautiful soul that had the world going for her?

The ideas we had........... art, film.......... passion for love.......... and how to execute that in our art?

How two people could collaborate in making love appear before you! To touch people with a vision that somehow comes to us, with a respect, and honor for the beyond!

My friend, an amazing mother, sister to many, a divine soul, emulating a divinity that only comes around every once in a blue moon, if that!

Here it is again, questioning our very existence, beyond these bodies.

Why? You can't help but to ask why? Especially when it isn't "supposed" to be that time. So young, so talented, so beautiful, soulful, and magnetic!

She touched so many hearts with her genuineness, her lust for life, for love, and for her spirituality.

She had amazing people surround her as she left here.

What more could you want than for your loved ones to hold hands, pray, and sing, and celebrate a life that was honored, cherished and respected.

Tonight as I went for my walk, I looked up at the stars and had so many thoughts. I cried and said, "I am sorry", but then I said out loud, " Maybe I'm not". Maybe this journey is supposed to have"ended" or "begun", in essence, for you? Who is to say that one is better than the other?

I often think that life on the "other side" would be quite the wonderment, a sort of solid reprieve from this game of life.

Sometimes when there is a deep acknowledgement for life, for the reality of it all, there is a succulence toward the beyond, and it is almost a YES, YES, YES, to the unknown, in a very mysterious, reassuring way!

It isn't the "death" that people make it out to be. It is actually a beginning to really LIVING LIFE, and not reacting to it, but living it, in the truest of ways.

I look around my house, and see the enormity of a soul, so deep, so intimate with her work, and how it translates to the beyond, in physical form.

Her work was my muse!

The depth and passion in her artwork attracted me like no other, and we collaborated the mystery of life through words, and form.

Her innocence attracted every woman, man, child.............. she lit up a room with her depth, her innocence and love.

There is so much to say!

I am honored to have known such a soul, and will always remember the day we met, how buying her first painting, as a birthday gift for myself, and how, unbeknownst to me, such "extravagance" for me, would turn out to be a meal for she and her children, and maybe some clothes and transportation, at the time.

We both were a gift for one another.

That painting, amongst many of hers, hangs above my fireplace, in which the light shines so beautifully, on a figure, so surrendered, so naked and beautiful, telling volumes to all who can hear the silent call of a burning soul, thirsty for expression, through a vehicle called art.......paint.............and the amazing beauty of Gods way, to be the vehicle for so many of us, to translate what it is, that is so pertinent to get across.........to gently translate love, in the many ways that we can.

That painting is of her...........a self portrait of beauty, of love, and a divinity that, tonight, I honor, just as much as I do everyday, that I walk in my front door.

I love you Andrea.

Thank you for all that you have been for all of us.

May your beautiful soul rest in the arms of LOVE.

Your essence will be missed by so many!

My full heart, is with you,

now and always!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

"Good-night" sweet soul.

Gabriela........ (lovely).....you know what I am talking about ;)

WE ALL GET SCARED

So, I have these floors in my house that dogs curse at! No, really, they do. They are pergo, and trust me when I tell you, if dogs could talk they would be sounding a bit Soprano-ish tonight.

One of my dogs, who, since I moved here, has said under his breath, "these floors suck", and hasn't let me forget it every morning as we try to go outside and he waits at the bottom of the stairs, hoping I will pull out the rubber mat that I bought, just for him, upon moving in, because he slipped and slided all over.

It traumatized him enough where now, he won't even go up the stairs until I set down these rubber mats, up the stairs, and ........leading to the front door, so there is no chance he will slip and roller skate to the front door.

Well, now that he has preened me, I have this ritual, and it gets him up and out of the house.

I mean, I do feel bad. He is terrified of these floors. He gets this look on his face and it is terrible, I hafta say!

Well, he has been fine for months until the other day when he had a little incident. One of the rugs slipped out from under him and he slid, and then tried to make his way down the steps and fell. He slid down the steps, and fell at the bottom. My heart sunk, only because I know how terrified he gets, and now, I knew this would be a big deal. Once he is afraid, it takes forever for him to come back to trusting that everything will be OK.

When he was little I would hoist them all up into the back of my F150, head out and take them all hiking, or just go for walks. He would have to jump up into the back of the truck, and he loved it, until, he fell. Well, never again did he want to go in the back of the truck. As a matter of fact, it took me months to retrain him to even walk towards the truck, to trust me enough to let him know that everything would be OK, that I had his back.

Such was the case today.

One, he didn't want to go outside because they are spoiled. It's freakin 20 degrees out. I'm not going out either if I don't have to, so he was hesitant. But, momma won't be home for another 10 hours, so I nudged him and tried to get him out, but he stood at the bottom of the stairs, wanting to come up. No matter how many mats I put down, he was terrified to climb those stairs, thinking, no way, I don't wanna fall. It hurts too much. The memory of that is over the top, I can tell.

Well after trying to coax him and watching the clock, he wasn't moving, and I was going to be late for work if I didn't bust a move, one way or the other. So, I had to do this whole thing...........just to get him to go pee. It's too long to tell, but trust me, it was a dance. Once he started to trust me, he wanted to stay, and play, and do all sorts of stuff.

That wasn't what was in store. Momma was about to rush, like she hates.

I left, and came home and since they had been in the house for so many hours, I darted right in to let them out. Well, everyone was out but Tippie. I noticed again that he wouldn' t come up the stairs. He was frozen at the bottom of the stairs. He kept climbing up to the top, but looked at the rugs, and could tell he associated those rugs with not being sturdy, and seeing himself slipping and falling again. Each time he went up those stairs, he stopped, looked around and climbed back down. Again and again he would try, but still nothing. Finally I had to coax him with treats, sweet talk, tons of love and talking to him, trying anything to even get him to trust ME, HIS MOM, to reassure him that he would be OK, especially with me.

It took forever, and it was a pain, but I have to tell you. He taught me so much about myself, in watching this little scenario. He taught me that We all get Scared, for so many reasons, and that it isn't always that easy to trust the climb, back to some sort of "normal" place that everyone thinks should be so adaptable or easy.

He fell hard, and it scarred his memory. It obviously stuck, you could see it in his body, in his frozen sort of way. He is always flexible, and ready to go........... it was obvious that his body took on a whole new language.

It so reminded me of me, when I am scared, and I just don't want to recall a memory, especially if it is painful. Why climb those stairs again when you can take a detour that might be a bit more safe?

He made me realize that our lives ARE DELICATE, and that no ONE persons trek can be negated in any way. How do I know how someone has been scarred?

Like Tippie, it obviously affected him so greatly that for a dog that is so foot loose and fancy free, is now locked into place, by a memory of an incident that happened a coupla times, but now, he is responding to life, as if his body IS THAT MEMORY.

It was so incredibly enlightening to see the parallels, and so it made me take my time with him, to try any and everything to get him to a place of comfort, anything that would take him away from that horrible memory, and to a place of comfort, safety and love............ with utmost trust!

He hesitated and still does not trust that he won't fall and feel horrible again, but when he did finally get up the stairs he took off like a bat out of hell and just raced out the door. He was panting like crazy.

What was going on in his psyche? His body took on so much stress, and I sat and watched this whole show that showed me my life, in many aspects, of when I am frightened, or scared, or locked into a position inside that I feel I cannot get out of. That paralysis has theory behind it!
Tonight he showed me so much about the body, and how it reacts to situations, when in fear, and how it stays with you, until there is a certain amount of trust that can be gained by someone or something, that guides you gently, to show you that truly, even though you fell, there is nothing to be afraid of, and that you can keep moving, walking and climbing stairs, even if it seems scary, and the fall, hard!

I am still reeling in my observations, but wanted to at least jot down some of what I was feeling, it was that captivating.

No matter who or what we are, we are all souls, on our own trek. We all have different scenarios that we deal with, but the bottom line is, we can beat our own fears. We have tiny little angels all around that disguise themselves with one label or another, and they are there to help hold our hands in rough times, to be able to guide us through our fears, the rough spots that we can't seem to do on our own, and somehow, they make it look easy, even if it isn't.

My dog still doesn't trust me, but at least I got him to follow me up the stairs, so he could go out. That is no small undertaking. That dog was in the utmost fear, and although it took me almost an hour to get him to climb the stairs, AT LEAST HE DID.......... tomorrow will be another day, and I will be there for him, even if I have to wake up 2 hours early, just so he can feel comfortable and safe enough, to walk up those stairs confident, that he will not fall, and even if he doesn't believe it, at least he will hear my voice, and see my hand reaching out, for him to get that much closer to me, to feel my warmth, and genuine love, that I will be there, and for him to know that I will never leave his side, for one moment, not one moment in time.

Tonight...........right now, he sits by my feet, his head on the top of my foot, content as ever, with a feeling of security. He knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am here, and will never, ever, leave his side, and will always be aware of his fears, insecurities, and do any, any, anything, to help him to overcome things that keep him in any other place than something like a womb, where it is warm and safe, and too, no question about the safety of his life!

P.S. Ok, I just took a steak bone upstairs to give to one of the other dogs, and there was Tippie, right by my side........yes, at the top of the stairs.............. thinking HE was getting the bone........... what is the moral of the story here? Honestly, I was just about to finish this blog, and before sending it, I went up stairs to give Che' Che' the bone, and there was Tippie............not scared, not taking an hour to get up there................ WHAT IS THE MORAL FOR GABRIELA?

How does this relate to me? Look at life like a steak bone? What? No seriously......... he just added a whole other dimension to my thoughts.............but too much for tonight............ wild! I tell you it's wild!

How many hours in the day?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................... and so the story goes.................

Gnite my sweet friends............. thanks for always listening, and for responding in such sweet ways that help me in my evolution, and too, help me to understand this wild and crazy SPLASH OF TIME............in this gigantic Universe.

I am ever so grateful..............

I love you guys.........

Gabriela

~

THERE ARE AS MANY NIGHTS....

as days........and the
one
is just as long
as the other
in the years course.

Even a happy life
cannot be without
measure
of
darkness
and
the word
happy
would lose it's
meaning
if it were not
balanced
by sadness!

~

IF THE "SHOULDS" ARE TALKING........

....THEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!

I know when I find myself saying "I should do this, or I should do that", than my life is not equal to what my soul wants or envisions.

Sometimes it may seem as if it is the "right" thing, but if you look at it closely, the only reason why you may gravitate towards it, is because it feels comfortable, and you don't have to do much thinking or applying, hence, "the easy way out".

I find myself trying to fine tune my life, so that things are in some sort of alignment.
That doesn't mean in alignment with the way everyone else sees my life, or my career, or my relations. It simply means, I am trying to fine tune my life to what is healthy, and parallel to what MY soul is needing, for it's own growth, for this particular person, with her own set of wants, needs, and desires.

Every one will have a different menu as far as what they want and desire.

There truly is no right or wrong here, maybe just differences in opinion and taste.

All I really wanted to convey tonight is that if you are talking in your head, or, out loud, with the should's and shouldn'ts........you might want to re-evaluate. More than likely, you are compromising yourself in some way, and a few things need to be tweeked, so that your life is following closely to what your heart is feeling, and so desiring.

Check it out. Make changes where changes are due.

Stay true to the real voices that talk to you of love and of Truth. Your body will naturally tell you what is what. Listen and feel to what your body tells you. It will never lie. Even if it seems like you "should" be doing this or that.............. really ask your "self" or your body............. what it is that you REALLY WANT.

Feel what it is ..............listen to your body.......it always, always, speaks volumes!

I'm goin to check in myself.

Goodnight.

Love,

As always,
me

STAYING FOCUSED

Narrow your lives down to what it is you are passionate about, and do WHATEVER, it takes to get you there!

Really?!

End of story!

Go for it.

Find out what you need to do, to live your dreams, and start plotting and planning!

One step at a time!

Don't look at the big picture, just look at what is in front of you, and what little, little step you can take to get you that much closer to what you want.

If you look at the whole picture, you will get overwhelmed. Just see it, then come back to this moment and take baby steps...........as long as you are doing something everyday, that gets you that much closer.

I'm with you............more than you know.

It's the holding hands thing again............trust me, it works!

Has it not?

You tell me!

Have an incredible evening...........

Dream big, dream precise, and carry those thoughts throughout your day.

All of my heart felt love,
Gabriela