WHEN YOU THINK CERTAIN THINGS..........

..........should turn out in your favor, or at least, the way you envision it, and then they don't, you might want to be that fly on the wall, and see how things happen for a reason and maybe the things that you think "should" be, are not happening for some specific reason in your evolution, and maybe, just maybe, it is to your advantage, even if you don't see it while it is happening.

How many times do we wish upon a star, and that star has failed us? So you go and look in the other corner of the sky, and wish upon THAT star, and see how IT TOO, must have been commiserating with the other stars cuz ain't no constellation up there painting any good pictures any time soon, at least not the ones you envisioned anyway.

What happened to that vision stuff? You envision something long enough and it comes to fruition?

Like I said, the stars might be doing us a favor, and saving us from some catastrophe, or some unhealthy situation, or something, something, that tells us, that THAT JUST DOESN'T NEED TO BE HAPPENIN' RIGHT NOW............ GO WITH IT, AND THANK ME LATER KINDA THING.

I remember way back when I was 17, and I had been dating this guy who I was in love with for a coupla years, ( I know, I started young), and we were devoted to each other, didn't see anyone else for years and such. I was so, crazy in love with this guy. Well, at the time I was commuting back and forth to modeling school, and he was doing carpentry work far north, so time didn't allow much at that point, but we were in constant contact. We would write letters back and forth, send tons of stuff via mail, flowers and such......... time away didn't seem that bad. It was kinda romantic to me. After all, no question here, I was his, and his ONLY!

Well, I was at a modeling convention, and something told me to call Gram, (his grandmother) who I was extremely close to. She thought we would marry, at least she was hoping, right along side of me.

Anyway, I was just about to go on the runway, and I couldn't take it anymore. My intuition was killin' me, and the sensation that something was wrong was so strong, I told someone else to go ahead of me, and I went to call her.

As soon as I called her, the first things she said was, "Oh Doll", I am sooooo sorry!

I said, "Sorry for what Gram?"

And she said, "I didn't know there was a baby".

I wasn't quite sure what she was getting at until she said, I am so sorry, and I don't think we'll be seeing you again. I screamed, "WHAT?"

She thought I knew the same thing she was talking about, but evidently, I didn't.

What she was trying to tell me was that Louis, my little beloved, had gotten a girl pregnant, and he felt he needed to do what was right, which was to marry her.

Well, I hung up with such shock in my system, such a great feeling of disrespect, and dishonor, that I truly froze. I was actually frozen in time.

I went on the runway, frozen, stared at people, smiled, and did a dance that I cannot tell you, HOW I DID, but I executed an act of sorts that still, to this day, amazes me, in how I actually got through that 5 minutes of pain, after hearing such alarming news.

I didn't quite get it afterwards and went through some sort of denial stage, and even went to his shore house to see him, to try to figure out what had happened and to at least come to some sort of closure, but......... all that I found when I went to his shore house was wedding pictures all over the house, with him smiling and seemingly so happy, kneeling down kissing his "girl".

I never saw Louis again, ever again, in my life.

It took me years to get over, and never did he call, or write back, or even say, I am sorry!

No nothing!

He was a few years older than me, but to be honest, both of us were pretty mature at that age, and took our relating seriously, at least, it seemed.

I dealt with it in my own way, and too, left a ton behind to figure out, only many years later, when I could be objective enough to know some differences.

Years later I had gotten into a relationship with someone else, and interestingly enough, I had gotten a phone message on my voice mail. It was Louis!

I nearly died when I heard his voice on "our" machine, and couldn't figure out how in the world he had gotten my information, or had found out where I was living, and with whom.

I think I listened to his voicemail 20 times over, just to hear his voice and to make sense of why, why............he was calling me 4 years later.

I felt that familiar feeling of anguish, and literally cried half the day, wondering why this was all happening.

The message was to call him back.

I will skip a lot of long detail, but finally I mustered up the courage to call him back. After all, what would I really want to say to him? I was so angry, so incredibly hurt, and yet, held a silent torch in my heart, for the one who I did love, and who shared some of the most amazing moments of my early life with.

What to say? How is your wife and baby?

Well, he said he tried to find me, and that he wanted to apologize, and to say that I was the one that he should have married, and that he thought about me for years, even though he was married, with not only one, but 5 children, and that his wife became a heroin addict, and uh.......well, he was leaving her and wanted to see if I would have dinner with him and reconnect.

MOUTH WIDE OPEN............. JAW.....NOW HURTS!

GO F..............YOURSELF!

That is some good therapy there!

I did get to tell him how he made me feel, how it affected several years of my life, and how it was a blessing in disguise that things didn't turn out the way I thought they should have. I was grateful for the relationship that I had found, how soothing, supportive and loving it was, and that there was no evidence of drama in it, like he had mentioned about his life, that he thought he so desperately wanted.

Even though there was a ton of pain, even after that, trying to understand the whys and how's of how life works, or how it presents itself sometimes, it showed me, in retrospect, that things really do work out for a reason, and most of the time we just can't see why, but surely enough, if they are not happening, there is a bigger picture happening, and probably, just probably, you might want to go along with what is being served to you, with a bit of trust that, you're gonna be better off, for one reason or another.

So, really, when you think you want things to go exactly as planned, be open to seeing that if it doesn't happen, it is for a specific reason, and you should probably just step outa the way, and let God do his thing.

Someone out there ain't no dummy!

Embrace WHAT IS~

It's happening for a reason!