IT'S ALMOST NOT RIGHT.............

.......to write right now.

My alone time, and what I choose to do with it has transformed me inside, outside, and in every way, shape and form.

Sometimes I feel as if I could just disappear in my experiences and never return.

I don't know how this "vehicle", called Gabriela, will use itself, in it's entirety, for the good of all, in this life, I really don't. There are so many things I want to do, things I want to help with, and to aid in making our world a more compassionate place, and a safe ground for all who have not felt safe, and to ............ah......well............ this list will go on forever......you know........my wishes and wants...........

In moments like this, or in my days spent alone, I wonder if there will ever be a way to truly articulate the enormity of what is inside, the things that I see, feel, hear and touch.

Does it, in fact, really matter, what is outside of my inner experience? Do I have to articulate it?

It is in me, so deeply, to express my feelings, no matter who or what. It is a must.

These experiences, accumulated, amount to a grandeur that, as of yet, cannot be articulated, at least in the way that measures up to what it is, or, was like, inside. It is always somewhat of a disappointment after I read what I have put down on paper, as opposed to what was REALLY happening on the inside, when pen went to paper.

I do try through poetry. That medium at least captures the mystery. Even if you don't get it, it's like any type of art........ you read, or look, but you cannot put any kind of stamp on what you think it is, because the only person who truly knows what went into that piece, is........the artist, but you are given the right..............yes, the right, to feel, to think and to surmise, just what YOU THINK that piece meant, or that poem......... there is a great freedom in art, and in expression!

Words aren't sufficient enough for me. They just don't touch what it all really is...... but.......in all of my efforts to sum up how great love can be............. ALONE.............. all alone............ without any sort of validation.......any "cherries" on top........... I have to say............ I am...........none other than........elated!

I cannot seem to get enough of being alone.

My life is so completely opposite of my job.

Yes , it is a great part of me......... I soooooooo love people!

Bringing people together, and too, watching how "it" all works- you know.......a bunch of space suits all in one big room- and so-that fascination could ignite many, many, more blogs to come!

I am out here on my deck. The lights are shining off of the water. The light house, ( my favorite sight in Austin), stares at me again, telling me so many stories.

The moon, not quite full, but blazzzzzzing, nonetheless.............

The stars..........man.......just so bright, and placed so damn perfectly it kills me!

They really do form pictures and put on shows up there........... I kid you not! Stay up one night and just sit and watch........... be patient enough to watch the phenomenon happen right before you.

It is sheer magic!

How is it..... that this simplicity can make you bare down and cry from a place that you cannot name?

People say, "Maybe you are just grateful".

No, it is beyond gratitude!!

I know, and truly feel, inside, that I am a part of it.

Again, words are really insufficient!

I cannot bypass this time to recognize the Truth in our existence.

It's pretty damn amazing and I almost cannot go back to everyday, regular, living.

Although I am immersed with people all day, or night, the rest of my life is purposefully sized down and compartmentalized to lift me up to a higher ground, a higher understanding of what this life is- and how to make the best of it, without compromising my beliefs and who I am as "Gabriela" as "Manager", as "sister", as "mother", as "friend" and as a deep, deep soul........... always, without a doubt, questioning her very own existence every day, every moment!

I'm watching, front row, my own movie.

I'm not so much attracted to the story line, but the objectivity, the symbolism, in what lies beneath it all.

It's never what it seems, really, it isn't!

There are a million stories before my eyes. Even if I could articulate it all.....

I'd need the days.............the nights........and the quietude ..........that so passionately beckon my soul..............

Now......

and.... for however long it takes............

I love you all!

Gabriela

~