Today is the 2 year date, that my Mom passed, and it would be almost weird, it I didn't write about just what is here, now, for me, and to let whatever out, that is is festered inside.
Today, I woke up, immediately remembering dreams I had last night about my mom. I went to bed last night thinking of her. I have an altar in my room, and of course, her pictures are there, and every night I light my candles, for different reasons, but, my altar is sacred, and what I do there every night, is my own devotion, and what is said, is my own devotion, respect, and love for all of things that remind me of purity, of gratefulness, and of perseverance, to remind me to forge forward, to be strong in my faith, my love, and my devotion for love, itself!
My mom was the epitome of the example to forge forward, to push beyond limits, to love beyond what circumstance presents.
She was solid! Solid faith! Solid love for God! She was LOVE PERSONIFIED!
In everything she did, whether it was cook amazing food for you, talk to you about your problems, share life with you, make you laugh, boy, could she make you laugh..........what a sense of humor!!
She was just cool! Every ones friend, god, just a heart of gold..........she would give you her last dime! She would give you anything she had, she wouldn't care if she did without........... she was so happy to give............ to see someone happy.......enjoying something she had, or made, or cooked.
I noticed myself try not to think of what today was, this morning, I guess because I didn't want to be sad, but I think without me really acknowledging it, my body took on a ton of stress, and I felt depleted, and sad, and just wanted something else to think about.
If I can just be really real........ and not want to apologize for my thoughts, I would have to say that it is really hard to not remember the moments that led up to her death. I won't go into great detail, but those images stick with you, for how long, I don't know........I just try to go with this whole process.
It is intriguing, in my objective moments. Death, in general is utterly intriguing to me, but this one, has got so many tentacles, so many emotions attached, and so much filtering, that the two years that have gone by, seem like minutes, even seconds, that I have tried to process the information, and still, really...........still........... it is so raw, so fresh, as if it all happened yesterday.
Maybe you will never understand until it happens to you.
I know I say that.
Friends would talk of their losses, how it made them feel, and you just kind of randomly say, "god, I'm so sorry", but now I realize, I don't know what I am saying when I say that? Before my mom died, I would say that, but now, Oh my god, several clients of mine that come into our restaurant, people who have been my close clients, talk of their mom dying, and it has brought us so close. I realize now, what it is like, to lose a parent. Not 'SOMEONE", but, your parent.
It is different, and nothing to share small talk about.
You actually LISTEN CLOSELY, and realize how robotic your answers are when someone relays that information...........my mom or dad died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F...........................! That is some potent stuff, and if you know the person in any kind of way, you start to dip into how that actually would be for that person. You start really seeing people, for their solid humanness, no matter what their "title" is, or their position is. They, too, are people, who have mothers and fathers, who were once a kid, who was very much attached to their parents, and have a past, and have tons of memories!
Shoot, Tonight, for some reason, I can't stop panning on my time with my mom, in the pool. She would hold me close, cuz I was so afraid of the water without her holding me. She would hold me close to her chest, and whisper in my ear, "It will be alright", and bob me up and down in the water to get me used to it, so I wouldn't be afraid of it. I felt so utterly safe, so secure, and loved!
A mother is and always will be a mother.
Like my mother told me a million, gazillion times. "I am your mother, and NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU".
It is true.
It just is true.
There is that deep, innate, primordial thing that happens, and you will understand it more, when you can be objective, and appreciative, hopefully, truly, hopefully, before it leaves you.
A mothers love is so grand, so beyond my imagination, as a daughter, but not so far from my scope that I cannot see it, feel it, and embrace just what that feeling would be, if I were there.
I miss my mother for so many reasons.
Hay, the little things like, calling on the phone and her telling you what she is making for dinner, and if that spice worked, or not, or, how she would kind of apologize for getting take out when we all know, damn well, she'd rather have the Broccoli Rabe with Rigatoni, or Eggplant Parmesan. Chinese would suffice, and actually, it kinda became a favorite for her. Only because she was too tired to make the "good" stuff, that she really wanted!
She'd probably call to tell me that it was so sad that Patrick Swayze died, what she thought of him, and depict all of his great qualities, and say a silent prayer for him...........so genuine, as if shes had him over for dinner several times.
She had her shows, every night, her routines.
It all sounds so "old", so routine, and when you are comfortable, and not thinking anything will happen, you sort of slough it off, as if it is just "Ma", but after it is gone, you realize, you want to hear about the "stupid" shows that she watched, the "insignificant" things that seemed so important to her.
Those are the things that you will see.
Grab a hold now guys.
It won't be there someday, and you will surely miss out on some grand stuff.
YOUR MOTHER IS YOUR MOTHER!!! CHERISH HER, LOVE HER, AND APPRECIATE ALL THAT SHE DID, ALL THAT SHE DOES, AND TRY.........PLEASE TRY, TO SEE THINGS FROM HER PERSPECTIVE, AS YOUR "SECURITY GUARD".
There are one million things I see now, that my mom did for me, and realized how she acted, and how it was for my safety................YOU WILL NEVER FIND THAT ANYWHERE............. EVERYONE ELSE WILL HAVE AN AGENDA!
Your momma won't.
She loves you because you are her BLOOD!
Her beloved.
Put the shoe on the other foot.
Just try.
You will see................
A mother is something that doesn't come around too often, if EVER.
Thank you to my MOM, for being ever so selfless, so amazing, so genuine, and so caring, for me,
a young soul in this world.
I am more appreciative now, more than ever in my life.
I bow to you, for your selfless ways, and for giving me LIFE!
All of my solid love, the most grand love that I could ever express, goes out to you, my sweet mother, for giving me life, the teachings of love, and what it is to GIVE BEYOND ONESELF.
You are my forever teacher.
Your,
Joan of Arc
Joni, Your Mom was everything you said and more! She was so happy when she had her 2nd little girl! I lost my Mom when I was 7; my Dad at 22. Remember the happy things; the sad memories will always be there, but they will fade! Your Mother was a happy woman who loved life; I know you are too! Love, Eddrie XX
ReplyDeleteJoni, Your Mom was everything you said and more! She was so happy to have another little girl when you were born! The sad memories will fade as the years go by & you will have all those happy ones to hold! I know you are as joyful as Ginny was! Love you, Eddrie XX
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