So many different things, so many subjects, sub titles, and antennae, that it can be severely overwhelming to look into the kaleidoscope of your life, in one nutshell, trying to zoom in on it all, to get to the core of it, understand it all, and try to actually do something about it.
Maybe they should have given us more hours in our days?! But then again, like with money, the more you make, the more you spend. As with time, the more you have, the more you fill it with crap, or just things to make you think you actually are getting MORE done, and so it goes...........
Yes.....the rat on the wheel............everyone knows how Gabriela hates, "The rat on the wheel" syndrome.
Go, go, go, do, do, do............. hurry, multi-task, be robotic, get take out, or don't even eat, cuz your so darn tired, crash, and do the same thing the next day, and wait, just wait to do every chore, every call, every bill, every everything on your simple day off that you are supposed to actually catch up with your tired, soul hungry self, to maybe check in with some composure, some actual down time, to even see how the hell your own self is............really is.
I read this quote the other day, and it just stopped me in my tracks and made me think. Intellectually and spiritually, I understood it, but on a real level, where I reside these days, I had to really think if that is how I like things to be, if that, in fact, is a good feeling, as opposed to a feeling that just doesn't feel so good anymore.
It was something like, "Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how, you begin to die a little".
They were actually talking about artists, and how, they never, really, entirely know. They say, we "guess", and we may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.
I do believe in that, but then, sometimes, when it is actually happening, full force ahead, I start second guessing the whole, unsure in every moment, what is going to happen in my next moment, and you live your life as if you are on a continuous roller coaster.
That feeling isn't so grand.
Years ago, I aced this kind of living.
Shoot, you could tell me to move to Alaska, and I'd be ready in a day, no matter the circumstance, so I don't know if it is age, preference, or getting lazy, that the unsure-ness of things seems to be a tad bit unsettling for me, I dunno.
Maybe it is good that I don't have time to think things out so much. Maybe I don't need to think so much, and just need to let life happen, and move, jump in the river, and let it take me to my next destination, without me having any say in it?!
Who knows?
All I know is that right now I AM ...........IN A STATE OF NOT KNOWING............tomorrow? Shoot...........I have a pseudo agenda, but........even that can be changed, and...........( I have to use my friends phrase, because it cracks me up).......I guaran......damn .....tee................ you)...........funny huh?
I guaran..damn.......tee you, that that will change too!
I am open to change, moment to moment, and checkin' out the gifts along the way, tryin' to gel with letting go, seeing beyond, and putting it all into some sort of perspective, for my little life that is so eclectic, questioning, and never, ever, really satisfied with the status quo.
Things are fast moving!
I think of my Mom and my sister. They would tell me over and over again, how time flies, especially at certain ages, and how to look out for this, and look out for that. It's true man........ stuff happens...........happens fast............ and before you know it............you are old........and grey........and what did you actually do with your life, and.........are you really, really proud of what your individual trek was? Do you feel good about what you have done, how you have acted, or responded?
Stuff to think about........or maybe just me............that is what I do in my spare time.
I don't want to look back on my life and say, "Wow, I was a good at delegating tasks". I can't......... there has got to be something secret, or grand behind that................not just............. a delegater............
It really is fast moving, and .......our lives are passing quickly.................what are we doing............are we happy with how it is all unfolding?
If not, tailor it to suit you.............. make it fit, and use every circumstance in your life as a teacher, and even if you can't see the gift, or the reason why, it is there, and if it hasn't revealed itself yet, it will, and you will understand. Just give it time. You don't have to wait till your 80 to look back and go..............WOW....... I REALLY DID LOVE THAT ITALIAN RESTAURANT, or I really did love that person, or place............ fill in the blanks........you get what I'm sayin', I know you do!
Move slowly, and accurately in the FAST MOVING!
Know what you are doing, and even if it is new, move confidently that you are learning, and all will be ok.
Give gentle caresses to your ever evolving soul.
We're all here to help each other........hopefully.
I am. You have my complete trust in that!
The holding hands thing works, if it doesn't seem too repetetive.......
Hay, when somethin' works, stick with it.................
I love you all so much,
Gnite
Gabriela
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