IF I ONLY HAD..............

........if I only could............if I only made............. if I just had.................. when I finally get to.............. when I get over this...............

WHEN........WHEN...........WHEN............ whenever we want anything else to happen, other than what is being presented in the present moment, THIS VERY PRECISE MOMENT, then, are we actually going to believe that we will truly be happier? REALLY, WILL IT MAKE YOU THAT MUCH HAPPIER?

Well, to be honest, I know from being on both sides of the spectrum that the present moment is unbelievably, pain staking, revealing, and too, miraculous in a myriad of ways, and then, too, I will have to say, that when I made lots of money, or had nice vehicles, or didn't have to worry about the things I worry about now, it DID make a difference, but that is one side of the coin. To me, to be able to live free of financial worry is a big deal, so yes, when I was comfortable and making a great living, doing anything I wanted, buying anything I wanted no matter the cost, going to exquisite dinners, shows, traveling............yes.......... I felt great, and it was incredible. Not to say, "Hay, I make this much," but to just be at ease without worrying how I will pay this or do this, or get here, or get there.

The other side is.........was I humble enough to actually enjoy what it was that I had? Did I make the efforts to be so simple as to NOT WANT ANYTHING OTHER, than what was in my life, no matter what it was, or was I trying to always buy this or buy that, have the next best thing, order up at the next best restaurant.......... all of those things are awesome, but man, I will have to say, that this time in my life, when things may seem NOT THE WAY I WANT THEM, I think I will look back, when things will eventually change, and say, "Man, how bout that time when I didn't have this, or didn't have that?" I actually had to ask people things, when, (if anyone knows me well, they know I hate to ask anyone anything), to actually do things for me. That is probably the toughest thing I'll ever have to do. Really! For me to ask you to take me somewhere, or just simple things that most people wouldn't balk over..........I'm a mess about. I am appreciating life at it's most simple level, and there are great Truths to this existence! Ones that I'm not sure I want to live without.

For some reason it is embarrassing, and what I have learned over the years, especially when I was layed up and couldn't get out of bed for several months, is that we want to control everything. God forbid if we are out of control in some way, at the mercy of others.

To me, it is death of sorts, and yet, when I was layed up, and people had to come over to cook for me, bathe me, dress me, do my laundry, clean my house, you name it...........it was the WORST TIME FOR ME, and yet, in retrospect, it was THE MOST AMAZING TIME OF MY LIFE.

I could write for hours on the whys and hows.............it truly transported me to another time and place, where simplicity and gratitude were in the forefront and conveniences, and desires took a backseat, for the first time in my life.

Do I actually want to be out of control and in that situation again? No! I have to say that I am glad that I have both spectrum's to look at side by side, to evaluate what it is that I see in myself, from both ends, and say............hhhmmm, what did I learn from being on this end, and then, on that end.

I want to be able to gain a gift, from both ends and then somewhere along the line, embrace the two, and then maybe there will be some communion with those aspects so I won't forget to be grateful when I'm buying that BMW that I want........or the cool boots that are beckoning me from the window.

That key word.........BALANCE! It's showing up now and again..........and that's just on paper, on this blog. Then if you crawl in my head all day, you'll hear it saying.................. balaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnccceee yourself...................... balanceeeeeeee yourself........

Hay, if you can't learn from the past, where you have been and what is in front of you now, than why even think............. just move about like a digital robot and forge forward in life, with no direction................

I know for myself, I'm done with being programmed.

I signed up for the UN PROGRAMMED class. It wasn't very full, but that's because it is a new class, not that many people know about it.

It'll catch on, hopefully!

I want to live my life free of worry, and that means, in the midst of ANYTHING.

If I am at my worst of worst, I want to wake up free of worry, and smiling, seeing that the day is actually a beautiful one............ where the clouds are staring me in the face......... the sunrise is impeccable..........the sunset that I love, is even more amazing than yesterdays...........the little flowers along my walks............the animals, the trees............... there will never be a dollar sign next to those things..............

REJOICE!

I'm not saying we won't get stressed along the way, but at least we have a guide post.......at least this is MY guidepost.............you can share mine if you want.............. there is room...........

I don't WANT to WANT.............. without getting the point of where I am NOW!

It's OK if that doesn't make sense to you.

I want to take every moment.....relish in it, whether it is simple, or complex........and use it to my advantage...............then if I am granted a wish or two, I'll know how to truly appreciate it, from a very real place.

What's that word again?

Oh, yea.......BALANCE!

Sounds good to me...........

Lemme know what ya think...........

Tons of love,
as always,
Gabriela