Sometimes it's hard to know if there truly is a safe corner to go to when things are up heaved, or turned around, or just different from your normal way of having things.
The people that you think will "get it", don't necessarily "get it", and then, secretly, you wind up having expectations of someone or something, that really, has no business being there.
No one owes you anything! And it is your responsibility to find a safe corner, and hopefully, it will feel secure enough for you to cuddle up in, to feel the safe and warmth that we need when times are tough.
Sometimes people have partners right there next to them, in the toughest of times, and they still don't feel secure, or loved, or nurtured. So, it isn't like this easy equation....... partner at home, will find love.........no........not always the case.
Sometimes, it is in the most obscure places that we feel the most comfort, the most loved, and taken care of. The not so obvious places that take you by surprise, that you find to be the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack Box.
It is OK to allow those "strange happenings" to become part of your experience, and to grow in , and open up to in the most vulnerable way. It can be scary for sure.
Who wants to get attached to something that is not really attached to you?
It seems as if those things are more scary than jumping off of a plane.
We are all different. Every one processes their feelings and emotions differently.
I do know one thing though. No matter who, or where, or what the circumstance are, there is always going to be an expansion of your heart, and if that is the case, how could anything go awry.
Life is funny. We didn't get a formula, or some rule book, saying "This is how your life is going to go", and adhere to this.............and all will be good, and you will ace the test.
On the contrary, I think God threw us in with the sharks.
How could there ever be a rule book to a life that is so filled with more emotion, circumstance, and events that could cover a million people, and then some?
In a way, I adore that! Swim with the sharks, and learn how the sharks exist, and then put it under your belt as, "I swam with the sharks", or........ I loved this much, and this is what happened.
Maybe life is one big fat journal!
We write as we go, tell about our tales, our mysteries, our loves, and adventures, and then, call it a Life. But, we DO get to sketch out what that entails. We do, ya know, we really do!
Sometimes not, but nonetheless, it still goes in our journal, and if you conclude that life is a bundle of experiences, not just the roses, the perfume and the chocolates, then you will include the not so great things that have happened, and make a story of love, and endurance, and strength. Throw some courage in there, along with some faith and a hope to see the beauty in all of it, and you will have a stealthy journal worth reading.
I cannot bring myself to believe that in one encapsulated time frame, that whatever percentage of time was experienced in doubt or fear sadness or loss, agony, pain and suffering, that THAT could not be included in the most amazing story or tale of some great Truth, to be bestowed upon some child that is looking for a ray of inspiration, or some literary agent that is looking for a REAL story, instead of some sappy love story that has the Big "O" on every other page, to be the "climax" of a dead end road.
Maybe I'm going off on a tangent, but this vein runs so deep, and truly, I could write till my heart changed color.
All I know is that I don't want to have any idea of where I think my comfort is going to come from. Life is filled with people, eclectic experiences, and of course, in my world, it has to be colored with crayons that came from some odd corner of the world, in order for it to be "Gabriela's Life". My life is nothing short of eclectic experiences, and I am embracing the good, the bad and the ugly, and sorting it all out to see what the heck I'm going to journal about, to make sense of it, to be able to tell some kid, what great Truths came out of it.
I want them to know that in all the myriad of events that I DID find some safe corner, somewhere that made me feel special, cared for, loved, and appreciated, as a human being.
If that could be written in one paragraph, on one page, in the story of my life, I will have rested well, and smiled, that my life gave me that.........if nothing else!
The obsessive eye searches for a phrase to rotate around and lashes on (haha) to the expression "the heart has to expand"....what if instead of expanding it just curls itself into a tight little hard wad and engorges with stagnation?
ReplyDeletesometimes I think when "the world has been too much"...or I'm not ready "for this"...that's what happens~ hopefully only temporarily.
the safety is within us..always...but what if..for whatever reason, we become disconnected from our selves, from our heart, from our own knowingness
then everything is thrown into vortex, into unsafety
perhaps this is where the "real learning lies", in these moments of "temporary insanity". Life as a partially baked fruitcake
Amy
Hay you partially baked fruit cake. Maybe we should open a bakery.
ReplyDeleteI think all of us experience these exact feelings, and I will stand up and raise my hand as one!
If I were to articulate the details, maybe you wouldn't feel so bad, or at least have someone to raise a glass of wine to, to relate to, and to embrace, to say, hay, we are still here, going on, loving, and making our way, in a more than complex world. Ya know, all of our scenarios are different, and no one situation needs more comfort, or more accolades, they are just situations that need specific love, adn don't need to know the details. The end result of what you are feeling is what is important, and to compare that to someone elses situation, only makes us want to be validated even more.
you are absolutely right. Crawl in a hole, smother yourself in a comfort that makes you feel safe and loved. I would ask for the same, and I do. You, out of all people are entitled to feel all of those things, so go ahead, and then catch up with yourself with the goodies that you and I know are real, like meditation, like quiet time with the dogs, taking an inner break, and coming back to ourselves in our own way, wether it is gardening, being quiet, or just "being", and that is it.
You are so lovely, my friend, and I always think of you and what you endure, on a daily basis, and it humbles me, in my life, and makes me feel extremely grateful for all of what is on my plate.
Go crawl in a damn hole, feel it, taste it, and save one tiny crumb of awareness, if that is all you have, to be objective, and realize that all of this is a tiny incident in your blog of life. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE. You are an amazining woman that has so much love to give, and DOES GIVE, and that is all you need to acknowledge.
You are allowed to crawl in a hole, but i bet you, ten to nothing, that if you allow yourself that crawling, you will lay there, under the covers, and say to yourself,"Ok, this was good, but I am ready to wake up now". I know you sweet woman. Your heart is made of such gem stones, that need to be recognized by one incredible person, and that is not me, sorry to say. IT IS YOU!
Give yourself the love and pats on the back that you so deserve. Come hold my hand, come give me a hug, and just sport your amazing smile, and it will carry you miles,, until you feel the need to get under the covers again. That is it, so what? So, we need a Linus blanket every now and again. I have my own blanket that comforts me, trust me.
Come in. Share your smile, and know that we are on the same journey.
I love you,
Gabriela
And if you want to do a cheers for "temporary insantiy", I will take Pinot Noir please! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm still here smiling, without it though.
Take your dogs for walks under the moonlight. It changes your soul and elevates you in a way that is unexplaineable.
xoxo
great gift Gabriella...love it..
ReplyDeleteyes just "enjoying" the hole :D
but for tonight I am putting off that walk. Just walking part way around the block almost gave our little dog a heart attack the heat was so oppressive. slurping on lime water for tonight. the baccanal will have to wait..but not for long. Love
Amy
YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO FEEL COMY AND COZY. I'M DOING THE SAME.
ReplyDeleteCLOSE YOUR EYES TONIGHT AND SEE WHAT YOUR EYES DON'T NORMALLY SEE. REVEL IN THAT, AND LET ME KNOW. GIVE YOURSELF THE TIME TO CHECK OUT WHAT IS NOT THE NORM, AND SWIM IN THAT FOR A CHANGE. AGAIN, THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING AND IT IS BEYOND A DOUBT, EXQUISITE!
I AM IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN, WITH......... LOVE.
I have spirits aplenty around me. My need for the "real" is intense. I revel in "reality" whether it be darkness or light. I "Must" experience it all. that is my goal. Most don't understand my choice...just as understanding is usually limited by the sights we set ourselves. I do not lack for spiritual "advisers" on another plane...sometimes, on this plane, I just tucker myself out with my own "program"...I am bathed in love...everynight, my spiritual advisers "help" me..it's just what they do. when I've waded too deep in the water, they remind me I need to do something else. Being here, is something "they" want from me. I'm continually getting that message. Amy
ReplyDelete